Out of Tune Bees Drowned Out by Bison Concerto

Bison 5 Bracknell Bees 1

14/2/15

“We all live in a yellow submarine.” So sang the Beatles as they journeyed to Pepperland to free its peace loving folk from the Blue Meanies. Well the Bracknell Bees had no such conveyance and didn’t journey to Pepperland, but instead to Bisonland where there are thankfully no Blue Meanies. If they thought they could return to the Hive with 2 points in the bag, then they should have been singing “We all live in cloud cuckoo land”. They were outplayed, outmanoeuvred, outshot and out to lunch as Bison romped to a comfortable victory and, in doing so, fulfilled Mystic Jo’s pre match prediction of a 5-1 scoreline.

Our entertainment began even before the game had even started with mascot for the night, the Boy of Steel, goaltender extraordinaire and clearly no shrinking violet, coming out with the Bison team and milking the crowd in his own imitable arm waving style as the roar of the crowd rang in his ears. Long may he do so.

With the game only 12 seconds old Bison lost Aaron “Billy” Connolly. What looked like an innocuous check resulted in Billy going down and staying down as a crowd gathered around him. Shortly after he was able to leave the ice on wobbly legs supported by two colleagues. The word came that he had been taken to hospital where concussion was diagnosed. If this is correct, then this could mean the end of Billy’s season. A great shame for this never say die player.

Bison soldiered on without A-man Connolly and had the better of the early exchanges. It looked like only a matter of time before they got the crowd singing and indeed they took the lead on 6 minutes courtesy of Lumberjack Joe Rand. He and Bison skipper Nicky Chinn were involved in a 4 man scrap for the puck on the boards behind the goal. Lumberjack Joe emerged with it and skated out in front of goal. Joe Jackson once sang a song entitled “Look Sharp”. The Bees D didn’t look sharp at all. In fact, they looked as blunt as a worn down HB pencil. No-one bothered to challenge and Rand was able to beat the Bees’ goaltender, Tom Annetts, for speed as he lifted a wrist shot over the Annetts glove short side. 1-0 Bison. It was enough to make the Bison backers burst into a rendition of “Happy”, but I saw no would be Pharrell Williams impersonators present.

There were no more goals in the period, although Cuddly Joe Greener came close in a breakway, his shot being saved by Annetts, who denied him on this occasion, but who would see Cuddly Joe put 2 past him in the 2^nd as I shall shortly relate, dear reader.

Back in ’82 Joan Jett sang a song proclaiming “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll”. What a shame she wasn’t at Planet Ice last night. There would have been no need for her to instruct her baby to put another dime in the jukebox. It was pure rock ‘n’ roll hockey from Bison, which saw them rack up 4 unanswered goals in P2. Goal no. 2, scored after a minute of the opening of the period, came from a similar behind the goal scrap as goal No. 1. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba found Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard. He in turn found Cuddly Joe Greener who scrapped for it and then emerged from the boards to a position in front of goal with Long Ciaron Long in support. But Cuddly Joe didn’t need Long Ciaron as he fired past Annetts for 2-0 Bison. Had Neil Diamond been present and a Bees fan, he might have been tempted to burst into a rendition of “Song Sung Blue”.

Shortly after Bison thought they had scored again. A shot from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba rang the post and, according to Duracell Man, a close observer of the incident, the puck slid along the line and just over before Annetts fell on it, causing a melée of epic proportions. The goal light had come on, but then went off again and no goal was awarded. Still 2-0 Bison, but not for long.

On 22 minutes it really was 3-0 Bison. Coach Sheppard set up Cuddly Joe, who skated unchallenged by the two D-men in the vicinity and flicked the puck past Annetts at close range. In the Bison blocks unmelodic but very loud celebrations burst forth. It wasn’t a case of “Strawberry Fields Forever” (and I’m not talking about the Strawberry Fields in Bramley), but rather Bison forever.

A minute later a flare up flared up causing Referee Cloutman to stop the game by blowing his whistle as opposed to firing a flare. Incarceration for Greener and Turner for roughing were imposed resulting in a 4 on 4. During this the best chance fell to Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, who broke away only to see his shot saved by an alert Annetts.

Just before the half way mark Bison scored again. Remember “Hole in my shoe”? A hit for Traffic in 1967. Well there were no holes in shoes at Planet Ice, as far as I am aware, but there was a bloody great hole in the Bees’ D. “Popeye” Wynn found Ryan “You What?” Watt on the boards. He skated in looking for an opening. Suddenly he heard the tap-tap-tap-tap sound of a demented woodpecker. But it wasn’t a woodpecker, it was Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba skating over the blue line whilst tapping his stick on the ice to attract his team-mate’s attention. Watty’s perfect pass set up Miro for a slap shot. At the end of the Morcambe and Wise show each week Janet Webb, a lady of, shall we say, ample form, used to burst between Eric and Ernie and thank the audience for watching her show. Had the goaltender possessed the physical attributes of Janet he could have blocked the goal completely. But he didn’t and couldn’t and Miro’s clapper sailed past him to bulge the net. 4-0 Bison. The Bees backers looked glum and would have been entitled to sing “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”, but didn’t, as far as I am aware.

With 4 minutes of the period remaining Bison completed their P2 4 goal blast with another from Vantroba. “Popeye” Wynn won possession of the puck on the boards and fed Michael “Muzzy” Wales. His cross ice pass found Marvellous Miroslav steaming into the slot. The balding blueliner’s one timer flew past Annetts and it was 5-0 Bison. Remember Sir Cliff Richard entertaining the Wimbledon crowd in the rain in 1996 with a cappella (acappella if you prefer) singing of his famous songs? Well had the aforementioned knight of the realm been present last night, he may have launched himself into a rendition of “Congratulations”, but thankfully he was absent. What the crowd wanted was more hockey and more goals, not Sir Cliff.

Having been outplayed and outshot by 31-9 in the first 2 periods, it was clear that the Bees’ players were not singing off the same hymn sheet. They weren’t even playing all the right notes but in the wrong order. They had to find some sort of harmony and this they did with a much better P3, outshooting Bison by 14-9. The Beatles told us “All you need is love.” The Bees didn’t need love, but they did need a goal to give their fans something to sing about and have them twisting and shouting in the aisles. This came on 51 minutes. Ivan Antonov lost control of the puck in mid ice, but recovered, skated forward and then mishit a shot through Dean “Deano” Skinns’s 5-hole for an unassisted goal. Alas Speedway Girl, holder of membership card 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society, was absent, but, had she been present, she would have felt for Deano. Never mind he performed well overall and finished with an impressive game save percentage of 0.96 (why do we say “save percentage” when it’s always expressed as a decimal?)

As the end of P3 approached, the fat lady was practicing her scales. Now she was required to do her thing. Strains of “Goodnight Vienna” began to fill the Basingstoke Arena. But this was drowned out by the traditional rendition of “The Great Escape” emanating from the Bison blocks at high volume. The final buzzer sounded to bring an end to the proceedings.

Top Bananas were Dangerous Danny Ingoldsby, who had enjoyed a feisty game, putting himself about a bit, and Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba with a 2+1 game from the blue line. The crowd departing singing the praises of their heroes.

Steeldogs Lack Steel

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 1

7/2/15

Remember Wet Wet Wet? Amongst their many hits was a song entitled “Sweet Surrender”. At Planet Ice last night there was a surrender of sorts, but more of a sour one than a sweet one, as the Dogs capitulated and slumped to an ignominious defeat. Had they been able to find a white flag, they would have hoisted it, but none could be found and the punishment went unabated. The Dogs lost the game on the back of ill discipline with 40 minutes of penalties and shooting so “couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo” that they mustered only 15 shots on target in the whole game. In contrast Bison managed 50 and the differential of 35 shots is the greatest margin in the EPL this season.

Ill discipline? Surely not the Dogs. Yes the Dogs. It took only 3 seconds for them to get a call for penalty no.1. The unsavoury Craig Elliott cross checked. Referee Thompson said “Go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect £200”. Elliott did not advance to Trafalgar Square, nor was he assessed for street repairs, nor did he collect £10 for second prize in a beauty contest, but did indeed go directly to jail. Just over a minute into the power play Bison landed on Mayfair. Fed by Long Ciaron Long, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino dropped a pass to Aaron “Billy” Connolly and the latter beat Dalibor Sedlar in the Dog’s net with an accurately placed wrist shot. 1-0 Bison. Despite the absences of both the Howling Man and the vuvuzela toting member of Trio Polskie, the goal was greeted with a deafening crescendo of noise.

On 4 minutes indiscipline cost the Dogs another goal. We witnessed a seemingly unprovoked assault by Callum Pattison on Michael “Muzzy” Wales. The former cross checked the latter from behind, sending the aforesaid latter sprawling to the ice and then assaulted him as he adopted a turtle-esque bodily shape. “Oi, matey,” said Mr. Thompson, “that’s bang out of order” and instantly slapped a 2 + 10 on Pattison. Just over a minute into the 5 on 4 Cuddly Joe Greener was set up by “Billy” Connolly to fire in a slap shot from the point. Sedlar saved the effort, but failed to engulf the puck. Lumberjack Joe Rand managed to force the rebound over the line. On came the red light (not Roxanne’s) and there was the referee’s flat hand pointing netwards for all to see. The shining beacon of light with the referee’s gesture confirmed it was 2-0 Bison. Had there been present a bunch of Bison backing, bellicose, beefy  builders from Beacon Bottom they would have bellowed boisterously and bunged bricks into the air. Just as well they were absent.

On 12 minutes Greener was in on goal, but his shot was saved. He was then cross checked from behind and sent sprawling onto an already prostrate goaltender. “Interference,” bellowed Mr. Thompson. “2 minutes in the box for you, Cuddly Joe”. Penalty on Greener? What? Yes it was. Advantage to the Dogs. Or was it? Well no, as it proved, as inside a minute of the penalty Bison grabbed that ignominious goal of all goals - a shortie. The goal was made for Long Ciaron Long by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. In Wacky Races Professor Pat Pending’s Convert-a-car could transform itself to avoid or overcome obstacles. Tomas Karpov cannot do this, but on this occasion he had no need as the Dogs' D behaved as if it wasn’t there at all and provided no obstacle to block the Czech chap’s run on goal. There was a bit of a melée in front of goal, as Karpov slipped a pass to Long Ciaron, who forced it in. 3-0 Bison. At 3 goals to the bad, 2 power play goals and a shortie conceded, and only 13 minutes played, the Dogs were reeling like a 7 stone weakling hit by a humdinging  haymaker thrown by Mike Tyson.

Worse was to come. Indiscipline combined with Sedlar’s inability to make like an amoeba and extend his bodily form around pucks and thereby engulf shots once again cost the Dogs dear. With 49 seconds on the P1 clock remaining Bison bagged yet another power play goal, the Dogs having been called for too many imports on the ice. Set up by Rand, Long fired in a shot, which was saved, but, alas for the Dogs, the puck bounced away from the rubber-esque Sedlar straight to a lurking Greener, who fired in over the hapless netman’s pad. 4-0 Bison.

As the end of P1 buzzer sounded, the Dogs looked as shocked as a stripper who had popped out of a cake and found herself in the middle of a Salvation Army convention. The Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A bumped into Coach André Payette on the way back to his kennel and enquired in the politest possible way, as only he can,  how the coach thought it was going on a scale of 1 to 10. The coach declined to select a number and it is surprising that our old friend the Rabble Rouser is still alive as he was shot an “if looks could kill” look. As Payette didn’t, I’ll select some numbers. With a performance rating of 1, the Dogs were occupying 3rd place in a 2 team contest. They trailed 0-4 and they had been comprehensively outplayed and outshot by 18-7. Their chances of winning were now looking as dead as a highwayman dangling from a gallows on Tyburn Hill circa 1750. Payette’s own contribution had been comical. No wonder he looked both thunderous and chunderous. He is a shadow of the player he never was and his forays onto the ice now seem to last for 30 seconds at the most, during which time he stares at opponents, barges into them, taps them with his stick and engages in other acts of provocation, which are mostly ignored. Then he exits to the bench. Well why not? It’s tiring standing still for 30 seconds. We have to look elsewhere if we want to see speed skating and silky stick handling skills.

P2 opened and closed 20 minutes later without further scoring, but was again completely and utterly dominated by Bison. The shot count was 22-3 in their favour, but Sedlar was as good in this period as he had been poor in P1.

And so into the final period we passed. The Dogs at last bagged a goal on 44 minutes. With Long Ciaron banged up, in the slammer, doing choky and up the river all at once, an Ashley Calvert slap shot from the point found its way past Skinns. 4-1 Bison. The goal was set up by Andrew Hirst and Ben Morgan. Gestures of delight were seen and celebratory noises were heard emanating from the block housing those who had travelled from the frozen wastes of the north.

Could the Dogs launch a comeback from here? It didn’t look likely. They seemed to be playing without belief. Bison continued to power forward and their best chance to increase their lead before they actually did (see below) came in the 52nd minute when “Billy” Connolly set up Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba for a pile driver of a slap shot, which rang the goal frame. Bison hadn’t scored for 33 minutes, despite the Dogs’ best efforts to allow them to do so. Could they find a way past Sedlar, who, unlike his team-mates, was doing his best to keep Bison out? Eventually the thin red line (or more correctly black line), which was Dalibor Sedlar, was breached. On 53 minutes a giveaway allowed Karpov to barrel in on goal, deke and score unassisted. 5-1 Bison.

Shortly after Payette went after Ryan “You What” Watt, who, on this occasion, didn't fancy a punch up, which seems now to be Payette's only reamining hockey "skill". Watt wasn’t going to rise to the bait and held his stick out as the advancing and menacing Payette advanced menacingly. The officials stepped in and gave 2 slashing and 2 high sticks (attempted spearing would have sounded better in my view) penalties to Watt and a 2 cross checking penalty to Payette.

It seemed bizarre that the Dogs had ended up with a power play, but so they had. However, they could not take advantage and the 5 on 4 turned into a 4 on 4 when Janis Ozolins received a 2 + 10 for checking to the head a minute later. When Watt’s penalty ended Bison went on the power play for 1:06 and made it count with a minute of the game to play. Rand won a face off in the Dogs defensive zone. The puck broke to Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, who slotted in for 6-1 Bison. Had Charles Aznavour been present and a Bison fan he might have been moved to shout “Magnifique!” in recognition of “Popeye’s” cool finish and he may have even burst into a characteristically warbling rendition of “She”, but thankfully he wasn’t. The goal caused the Dogs faithful to instantly turn into Les Miserables. Their torture, heartache, sorrow, distress and wretchedness was to last only another minute before the Fat Lady burst into song to signal an end to their melancholy, suffering, gloom, worry and despair. Their captain Steve Duncombe, the best of a bad bunch, received the top banana award. Bison’s beers went to Aaron "Billy" Connolly. The Bearded Rabble Rouser's enquiry of Coach Payette remained unanswered.        

Bison Do the Stinging as Bees Can Only Bumble

Bison 4 Bracknell Bees 0

31/1/15

The Bracknell Bees, who languish bottom of the EPL pile with a dismal record of 7 wins and 26 defeats so far this season and a chunderous run of 14 consecutive league road defeats, came to Planet Ice last night in hope of a change in their fortunes. Could the Bees resist a resurgent Bison? Allow me a small digression. Imagine a combination of shredded pousin, halloumi and chopped brède tompouce, seasoned with allspice and arrowroot, the whole being wrapped in filo pastry, then lightly brushed with linoleic sunflower oil before being placed in a pre heated oven at 350°F for 20 minutes until golden brown and crispy. Could this delicate culinary delight resist the crushing force of being sat on by the Rabble Rouser of Block A? No! And neither could the Bees resist the crushing force of a rampant Bison, who outshot the Bracknell bumblers by 38 to 20 and ran out comfortable 4-0 winners.

The goalless scoreline was consigned to the bin in the 6^th minute. From behind Bison’s blue line Declan Balmer served the puck to Long Ciaron Long, lurking Bison side of the red line. Long Ciaron skated forward along the boards all the way to the goal line and beyond. From behind the net he set up Cuddly Joe Greener idling at the top of the crease. The Greener stick met the puck and snapped it in. 1-0 Bison. The goal made the Bison backers jump for joy over the moon to infinity and beyond. Their celebrations went inter-stellar and were Jupeterian in magnitude. Some unwrapped Mars and Milky Way bars to celebrate. “The sky’s the limit,” they shouted. Was their team about to reach for the stars team and go where no man had gone before?

Bison continued to press, but could not increase their lead before the end of P1, despite dominating play. Never mind they went into the interval with a lead, which they never relinquished. And it didn’t take long on recommencement of hostilities for them to increase their lead and what a cracker of a set up pass to fashion the opportunity we saw. A shot from Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba was wide of the mark. The Bees goaltender, Alex Mettam went behind his net and shot the puck around the boards, looking for a team mate. Alas for Mettam the puck went straight to Coach Doug Sheppard, who stopped it dead before rifling a diagonal pass, incredible in terms of speed, length and accuracy, straight to Long Ciaron Long at the back door. It appeared that Long Ciaron might have been the sufferer of undesirable malodorous qualities as there were no Bees wanting to get near him. He one timed a snap shot through the sizeable gap between netman and post and it was 2-0 Bison. He was warmly embraced by his team mates thus quashing the theory of malodor. The absence of Bees D-men to challenge him had been down merely to rank defending. Had the Bison crowd shot their bolt after the raucous manner with which the previous goal had been greeted? Fie and pish NO! Long Ciaron’s goal was greeted by an outburst of enthusiasm which propelled the hang the consequences Bison backers with their red raw larynxes to previously unattained heights of celebration.

So 2-0 to the good after 22 minutes and all was looking fine and dandy for Bison. Alas the game slowed and chances became few. It was not surprising, therefore, that the period was seen out with no further scoring.

Going into the 3^rd period Bison were well worth their 2-0 lead. However, such a lead is never comfortable and, as all hockey fans know, a couple of goals can be scored in a matter of seconds. Bison needed to regain the upper hand and turn that superiority into goals. This they did and it took them only 5 minutes to bag their third, a power play goal. On 44 minutes Josh Tetlow clipped Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, causing him to rotate in an unnatural fashion. “Oi! You can’t do that,” said the referee. “Take a trip to the box”. The dictionary definition of trip is “a journey, voyage or run made by a boat, train, bus or the like between two points”. In this case there was no vehicle involved, but Tetlow did voyage between two points, namely the ice and the penalty box bench. A minute into the 5 on 4 and it was 3-0 Bison. Scrapping for the puck behind the goal line, Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and Cuddly Joe Greener found Lumberjack Joe Rand, also behind the goal line. Rand took the puck out in front. Remember Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west? Of course you do. Benny Hill’s finest hour. If you recall, Ernie was done by the concrete hardened crust of a stale pork pie, thrown by Two Ton Ted from Teddington, which caught him in the eye. Well the Bees faithful must have been hoping that their D could show the same hard, resistant qualities of Ted’s stale pork pie’s crust, but alas they couldn’t. Far from it in fact. No-one at all challenged Rand and he was left free to pick his spot. Instead of feinting from the shock receiving no challenge, he fired the puck past a hideously exposed Mettam.

For their team to be 3-0 ahead and cruising wasn’t enough for the Bison backers. Their lust for blood had risen. They wanted a blood letting. They bayed for more blood to be spilled on the carpet. They wanted Bison to go for the jugular, sink their teeth into the Bracknell neck and bleed them white. Bloody hell! And only a minute after goal no. 3 they got the blood they were looking for. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds passed out of defence to Long Ciaron Long whose slap shot from the point was tipped in by the twig of Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. 4-0 Bison.

Bison’s 4th goal ensured that the Bees now stood as much chance of winning the game as someone had of living beyond the end of the week after annoying the Boston Strangler, Dr. Crippen and Jack the Ripper all at once.  All seemed lost. The Bees had lost control and lost their way. The struggle had been lost and winning the game was now a lost chance. The players looked like lost souls, lost in contemplation, while their fans had lost their faith, lost their tempers and some had even lost their marbles. Their team had lost out and looked like little boys lost. It was a lost cause.

The period was played out in much the same pattern of Bison dominance. As the minutes ticked away and the Bees looked ever increasingly unlikely to score, one of the Good Time Girls committed the cardinal sin of mentioning the dreaded “S” word. However, for some inexplicable reason the shut out was not jinxed by the utterance and Dean “Deano” Skinns had his clean sheet. The period ended and Bison were the victors in this rather one sided joust. Ivan Antonov was crowned best Bee and Long was elected Bison’s capital combatant.