We Will Always Love You, Bison

 

Bison 2 Leeds Knights 4

9/4/23

 

They rolled away the stone covering the tomb of Lazarus and Jesus said “Lazarus, come forth!” The “dead” man emerged. He was alive. It was a miracle. On Sunday night Bison needed a miracle of similar proportions to come back from a first leg 9 goal deficit and go through to the Coventry play off finals. All they needed was 7 or 8 quick goals in the first and they would be right back in it. Did they manage it? Well sadly no, but those present on a highly emotional night witnessed a contest fitting of what may prove Bison’s last ever game, but alas nearly spoiled by officiating of the worst possible kind. We were left wondering whether Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Louis Braille and Blind Boy Fuller (see below) would have seen more than our beloved stripeys did. But fie and pish let me not dwell on the negative. And don’t rush off to make a cup of tea, dear reader. The events of the night are all laid before you. Read on.

P1 opened and it wasn’t long before Tom Banner fell foul of the law. Sheriff Belfitt said “I am the man with the tin star and you will go to the town jail for 2 + 2 minutes for high sticks”. Off went Tom to do his stretch of solitary without even bread and water (actually there may have been some water available). Bison had a 4 minute power play to defend.

 

Things didn’t go as expected for the visitors. On 5:17 the Knights’ D were caught with their trousers down, thankfully only metaphorically. Gordon “George” Norcliffe took advantage of some dilly-dally dawdling in mid ice. He ruthlessly pounced on the puck with the determination of a rodent control operative chasing a rabid stoat to deliver a fatal blow. The D-man was dispossessed. Who was he? Well I would like to say I will decline to name him to spare his blushes, but the truth is I have no idea who he was. Never mind. Gordon powered forward towards the Knight’s net like a bat out of hell. Elegance, refinement and beauty are not words that could be used to describe the movement of the Knights’ D as they tried desperately to catch the Bison captain. Indeed out of the window went poise, grace and finesse as they hammered back like billy-o. As for the Knights’ goaltender, Sam Gospel, he must have been seized with paroxysms of anxiety, his mind awash with unuttered rhetorical questions concerning the outcome of the one on one, the most important of which must have been "can I keep the puck out?" Alas for him the answer was “No”. Gordon drove the puck straight through the Gospel 5-hole to score his shortie. It was a disaster for the Knights on a par with the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 as their aggregate lead was now cut to a mere 8 goals. An “Ooo Matron” moment for Bison

and an “Ooo Betty” one for the Knights.

Mr Belfitt needed to signal a goal. Being right handed, he transferred his white stick to his left hand and extended his right towards the net. A monumental expression of approbation exploded from the Bison blocks. Hats and babies were thrown into the air. The cheers were of such decibelular volume that the noise would have drowned out the eruption of Krakatoa (1881). 1-0 Bison.

 

Alas the Bison lead did not last long. 22 seconds to be precise. Still on the power play the Knights scored with a nice passage of play. The execution of the move would have impressed even Madame Guillotine. In front of the net was Matt Haywood, who tipped in. His assistants were declared as Jake Witkowski and  Cole Shudra. 1-1. The Leeds faithful breathed a sigh of relief. They had restored their 9 goals aggregate lead. At a mere 8 goals in the Knights’ favour it had looked like anyone’s game.

 

The Knights scored again before the end of P1. Matt Haywood got his twig to an incoming shot and redirected it right in front of Bison goaltender, Jordan Lawday. The hapless goaltender could only get a piece of it and must have experienced feelings of unadulterated anguish, balloon bursting despondency and Prozac popping melancholy as the puck bounced off him and across the goal line. A red light was put on behind the goal either by the goal judge or by a lady of ill repute looking for business. The referee must have realised it was the former as he didn’t ask “how much?” Had his guide dog been on the ice he would have extended his right paw towards the net to signal a goal. But he wasn’t so it was left to Mr. Belfitt to extend his flat hand in a pointy fashion and in a netwards direction. The goal was greeted by a sudden outburst of noise emanating from the visiting fans’ block, which was decibelularly (OK I made that word up) equivalent to a herd of elephants stampeding through the Serengeti as their team built up a mildly comfortable aggregate lead of 13-3. 1-2 Knights. Witkowski and Mac Howlett were declared assistants for the goal.

 

On 17:35 a bizarre incident took place. After some action at the Bison end Kieran Brown and Marcus Mitchell delivered their considered opinions to each other about the passage of play just completed in a robust and forthright manner, not quite as shown below as no physical contact was made, but with a similar quantity of annoyance with each other.

I couldn’t hear their words from Block C, but it would not have surprised me if it incorporated expletives which would have shocked both a sewer worker from the Gorbals and a fishwife from Billingsgate. It was all too much for Zack Brooks, who steamed in to take the Bison D-man to task. He and Mitchell came together in a mildly physical confrontation. Alas they failed to find agreement, just as surely as Karl Marx and Mussolini would have struggled to reach a consensus. Meanwhile, without a referee’s whistle to halt the game, Gael “Force” Lubwele was up the other end scoring a goal. But this was chalked off, marked off, struck off, washed off, scrubbed off, rubbed out, wiped out, weeded out, crossed out, abolished, annulled, deleted, erased, cancelled, voided, eliminated and called “no”, not to mention purged, obliterated and expunged from the records or at least it would have been had it been recorded at all. If you need any further clarification ……….. it didn’t count. Why not? Because the officials, without formally stopping the game, were dealing with the Brooks/Mitchell incident. They condemned the two miscreants to go down the steps for the infringement “delay of game”. This was bizarre in the extreme as, as hitherto mentioned, the game had not been stopped so how could a game which was continuing be “delayed”? And if the game was continuing why was the Lubwele “goal” washed off? It made as much sense to me as …… something nonsensical.

Is this how you wash off a goal?

There were no further goals or incidents of note in the period and on 20:00 P1 ended.

 

P2 opened and on 22:41 Hallam Wilson was called for slashing. The dictionary defines “slashing” as “to cut with a violent sweeping stroke or by striking violently and at random, as with a knife or sword”. There was nothing random about the slash perpetrated by Hallam and thankfully no knife or sword was involved, but it certainly was a sweeping stroke struck violently. Hallam was thrown in the can, sent to the slammer and clapped in irons all at once.

 

The resultant power play bore fruit for the Knights. A neat move between Brown from Witkowski ended with Mac Howlett clapping the puck into the top corner of the net. Had the net possessed as little stopping power as Ena Sharples’s hair net (that’s the beautiful Ena below), the puck would have passed straight through and been on its way to Leeds. But the Planet Ice nets are made of sterner stuff. 1-3 Knights.

 

On 32:50 Alex “Mittens” Mettam, playing his last game, took to the ice to replace Lawday. The explosion of noise which greeted Jasprit Banerjee when he threw a keema nan for a world record 37.5 meters at the Chittergong Chapati Chucking Championships in 2019 was nothing compared to the noise which burst forth from the Bison blocks to greet Metts. It would have been heard by a deaf man.

 

With the period winding down Bison put themselves right back in contention in the tie with a second goal to reduce the aggregate deficit to only 10 goals. It was a power play goal with 3 men in the box – Zack Brooks, Paul Petts and Jordan Griffin. Set up by Zack Milton, Lubwele brought his twig down and fired the biscuit goalwards. We heard a clunk as rubber hit metal and the puck deflected down off the bar conveniently to the Edgars Landsbergs quadruplets. One of them fired in. 2-3 Bison. The reduction of the Knights’ aggregate lead to only 10 goals may have seemed like a disaster of equal proportions to the Great Fire of London (1666) to some glass half empty Knights’ fans, but the glass half full fans were not worried. Nevertheless it was 2-3 Knights and Bison were back in the game if not the tie.

 

P2 ended and P3 opened. There was a solitary score in the period. This occurred on 43:49 and it was a peach of a shot. Witkowski from behind the goal line worked his way out front and flicked a backhander past Metts. Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick. 2-4 Leeds and, one has to concede, it was over as a contest.

 

The final buzzer sounded. The game and tie had been won by the Knights but the night belonged to Bison. The scenes at the end of the match are almost indescribable. The outpouring of support and love for the Bison was overwhelming. Even the Knights’ fans, who had joined in “The Great Escape” as the game wound down, were now singing “We love you Bison, we do”. What a bunch of truly sporting fans. The football type fans who have invaded our lovely game of hockey at certain rinks and on social media take note. This is how to behave. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs Shirt turned to the Che Guevara impersonator and said he had never seen scenes like this. Che agreed. To a man (and woman) they poured out their support for the mighty Bison - the Man with 3 Ear rings, Honest Pete, the Bespectacled Youth, Duracell Man, Cake Lady, Mystic Jo, Teaboy, the Desperate Dan lookalike, Red Leader, Mrs Red Leader and many more. Although not there in body, I am sure the Howling Man and the Man from MI5 there in spirit. Those who had followed Bison well perhaps not to the end of the Earth, but certainly to the frozen wastes of the North and indeed some to Scotland (eh Red Leader?) and every Monday cleared the Basingstoke chemists of throat gargle to soothe their red raw larynx after a weekend of raucously urging the team forward with imaginatively lyricised chants of “BISON! Clap clap clap. BISON!”, “Let me hear you say Bison. BISON,” and “LET’S GO BISON LET’S GO! Clap clap”, not to mention giving vent to their opinions on matters refereeing in a somewhat vociferous fashion (how we miss the Howling Man) gave it their all. We  remembered those great moments in recent Bison history. The 8-1 victory over the Cardiff Fire to clinch the league title in 2018 when we outnumbered the home fans by 5 to 1 and the Cardiff ice was awash with Champagne at the end. That Aaron “Billy” Connolly empty netter to clinch a 5-3 win over the Manchester Phoenix in the playoff final in Coventry in 2014. That redirect goal from Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino to clinch the EFL Cup against MKL in 2014. And we remembered the great players of the recent past who graced the ice in Bison colours - Tony “Tosh” Redmond, Cuddly Joe Greener, Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, Lauko and Kubenko, the Slovak snipers, Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, Grandmaster Tomas Karpov, Lumberjack Joe Rand, Stonewall Stevie Lyle, Long Ciaron Long to name but a few. Add to that list the name of Alex “Mittens” Mettam, who Bavy announced would have a banner on the wall when (or is it if?) the rink reopens.

 

Back in 1992 Whitney Houston sang “and I eeee I will always love you ooo I” Hey guess what? Bison we will always love you.

 

Goal/Fight Fest Comes to Town

Bison 7 Bees 6

6/11/21

Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick! What a night! Those lucky enough to be at Planet Ice last night were treated to a game of purple pulsating spectacularity. Yes indeed. It was a match full of Ay Caramba! thrills, spills, goals and, to satisfy the blood lust of certain sections of the crowd (OK all of us really), scenes of the most appalling violence close to the end of the match when tempers flared more voluminously than the bell bottoms of a Bay City Roller and bubbled over like a saucepan of milk left on the stove. The end result was a scene of the most murderous brutality more akin to a WW1 battlefield than a hockey rink. But more about that later – there was actually a hockey match played.

The Bees took the lead close to the end of P1. On 16:45 enter James Galazzi, a hockey villain of the most abhorrent kind. Who remembers him spearing Ollie Stone in the face for no reason in the dying seconds of a game at the Hive a couple of years ago and leaving him lying in a pool of blood at the top of the crease? No we haven’t forgotten that. And that is just one of a litany of villainous acts over the years. He has made himself as popular with opposing fans as a medium rare fillet steak at a convention of vegans. And indeed it was he who was the catalyst for the opprobrious scenes at the end of the match. But more about that later – you will have to wait. On this occasion he knocked over Alex “Mittens” Mettam and was sent to the box for goalie interference. In the resulting power play it was the Bees who scored. Bursting forward in a 3 on 1 (how can that happen in a power play?), Michael Power squeezed the puck in off Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones’s skate. Josh Kelly and Dominik Gabaj were the assistants. 1-0 Bees.

The Bees lead was short lived. On 19:21 Dancing Jay King, set up by Ryan Sutton, fired a shot goalwards. Adam Goss in the Bees’ net must have been confident of keeping the shot out, but his confidence was very soon to be replaced by vexation as Alex Roberts thrust his twig in the way and the redirected puck flew past the anguished netman. 1-1.

 P1 ended and P2 opened and, no sooner than it had, Bison snatched the lead for the first time. Brendan Baird set up Jones for a shot. Goss saved the effort, but much to his very grave chagrin, the puck deflected to his right with him still on the left, giving Adam Harding a vast expanse of net to shoot into. This he did and it was a Cymru am byth moment for the Welshman. 2-1 Bison, but not for long as on 21:59 Ryan Webb deflected in a Josh Smith shot on goal. A man who looked suspiciously like Brendan Baird, but who wasn’t, was awarded the second assist. 2-2.

The period ground on with chances on both sides. Then on 31:59 the man who looked suspiciously like Brendan Baird, but who wasn’t, scored with a deflected shot. Who was he? Joe Baird, Brendan’s elder brother, of course. Webb with the assist.

This was bad news for Bison. 2-1 up to 2-3 down. Could they pull things round by the end of P2? The answer is yes they could and did. The villainous Galazzi had been sent to the house of correction for a slash on 36:52. On 37:34 a shot from a man wo looks suspiciously like Brendan Baird, which isn’t surprising as he actually was Brendan Baird, fired in a shot. Gordon “George” Norcliffe thrust his lumber into the line of the shot and the biscuit changed direction and flew past the melancholy custodian. It was not proving Goss’s night for stopping redirects. Harding with the second assist. 3-3.

Bison’s revival continued. On 38:26 they resnatched (is that a real word? Spellcheck doesn’t seem to think so) the lead on 38:25. “Break, break, shake away, break break away, now I’m free to do what I wanna do.” So sang the Beach Boys in 1969. Well what we saw was a break away, not by men in striped shirts (see below – blimey wasn’t their bass player tall (or was he standing on Marcelo Bielsa's bucket - see above) and note also he had his own microphone while the other 3 had to share – that’s not fair), but by Filip Martinec, sporting a moustache akin to a caterpillar (perhaps it was one blu-tacked to his upper lip) and Jones, who accepted the pass from Big Phil and clappered one past a hideously exposed Goss. More anguish for the beleaguered custodian. Second assist to Zac Milton. 4-3 Bison.

End of P2 and start of P3. It wasn’t 4-3 for long, as the Bees came back on 41:22 Josh Smith whipped in assisted by Gabaj.

It must have vexed Bison to let the Bees back into the game and imbued a fiery determination to restore (indeed resnatch) their advantage. Starting on 44:31 the Bees did what Bonnie Tyler (that's her below) did in “Total eclipse of the heart” – they fell apart. In 15 seconds their position of parity was thrown out of the window, given the old heave-ho, the elbow and the shove, not to mention unceremoniously thrown out of the room by the seat of its pants with 2 lightning strikes by the homesters. First Elliott Dewey set Liam “Square Sausage” Morris away on the left. He, the latter named, struggled out of a Titanic encounter with a Bees’ D-man on the boards, skated towards goal and unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past the downheated Goss, sending him deeper into his cesspool of dejected defeatism. 5-4 Bison.

But Goss’s bad evening was to get worse only 15 seconds later when Morris set up Aidan Doughty for a shot. Such shot was saved by Goss, but the puck bounced off him and bobbled around in the blue paint. It was a chunderous situation for beleaguered custodian and desperate measures were required. Could be poke check the puck away, cover it with his catcher or even fall or sit on it? Alas he couldn’t do any of those things and what happened next must have sent him spiralling even further downwards into his advanced state of Prozac popping lugubriosity as Norcliffe stabbed the puck over the line. 6-4 Bison. Second assist to Morris.

Bison were rampant and further punishment was to be doled out. On 51:07 Doughty and Norcliffe combined to set up Harding at the top of the crease. He, the latter named, smacked the puck home for 7-4 Bison.

Goss’s confidence must have been collapsing like a tower of Jenga blocks when you pull out the bottom four blocks suddenly. Coach Sheppard has seen enough and, had he been Popeye, he would have said, “That's all I can stands, I can stands no more”. The by now inconsolable netman was pulled from the net (not literally I must say – now that would have been a sight worth seeing) and replaced by the back up Curtis Warburton.

The opprobrious violence mentioned at the beginning of this report kicked off on 52:31. Galazzi, the aforementioned nefarious and indeed iniquitous assassin, smashed Dancing Jay King into the boards behind the goal and left him in a heap on the ice. Morris didn’t have time to say “I say, old chap, I’m going to knock your bally block off for that”. He steamed in and engaged the errant Bee in a gladiatorial contest of the most virulent violence to exact retribution on behalf of his fallen Caledonian comrade. This was in stark contrast to the “fight” between Bayley Harewood and Baird moments earlier. This was a cuddle fest with the two would be pugilists eventually falling over without a blow exchanged. Things then kicked off with other players becoming involved, the highlight of which was the demolition of a lidless Josh Martin by Zac Milton. Eventually it all simmered down and penalties were doled out. Needless to saying there were several chucking out of game penalties, least of all to Galazzi who skated from the box to the locker room with gestures to the crowd indicating that he was very proud of his conduct. It’s a pity that the officials were powerless to impose the death penalty on him as a 5 + game and nothing for the initial boarding offence didn’t seem remotely enough. Perhaps Hanging Judge Jeffries should be brought out of retirement to officiate at hockey matches in which Galazzi is playing.

Play restarted and the Bees grabbed a couple of late goals to make the scoreline look respectable. Gabaj assisted by Bradley and Webb for 7-5 and Stead assisted by Örnmarker for 7-6. But it was all to late. The final buzzer sounded and it was a Bison win.

Top Bananas were elected. The Bees man was not the opprobrious Galazzi, but instead Ryan Webb. Bison’s was two goal man Adam Harding. Cymru am byth.

 Bison Win Shoots Them to Top Spot (OK only 1 game played)

Bison 7 Peterborough Phantoms 4

16/10/21

It has to be said. The Peterborough Phantoms are chunderous. A 6-0 trousers down spanking at Planet Ice last time and now a 7-4 embarrassment. A veritable cornucopia of inadequacies plagued them throughout the two games and, even with the assistance of the officials, who seemed to turn into Ray Charles (that's him below), Stevie Wonder, Blind Boy Fuller and Louis Braille each time one of their players perpetrated an atrocity on an opponent, resulting in not a single Bison power play, the ghostly visitors fumbled, floundered and faltered to final failure. But enough cutting criticism. On to the game.

P1 saw a solitary goal. This was scored on 8:09 by Adam Harding. The puck became entangled between Alex Roberts and Thomas Barry. Much to the D-man’s chagrin, it squirted free towards the Phantoms goal and Harding was onto it like a terrier pouncing on a rat. The fellow skated forward and fired an unstoppable wrist shot into the net. It was a Cymru am Byth moment for the Welshman. Had there been a Welsh contingent amongst the Bison crowd, they may have burst into a rendition of “Sosban fach”, but, even if there was, they didn’t. 1-0 Bison.

P2 opened and by the 28^th minute all was looking rosy in the Bison garden. Their lead advanced to 3-0. On 22:52 Gordon “George” Norcliffe burst forward, but was forced behind the goal line. Suddenly from nowhere (well actually it was from somewhere – behind the goal line as I said), Gordon whipped a pass to the top of the crease where Alex Sampford lurked like a shady black marketeer from wartime London. But he wasn’t selling watches or nylons. No indeed – no time for that. He hammered the puck past a despairing Jordan Marr and it was 2-0 Bison. By then Marr had faced only 8 shots (if the SoG stats can be relied on) and had conceded 2. It did not seem to augur well for the rest of the match and indeed things got worse for him and the Phantoms on 27:43. If you want to learn how, I would urge you to read the next paragraph, dear reader.

On 26:36 Brendan Baird hunted down and hooked Jarvis Hunt as he charged towards goal. Ref Belfitt said, “Oi, matey! You’re going down the steps, up the river and behind bars for that.” And indeed that’s what happened. Could the Phantoms snatch a power play goal to reduce the arrears to a solitary goal? No they couldn’t and worse still they conceded a shortie to go 3 goals to the bad. How? Well Coach Ashley Tait battled hard for the puck on the boards to the left of the Phantoms goal. He showed steely determination, fortitude, tenacity, guile and doggedness all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking) as he retained possession of the puck and slipped it inside to Filip “Big Phil” Martinec. He, the latter, looked up and saw a glorious sight. Someone or something was steaming forward. What was it? It was Bison skipper Eliot Dewey moving with all the speed of the Tokyo bullet train. OK that’s an exaggeration – the bullet train can travel at a speed 275 mph, which Eliot would be hard pushed to match. But let’s not split hairs. We saw a snipe. Not a long billed bird with white, black and brown plumage, which inhabits marshy areas in Eurasia and North America, as shown below. No it was a hockey snipe. The puck left the Dewey stick and flew faster than a feathered snipe could fly into the top corner of the net. 3-0 Bison.

Bison were cruising. What could possibly go wrong? Well actually lots. And it did. In the space of 5 minutes the Phantoms bagged 3 and it was level pegging from nowhere. It would cause me grave mental anguish to relive these 5 minutes, but, suffice it to say that there was a big slice of fortune to 2 of the 3 goals. One went in off a Bison skate and another bounced in off Alex “Mittens” Mettam after an offside call wasn’t made. The scorers were Glen Billing (2) and Jarvis Hunt with assists to Duncan Speirs (2), Luc Johnson (2), Callum Buglass and Ales Padelek. Enough said.

We moved into P3 with the scoreboard showing 3-3. Could the Phantoms carrying on from where they left off and go on to win the game? Well actually no they couldn’t and didn’t. It all turned around faster than a pirouetting ballerina with Bison bagging another 3 goals. The first of these came on 42:59. Enter Captain Dewey once again. He charged forward up the right wing and centred for Harding to snap the puck past Marr. It was another Cymru am Byth moment for Harding and it was just a shame that the Bison food bar wasn’t serving laverbread (what? See below and also footnote). 4-3 Bison.

Bison were now back on track after the traumas of P2. It didn’t take them long to plunge Marr into a place of deeper gloom, despondency and melancholy. On 44:41 Coach Tait shot one forward for Paul Petts to chase. He, the latter, seized control of the puck and, from behind the goal line, he made the setup. Did you know that, according to the dictionary, a “setup” can be everything required for an alcoholic drink except the liquor i.e. a glass, ice, soda water or other mixer, cherry, cocktail umbrella etc.? Apparently the patrons provide their own liquor. I didn’t know that, but I do now. Well that wasn’t the sort of setup Petts had in mind, which was just as well as he didn’t seem to have any cocktail umbrellas on his person. It was a hockey setup. He slewed the puck from behind the goal line to an advancing Hallum Wilson. Marr was too slow across the crease and Wilson fired into the gaping gap that was between Marr and the post. 5-3 Bison.

Marr’s night of misery, anguish and torment was not over. On 51:11 he was plunged into a deeper pit of wretchedness, disconsolation and worriment (that is actually a real word) with no hope of assuagement, solace or condolement or even condolence. Set up (again no cocktail umbrellas involved) by Wilson, Captain Dewey threw a speculative shot in a goalwards direction. “No need to worry about that one, it’s going wide,” thought the Caledonian custodian. Indeed it may have been, but, much to the hapless netman’s very grave chagrin, “Big Phil” Martinec dangled his twig and the puck flew off it and past the shellshocked net fellow, causing the net to bulge and the goal light to illuminate (to split hairs it was the goal judge who caused the goal light to illuminate, not the puck, but let’s not be pedantic). Oh dear Marr. 6-3 Bison.

But our evening’s entertainment was far from over. We were to experience some late drama. With 2 minutes remaining Marr was pulled from the net. Thankfully this was not a literal pulling from the net i.e. no-one came on and dragged the netman kicking and screaming to the bench. No indeed. I am sure Marr was quite happy to make his way off as he was by then “boasting” (unlikely that he actually did any boasting about it) a chunderous save percentage of 70% - OUCH! Counselling required. 3 Phantom goals in 2 minutes? It was never going to happen. But they did grab one in the 6 on 5 – scored by Will Weldon with Billing and Norton assisting. Back came Marr for the face off only to disappear again very rapidly and, I am sure, very voluntarily. The Phantoms were in the last chance saloon, but couldn’t keep hold of the puck, which some would regard as preferable if you have an empty net. 3 empty net attempts from Bison went a begging (not always that easy so the words barn door and banjo will not be mentioned here). The third attempt was a pea roller which could have changed direction at any time. The Phantoms bench watched on aghast, but the pea roller failed to veer to the left and in and it was relief all round on the ghostly bench. However, their aghast demeanour was revived when, with just a few seconds left on the clock, Canadian Alex Roberts seized the puck and drove it netwards. So tight was the time that it was impossible to look at the clock and puck at the same time to see if the puck crossed the line in time. No problem. The puck slid over the line with a solitary second left on the clock and it was 7-4 Bison. Never mind the laverbread, break out the poutine (see footnote 2 and below).

It was all over and Bison had, after an uncomfortable wobble, put away a very poor opponent. Top Bananas were elected. Billing was best Phantom and Dewey top Bison.

Footnote 1 : Laverbread is a traditional Welsh delicacy, which is made from edible seaweed.

Footnote 2 : Poutine is a Canadian speciality food. It comprises chips and cheese curds topped with gravy. Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick. Do they really eat that? Yes they do.

 

Fumbling Phantoms Falter and Fail

Bison 6 Peterborough Phantoms 0

18/9/21 

On June 25^th, 1876 a dreadful massacre occurred on the banks of the Little Bighorn. A combined force of  Lakota, Northern Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors under the command of Crazy Horse surrounded and annihilated to a man a force of US 7th Cavalry troopers under the command of George Armstrong Custer (that’s him below). It was, of course, what became to be known as (as well as being grossly inaccurately portrayed) Custer’s last stand. What we saw at Planet Ice last night was a massacre of similar one sided proportions, although thankfully no-one was killed.  What on earth has happened to the Phantoms? The team we saw last night looked a shadow of the strong competitive team that nearly won the league in 2016 (pipped by Bison) and 2018 (pipped by Bison). Bison cruised to a shutout victory with the greatest of ease, as I shall relate in the forthcoming paragraphs. I would urge you, dear reader, to read on.

P1 opened. There were no goals. P1 closed. What more is there to say?

P2 opened and it didn’t take Bison long to open the scoring and start the agonising slide of the Phantoms down the greasy pole to reach their place of inconsolable, Prozac popping wretchedness by the end of a match which will haunt them for all eternity (OK that last bit might be a trifle exaggerated). What about the goal? Oh yes. On 23:18 a stretch pass so enormous that even Stretch Armstrong would have been impressed (Stretch who? See below) was delivered by Brendan Baird to the Phantoms’ blue line. There lurked Adam Harding, who took possession of the biscuit and set forth in a goalwards direction. The Phantoms’ D had been caught with their trousers down, but thankfully not literally so there was no public outrage. Nevertheless they were out to lunch, out of sorts and out for the count as Harding bore down on the hapless Jordan Marr, custodian of the ghostly net. Harding whipped an unstoppable wrist shot past the unfortunate Caledonian. Well it may have been stoppable, but not by Marr. The net bulged and it was 1-0 Bison. A goal of great ghastliness for the ghostly visitors to concede. It had been ghoulish defending. It was Bison’s first competitive goal for a year and a half. The crowd showed their approbation. Had there been any vicars present, they may have shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”, although it is unlikely that the Almighty had anything to do with the goal, but Baird and Hallum Wilson had and they were awarded assists.

Not content with a one goal lead (well why should they be?), Bison surged further ahead on 27:39. Alex Sampford scrapped for the puck on the boards, won it and then thought he had become Lionel Messi. He kicked the puck forward with great accuracy to Harding, who charged forward over the blue line with Gordon “George” Norcliffe in support in a 2 on 1. The 1 didn’t hinder the 2 at all as Harding slewed an across the crease pass to Norcliffe. We heard the thwack of stick tape on rubber and the puck flew past the despairing netman. His life was turning into a nightmarr (Credit where credit’s due - Red Leader came up with that one – awful isn’t it?) Marr had been left exposed once more. However, from the Bison perspective it was a goal of great artistry, which had the crowd shouting “HOLY MACKEREL!” and “JUMPING JEHOSOPHT ON A POGO STICK!” and similar exclamations in recognition of the spectacularity of the shot. 2-0 Bison.

3-0 followed 2-0 in quick succession. Just over a minute after goal 2 more unspeakable blue line ineptitude from the visitors allowed Alex Roberts, set up by Paul Petts, to slip the puck past Marr on the doorstep. Zack Milton with the second assist. The Bison crowd trumpeted their approval at an elephantine level of noise.

By now Coach Koulikov must have been popping the Prozac as he watched with cringing embarrassment the chunderous defending of his team. There seemed no answer to a rampant Bison. However, the Phantoms did hold out for the remaining 11 minutes of the period and must have been relieved when the end of second buzzer sounded, as indeed it inevitably did – on 40:00 in case you are wondering.

P3 opened and very soon the crowd were treated to a moment of great comedic value. Just like a man who had been on a 3 day bender in the company of Jack Daniels, Glen Fiddich and Captain Morgan and had then been hit on the head with a baseball bat, Ref Matthews lost his balance and fell to the ice in a most ignominious fashion. The combined efforts of Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers, Tommy Cooper and Mr. Bean could not have produced a greater piece of slapstick comedy – or at least so the crowd appeared to think. The embarrassment suffered by Mr. Matthews can only be imagined.

Back to the more important issue of the outcome of the game. The calculation was simple. 3 goals and the Phantoms would be on level terms. And indeed 3 goals were scored. Much to the very grave chagrin of the apparitional visitors, however, it was Bison who bagged them, starting on 46:29. Adam ”Oh no not Jonesy” Jones set up fellow D-man Brendan Baird for a clapper. He, the latter, brought his lumber down and propelled the biscuit goalwards. The shot was blocked, but the puck fell invitingly in front of the crease to Alex Sampford, who turned and slotted it past Marr. Ref Matthews flat-handedly pointed at the net whilst keeping his feet – a fine example of multi-tasking from this dangerously unstable official. 4-0 Bison.    

Worse was to come for the spectral visitors, who were clearly scaring no-one by this juncture. On 49:33 Corey McEwen tripped Liam Morris. “Oi Geezer! I saw that. You’re gonna do porridge,” said Mr. Matthews or words to that effect. The errant Phantom entered the box with a remit to reflect on his inappropriate conduct and hopefully emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later. Alas his period of reflection and contrition was cut short as less than a minute later Coach Ashley Tait hammered in at the back door (assists to Jones and Milton). Don’t ask me to describe the goal – I wasn’t looking. 5-0 Bison.

The Phantoms’ night of misery and dejection was not yet over. The same combination for goal 5 worked goal 6. The goal caused the traveling Phantoms’ fans to spiral downwards into a dark place where depression, hopelessness and melancholia abounded. There was only 1 bottle of Prozac left in the away block and fights broke out amongst the fans for its contents (OK I might be exaggerating a little here). Goal no. 6 was another power play goal. On 50:15 Thomas Barry (not to be confused with Barry Thomas, Hackney Hawks speedway rider from the 70s – Honest Pete will remember him) was adjudged guilty of a trip. The dictionary defines trip as “a voyage or journey made by a boat, train, bus or the like between two points”. This clearly not what Barry did, although he was invited by Ref Matthews to make a voyage to the penalty box in consequence. No conveyance of any sort was available, so Barry had to go to the cooler under his own steam. And there he sat for 1:58.

A mere 2 seconds remained on the penalty and it looked as if the Phantoms might be successful in defending the PP. However, Jones, Tait and Milton had other ideas with the latter slotting in on the doorstep. 6-0 Bison.

The clock ran down and no-one dared to even whisper the word beginning with “S”. At 60:00 the final buzzer sounded, the shut out had been achieved and the Little Bighorn-esque massacre was complete. Oh dear Phantoms.

Top bananas were elected. The Bison choice was a difficult one. Alex “Mittens” Mettam with a shut out? Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones with 3 assists – points scoring D-men don’t grow on trees, unlike money? No it was Zack “Paradise Lost” Milton with 1 goal and 2 assists and now a box of beers. Best Phantom was the incredibly speedy Morgan Clarke-Pizzo.

 Doughty Double Does It

Bison 3 Raiders 2

11/9/21

O Joy! Planet Ice is still standing. Do the steps slope more than they did 18 months ago? Or have we forgotten how much they sloped already? Who knows? What we do know for sure is that hockey has returned! And on Saturday night our creaking shed was packed to the gunwhales, except those areas closed off to the public for fear of a structural collapse. We had all come to see the season opener – a friendly with the London/Romford Raiders. Well I say “friendly”, although, as you will become aware if you read on, dear reader, events at the end of P2 threatened to rebrand this fixture an “unfriendy”. But, as usual, I jump ahead. Let us return to the beginning of the game – P1 opened……

Bison broke the deadlock on 10:43. Alex Roberts robbed a dilatory and dithering D-man of the puck on the blue line. I shall decline to name the D-man, not because I wish to spare his blushes, but because I don’t know who he was. The Canadian fellow slewed a diagonal pass to the man sporting the best Irish name I have heard since I worked with Mick O’Toole on a building site in 1979. Of course it was Aidan Doughty. The Irishman (actually he was born on the Isle of Wight not the Emerald Isle, but why let that prevent a plethora of Irish references in forthcoming reports) unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past Brad Windebank, the despairing Raiders goaltender. The puck crashed into the net with such force that, had it been as flimsy as Ena Sharples’s hair net (that famous Coronation Street battle-axe - see below), it would have passed through and travelled all the way to Dublin. But the Bison goal nets are made of stern stuff and this did not happen. The net merely bulged. 1-0 Bison and no more scoring in the period.

Bison began P2 hoping to increase their lead, but, much to their very grave chagrin, the Raiders levelled it up instead. On 21:15 ex-Bison man Desperate Dan Scott found another ex Bison man Aaron “Billy” Connolly. Billy, who won everything at Bison, but very little at the Raiders (in fact nothing at all) executed an oh so familiar Connolly move, cutting in from the right wing and whipping a shot past Alex “Mittens” Mettam in the Bison net. 1-1. The handful of Raiders fans who had made the trip attempted to emulate the shock waves generated by the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, which circled the planet 7 times. Alas not only did their cheering not circumnavigate the globe seven times nor once, it couldn’t even be heard in Block C, but never mind. Perhaps they would have an opportunity to do better if the Raiders scored again.

Bison restored their lead before the period had drawn to a conclusion. On 23:07 Rio Grinnel-Park was deemed guilty of a crosscheck. Whether he was cross at the time he committed the check, only he can confirm. It mattered not. Referee Brooks blew a thunderous blast from his Acme Thunderer and exclaimed “Oi matey! You can’t do that. You’re going down the steps”. And indeed down the steps he went, albeit only metaphorically, as the way to the penalty box from the ice is actually up one step. It matters not a jot how many steps and in which direction were involved. The end result was that Grinnel-Park was banged up. Bison went on the power play and managed to take advantage of the 5 on 4 with the clock on 24:25. If you are curious to find out how, read on.

A lightning attack involving Roberts and Zack “Paradise Lost” Milton displayed such artistry that, if it had had static physical form, you could have hung it in the Tate. They cut the Raiders D to ribbons as effectively as a scorned girlfriend would scissor up your best Savile Row suit. The set up pass was to Doughty steaming in from the left wing with only Windebank to beat. It called for a top ched screamer and this is precisely what the much larger than a leprechaun forward produced. He whipped an unstoppable shot past the head and shoulder (nothing to do with dandruff shampoo) of the hapless goaltender. 2-1 Bison. The Bison backers exploded and attempted to show the Raiders’ fans how to properly emulate the eruption of Krakatoa. They did their best but a 7 times circling of the earth with their shock waves was not achieved. Goal no.2 for Doughty and Irish eyes must have been smiling.

The period ended with scenes of the most appalling violence, more than the Battle of Waterloo (1815), the Cawnpore Massacre (1857) and the first day of the Somme (1916) combined. It started with Alex Mettam being given a snow shower by Tom Relph as he, the former, covered the puck in his crease. Liam “Square Sausage” Morris quite rightly took exception to this and attempted to extract an apology from Relph. The latter clearly was not going to offer one up, so Morris decided to knock the errant fellow’s block off instead. A scene of the most virulent violence erupted. The crowd were on their feet wallowing in blood lust and shouts of “KILL ‘IM” were heard emanating from Block C. Possibly exhortations to Morris to commit serious atrocities on Relph were made elsewhere also, but I heard none. Meaty blows were exchanged until finally the officials stepped in to call a halt to the proceedings. The pugilists skated off, doubtless hoping that the officials hadn’t noticed and no censure would be forthcoming. They were mistaken. The contretemps had been difficult not to see, even for the myopic officials, and each miscreant received a 5 minute fighting penalty with the errant Relph an additional 2 minutes for “unsportsmanlike conduct”. You bet it was.

And so into the final period we passed. The game was evenly poised, but not for long. On 47:16 Lukas Sladovsky got cross and was called for checking. “I’m the man with the tin star,” said Ref Matthews, “and you can either get out of Dodge or go to the penalty box”. It is doubtful that Sladovsky even realised he was in Dodge in the first place, so he chose to go to the box, hoping for a 2 minute feet up rest while his colleagues defended the power play. Alas they failed and he was out in only 5 seconds. The puck was worked back and forth across the Raiders’ goal. Brendan Baird (I wonder if he has as many superstitions as his brother Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird) lurked on the point with stick raised. He brought it down with the blade hitting the ice just behind the puck. The stick bent and straightened (OK I couldn’t actually see that from Block C) and thwacked the biscuit to make it fly in a goalwards direction. Windebank may have had the shot covered, but he never had the pleasure of finding out because, before it reached him, a twig was dangled and the biscuit changed direction and was past him before he could say “Jack Robinson”, although I am not sure he would have wanted to say that anyway. The twig dangler was Alex Sampford. Goal no.1 of the season for him. A second assist to Liam Morris. 3-1 Bison.

Bison were now comfortable, but as we know as 2 goal lead can be lost in as little time it takes to say Jack Robinson (oh no not him again). A further 10 minutes passed with the Raiders trying desperately hard to reduce the arrears, but to no avail. Then suddenly they did just that with Erik Piatak whipping a pinpoint accurate shot past Mettam, who had delivered a stellar performance in the Bison net and had stopped all manner of goalbound shots until then. Dan Scott was once again identified as assistant. 3-2 Bison and all to play for in the last 2:44.

The Raiders threw their all into a final effort. Time was running out and a last desperate throw of the dice was needed. They were in the last chance saloon and they would have to pull their goaltender. The signal was made and Windebank skated off at such speed that I thought he was being chased by a rabid stoat. However, no such creature could I see. A 6 on 5 ensued, but yielded no benefit. The final buzzer sounded and it was Goodnight Vienna for the Raiders.

Men of the Match were elected. Bison’s best was adjudged to have been Aidan Doughty and the Raiders’ top banana was Aaron “Billy” Connolly.

Disciplinary Dogs' Dinner Does for the Dogs

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

29/2/20

The Steeldogs journeyed to the sunny south from the frozen wastes of the north looking to sweep Bison, having won 3 out of 3 in this season’s previous encounters. As it turned out they were the architects of their own downfall, as I shall relate, so, dear reader, I would implore you to refrain from diverting your attention elsewhere and instead to read the humble account which I lay before you in the hope of eliciting edification.

P1 opened and after some early pressure by Bison it was the Dogs who snatched a go-ahead goal on 3:23. I must confess, dear reader, I can cast no light upon how the goal was scored, and so the method by which the visitors breached the pipes behind goaltender Alex “Mittens” Mettam will remain uncommented upon here. Suffice it to say that the scorer was James Spurr assisted by Tim Smith, but not the Tim Smith who appears on Steve Wright’s radio 2 show – he was elsewhere. 1-0 Dogs.

Bison levelled it on 9:34. Fed by Coach Tait, Michal Klejna slewed a pass across the face of the goal. The Dogs’ D made a dog’s dinner of defending. It was indeed a trousers down moment for them as they failed to cover Sean “Eminem” Norris. He, the latter named, smacked the puck home and it was 1-1.

A very even period was moving to a close with Bison on the attack. Could they launch one last effort to snatch a go-ahead goal before the cessation of P1 hostilities? Ben Morgan, formerly captain of the Dogs, but, when he was, not a distiller of rum as far as I am aware, hauled down Norris as he latched onto a stretch pass and hammered towards goal as if there was no tomorrow. If he, Norris or anyone else for that matter, thought there was going to be no tomorrow, he was wrong, as, if you are reading this today (yesterday’s tomorrow) there clearly was and is. A shrill blast emitted from the referee’s whistle and Morgan had his collar felt. It was arguably a penalty worth taking, at least so the Dogs must have thought at the time, but, much to their very grave chagrin I am sure, it proved not to be such. Whilst Morgan was doing his stretch of solitary and able to reflect on his misdeed and emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later, his spell down the steps was cut short when Bison bagged one in the dying embers of the period. Gordon “George” Norcliffe dug the puck out and short passed to Tait. Back in 1961 Del Shannon (that’s the geezer playing  a Gretsch guitar above) had a bit hit with “Runaway”, in which he lamented “and I wonder, I wa wa wa wa wonder, why a why why why why why she ran away, my little runaway, my run run run run runaway”. Well at this moment it wasn’t Del Shannon’s “she” who ran way. No indeed. It was the Dogs’ D. Netman Dmitri Zimozdra went to ground to save Tait’s shot but the rebounded rubber went straight to Klejna. The hapless goaltender was now up a gum tree, up the creek without a paddle and floundering like a beached whale all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking). Klejna stood, perhaps not on the steps of destiny, but certainly in front of an inviting open net, much larger than Ena Sharples’s hair net (see below). The Slovak chap slapped the biscuit into the stringbag and it was 2-1 Bison with only 2.6 seconds of P1 on the clock – a timely strike indeed.

Into the 2^nd epoch of play we passed. And it would be the Dogs who would level it on 25:11. The puck bobbled around in the Bison defensive zone with the homesters unable to clear it. Suddenly it broke to Jack Brammer, a callow youth of 16, who rifled it top ched like an experienced pro. Well done to him. Reece Cochrane and Ben Morgan picked up assists. 2-2.

7 minutes later Bison snatched back the lead. You may recall on Boxing Day last Adam Harding scored a goal against the Swindon Wildcats from behind the goal line by banking in a shot off the goaltender. The ever curmudgeonly Cats’ coach Aaron Nell, in a fit of resentment devoid of generosity and suffering from a bankruptcy of spirit, whilst wallowing in a sea of begrudgement (OK that’s may not be a real word but it should be), described Harding’s goal as “the luckiest goal you’ll ever see”, indicating that it was unintentional. Not so. He proved it by doing exactly the same thing on 32:46. With Zimozdra down on the ice like a beached whale up a gum tree without a paddle once more, Harding saw the opportunity and fired in off the helpless custodian’s skate from behind the goal line. Mr. Nell were you watching? Assists to Norris and Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones. For Zimozdra it was a perfectly beastly moment. Had he been from the East End of London like me, he might have been moved to shout “COWSON”, but he isn’t and didn’t. 3-2 Bison.

P2 ended and into the final epoch we moved and it didn’t take long for Bison to extend their lead. Set up by Ryan Sutton and Sam “Turbo” Talbot, Dangling Dick Bordowski skated out in front of goal and then fired in a wrist shot bar Mexico on the swivel. (Bar what? It’s hockey parlance for off the bar and down of course). 4-2 Bison.

The Dogs were not done yet, however, and on 51:11 they stormed back into a solitary goal deficit with a superbly executed move up the left wing, a cut inside and an unleashing of an unstoppable wrist shot past Mettam by Vladimir Luka. Lovely move and score it has to be said. Tim Smith assisted. 4-3 Bison, but the Dogs very much back in it.

The clock ticked down and the Dogs were, not quite in the last chance saloon, but fast entering the period where they had to crank up the pressure and not give away any penalties to make them short handed with 5 minutes to play. Simon Sudbury was a very silly fellow. That’s the geezer above or at least what’s left of him. As Lord Chancellor he introduced a crippling poll tax on the people of England. This was the spark which lit the powder keg which was the Peasants’ Revolt of 1381. An enraged mob of thousands of downtrodden serfs led by Wat Tyler and Jack Straw marched on London and burst into the Tower of London where Sudbury was hiding. The angry villagers dragged out the terrified Lord Chancellor and decapitated the featherbrained fellow. He just hadn’t thought the poll tax thing through, had he? On a Simon Sudbury scale of silliness where 1 is very sensible and 10 is very silly, the Dogs scored 10. It all started on 55:48 when the bell tolled for Lewis Bell, guilty of a late hit. Off to the glasshouse went the miscreant. “OK see out the power play and we still have 2:12 to bag a levelling score,” must have been the visitors’ thoughts. A sound plan indeed. But alas with one fatal flaw. They couldn’t defend the power play. Set up by Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, Bordowski rapped a shot against the bar. It wasn’t bar Mexico this time as the puck flew sideways. Zimozdra must have been pleased when he heard the distinctive sound of rubber against metal as he realised that the goal frame had saved his bacon. He may even have been filled with a warm glow of satisfaction, which would of course have put him in a different place to the Rolling Stones (see below), whose lead singer, Mick Jagger, told us back in 1965 “I can't get no. No no, no. Satisfaction. Hey, hey, hey. That's what I say. I can't get no satisfaction”. However, whether or not he did experience such an emotion must remain a matter of speculation. The unfortunate fellow he must have been filled with a sense of foreboding, disaster and indeed impending doom immediately after as the rebounded puck went straight to Alex Sampford, but not via Mexico. Just as Klejna had espied a massive expanse of Ena Sharples-esque net for Bison’s first goal, Sampford now saw the same. The hapless and helpless goaltender was a beaten and broken man in front of him. The dictionary defines “thwack” as “to strike or beat vigorously with something flat” Sampford duly multi-taskedly thwacked, whacked, wellied, leathered and smote the puck all at the same time and it flew into Ena’s hairnet for goal no 5. It was now 5-3 Bison with 3:35 remaining.

OK so that wasn’t good for the Dogs, but, if they avoided any more Simon Sudbury silliness, they were still in with a chance. After all 2 goals in 3:35 can be done. But Simon Sudbury was to rear his ugly head once again, not once but twice. On 57:54 Luka went down the steps for a late hit. 5 on 4. Then on 58:23 Smith was thrown in the can for charging. 5 on 3 and curtains for the Dogs. Their chances of levelling it up were now deader than a do-do if indeed there can be degrees of deadness – I mean you’re either dead or you aren’t. You can’t be deader than something else which is also dead, can you? Never mind all that. The Dogs had the final task of defending the 5 on 3 to achieve a modicum of respectability at least. They failed. With 23 seconds remaining Jones slewed an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Tait. The latter then found the man over at the back door. It was Klejna. He hammered the biscuit straight through the 5-hole of Zimozdra, who had another good reason to shout “COWSON”. With the concession of the 6^th Bison goal the mood in away fans block became funereal. Black armbands were donned, obituaries were written and eulogies were read. 6-3 Bison and goodnight Vienna.

Top bananas were elected. Luka won the Dogs’ award and Talbot took the Bison beers.