Lightning Strike Zaps Bison

Bison 2 Milton Keynes Lightning 3

16/3/13

Bison’s defeat in last night’s close encounter with the MK Lightning confirmed the Guildford Flames as back to back champions of the EPL. They are now mathematically impossible to catch. And in the spirit of goodwill and sportsmanship we say “well done” to the Flames team and their fair minded supporters. To the gloaters we say nothing at all. Anyway on to last night’s game……..

The 1^st period was a tight affair with only 13 shots on goal between the two teams. Bison looked to be playing at half speed. It was not surprising that the period ended goalless. The major incident of the period occurred in the 16^th minute when Bison old boy, Chris Wiggins, piled Zach Sullivan headfirst into the boards. It was an ugly challenge and the Bison crowd were incensed. Some shouted “Bring back hanging!”, whilst others, with a more realistic understanding of the punishments available to the officials, exhorted “Give him a game!”. And indeed referee Dave Cloutman concurred. He threw Wiggie out of the game, but not literally of course – now that would have been an entertaining spectacle i.e. the elderly, bespectacled and slightly overweight man in stripes hurling the 6’5” Wiggins through the bench door head first. “5 + game” said Clouts and Wiggie skated from the penalty box and saw himself through the door without the need for physical assistance from Clouts. Sully was helped to the locker room in considerable discomfort and it seemed a miracle as astounding as the parting of the Red Sea that he returned for the 2^nd period. Bison now had a 5 minute power play, but they could find no way past Alex Mettam in the MK net.

From the start of the 2^nd Bison appeared to have woken from their 1^st period slumbers and were playing with greater pace and determination. Lumberjack Joe Rand fired in a shot shot which was smothered, but the puck squirted loose to Carl “Scooter” Graham, who fired in slap shot, which was also smothered, but not frozen. There then ensued a monumental melée in front of the MK net. The area around Mettam’s crease became a seething mass of black and white clad hockey players challenging for the puck. It appeared that everyone including Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan’l Whiddon, Harry Hawke and Uncle Tom Cobley and all were in there stabbing, slashing, poking, thrusting, jabbing, tapping, nudging, scuffing and prodding at the puck. All we needed now was Tom Pearce’s grey mare to join the fray, but of course she wasn’t on the bench and couldn’t.

On 28 minutes Bison took the lead. Some good grinding in the corner by Lumberjack Joe Rand enabled Cuddly Joe Greener to feed Coach Sheppard. Maple Leaf Doug took the puck around the back of the goal, emerged the other side and looked to square it to Joe Rand who had reappeared in front of the net as if from Aladdin’s lamp. Just the other side of the glass was Climbing Girl (she knows about things mathematical). She may have been working out the mathematical probability of Bison scoring. With no goals from 5 shots on goal in the first period she would have calculated the probability of a goal as 0%. But there was no time for mental arithmetic as Maple Leaf Doug squeezed the puck through Alex Mettam’s 5-hole before Climbing Girl could say “Muhammed al-Khowârizmi” (Who the hell? Google him if you’ve never heard of him – I bet Climbing Girl has). Perhaps Mettam was expecting a centring pass to Rand. It was the coach’s 30^th goal of the season. Congratulations to him. 

Bison’s lead didn’t last long – a minute and a half in fact. I told you last week that the Man from MI5 had gone on holiday. Well it looked as if the Bison D had joined him as Ross Bowers and Connor Goode (no relation to Johnny B. Goode as far as I am aware) set up the evergreen Nicky Chinn in front of the net. Chinny in his shot and then, to add insult to injury, fell upon Stonewall Stevie Lyle and the two slid into the net. Alas 500 lbs of Welshmen and equipment was more than the net moorings could stand and off the goal moved, but after the puck had crossed the line so the goal was given. 1-1.

Bison restored their lead 2 minutes later with a goal from Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, of which Picasso himself would have been proud. It was a work of sheer artistry and you could have hung it in the Tate. As he skated forward, even the away fans’ most disparaging partisan, suffering from a paucity in the magnanimous generosity department (mean and biased if you prefer), surely couldn’t help but admire the way his clever stick handling enabled him to glide past the MK D-man, who appeared as stationary as the Norwegian Blue from the Monty Python parrot sketch. Now in on Mettam, Chubbs bamboozled his opponent with an exquisite deke to beat the hapless netman. It was 2-1 Bison.

However, Bison were to gift a second equaliser with some slack defending within a minute, as if to say “Sorry we didn’t mean to retake the lead. Here’s another goal for you.” This time the scorer was Connor Goode with a snap shot in front of goal. Michael Farn and Nicky Chinn set him up. 2-2.

On 33 minutes Cuddly Joe Greener was adjudged to have high sticked Michael Farn and joined Chris Wiggins in the “chucked out of the game” club with a 5 + match (later commuted to a game penalty). It was now the Lightning’s turn to throw away a 5 minute power play. In fact on two occasions during the penalty kill slack defending by MK allowed Bison short handed goal opportunities. Firstly, Shoeless Joe Miller’s wrist shot was deflected away and then moments later Coach Sheppard found Chubbs Chambers at the back door but his shot was saved.

The 2^nd ended at 2-2, which was a little disappointing from the Bison perspective, as they had peppered Mettam’s goal with 20 shots, compared with only 9 on Stevie Lyle, but to their credit they had killed the 5 minute power play. To have gone in a goal or two behind as a result of the power play, which could easily have happened, would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the bottom of a parrot’s cage, bearing in mind the home team’s shots on goal dominance, but all square and with everything to play for it was.

Into the 3^rd we went and it would be the Lightning who would snatch the points with a 48^th minute deciding goal. Put in by Lewis Christie and Leigh Jamieson, Janne Jokila skated forward from the right wing and fired a wrist shot over Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s catcher and into the top corner of the net. As if someone had flicked a switch the mood amongst the Lightning faithful suddenly became elated, enthusiastic, excited, exuberant, euphoric and enraptured, whereas at the flick of the same switch the mood in the Bison camp had become dejected, despairing, despondent, dismal, doleful and distressed.

Bison pulled out all the stops to try and get back on level terms. All they needed from the game was one point to seal second place in the EPL, but the  Lightning D were proving as tough as a plug of chewing tobacco bought in some general store in the Klondike circa 1896. There was no way past Mettam. Once again the Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky was a target for rough stuff (every week this seems to be the case). First he was high sticked in the face and left lying on the ice by Ross Bowers, who escaped punishment entirely. The Howling Man of Block C was incensed. He had earlier shouted “Get down to Specsavers” at his favourite official, Dave Cloutman. And now he enunciated an incomprehensible tirade, doubtless including the same suggestion. Alas Mr. Cloutman had not been to Specsavers, didn’t see the incident, gave nothing and the Bison crowd were left dumfounded. 5 minutes later Lewis Christie “interfered with” the bruised and battered Jaro causing him to imitate Jules Léotard. Who? The man about whom the song was written – you know the one :-

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,

That daring young man on the flying trapeze.

Jules Léotard

This time Mr. Cloutman called it and Christie was invited to complete 2 minutes porridge. Alas for the Bison faithful, their team could not capitalise on the power play and in desperation pulled Lyle as the clock ticked down, but they still could not pick the MK padlock and so ended the game with a hard fought road win for the Lightning.

Not On Our Ice

Bison 4 Guildford Flames 2

9/3/13

The Guildford Flames came to Planet Ice last night seeking a win that would have clinched their second successive EPL title. However, Bison had other ideas and slammed the door in their faces with a polite “Not on our ice you don’t.” The Flames may be odds on to be crowned champions once again, but they don’t seem to be able to win at Planet Ice. Suffering their 6^th successive EPL defeat in Basingstoke, they will have to be content with waiting another day to take the pennant. 

The crowd were treated to a tough, physical, competitive and exciting game - a contest of blood and guts, blood and iron and blood and thunder. Bison blood was up and they were determined to spill the Flames’ blood on the carpet. There was no bad blood between the teams, but right from the first puck drop Bison smelled blood and sweated blood to give the Flames a bloody nose. And we even had some blood when Greg “Chubbs” Chambers drew blood from Nathan Rempel near the end of the 2^nd and was initially given a match penalty, which caused the blood of some of the Bison faithful to boil and the blood of others to run cold.

It took Bison 7 minutes to draw first blood (OK enough “blood” for this report). A miscontrolled puck flew high into the air and was caught by Greg “The Specs” Owen. He saw a clear path to goal and, dropping the puck in front of him, skated forward with it. When he saw the whites of netman Mark Lee’s eyes he let loose a wrist shot. If Tommy Walsh had been the Flames goaltender he could have quickly built a brick wall to block the goal completely (actually I’m not sure he does brickwork). Lee has no such abilities nor did he have the time to do so and Owen’s shot flew past him for an unassisted goal and 1-0 Bison.

There was no further scoring in the period, but not for the want of trying with both teams giving their all to ensure that the scoreboard operator didn’t drop off. However, it didn’t take long for Bison to increase their lead with the 2^nd period underway. And it was the crowd’s favourite – a short handed goal. Shoeless Joe Miller was adjudged to have hooked. The Flames faithful spectating in great numbers might have thought that the punishment for Joe’s misdemeanour should have been more appropriately a sentence of 2 years breaking rocks on the chain gang. However, it is not within the power of the men in stripes to impose such a draconian punishment and Joe ended up with a 2 minute holiday sitting on a comfy bench enjoying the spectacle of his team’s penalty kill and celebrating a short handed goal. With the Flames’ 5 men committed up ice, the puck broke to Greg “The Specs”. He powered forward clear of the field and fired in a shot which Lee saved, but couldn’t freeze. On hand was Cuddly Joe Greener to force the puck home. It was 2-0 Bison.

Shortly after the Bison faithful were treated to a wonderful cameo of never say die determination from back from injury Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. Down on the ice and apparently out of the play he hooked the puck at full stretch into the path of a team mate.

With the game approaching the halfway stage, the Bison goal remained intact, despite the Flames nibbling away at it and hoping Stonewall Stevie Lyle would end up with egg on his face and make the hitherto gloatingly jubilant Bison supporters eat humble pie. D-man David Savage, no couch potato when it comes to chipping in goals for his team, had the Flames crowd eating out of his hand as he scored with a plum effort. It was a peach of a back hander, delivered blind, which sent the puck sizzling into the net like a whirling mini pizza. Not so much “dish of the day” it certainly was “goal of the game” on my menu and a provided a great moment for the Flames fans to take away at the end of the game.

It was now those Flames fans who were the gloatingly jubilant ones. With their team only a goal away from parity, they could sense a comeback. However, within 3 minutes the cup of optimism was to be wrenched from their lips in no uncertain terms with a goal scored with panache, aplomb, flamboyance, style, swagger, verve and élan to reanimated the Bison crowd and impregnate them with a revived feeling of optimism to replace the one of unease and concern which had been slowly creeping in to cloud their consciousness. It was a “Joe” goal, set up by Lumberkack Joe Rand and scored by Shoeless Joe Miller. Rand battled on the boards, broke clear and sent a peach (OK no more food analogies) of a long pass diagonally across the ice to Shoeless Joe steaming in from the right wing and bearing down on Mark Lee unopposed. Had Lee possessed magical powers he could have done something like making Joe’s stick disappear in a puff of smoke. But he didn’t and he couldn’t or maybe he did have, but the spell just didn’t work. Suffice it to say that he could do nothing to stop the unstoppable – a top shelf wrist shot which threated to break the net. “Goodbye, goodbye, we’re leaving you, skiddlydye. Goodbye, we wish a fond goodbye, fa-ta-ta-ta-ta, fa-ta-ta-ta”. So sang Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. It might just as well have been sung by the Flames D because they appeared to have left the game, hanging a furious Lee out to dry. He showed his displeasure by way of a tantrum of which a “terrible two” would have been proud.

The turning point of the game came shortly afterwards and straddled the 2^nd and 3^rd periods. On the stroke of 37 minutes Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was given a 5 + match penalty for high sticking fellow Canadian Nathan Rempel, handing Bison a 5 minute power play to defend. To make matters worse, Cuddly Joe Greener had his collar felt for charging in the final minute of the period, handing 2 minutes of a 5 on 3 to the visitors. To concede now would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the bottom of Tutenkhamun’s sarcophagus, but a combination of resolute, organised defense, good fortune and a lack of ability to make it count from the Flames saw Bison snuff out the power play completely and they even had time to conjure up another short handed goal opportunity as Owen broke away but saw his shot saved. Had the Man from MI5 been present he would have appreciated Bison’s iron curtain style power play kill, but alas he was on holiday. His vacation destination has to remain a secret of course.

The Flames did eventually manage to return the game to a one goaler on 53 minutes when Paul Dixon skated across goal and fired in a wrist shot unassisted. It was 3-2 and now Bison had a nervy final 7 minutes to hold on.

With 2 minutes to go after some excellent grinding in the corner had killed valuable time to further frustrate the Flames’ efforts to grab that all important levelling score, tempers flared and Greener and Rempel exchanged pushes and shoves, but not punches without gloves, so the officials let it go. As the seconds ticked down and with the fat lady busy practicing arpeggios, Lee was pulled from the net to give the Flames a 6 on 5. Somebody lost count and with 8 seconds to go the referee pointed out to the Flames that they had 7 men on the ice just before a face off. One of them skated off, the puck was dropped. Calamity for the visitors. It broke to Coach Sheppard. A few strides forward to give himself a clear sight of goal and there was the net gaping open like a yawning hippopotamus, the Grand Canyon, the mouth of a wide mouthed frog or any other wide open object you might care to mention. Maple Leaf Doug made no mistake as he slid the puck home for 4-2 Bison. Had any members of the aristocracy been present, they may have shown their enthusiasm for the goal by shouting “What a spiffing score, old fruit”. But the Bison crowd appears to be made up principally of solid members of the proletariat and no such utterance was heard.

Suffice it to say that the fat lady was now required to sing. It was game over, but, much to the delight of the Bison faithful, not title decided.

Lumberjack Joe Chops Down the Jets’ Trees

A big thank you to all who read my report on last week’s Dogs game. Quite frankly I wasn’t really in the mood to write a report – not sour grapes because we lost, but because of the undercurrent of unpleasantness of a very bad evening. However, the Bespectacled Youth persuaded me otherwise. I thought no-one would read it, but over 230 people did including 60 odd from a link put up by someone on the Manchester Phoenix Forum, would you believe? One of them referred to me as a “sad individual”. I take that as a compliment! Maybe he was a Dogs fan and didn’t like a few home truths??

Bison 5 Slough Jets 4 (shoot out)

2/3/13

Bison’s run of 4 successive EPL defeats was brought to an end last night with a comeback which made Lazarus sauntering out of his cave alive and in robust of health look a mere bagatelle. Down and apparently out at 0-3 halfway through the 2^nd and looking decidedly lack lustre, Bison came back to snatch an unexpected victory. Heroes of the night were Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, playing as a stand in D-man, with 2 goals in 2 minutes to haul Bison back from a 2-4 deficit to parity in the 3^rd and Lumberjack Joe Rand with a sweet breakaway goal in the 2^nd and a penalty shoot out winner.

The 1^st period belonged to the Jets. Although shots on goal were about even, Bison looked like they were playing at half speed. The Jets took the lead in the 16^th minute with a power play goal from James Hutchinson. Put in by Gomeniuk and Pliskauskas he got in close and slipped the puck under Stonewall Stevie Lyle. Less than a minute later it was 0-2. Slava Koulikov, set up by Ciaron Long, saw his shot deflect high into air off Lyle, but before the goaltender could react Mindy Kieras had batted it past him into the goal.

Bison started the 2^nd in better form, but, though they huffed and puffed, they were finding it very difficult to blow the Jets’ house down. They nearly registered a short handed goal in the 28^th minute. With Carl Graham sent to the box for a slash (should I rephrase that?), Coach Sheppard broke clear, but saw his shot saved. Alas whilst still on the penalty kill, they fell further behind as Darius Pliskauskas fired in a long range wrist shot for the Jets’ 2^nd power play goal of the game. Kieras and Gomeniuk assisted. It was 0-3 Jets and the fat lady was practicing her arpeggios.

Things were looking grim for the Bison faithful. It was now over 90 minutes of play on home ice since they had scored an EPL goal. A comeback from this position seemed as unlikely as Robbie Coltrane orbiting the moon on the back of a sparrow. But hockey is a funny game and recoveries from apparently hopeless positions have been manifold in hockey history. A glimmer of hope surfaced in the 34^th minute. With man mountain Frankie Bakrlik in the dark dungeon that is the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box for slashing, Bison went on the power play. The pessimistic amongst the Bison crowd didn’t get excited. After all the Bison power play seemed to have hit a brick wall in recent games. In their last home ice game against the Steeldogs they failed to take advantage of any of their 11 power play opportunities and the cynical amongst the crowd were beginning to think that shutting out a short handed goal counted as a measure of power play success. But the pessimistic and the cynical were made to look like nothing other than curmudgeonly, gloomy, despondent, melancholy, lugubrious, disconsolate, morose, wretched and miserable down in the mouths, not to mention pessimistic and cynical. How? Bison scored! With the Jets pinned back Shoeless Joe Miller fed Greg “The Specs” Owen just inside the blueline. He passed square to the other Greg aka “Chubbs” Chambers. As the Jets D switched their focus to Chubbs space opened up in front of Greg “The Specs” and he beat the yet another Greg (Rockman) with a slap shot from Chubbs’s return pass. The puck flew high into the net with the speed, if not the trajectory, of an Agincourt archer’s arrow. Not even the Berlin wall could have stopped that, thought the Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C (hardly surprising as it no longer exists, but he does – I keep telling you).

At least at 1-3 there was hope for the Bison faithful, a straw to clutch, light at the end of the tunnel to observe, a peg on which to hang their hat, a ray of sunshine to bask in. The Greenhorn Guest, who had spent the game speaking of “goalkeepers”, “ice hockey” and “Bisons” made a bid for the crown of Mystic Jo. “It will end 4-4,” he said.

And so the game moved into the 3^rd. Within a minute a disaster on the scale of the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa occurred. Coach Sheppard’s drop pass was picked up by Long. He skated in on Lyle and was hauled to the ice by the stick and person of Bison’s Bouncing Czech, Jarolsav Cesky. The Jets were awarded a penalty shot. There could be no complaint, even from the Howling Man. Actually I think he did voice his contrary opinion, albeit to no avail. Long skated in on Lyle and feinted to shoot, forcing Lyle to commit himself, but then dragged the puck wide and tried to squeeze it in at the opposite post. However, Lyle slid across and blocked the shot with his pad at the foot of the post. No goal. In celebration a convulsive commotion characterised by a cacophony of caterwauling broke out amongst the contented crowd.

On 45 minutes it was a one goal game. Lumberjack Joe Rand delivered the goods. A robust and rugged physical challenge, not to mention a wiggle of Joe’s lithe and lissom hips coupled with a slick and sagacious sleight of hand, allowed him to seize the puck from the hapless Jets D-man, Sam Godfrey. The Basingstoke lumberjack moved the puck forward with his stick and skate and bore down on Rockman. An attempt to halt his progress was made from behind, but even with a stick hooked around his body, Joe still managed to squeeze the puck in for a delayed penalty goal and 2-3.

Seriously back in the game now Bison needed to keep it tight and continue to press, now they had the momentum. To allow the Jets to snatch that away with another goal would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from a Dixieland jazz clarinetist’s reed after a week at Mardi Gras. But that is exactly what transpired. Only a minute and a half later the ever dangerous Bakrlik cut in from the right wing and fired home a peach of a wrist shot, beating Lyle high. Hutchinson picked up the assist. Heads could have dropped at this stage. Having worked so hard to get back into the game it looked as if the cup was going to be snatched from Bison lips Tantalus style. The curmudgeonly were beginning to rear their ugly heads once more. But no! Enter Greg “Chubbs” Chambers. With Bakrlik incarcerated for a slash, Bison scored their second power play goal of the night, Chubbs lifting a superb wrist shot past Rockman from just inside the blueline. Miller and Rand assisted. Not content with that Chubbs scored again 2 minutes later. Some determined grinding behind the net by Miller and Cesky ended with the former firing a pass to Chubbs, who repeated his feat with another unstoppable wrist shot. The goal had been scored with aplomb (with a what? OK with style).

The remaining minutes of regular time and those of overtime ticked down with no further scoring and so we came to a penalty shoot out to decide the victor. Davies and Miller both scored in the first round. Pliskauskas missed and Sheppard scored in the second and so to the final round with Bison 2-1 ahead. Up first was the deadly Frankie Bakrlik with over 40 goals for the Jets this season. He had to score and did. A clever deke and the giant Czech slotted home. It was now all down to Lumberjack Joe Rand. He moved forward eager to repeat his beating of Rockman for the second Bison goal. As Joe approached, the Jets’ fans must have wished that their goaltender possessed the bulk of Two Ton Ted from Teddington, who drove the baker’s van (Google him if you’re not a Benny Hill fan), so that he could block the goal completely, but Rocky was no Ted and he couldn’t. Lumberjack Joe slotted home and the win was Bison’s.