Bison Win Cats’ Dog Fight

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 2 (shoot out)

10/11/18

It was a night of dramatic shootouts in the NIHL South. Bison shot down the Swindon Wildcats after a close exciting game, while the Bracknell Bees slumped to a penalties defeat at home to the Streatham Redhawks. Might the dastardly turncoats who deserted Bison to follow the Bees now think they jumped ship a trifle prematurely, as they wallow in their steaming cesspool of unspeakable treachery? Far be it from me to express an opinion. Anyway enough of that let’s get on to the excitement of the night, as Bison proved to those doubting deserting quislings that there is life after death.

Bison snatched a go ahead goal on 5:21 with a 5 on 3 power play goal. On 5:01 Tyler Plews, possibly named after Wat Tyler (who? See footnote 1), was dumfounded by the smart movement of Michal Klejna and sent him sprawling prostrate to the ice in a most ignominious fashion. 10 years on Devil’s Island would have been an appropriate punishment for Plews, but no only a 2 minute minor was the punishment. The Cats set about defending their goal in the ensuing 5 on 4 and were doing quite well until player/coach Aaron Nell perpetrated another trip. Surely a hanging offence this time? But no another 2 minute minor, which reduced the Cats to 3. They had 1:32 to keep the homesters out. Things were going well until with 5 seconds of the 5 on 3 remaining things went very badly. Adam Jones, not to be confused with Chris Jones or Sam Jones, who were playing for the Cats (common name it would appear), set up Alex Sampford for the shot. Renny Marr, not to be confused with Jordan Marr who plays for the Phantoms of course, made the save. But the puck spilled to the ice as loose as a goose. Back in 1984 Bonnie Tyler (no relation to Wat Tyler) told us she was holding out for a hero or was it a heron? One of the two. Well she told us that that hero or heron had to be strong, he had to be fast and he had to be fresh from the fight. Well the Bison hero (no herons were icing) in front of goal was Dangling Dick Bordowski. He satisfied two of Bonnie Tyler’s requirements – he was strong and fast but failed on the third as he hadn’t had a fight. No matter. He hammered the puck past Marr and it was 1-0 Bison.

The period played out with no further scoring. It had been quite an even contest and all to play for as we entered P2.  Bison’s advantage doubled after only 56 seconds of the reopening of proceedings. And this was a comedy goal, at least from the Cats perspective. As Bordowski crossed the puck from the left, Marr and star D-man Stevie Whitfield, his long locks flowing from the back of his helmet, giving him a girl-esque appearance, got in a chunderous mess with Whitfield falling onto and then lying on top of Marr and, thus pinned to the ice Marr was emasculated as an effective shot stopper. It was a moment of farcical clumsiness which Frank Spencer and Norman Wisdom would have had difficulty improving on. At the back door was Doc Cowley to dish out the medicine as he drove the puck into an unguarded net. 2-0 Bison. (Frank who? Norman who? See footnote 2). Incidentally at one stage I’m sure I hear a shout of “Get your hair cut,” directed at Mr. Whitfield – a throw back comment to the days of the 60s. Anyone else hear that?

But the Cats were not dead and buried. Indeed no. Cancel the undertakers. They (the Cats that is not the undertakers – see footnote 3) came back with a power play goal on 27:47. The 5 on 4 was occasioned by Sam Smith perpetrating a high stick offense. As he sat watching the proceedings from his hard bench he must have been horrified to see Bison get into a defensive pickle 1:24 later. They failed to control and clear the puck, allowing the Cats to pull off an impressive piece of Ooo Matron tic-tac-toe hockey which found Nell as ignored as a flasher on a naturist beach. He hammered the puck into the net. 2-1. Luc Johnson and Max Birbraer were declared as his assistants.

 

P2 finished and so far it had been a very even contest with 18 shots on goal apiece. Was P3 going to prove the decisive period? Well no not exactly. The Cats came back to equalise to force the game into overtime and we were treated to some more comedy moments. The first occurred early in the period with Birbraer falling over backwards and landing rear end first on the ice with arms and legs flailing in the air by a dead fly. “Give him a penguin,” someone shouted, but none were available.

OK it might have been a bit cruel to mock a professional hockey player as he makes himself look like a complete plonker, but yes we laughed. Couldn’t help it. Later the same Birbraer experienced another issue of inability to balance. Alas I was looking elsewhere at the time and missed this moment of great slapstick comedy, so I have had to rely on the Man with 3 Ear Rings for his account of the incident. Many thanks to him. Apparently the aforementioned Birbraer moved toward the Bison bench in a menacing fashion and delivering his considered opinion, laced with expletives, so one account would have it, concerning an accidental collision in the crease between Cowley and Marr, which had just occurred. He should have given his action some forethought. He clearly hadn’t bargained on coming up against Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, that well known pugilist of great renown. The latter pushed the former, who staggered backwards in a comical fashion, which, had it been executed in a film, would have won an Oscar.

And so two moments of great comedic value. Thanks Mr. Birbraer. In between times there was an equalising score for the Cats but not before Coach Nell had hammered the puck off the bar. The equalising score came on 54:37 with Sam Bullas whipping in a wrist shot. Nell and the comedic Birbraer were declared assistants to the scorer. 2-2.

The game lurched towards overtime with many a heart in many a mouth. Nell was unlucky again ringing one of the post late on. He must have thought there was a magnet in the puck. And then the Cats’ faithful thought they had scored as the net rippled, but went behind. As one they jumped from their seats, arms aloft with vociferous vocalisations vocalised vociferously. But no goal light came on and no flat netwardsly pointing Ref Matthews hand appeared. When they saw play continuing it must have been a bitter pill for them to swallow or at least it would have been had there been any available. No goal.

Finally regulation time ended and into overtime we went. There were no goals and so it was a nerve jangling, gut wrenching, edge of seat sitting, finger nail biting penalty shoot out to decide the game. Jan Kostal was first up. He shot and Alex “Mittens” Mettam saved. Then Michal Klejna whipped in a wrist shot to mar Marr’s evening. Pure comedy then followed with Chris Jones failing to even get a shot off as he fluffed it after an elaborate deke and the puck dribbled past the net unshot. Cowley missed. And so now it was all up to Coach Nell. He had rung the pipes twice already. Surely he couldn’t do it for a 3^rd time? Well yes he could and did. Bison win!

Top banana for the Cats was Marr. I might have elected Birbraer for 2 assists and 2 wonderful moments of huge comedic value. Klejna was top Bison. I might have been inclined to chose Mettam, who had another stellar evening. How anybody could have doubted this chap I don’t know.

Footnote 1 : Wat Tyler and Jack Straw were the leaders of the 1381 Peasants’ Revolt. Tyler marched a group of rebels from Canterbury to the capital to oppose the institution of a poll tax and demand economic and social reforms. During negotiations with King Richard himself at Smithfield a scuffle broke out and Tyler was wounded and taken to a hospital. He was later found, dragged back to Smithfield and decapitated. Blimey! That was a bit harsh. They don’t treat trade unionists like that these days.

Footnote 2 : For the benefit of readers under 50. Frank Spencer was of course the accident prone character played by in “Some mothers do ‘ave em”. Norman Wisdom was a British comic actor, most famous in the 50s and 60s, specialising in a hapless accident prone character.

 

Footnote 3 : The Undertakers were a “beat group” of the 60s, who enjoyed moderate success. They dressed as undertakers in black suits and top hats, but the publicity picture below suggests they were jolly people really.

Tait’s Clapper Seals the Redhawks’ Fate

Bison 4 Steatham Redhawks 3 (OT)

3/11/18

This was a cracking encounter, between two very evenly matched teams, swinging one way, then the other, then back again with the game being decided by an overtime clapper from Coach Ashley Tait. As I have told you about the game in one sentence, there is no need for you to read any further. However, should you wish to avail yourself of the details of the proceedings, feel free to read on.

On 7:46 Bison snatched a go ahead goal. The puck flew high into the air after a clash of sticks. Unsurprisingly it began to fall to earth, just as Sir Isaac Newton would have predicted. Doc Russ Cowley caught it, dropped it and kicked it into the path of Dangling Dick Bordowski. The Czech chap took off up the right wing. He hammered forward with electric pace, the arena lights glinting off his skate blades like the Sun’s rays off the chrome bumper of a ’57 Chevy (see below). In the meantime, Doc Cowley had not behaved as a laggardly sluggard. No indeed no couch potato was he as he also hammered forward and was there on the doorstep to receive the from the wing pass. Lumber hit rubber and the puck flew past a despairing Damien King in the Redhawks’ net. 1-0 Bison.

On 14:03 Danny Ingoldsby crossly checked someone and was called for a cross check. In the ensuing 5 on 4 the Redhawks worked the puck well to set up a chance for Scott Bailey. He looked certain to score until Adam Jones pulled off an Ooo Mr. Rigsby stick lift to deny him the chance. And seconds later a disaster on the scale of the eruptions of Vesuvius and Krakatoa combined occurred. The Redhawks conceded a short handed goal. It’s easy for me to say, but I’m sure every coach would agree, you should never concede a short handed goal. It’s almost as bad as conceding an even handed goal to a team of one armed men.

Rupert Quiney was in possession mid ice. He hesitatingly hummed and hared, hemmed and hawed until it was too late. Dangling Dick Bordowski pounced like a hungry praying mantis attacking a stick insect. The Czech chap pilfered the puck and as a result of the ignominious happenstance of dispossession Quiney found himself devoid of twig and, therefore, emasculated as an effective D-man, but, thankfully for him, not in any other meaning of the word. Dangling Dick’s dispelled dalliance, dithering and dilly-dallying. His determined direct dash dumbfounded the desperately defeated D. It was an odd man rush of 2 on 1 with Doc Cowley in support. The latter was not required as the Czech chap rifled the puck into the top corner. Had the net not been there the puck would have flown all the way to the Czech Republic. 2-0 Bison and cruising. What could possibly go wrong? Well actually everything. Read on, dear reader, notwithstanding that the following paragraphs may be painful to read, should you be of Bison orientation.

P1 ended. It had been a very even period, but it was the homesters who had got the goals. Could the men from the Smoke step up a gear in P2? Yes they could and put in a fantastic performance, outshooting Bison by 14-8 and bagging 3 goals without reply. The first came on 22:15 with an odd man rush. Scott Bailey fired across to the back door where Tom Beesley beat a sliding Alex “Mittens” Mettam. 2-1. Oh dear.

On 26:51 Adam Jones went down the steps for tripping and then on 28:21 Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph had his collar felt for cross checking. With only 5 seconds of the resultant 5 on 3 remaining it was all square as Alex Roberts’s shot was saved by Mettam only for Leigh Jamieson to fire the rebound into an open net. 2-2. Ooo Betty.

On 33:01 the  visitors grabbed a 3^rd goal to turn the game completely on its head. This time it was Adam Wood who smacked in a deflected shot from Jamieson. 2-3 Redhawks. Oh bloody.

I am sorry you had to read the last 3 paragraphs, dear Bison reader. I feel your pain. But let your spirits be uplifted. Going forward there is nothing bad to report, unless you feel that a declaration that P2 ended is something that may have you racing for the Prozac. P2 ended.

So it was all to play for. Could the Redhawks snatch a 4^th goal to kill off the comeback hopes of Bison? Well no they couldn’t. The pendulum of play swung completely the other way with Bison outshooting the Redhawks by 13-7 and finally snatching the levelling score on 43:39. But I jump ahead. Let us return to 42:04. Leigh Jamieson, tussled with Michal Klejna on the boards. An unsavoury embroilment of the most unseemly variety ensued and the former was called for roughing on the latter. Then on 43:09 James Warman executed an extraordinary pirouette/puck scoop and the biscuit flew high into the air and over the glass. Initially it looked as if nothing had been called, but eventually Ref Hewitt said to the hapless Warman “You’re going up the river for that, me old china. You’ve delayed my game.” Down the steps into the can and behind the metaphorical bars went the unfortunate fellow. 5 on 3 to Bison then. Could they make it pay? Yes they could, but alas not with a humdinger to write home about, but rather a scrappy effort which you wouldn’t want to write about at all. You wouldn’t, but I will. Jones was set up by Coach Tait for the shot from the hash marks. Alas his slap shot was an inadvertent aberration. Instead of flying into the net as the Bison backers were hoping, it moved gastropodally (OK that’s not a real word but is derived from the word gastropod and means sluggishly in case you’re wondering) along the ice to George “Gordon” Norcliffe, who deflected it, but failed to add any pace to the biscuit, which then moved in a loiteringly lethargic, leisurely and lackadaisical manner across the goal line, causing goaltender King to curse his luck that he hadn’t been able to stop a trickler. Had Carmen Miranda been present and a Bison fan she would have thrown her hat into the air, almost certainly with most disagreeable consequences. 3-3

P3 ended and we had 3 on 3 overtime to look forward to. That session began and 1:26 in disaster struck Bison. Referee Hewitt held up 4 fingers and 2 thumbs indicating too many men on the ice, whereas, more accurately he should have held up 4 fingers and never mind the thumbs as there should have been only 3 men on, but with the extra man there were 4. Perhaps he couldn’t count. Let’s not split hairs. Bench penalty to Bison. “We’ve had it now,” was the expert opinion offered by the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt, but what does he know? Very little I’m told. Bison hadn’t had it at all. They defended stoutly with Mettam making a couple of monumental stops in quick succession to save the homesters bacon. The penalty clock ticked down to zero and Sam Smith, who had taken the punishment for the penalty was suddenly paroled and, springing from his gloomy dungeon, joined the action. 13 seconds later it was the Redhawks who had had their chips, as a cracker of a clapper from Coach Tait saw them slump to an ignominious oblivion.

Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph fed the puck out of defense to Michal Klejna, who in turn fired forwards to Coach Tait. The latter advanced over the blue line. “That’s far enough,” thought the coach. “I think I’ll have a slap from here.” He raised his stick high into the air and brought it down in a long sweeping arc. The stick hit the ice just behind the puck, bent and restraightened (I could clearly see that from Block C Row F of course), sending the aforementioned biscuit rocketing past King’s head almost knocking off his crown and into the net, which bulged as a consequence. As the puck fell to the ice in accordance with Newton’s theory of gravity, the goal light blazed forth and it was game over.

Top Bananas were elected. Leigh Jamieson was considered to have been the most outstanding Redhawk and Coach Tait received the Bison accolade.

Bison Bag the Points but Dynamos Grab the Plaudits

Bison 5 Invicta Dynamos 3

27/10/18

According to Leonard Cohen, there are heroes in the seaweed and Suzanne would show you where to look amongst the garbage and the flowers (Eh? See footnote 1). Well there were heroes at Planet Ice last night also. Bison may have bagged the points, but the short benched Mos (only 12 skaters), coming off the back of a 13-1 annihilation last time out, put in a spirited performance and, despite being outshot by 45-22, came away with a very respectable defeat.

P1 opened and goal no.1 of the evening arrived on 9:52 and it was the result of an odd man rush. An odd what? In case, dear reader, you are unfamiliar with hockey parlance an odd man rush is where the attacking forwards outnumber the D-men of the opposition – in this case 3-2. It is not a surge forward by a peculiar, idiosyncratic individual. I wonder if you have odd woman rushes in ladies hockey. This is all by the by. Let’s us return to the action. The surge forward was executed by the trio of Danny Ingoldsby, Hallum Wilson and George Norcliffe. The former hammered forward and passed inside to the middle named. He fired in a shot which netman Connor Morris saved. Back in 1984 Bananarama told us that Robert de Niro was waiting …. and speaking Italian – a fine example of male multi tasking I’m sure you will agree. As the puck ricocheted off the pad of Morris someone was waiting at the back door. Was it Robert de Niro? No it was the latter named, namely Gordon Norcliffe, not speaking Italian but instead smashing the puck into an empty net. 1-0 Bison. The sole confederate was announced as Ingoldsby with the emphasis on the middle syllable thus InGOLDsby as opposed to INgoldsby, which I always thought it was. Never mind. Strangely enough no assist to Wilson. Why? Who can tell?

On 16:35 it was 2-0 as a result of an Ooo Betty moment for the hapless Morris, who otherwise didn’t put a foot, skate, blocker or catcher wrong all evening. Set up by a combination of Alex Sampford and Hallum Wilson, Danny Ingoldsby (sorry I meant InGOLDsby) cut in towards goal from the left wing. The puck left his stick. Suddenly it was over the line, the red light had come on and Referee Evans’s hand had become flat and pointy in a netwards direction. Close observers confirmed to me that it had hit Morris’s back and gone in. How chunderous for the poor fellow. 2-0 Bison. By the way if you want to know the origin of the word chunder see footnote 2.

P1 ended with Bison in the driving seat, having outshot the Mos by 16-8. But the Kentish visitors had no intention of rolling over and having their tummies tickled. Indeed no. They surged back into contention with a goal on 1:38 of the 2^nd. It was a scrappy affair with a Chuckle Brothers “to me to you to me” air about it with Brandon Miles eventually forcing it over the line past Alex “Mittens” Mettam, who made two saves but not a third. Louis Colvin and Matt Foord, who always seems to have one too many Os in his name for my liking, were declared assistants. 2-1.

Bison continued to dominate play, but could not find a way of breaching the Morris pipes for a P2 goal. It was looking like it was going to be the hop pickers’ period. That is until the last minute when a goal threatened to cause a Morris family rift as Liam put one past brother Connor. Set up by Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph, Doc Russ Cowley fired one in. Morris the Younger saved the shot with his pad, but, much to his chagrin, the puck flew wide straight to Morris the Elder. The latter seemed to have all the time in the world as the Mos D was nowhere to be seen. Were they a bunch of Miss Muffetts, who on realising that a spider had sat down beside her, was frightened away? Probably not as I saw no curds, whey or arachnids. Morris the Younger attempted to block the goal. The Dynamos faithful would have preferred him to have possessed the physical attributes of Oliver Hardy over those of Stan Laurel. But he was something in between. In this case that something in between proved inadequate and the goal remained only partially blocked. Morris the Elder’s finish was cool and composed, calm and canny, considered and calculated, but at the same time cruel and crushing for his hapless sibling. It was an over the shoulder number into the top corner. No brotherly consideration had been shown. 3-1 Bison.

 

But the Mos were not down among the dead men yet and shortly after we moved into P3 they pegged it back once more. With Michal Klejna banged up for charging (oh no it wasn’t) Martins Susters, who sounds like an import but isn’t and who also sounds like multiple people with Ss on the end of both his names, but who is actually only one person, combined with Andrew Munro, who is definitely only one person, to set up Edmund (not Blackadder) Piačka, also one person. He fired in a splendid wrist shot. 3-2.

1:27 later Bison restored their 2 goal advantage. Danny InGOLDsby, still retaining the emphasis on the middle syllable of his name, passed from the right wing inside to Doc Cowley, who in turn passed to Wreck-it Ralph. The Mos D had once again been caught with their trousers down as Wreck-it Ralph rifled home and, in doing so, elicited a rumbustious show of approbation from the Bison backers. In fact, the Bison goal celebration was gigantic and titanic, stupendous and tumultuous, enormous and voluminous. Hats were thrown into the air. 4-2 Bison.

A flurry of penalties was soon to feature. On 53:18 Chris Cooke hammered into Brandon Miles, who clearly regarded this as a trifle unsporting and attempted to duff the D-man up. However, the former had by then collapsed face down on the ice like a sack of potatoes and the latter could only stand over him and deliver a couple of half heated thumps into the back of the prostrate form beneath. That was enough for Referee Evans. “Oi you geezers”, he may have shouted. “Porridge for you. Are you going quietly or do I have to get Plod in?” They went quietly.

27seconds into the penalty Callum Best slashed the stick out of Coach Tait’s hands, sending the twig spinning to the ice, but his action wasn’t enough to halt the forward momentum of the Bison attack. Delayed penalty call surely? But no. Mr Evans flew into a wild state of panic and blew his whistle. This premature action must surely have left the hapless official purple with embarrassment as if caught with spinach adhering to his front teeth at a job interview. With Best having his collar felt it was 4 on 3. A re-equipped Coach Tait combined with Klejna to set up Adam Jones for an Ooo Mr Rigsby wrist shot from just inside the blue line.

The puck hurtled past the hapless netman faster than Rosa “Zazel” Richter in full flight. (Who? She was the first human cannon ball in 1877 – I’ve told you that before). 5-2 Bison.

The game moved towards a conclusion, but all was not yet done. With 21 seconds remaining the Mos bagged another. Susters passed out from behind the goal line and the puck was snapped home. Back in the 1958 the Monotones sang “I wonder, wonder who, mmbadoo-ooh, who, who wrote the book of love”. When the Mos scored I was similarly left wondering, not about the book of love, but rather about the identity of the scorer. It turned out to be Piačka with a second assist going to Colvin. 5-3

Time out Mos. Goaltender pulled. 21 seconds of 6 on 5. Could they score twice in 21 seconds? Surely not. As it turned out, no fruit was borne, not even the pip of a fruit. The final buzzer sounded and the fat lady was singing. Top bananas were elected. Colvin with 2 assists grabbed the beers for the Mos and Danny InGOLDsby with a 1+2 evening received the Bison acclamation.

Footnote 1 : Leonard Cohen was a Canadian musician, songwriter and poet, who wrote and recorded a song called Suzanne in 1967. You don’t have to understand the meaning of the words to appreciate it as a work of poetical genius.

Footnote 2 : In multi-decked convict ships transporting the nation’s ne’er-do-wells to Australia in the 18^th and 19^th centuries anyone being sick over the side of the ship would shout a warning of “Watch out under!” in case there might be someone on a lower deck with his head poking out. In time the warning was shortened to “CHUNDER!”

5 Assists Bordowski Tantalises the Tigers

Bison 6 Telford Tigers 2

6/10/18

In 1861 one of Charles Dickens’s greatest novels was published. It was, of course, Great Expectations, chronicling the journey of Philip Pirrip from orphan to gentleman courtesy of a mysterious benefactor, who turned out not to be Abel Magwitch not Miss Havisham (oh sorry I’ve given the story away). Last night we flocked to Planet Ice with similar great expectations of seeing a tough and competitive hockey game. Well why wouldn’t we? The visitors were the mighty Telford Tigers, the last winners of the EPL and the reigning NIHL North play off champions bolstered by the arrival (finally) of Canadian colossus Doug Clarkson (not to be confused with Jeremy Clarkson who would be of no benefit to them). Alas by the end of the evening our great expectations remained unfulfilled as the now impecunious Tigers put in a performance more akin to great expectorations.

P1 opened and 20 minutes of play later our great expectations appeared to be well on the way to fulfilment. It had been a very even period and it ended 1-1. Bison went ahead on 10:44. It was a powerplay goal with Danny Rose banged up for tripping. Don’t confuse him with Danny Rose of Tottenham Hotspur, who, as surely as Jeremy and Doug Clarkson are different people, so are the two Danny Roses. Dangling Dick Bordowski set Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph on his way over the blue line. From a position on the boards Ralph arrowed a pass almost back to the blue line where Doc Russ Cowley was waiting. The Doc didn’t ditheringly dilly-dally or delay. He decisively drove a deadly wrist shot past an astonished Dennis Bell in the Tigers’ net. 1-0 Bison.

The dictionary describes a wrestling hold as “a method of seizing an opponent and keeping him in control”. That’s exactly what Referee Matthews saw Hallum Wilson doing on 15:38. The would be Mick McManus was ordered to the box. 25 seconds later Doc Cowley had his collar felt for slashing. It was a 5 on 3. The Tigers made it count when the lumbering Doug Clarkson showed that he may have lost his fitness (at least for the time being) but he hasn’t lost his shooting accuracy as he banged a shot past Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans in the Bison net. His solitary goal scoring collaborator was identified as Rick Plant.

P1 was played out to a conclusion. P2 was not what we were expecting. Bison stepped up a gear while the Tigers stepped down a gear and almost went into neutral. A pulsating period of purple plays produced a pair of plum efforts for the homesters as they outshot their fast fading opponents by 16 to 5 and surged into a 3-1 lead. The first of these two scores came on 28:19. It was a power play goal with Scott McKenzie in the slammer for slashing. By the way don’t confuse him with the other Scott McKenzie, who had a big hit in 1967 with “San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)”. His real name was not very showbiz. It was Philip Wallach Blondheim III and sadly he is no longer in the land of the living, so clearly he wasn’t the bloke in the box on 27:16. Set up by Adam Jones, Coach Tait shot from wide to the goaltender’s left. Netman Bell made what should have been an Ooo Matron save, but alas for him it was an Ooo Betty one as he kicked the shot straight to Michal Klejna at the back door and the Slovak sniper tapped in. 2-1 Bison.

Out of the box came McKenzie to bolster the Tigers’ contingent on the ice, but he might just as well have been the singing Scott McKenzie, who, one would presume, being deceased, possesses no hockey talent at all and possibly never did, as only 13 seconds later he and his team mates couldn’t prevent another Bison goal. Doc Cowley won a face off. The puck squirted like a jet of toothpaste from a tube to Dangling Dick Bordowski who didn’t delay as he dispelled dalliance and dilly-dallying in directing a pass to Jay King in the slot. Caught off balance (the Great Blondin wouldn’t have been. The Great who? See footnote), the gap toothed Caledonian squeezed off an unstoppable wrist shot whilst falling to the ice. The Tigers may just as well have had Ray Charles in the net as the hapless Bell never saw the shot. On came the red light and pop went the Champagne corks in Edinburgh. 3-1 Bison.

P2 ended and P3 opened. Could the Tigers turn the tables? Well no. As it turned out they couldn’t even lay the tables as Bison powered on to clinch the game with another 3 goals to the Tigers’ one, as you shall learn by reading further and refraining from going outside to water the hanging baskets, dear reader.

On 43:34 assisted by Jones and Bordowski, Alex Sampford somehow squeezed, not the pips out of a lemon, but the puck in from behind the net, possibly banking it in off the netman’s skate. Who knows? I don’t. But what I do know is that it was now 4-1. The bell was beginning to toll for Bell.

The Tigers were not dead and buried yet. Pressing forward, Bison lost the puck enabling Andy McKinney to spear one up the middle to an all alone Clarkson. He had outstripped the Bison D not by speed of movement but by standing beyond them, which was just as well as thenceforth his movement towards the Bison goal was slow, sluggish and akin to a slothful slugabed. The mode of advancement of the lumbering giant i.e. crawling forward amoebically mattered not a jot as he beat Dan “The Beast” through 5-hole. Who needs speed when you can finish like that? 4-2.

Could this be the start of a Tigers’ revival? Well no as it happened. On 50:59 Bison bagged another causing the Tigers’ chances of winning the game to take on a pallid, cadaverous and positively sepulchrally wraithlike look. Those chances became even more Dodo-esque when Bison grabbed a 6^th. But we jump ahead, so let me tell you about the 5^th. Elliott Dewey, wearer of a number which would never have been contemplated by Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird, namely no.13 (unlucky for some but not for him) sent Bordowski on his way. Almost pinned to the boards Dangling Dick’s dazzling deke and dangle dumfounded the dithering dummkopf D-men driving past and then saucering a pass to Sampford. This time Sampford’s method of getting the puck past Bell was much more obvious as he rifled a wrist shot high into the net. 5-2 Bison.

Bison were not done. As the game rolled towards a conclusion they bagged another to drop the aspirations of the Tigers into the untreated waste tank at a sewage treatment plant. Cowley to Bordowski, who drove a long pass into the slot to King from behind the goal. The Caledonian fired in his shot on goal. There seemed to be more people between King and the goal than the whole population of China. But there must have been a gap somewhere as the puck flew in past an unsighted Bell, who by now must have been red with embarrassment and purple with rage, if indeed it is possible to be both hues at the same time. On came the red light, out came the flat pointy hand of Ref Matthews, pop went even more Champagne corks in Edinburgh and out came the square sausages, haggis, neeps and tatties. 6-2 Bison and game over.

And so it befell those entrusted with electing Top Bananas, whoever they may have been, to discharge that very duty. Rick Plant was considered the best Tiger. Would Dangling Dick Bordowski cop the beers for his 5 assists? He may have on another night, but no. It was Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans who earned the accolade after an absolutely Ooo Matron performance in the Bison net stopping 34 out of 36 shots to earn a save percentage of 94.44%. Blistering Biriynais!

Footnote : Charles Blondin (that’s him below) was a French tightrope walker and acrobat. He was best known for crossing the Niagara Gorge on a tightrope 1,100 ft long in 1859 and then on numerous occasions thereafter.