Skin of the Teeth Win for Dominant Bison

Bison 4 Peterborough Phantoms 3

10/1/15

The third Planet Ice encounter between the two teams was played out last night with the series at one apiece. The first game was marred by outrageous violence, the second played out in a good spirit, but marred by goaltender Janis Auzins’s gloating gestures towards the Bison backers at the end. What were we to see this time?

The opening minutes of play were dominated by Bison, who were looking very lively and passing and moving much more crisply than in recent weeks. They eventually made their superiority count with a goal on 9 minutes, but I jump ahead. First I must relate an incident of the most deplorable and depraved violence which occurred on 7 minutes. Michael “Muzzy” Wales clattered one of the brothers Ferrara. Immediately ref Thompson’s arm went up to indicate a penalty and a power play to the Phantoms. However, indiscipline by the unsavoury Greg Pick turned it into a Bison power play instead, as Muzzy’s challenge was immediately followed by a violent assault on his person by Pick, which, had it occurred in Basingstoke High Street with members of Hampshire Constabulary in attendance, would have resulted in the disgraceful and indeed despicable assailant being charged with GBH or ABH at a bare minimum and looking at a jail sentence of 6 months rather that a 2 + 2 roughing, which is the punishment he received. So it was the box which received Pick not Wormwood Scrubs. As Muzzy’s kneeing offence attracted only a 2 minute penalty and because he had not returned Pick’s punches, preferring to act as an inert punchbag, it was Bison who went on the power play.

The power play was defended, but within 8 seconds of its termination, Bison bagged an even handed goal. An interesting line was on the ice at the time - 42 year old Bison skipper, Nicky Chinn, with his linemates Stuart “The Cat” Mogg (20) and Cameron “Popeye” Wynn (19). It was like Lance Corporal Jones and 2 Pikes. However, the combination made the Phantoms D raise their hands in surrender and there was no need for Chinny to shout “Handy-hock”. He set up Popeye, whose shot was saved. The rebound was fired back in by Moggy, but once again the Phantoms’ goaltender Auzins was equal to it. However, he could only block the shot and not freeze it and Chinny shovelled it in for 1-0 Bison. Some of the Bison backers informed their friends and family about the goal. Some texted. Some phoned. Some tweeted. Some facebooked. Some sent up smoke signals. Some dot dot dashed. Some waved semaphore flags. And Broadsword called Danny Boy.

It was looking good for Bison, but all their dominance was to count for nothing as some less than top drawer defending, as a member of the aristocracy might describe it, let the Phantoms back in with 2 goals in the space of a minute and a half. A greater robbery could not have been perpetrated by a gang composed of Dick Turpin, Jesse James, Ronnie Biggs and Bonnie and Clyde, but Bison could have no complaints.

The equalising goal came on 13 minutes with Milan Baranyk setting up Marc Levers at the back door. The Bison D had left him completely on his own as they would a radioactive visitor from Chernobyl. There was a big gap between netman and post and Levers required no written invitation. He snapped a one timer past hung out to dry Dean “Deano” Skinns. Luke Ferrara received the second assist. 1-1.

Only a minute and a half later it was 1-2 Phantoms. Edgars Bebris and James Ferrara combined behind the net, the latter sending a pass out to all alone Phantoms’ forward Baranyk in front of the net. He hammered a monster of a snap shot past Skinns, who once again had been hung out to dry.

The Phantoms hit the goal frame late, but there was no more scoring in the period, which ended with a 1-2 scoreline, despite a shot count of 19-7 in Bison’s favour. And so into P2 we went. Allow me a slight digression. Did you ever transform your Bic biro into a peashooter at school? Take out the end cap and ink tube, turn it round and hey presto you have a peashooter. You could now fire out inky paper pellets to splat against the clean white shirt of your hapless classmate. What relevance is this? Well it goes to show that sometimes something can be transformed into something completely different. Bison had to undergo a metamorphosis from a team unable to put the puck in the back of the net (apart from one scrappy effort) whilst at the other end gifting their opponents goals from slack defending into a goal machine rock solid at the back. This they achieved with 2 unanswered goals and a P2 shot count of 17-6 which illustrated their dominance.

P2 opened with another goal frame rattling shot from the Phantoms, this one from Marc Levers. Had that and the one at the end of P1 gone in it would have been a grossly unfair (on the balance of play and shot count) 1-4 Phantoms and surely no way back for Bison. But they didn’t, it wasn’t and there was.

On 27 minutes Bison equalised. A defensive slip up let in Nicky Chinn and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg. Chinny broke left and attempted to lay it on a plate for Moggy at the back door. The puck never reached him, but it mattered not a jot as hapless D-man, Jason Buckman, deflected the puck over the line. It would have been an own goal, had such existed in hockey, but it doesn’t, so Chinny was credited with his second goal of the night and Moggy an assist. 2-2.

5 minutes later it was 3-2 with a move as audacious as Captain Blood’s attempt to steal the Crown Jewells from the Tower of London in 1671. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard marauded towards the Phantoms goal. Karpov passed to the coach at the back door and he drew goaltender Auzins and the entire Phantoms D. Instead of shooting he snapped the puck back to Karpov. It was the perfect set up. Bison’s Czech chappie had an open goal, 6 feet wide and 4 feet high with no goaltender to spoil the view. He doesn’t miss these and didn’t this time. The goal was greeted by a hurling of hats to the rafters of Planet Ice – the city gents their bowlers, the undertakers their top hats, the professors their mortar boards and the Mexicans their sombreros.

P3 was played out with no further addition to the score, although the Phantoms did manage to ring the Bison pipes again (3^rd time) towards the end of the period. Although Bison had outshot the Phantoms by a staggering 36-13, they were still only a solitary goal to the good and the game was tantalisingly balanced. If the visitors could up their game in P3 the points were there for the taking. However, Bison had other ideas, as I shall relate.

A chance for the Phantoms to pull level came on 52 minutes with a power play. Nicky Chinn was called for tripping. He was invited to pack his bags by the referee. Well not literally of course as Chinny’s holiday was to comprise 2 minutes in the less than scenic penalty box, a break for which no luggage would be required. Could the Phantoms take advantage? No they couldn’t and, even worse, they fell further behind to a shortie of the most spectacular variety. A slack pass let in Long Ciaron Long, who skated forward and then set himself for a slap shot from just inside the blue line. It would have been easier for the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A to pass through the eye of a needle with a Biblical camel in tow than for Auzins to stop this missile of a shot, which was past him before he could react. 4-2 Bison and it was looking like game over. But it wasn’t as a minute later the Phantoms made it a one goal game again with a messy shovel in by Baranyk, Pliskauskas and Norton assisting. The Bison backers thought the goal should not have stood as Skinns and 2 other players were down in the crease, but the officials saw no goaltender interference and 4-3 it was. 

Deano performed heroics shortly after, losing his stick whilst making a save and then blocking a shot, whilst still stickless. The manner in which his stick flew away looked as if he was saying “I don’t need this anymore.” And indeed he didn’t. The Phantoms couldn’t score then and couldn’t score after. They pulled Auzins for the last 50 seconds, but the final buzzer sounded and it was all over. The scoreline of 4-3 hardly reflected Bison’s dominance, but it was, nevertheless, a good win against the Phantoms, who have surprised many by their much improved form this season. Janis Auzins was their top banana and, as he skated up to collect his beers, he was generously applauded by the Bison crowd, which went to show that, if you behave in the correct manner (he didn’t last time – see previous report) you will receive appropriate sporting recognition from the opposition fans. Lumberjack Joe Rand was Bison’s top banana.

Title Targeting Tigers Topped

Bison 3 Telford Tigers 2 (shoot out)

3/1/15

The high flying Telford Tigers journeyed to Basingstoke last night hoping to further their title ambitions against a Bison team enjoying (or rather not enjoying) a slump in form and fortune. They brought with them their hordes of fans. Well a horde of 33 to be precise and of those only 6 wearing Tigers shirts – you would have thought that, on the back of their teams’ most successful period ever, more would have made the journey. As “Ferry Cross the Mersey” blared from the Planet Ice speakers, we were left to wonder whether the Scousers will turn out in greater force if the Tigers make their rumoured move to Liverpool.

The opening goal of the game was a power play goal on 7 minutes. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov didn’t score it but he deserves double credit as he got an assist for the goal and also drew the penalty for the power play opportunity. Wonderful stuff from Bison’s Czech chappie. Am I biased? All I will say, dear reader, is that, as I write this humble piece, I sip coffee from my Karpov mug. The Tigers’ Jonathon Weaver used his stick as if it were a butcher’s billhook to impede Karpov’s rush on goal. The consequence of his illegal action was a loud explosion of noise. It wasn’t the detonation of an atomic bomb. It was referee Cloutman’s whistle. “Down the steps you go, matey,” said Mr Cloutman. 53 seconds into the 5 on 4 it was 1-0 Bison. Karpov fired in a shot which Tigers’ goaltender Tom Murdy saved, but could not hold, freeze or conceal about his person by trapping it in his attire. Far from it. The puck bounced off him like a Mexican jumping bean to spark off a blue paint melée of epic proportions. Cuddly Joe Greener tried to force the puck in, but failed. Never mind.  There was Lumberjack Joe Rand, as sharp as the tip of Rosa Klebb’s shoe dagger (any 007 fans out there?), to complete the scoring of a dirty goal. The Bison backers’ celebration of the goal occurred as instantaneously as a gun going off, but fortunately one didn’t so no-one was shot.

There was no more scoring in P2, the teams leaving the ice with Bison on the power play after Blahoslav Novak was adjudged to have tripped. Honours were almost even, but not quite. Bison had outshot the Tigers by 11-8 and had the one goal advantage. They had played it tight, frequently with 3 men in defense. The tactic was working very well.

P2 began and the remaining 21 seconds of the Bison power play was played out without reward for the homesters. However, Bison very nearly doubled their lead shortly after as Long Ciaron Long broke down the right wing and bypassed the solitary Tigers’ D-man with a centring pass to Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard, steaming in at the back door. Alas the coach was unable to fire home a one timer snap shot as the puck was bouncing and had to be brought under control. The chance went, went a begging, went out the window and went by the board all at once.

It didn’t take long for the Tigers to draw level. On 23 minutes Marcus Maynard fed Dan Davies, who cut diagonally across the slot and found Rick Plant. Plant is no wallflower and planted the puck in the net off his backhand to leave the Bison D withering on the vine. They had allowed the Tigers acres of space with agricultural defending. 1-1.

The score was 1-1 and the shot count 18-18 for the first 2 periods. You couldn’t fit a Rizla fag paper between the teams. And for us mere mortals it was difficult to predict which team was going to step up to the plate and snatch it. Not difficult for Mystic Jo, however, armed with a brand new set of tarot cards. 3-2 she had said before the game and 3-2 it ended, but I am jumping ahead.

The first half of P3 was a cat and mouse affair with neither side enjoying a significant advantage. On 49 minutes, however, Bison went on the power play. Peter Szabo was called for high sticks. There was no need for the referee to get out the handcuffs, taser or pepper spray. Szabo went quietly to the penal institution. Could Bison capitalise? No they couldn’t and, even worse, they fell behind to that ignominious of all ignominious goals – a shortie. Unable to clear their defensive zone, the Bison D watched Jonathon Weaver set up an unmarked Dan Davies to snap in at the back door. Unmarked? How could this have happened with a man advantage? It was an “Oooh Betty!” moment for Bison. The goal was a punch on the nose for the Bison backers. Colour drained from faught faces, glasses drained to half empty, negative thoughts were thought, worried feelings were felt and brows became furrowed. A Bison win now seemed as unlikely to the naysayers as finding pie, mash and mushy peas on the menu at a Buckingham Palace banquet.  “We won’t win it now,” declared the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. But what does he know about hockey? Nevertheless at this juncture it was 1-2 Tigers. Did they think it was all over as in 1966? Maybe, but events which were to take place within a minute of the Tigers’ go ahead goal were to dispel the doubts of the negative and expose the naysayers, not to mention the gainsayers, as nothing other than a bunch of faithless curmudgeonlies, wallowing in a quagmire of despair, despondency and depression, misery, melancholy and morosity.

After concession of the short handed goal Bison were at least still on the power play. However, they could not take advantage before Szabo was released from his house of correction, doubtless a reformed character. But 9 seconds later Bison were level. Karpov working hard on the boards slipped a pass to Greener. Cuddly Joe’s speculative lobbed shot was covered by Murdy until Bison’s captain for the night, Lumberjack Joe Rand, got his twig in the way and deflected the puck past the hapless netman. 2-2.

Seconds later the hero was the goaltender at the other end as Max Birbraer broke clear and bore down on goal. His shot was saved by “Deano” Skinns and 2-2 it remained.

Shortly after, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino was impeded and fell to the ice. “HOLDING” protested the Bespectacled Youth. “TRIPPING,” cried the Man of Steel. “INTERFERENCE,” shouted the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt. But referee Cloutman thought it was none of these nor indeed cross checking, spearing, butt ending, attempted butt ending, clipping, charging, common assault, grievous bodily harm nor even attempted murder and gave nothing.

The period ended with a bizarre incident. During a scrimmage in the corner Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba was pushed to the ice from behind and fell on top of the puck. A Tigers’ player (I am not sure who that was) attempted to knock the prostrate D-man off the puck with his stick, but but only succeeded in “pushing him round like a hoover”, as the Man with 3 Ear Rings commented. Miro could have been called for delay of game, but thankfully wasn’t. It was difficult to see what he could have done, flat on his face, unable to get up and being slid around on the end of stick. However, stranger calls have been made, as was seen last week with the appalling (so I am told) refereeing of Ms. Cuglietta, who wore the armbands in the Bison v Cats game. This week we saw a far higher standard of officiating from Dave Cloutman. So much so that the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt was even moved to shout of “We love you, Clouts” at one stage. I am not sure that the Howling Man, Mr. Cloutman’s greatest critic, would have shared this opinion.

Regulation time ended and the game went into overtime. There were no goals, which meant that it would be a penalty shootout to decide the outcome. Rand scored first for Bison with a 5-hole shot. Szabo levelled it with a top shelfer. Long Ciaron Long, scorer of some bamboozling penalty shot goals in the past, fluffed it this time, as did Tigers’ captain Jason Silverthorn with a poor attempt that was easily butterfly saved by Skinns. Karpov made it 2-1 with a rifling shot past Murdy and it now all depended on Scott McKenzie and Dean Skinns. In came the luxuriantly beared McKenzie and fired towards the top corner. Deano raised his catcher. I am not sure whether Deano saved it or it went high. But the end result was the same - it was no goal and 2 points for Bison. In June 1917 the simultaneous detonation of 19 mines planted in tunnels below the Messines Ridge caused a man made shock wave that was felt in London 130 miles away. The celebration of the Bison backers was on a similar scale. And why not? Bison had bagged a hard fought win against the table toppers. Men of the match were Karpov for Bison and Bison old boy, alumnus if you prefer a high-falluting word, Sammy Zajac for the Tigers.

40 Shot Bison Receive No Reward

Bison 2 Guildford Flames 3

21/12/14

Who was it who said, “There are lies, damned lies and statistics?” Was it Mark Twain, Benjamin Disraeli or Henry Du Pré Labouchère? (Who?) I’ll leave you to debate that one, if you wish, and all I will say is that whoever it was, he or indeed she would have loved to have been present at Planet Ice last night to prove the theory beyond a shadow of doubt. Looking at the shots on goal for the game Bison managed 40 and the Flames only 14, but it was the Flames who won the game. Did Bison deserve to win? Well probably not because many of their shots were long range efforts straight into the chest of goaltender James Hadfield, the sort of shot that most goaltenders worth their salt will gobble up until the cows come home. In contrast the Flames used their chances well and killed off the Bison challenge with 3 really well taken goals and a resolute defensive display which reduced Bison to the blue line blasters. Had there been present a party of peripatetic pagans from Popocatepetl, they might have wanted to make a human sacrifice on behalf of Bison to the hockey gods for good fortune. Would that have made a difference? Who knows? The pagans from Popocatepetl were absent.

It took the Flames only a minute and a half to find a way past Dean “Deano” Skinns in the Bison net. It was a neat move on the break. Matt Towe sent David Longstaff away along the right wing. Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard raced across to block Longstaff’s path to goal, which he succeed in doing. Alas for Coach Sheppard the Bison D had gone to pot, gone to pieces, gone missing, gone belly up, gone west, gone south, gone out to lunch, gone kerflooey and gone with the wind all at once. (Yes kerflooey is a real word). Longstaff used his long staff to fire the puck into the path of Roman Tvrdon, skating in to support his visor less captain, and his snap shot bulged the net. 0-1 Flames.

On 5 minutes in an all-Slovakian encounter Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba executed one of his characteristic hip checks on Vladimir Kutny. The Flame, however, did not fall over or cede possession of the puck. Marvellous Miro’s check then turned into interference as appeared to be giving Kutny a piggy back. The referee clearly thought that Miro required a period of silent contemplation to reflect upon the gravity of his misdemeanour and hopefully embark on a path to redemption. Into the penalty box he went. Bison successfully defended the power play, allowing only a single shot on goal in the ensuing 2 minutes. However, just as the door of the box swung open and Miro stepped back onto the ice to restore the contest to an even handed one, Jez Lundin snapped home from close in front of the net and it was 0-2 Flames. A solitary second separated the end of the penalty and the goal. Marcus Kristoffersson and Coach Paul Dixon were awarded assists. Had Che Guevara been present and been a Flames fan, he would have hurled his beret into the air, lit up his Cuban cigar and shouted “Viva la revolución”. Had Fidel Castro been present and been a Bison fan, he would have snapped his cigar in half and thrown it to the floor. But, in common with the pagans from Popocatepetl, neither of these hirsute revolutionaries were present.

Shortly after Grant “Barbie Girl” Rounding collapsed to the ice and remained there. It seemed like an age before referee Boardman blew his whistle, must to the fury of the crowd. In particular the Howling Man exploded into a characteristic tirade of disagreement. His “considered opinion”, as he calls it, was delivered at full volume. When Rounding left the ice he did not look in good shape and played no further part in the game. It looked like a nasty leg injury.

The clock ticked down and it looked as if the Flames were going to move into the first interval with their 2 goal lead intact. However, with only 8 seconds remaining the hockey gods gave Bison a bit of luck to reduce the arrears to 1-2. Long Ciaron Long raised his stick to send in a slap shot. Hadfield braced himself for the shot, but, much to his chagrin, it didn’t go where he thought it might. Long Ciaron’s shot was muffed and instead of flying towards Hadfield, it flew to Cuddly Joe Greener unmarked at the back door. He fired home, leaving Hafield looking as shocked as if he’d caught a protruding part of his anatomy in Granny’s mangle. Big toe was what I had in mind. Not sure what you were thinking of.

It had been a fairly even 1^st period. The 2^nd was not. Bison managed to outshoot the Flames by 18-5, but it was the Flames who returned to the locker room at the end of P2 with another goal and Bison with empty hands. That goal came in the 32 minute. The hockey gods had clearly shifted their allegiance to the men from the library by now. The play leading to the goal began when Long Ciaron cracked a superb shot off the underside of the bar. No Bison player was on hand to sweep in the rebound and the puck was fed to David Longstaff by Matt Towe via Vladimir Tvrdon. Longstaff, skating in from the left wing this time had Declan Balmer to beat. Mystic Jo assures me that ghosts are able to pass through solid objects, such as walls. Longstaff is no ghost, but he didn’t need to be as he slipped through Balmer as if he wasn’t there and beat Skinns with a low angled wrist shot. 1-3 Flames. The Bison backers were suffering pain as surely as if their feet had been run over by a Saturn V transporter (the largest wheeled vehicle ever built – I’ve told you that before).

There were no further goals in the period, but I cannot progress to a description of events in P3 without lauding the bravery of Bison netman Dean “Deano” Skinns. On two occasions he was hit on the mask and I’m not talking about glancing blows, I’m taking about full blooded, square on pile drivers to the bonce. On both occasions he stayed down on the ice for some time, much to the horror of Speedway Girl, holder of membership card 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society (I’ve told you that before). Eventually he was able to continue and continue he did. He always does. However, it has to be said he didn’t look right for the rest of the game and maybe he should have been pulled for his own sake. Hockey goaltenders may be all mad, but they are also made of stern stuff and are possibly even brave to the point of stupidity. It will continue to be a massively controversial debate as to whether a sportsman, who suffers a blow to the head, should be automatically withdrawn from the game. Can’t see that working in boxing, though.

Bison continued the onslaught of P2 in P3. They bombarded Hadfield with 15 shots, while the Flames managed only 3 in reply. However, it was with only 8 seconds left that they finally managed to reduce it to a one goal game with Deano pulled from the net for a final hurrah 6 on 5, as I shall relate. Before I do so, however, I feel an obligation to appraise you of the details of a less than savoury confrontation between Danny Meyers (as opposed to Mike Myers who is someone completely different) and Cuddly Joe Greener (as opposed to Hughie Green who is also someone completely different), the former taking umbrage at the physicality of the latter.  The two opponents came together in an angry manner. Was it going to be akin to the famous 1810 All England title fight between Tom Cribb and Tom Molyneux  – 33 rounds of savage bare knuckle pounding, blood, guts and sinews? Well no. There were no bare knuckles, no pounding, no blood, guts or even sinews, just verbals and the confrontation subsided without further ado. Would Mike Myers and Hughie Green have behaved in the same way? Who can tell?

Back to the goal. Don’t ask me to describe it. Notwithstanding that I run the risk of surrendering my apparent air of neutrality as a reporter, I have to admit, dear reader, that by then I was sinking into a morass of despair, defeatism and depression and I wasn’t concentrating. All I can tell you is that it was a messy goal scored by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov assisted by Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Long Ciaron Long. 2-3 Flames.

Only 8 seconds remained, alas not long enough for Bison to pull off the miracle comeback. The shot count for the 2^nd and 3^rd periods combined was 33-8 in Bison’s favour, but Hadfield had managed to gobble up 32 of those shots and it was he who carried off the Flames’ Top Banana award. His Bison counterpart was Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, who once again and for the umpteenth time had a superb game on the Bison blue line and, had he not been playing, the Flames’ shot count for the match would have been a lot higher than 14 and, belying the statistics, it could have been a runaway victory for the well drilled librarians. 

Auzins shows both his class and lack of it

Bison 2 Peterborough Phantoms 4

6/12/14

Remember the last occasion Janis Auzins, the Phantoms’ goaltender, visited Planet Ice? He displayed so many mental defects that he would have sent Freud mad trying to analyse him. He ended up getting a match penalty for charging out of his crease, standing over a prostrate Grant Rounding and assaulting him with his catcher and blocker and then going meekly back to his crease as if nothing had happened. Well last night he kept his head and, with a rock solid display, effectively won the game for the Phantoms. Alas he let down himself, his coach, his team mates and the small band of Phantoms faithful, who had made the long trip, with an inflammatory gesture towards the Bison crowd when receiving his man of the match award. More about that later.

Before last night Bison seemed to have the Indian sign over the Phantoms this season with 3 wins out of 3 including a 5-2 road win on ghostly ice last Sunday. Could their good form continue or were the Phantoms to exact revenge against Bison? Well it proved to be the latter.

All looked rosy in the Bison garden as P1 opened. James Hutchinson found himself in the greenhouse for raising his stick as high as a hoe after 56 seconds. Bison looked fresh as a daisy and weren’t going to let the grass grow under their feet or sit on the fence. They well and truly grasped the nettle and within 5 seconds it was 1-0 Bison. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba slewed a pass to Long Ciaron Long in the slot. Had goaltender Auzins possessed the physical attributes of Charlie Dimmock, he could have blocked the goal completely, but he didn’t and he couldn’t. Long Ciaron’s slap shot was planted in the net via a tip from the stick of Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard. The spirits of the Phantoms faithfully fell like autumn leaves. Everything was coming up roses for Bison, but were we leading ourselves up the garden path?

Play continued in a competitive and robust manner. The epitome of this robustness was a massive legal hit by Lumberjack Joe Rand on the hapless Edgars Bebris. So titanic was the check that the latter’s helmet was sent flying from his head. However, things became a little too robust for referee Matthews on 7 minutes and he called Rick “The Beard” Skene for slashing. Just over a minute later there occurred an incident of great controversy. Michael “Muzzy” Wales was called for tripping goaltender Auzins. From where I sat it could have been a trip, but the Gooner, sitting behind the goal, at a different angle and much closer to the incident, said that there was no contact. He was convinced that Auzins had executed a spectacular Premiership footballer style dive, making a 3 course meal of it, and conning Ref Matthews. Many other Bison backers thought the same, as shouts of “Oh what a dive!” rent the air. One dissenter was unsurprisingly the Howling Man, who gave vent to his considered opinion at a sonic boom level of noise. Into the box went Muzzy. The Phantoms capitalised with 10 seconds of the 5 on 3 remaining. Set up by Tom Norton, Deadly Darius Pliskauskas, a perennial thorn in the side of Bison (OK no more gardening references) fired in a slap shot from the slot past a screened Skinns in the Bison net. 1-1. The goal caused the spirits of the Bison backers to become as flat as if they’d been trampled on by a gang of bovver boys wearing size 15 Doc Martens. There were those who thought that Mr. Matthews should have been awarded an assist.

On 11 minutes it was 2-1 Phantoms. Edgars Apelis’s shot hit the post. Skinns lost sight of the puck and appeared to think he had covered it as he was down on his haunches and not moving. But the puck was still loose and Alan Lack slid it over the line. Red light on. Goal awarded. The mood amongst the Bison backers became as flat as a rolled lawn (oh sorry I said no more gardening references, didn't I?).

The period ended with no further goals and only a single penalty when Hutchinson was called for delay of game for lofting the puck over the glass as if Rory McIlroy taking a tee shot. It is with great pleasure that I report that no-one was injured by the flying projectile.

Shots on goal had been about even and P2 was played out in the same manner. However, it was the Phantoms who were to take advantage of their opportunities and rack up a 4-2 advantage by the end of the period, causing the Bison backers to become not only downcast, downbeat and downheated, but also down in the dumps, down in the mouth and down at heel.

On 33 minutes it was 3-1. Poor defending allowed James Ferrara a run on goal. He deked and shot, but Skinns saved. Alas the puck was loose and Tom Norton slid it over the line just as the net was coming off it moorings. “After he event,” said the referee and declared it a good goal. Milan Baranyk picked up the second assist.

Bison had to get back in the game quickly as the Phantoms were threatening to run away with proceedings. Thus they did with their own 5 on 3 power play goal on 36 minutes. The first Phantoms penalty was called for boarding by Cameron McGiffin on Grant Rounding. It was a nasty check which floored Rounding for a minute or two before he left the ice in obvious discomfort. “Head check!” declared the Howling Man, who started up yet another tirade which saw his bald patch turning from pink to dark cerise in colour. Was his head going to explode? Thankfully not. 1:18 into the 5 on 4 and Baranyk was called for tripping. Had Yoda been the ref he would have said “Saw that I did. Your opponent you tripped. To the penalty box go you must.” However, he wasn’t, although Mr. Matthews may well have said these words nevertheless (unlikely).

Bison now had 42 seconds of a 5 on 3 and they capitalised with only 10 seconds remaining. A Slovak/Czech combination flourished as Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba slewed a pass from the point to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in the slot. Karps fired a slap shot past a screened Auzins and it was 2-3. Lumberjack Joe Rand, who would later be elected Bison’s top banana, picked up the second assist.

Alas for Bison the revival was short lived and Mr. Matthews, in some people’s opinion, was to pick up his second assist. Luke Ferrara and Miroslav Vantroba collided in mid ice and fell over. “You tripped him,” said Mr. Matthews to Marvellous Miro. Not only I, but also the Howling Man, who again became somewhat more than mildly irritated, and 1,000 other spectators couldn’t see that in a month of Sundays, but off to the box went a frustrated Miro.

A minute later (on 38 minutes) the Phantoms scored with a smart move terminated by an unmarked James Ferrara snapping the puck in at the back door. 4-2 Phantoms. Assists to Norton and Baranyk. The goal caused the glass half empty naysayers amongst the Bison backers to start a-moanin’ and a-groanin’ and cast “I told you so” glances at fellow glass half empty naysayers.

Could Bison come back from a 2 goal deficit in P3? As the period wore on this looked increasingly unlikely as stout defence from the Phantoms forced most of Bison’s shooting to come from long range and, in the absence of deflections and/or a screen of players in front of him, Auzins was going to gobble up these sorts of shots all night. The Bison players and backers were becoming as frustrated as a man with a punctured inflatable doll and no puncture repair kit (let’s not go there). Eventually the frustration boiled over with 3 minutes remaining as an unseemly altercation, most violent in character, broke out behind the Phantoms net, principally involving Marvellous Miro and Mason Webster. Both were given 2 + 2 roughing penalties, but Miro copped a match penalty in addition for throwing off the linesman’s hand not once but twice on his way to the box. Why the lino thought it necessary to lay his hand on Miro is a mystery, as he was skating towards the penal institution quite ….. well not happily, but certainly directly and in a manner displaying sufficient rapidity. However, you can’t do what the follically challenged Slovak blueliner did and he may also have given vent to his considered opinion in the style of the Howling Man to make matters even worse. Further punishment was inevitable. The bald patch on Howling Man’s head went from dark cerise to purple as he enunciated his thoughts on the matter. Miro’s bald head may have been a similar colour, reflecting his state of mind, namely incandescent with rage, but this must remain a matter of speculation.

So ended the game, but not the controversy. On being announced as the Phantoms’ top banana, Janis Auzins skated up to receive his beers and then turned round to face the Bison crowd with arms aloft. It was an inflammatory gesture and the sort of gloating incitement which hockey, and indeed every sport, can do without. The Phantoms team were applauded in the usual sporting way by the Bison crowd as they skated past, but not Auzins. The boos rang out for him. Whether that was right or wrong is a matter for debate, but Mr. Auzins would be well advised to consider his behaviour next time he is a guest at another team’s rink.