Steeldogs Lack Steel

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 1

7/2/15

Remember Wet Wet Wet? Amongst their many hits was a song entitled “Sweet Surrender”. At Planet Ice last night there was a surrender of sorts, but more of a sour one than a sweet one, as the Dogs capitulated and slumped to an ignominious defeat. Had they been able to find a white flag, they would have hoisted it, but none could be found and the punishment went unabated. The Dogs lost the game on the back of ill discipline with 40 minutes of penalties and shooting so “couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo” that they mustered only 15 shots on target in the whole game. In contrast Bison managed 50 and the differential of 35 shots is the greatest margin in the EPL this season.

Ill discipline? Surely not the Dogs. Yes the Dogs. It took only 3 seconds for them to get a call for penalty no.1. The unsavoury Craig Elliott cross checked. Referee Thompson said “Go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect £200”. Elliott did not advance to Trafalgar Square, nor was he assessed for street repairs, nor did he collect £10 for second prize in a beauty contest, but did indeed go directly to jail. Just over a minute into the power play Bison landed on Mayfair. Fed by Long Ciaron Long, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino dropped a pass to Aaron “Billy” Connolly and the latter beat Dalibor Sedlar in the Dog’s net with an accurately placed wrist shot. 1-0 Bison. Despite the absences of both the Howling Man and the vuvuzela toting member of Trio Polskie, the goal was greeted with a deafening crescendo of noise.

On 4 minutes indiscipline cost the Dogs another goal. We witnessed a seemingly unprovoked assault by Callum Pattison on Michael “Muzzy” Wales. The former cross checked the latter from behind, sending the aforesaid latter sprawling to the ice and then assaulted him as he adopted a turtle-esque bodily shape. “Oi, matey,” said Mr. Thompson, “that’s bang out of order” and instantly slapped a 2 + 10 on Pattison. Just over a minute into the 5 on 4 Cuddly Joe Greener was set up by “Billy” Connolly to fire in a slap shot from the point. Sedlar saved the effort, but failed to engulf the puck. Lumberjack Joe Rand managed to force the rebound over the line. On came the red light (not Roxanne’s) and there was the referee’s flat hand pointing netwards for all to see. The shining beacon of light with the referee’s gesture confirmed it was 2-0 Bison. Had there been present a bunch of Bison backing, bellicose, beefy  builders from Beacon Bottom they would have bellowed boisterously and bunged bricks into the air. Just as well they were absent.

On 12 minutes Greener was in on goal, but his shot was saved. He was then cross checked from behind and sent sprawling onto an already prostrate goaltender. “Interference,” bellowed Mr. Thompson. “2 minutes in the box for you, Cuddly Joe”. Penalty on Greener? What? Yes it was. Advantage to the Dogs. Or was it? Well no, as it proved, as inside a minute of the penalty Bison grabbed that ignominious goal of all goals - a shortie. The goal was made for Long Ciaron Long by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. In Wacky Races Professor Pat Pending’s Convert-a-car could transform itself to avoid or overcome obstacles. Tomas Karpov cannot do this, but on this occasion he had no need as the Dogs' D behaved as if it wasn’t there at all and provided no obstacle to block the Czech chap’s run on goal. There was a bit of a melée in front of goal, as Karpov slipped a pass to Long Ciaron, who forced it in. 3-0 Bison. At 3 goals to the bad, 2 power play goals and a shortie conceded, and only 13 minutes played, the Dogs were reeling like a 7 stone weakling hit by a humdinging  haymaker thrown by Mike Tyson.

Worse was to come. Indiscipline combined with Sedlar’s inability to make like an amoeba and extend his bodily form around pucks and thereby engulf shots once again cost the Dogs dear. With 49 seconds on the P1 clock remaining Bison bagged yet another power play goal, the Dogs having been called for too many imports on the ice. Set up by Rand, Long fired in a shot, which was saved, but, alas for the Dogs, the puck bounced away from the rubber-esque Sedlar straight to a lurking Greener, who fired in over the hapless netman’s pad. 4-0 Bison.

As the end of P1 buzzer sounded, the Dogs looked as shocked as a stripper who had popped out of a cake and found herself in the middle of a Salvation Army convention. The Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A bumped into Coach André Payette on the way back to his kennel and enquired in the politest possible way, as only he can,  how the coach thought it was going on a scale of 1 to 10. The coach declined to select a number and it is surprising that our old friend the Rabble Rouser is still alive as he was shot an “if looks could kill” look. As Payette didn’t, I’ll select some numbers. With a performance rating of 1, the Dogs were occupying 3rd place in a 2 team contest. They trailed 0-4 and they had been comprehensively outplayed and outshot by 18-7. Their chances of winning were now looking as dead as a highwayman dangling from a gallows on Tyburn Hill circa 1750. Payette’s own contribution had been comical. No wonder he looked both thunderous and chunderous. He is a shadow of the player he never was and his forays onto the ice now seem to last for 30 seconds at the most, during which time he stares at opponents, barges into them, taps them with his stick and engages in other acts of provocation, which are mostly ignored. Then he exits to the bench. Well why not? It’s tiring standing still for 30 seconds. We have to look elsewhere if we want to see speed skating and silky stick handling skills.

P2 opened and closed 20 minutes later without further scoring, but was again completely and utterly dominated by Bison. The shot count was 22-3 in their favour, but Sedlar was as good in this period as he had been poor in P1.

And so into the final period we passed. The Dogs at last bagged a goal on 44 minutes. With Long Ciaron banged up, in the slammer, doing choky and up the river all at once, an Ashley Calvert slap shot from the point found its way past Skinns. 4-1 Bison. The goal was set up by Andrew Hirst and Ben Morgan. Gestures of delight were seen and celebratory noises were heard emanating from the block housing those who had travelled from the frozen wastes of the north.

Could the Dogs launch a comeback from here? It didn’t look likely. They seemed to be playing without belief. Bison continued to power forward and their best chance to increase their lead before they actually did (see below) came in the 52nd minute when “Billy” Connolly set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba for a pile driver of a slap shot, which rang the goal frame. Bison hadn’t scored for 33 minutes, despite the Dogs’ best efforts to allow them to do so. Could they find a way past Sedlar, who, unlike his team-mates, was doing his best to keep Bison out? Eventually the thin red line (or more correctly black line), which was Dalibor Sedlar, was breached. On 53 minutes a giveaway allowed Karpov to barrel in on goal, deke and score unassisted. 5-1 Bison.

Shortly after Payette went after Ryan “You What” Watt, who, on this occasion, didn't fancy a punch up, which seems now to be Payette's only reamining hockey "skill". Watt wasn’t going to rise to the bait and held his stick out as the advancing and menacing Payette advanced menacingly. The officials stepped in and gave 2 slashing and 2 high sticks (attempted spearing would have sounded better in my view) penalties to Watt and a 2 cross checking penalty to Payette.

It seemed bizarre that the Dogs had ended up with a power play, but so they had. However, they could not take advantage and the 5 on 4 turned into a 4 on 4 when Janis Ozolins received a 2 + 10 for checking to the head a minute later. When Watt’s penalty ended Bison went on the power play for 1:06 and made it count with a minute of the game to play. Rand won a face off in the Dogs defensive zone. The puck broke to Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, who slotted in for 6-1 Bison. Had Charles Aznavour been present and a Bison fan he might have been moved to shout “Magnifique!” in recognition of “Popeye’s” cool finish and he may have even burst into a characteristically warbling rendition of “She”, but thankfully he wasn’t. The goal caused the Dogs faithful to instantly turn into Les Miserables. Their torture, heartache, sorrow, distress and wretchedness was to last only another minute before the Fat Lady burst into song to signal an end to their melancholy, suffering, gloom, worry and despair. Their captain Steve Duncombe, the best of a bad bunch, received the top banana award. Bison’s beers went to Aaron "Billy" Connolly. The Bearded Rabble Rouser's enquiry of Coach Payette remained unanswered.