Bison 5 Sheffield Steeldogs 3
11/10/14
A splendid
hat-trick with 3 contrasting goals from Lumberjack Joe Rand, following on from
his hat-trick last time out, saw Bison over the line in a game which should have
seen them cruising past a rather poor Dogs team outshot by 37-16. The final
score of 5-3 flattered the visitors for sure.
The 1st
period was as one sided an affair as you are ever likely to see in 20 minutes
of ice time as Deans “Deano” Skinns in the Bison net had to keep out only 2
shots, whereas his opposite number Dalibor Sedlar, was forced to work overtime,
facing 18 shots. Bison surged into a 3-0 lead and by the end of the period the
difference between the two teams had been like chalk and cheese, sweet and
sour, Hitler and Gandhi.
The Dogs started
the game in a most unfamiliar manner and appeared to want to play it clean. In
fact, it was a full 3 minutes before they were called for a penalty, Steve
Duncombe the perpetrator on this occasion. Their second penalty on 10 minutes
proved their undoing with Bison scoring on the power play. Ashley Calvert was
called for tripping on Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds. The dictionary defines
“trip” as “a manoeuvre to cause someone to stumble or fall”. I guess this
includes thrusting your leg or stick in front of your opponent’s legs so that
he falls, a forlorn floundering figure, headlong to the ice. The referee
obviously thought so and called tripping on Calvert. The goal was a simple tap
in for Lumberjack Joe Rand after a shot from Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard had been
saved. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn picked up the second assist. 1-0 Bison.
At 1-0 down, the
Dogs reverted to the Dogs we know and love and it cost them dear. Agent
provocateur supreme, Coach André Payette, expended what little energy he had
(Heavens above that man is unfit) by whacking Bison players with his stick
hoping to draw a penalty. His first object of provocation was Muzzy Wales who
whacked him back. Mr Szucs was looking elsewhere and nothing was called. Then
moments later the Payette stick caught Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird on the legs, but
the Bison D man contemptuously ignored the blundering buffoon. Then it all went
wrong for Payette. The idea is you slash your opponent without the referee
seeing, hopefully he (your opponent that is not the referee) then slashes you
back or attacks you just at the moment that the referee has turned round. Your
opponent gets the penalty and you get off scot free and your team goes on the
power play. That’s not how it worked out on this occasion. Payette slashed Matt
“Bad News” Selby, Selby slashed him back. We were then treated to a Punch and
Judy show. Well not quite because there was only a bit of Punch, hardly any
Judy and no crocodile, policeman or string of sausages at all. The referee saw
it all and the result was a 2 slashing for Selby and a 2 slashing and 2
roughing for Payette. Bison power play. That didn’t quite work out as the Dogs
coach has planned. Had Punch been present he might have said to Payette “That’s
NOT the way to do it”. Worse was to come…
Only 7 seconds
in to the 5 on 4, a dog attacked a cat. The unsavoury Craig Elliott grabbed
Stuart “The Cat” Mogg around the neck after a goalmouth scramble and caused his
helmet to fall off. The dog went walkies to the slammer for a 2 roughing minor.
45 seconds later Bison made the 5 on 3 count with another goal. Set up by Tomas
“Grandmaster” Karpov, Marvellous Miroslav Vantoba fired a slapshot from the
slot. The puck took off like Blériot’s monoplane, but a damned site faster. The
Gallic aviator’s flimsy flying machine of 1909 had a top speed of 47 m.p.h.
whereas Miro’s slapshot must have been travelling at nearly twice that speed.
We will never know whether or not Sedlar would have saved it because Lumberjack
Joe Rand dangled his twig and deflected the puck past the hapless netman for
2-0 Bison.
4 minutes later
a flurry of penalties gave rise to a 4 on 4. Enter Grandmaster Karpov. He was
everywhere. So everywhere, in fact, that he seemed capable of passing to
himself on the opposite wing. To the Dogs’ D he must have seemed like an
annoying fly which, despite your best efforts, proves impossible to swat. He
would shoot and pick up the rebound or win possession back or be given the puck
back by the Dogs' and shoot again. Eventually the fly triumphed swatting the puck past
Sedlar and it was 3-0 Bison. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino and Cuddly Joe
Greener was declared assistants to Karpov. In Block H the happy hockey hombres
from Havana hurrah’d, huzzah’d and hoopla’d and hurled their hats Heavenwards. The
who? OK I admit I made them up – I couldn’t resist the opportunity for a spot
of alliteration. Had they existed, however, they would have lit up their Cuban
cigars in celebration.
The period ended
with no further scoring. So poor had been the Dogs’ performance that the
visiting fans may have wished to drink themselves into oblivion. Unfortunately
for them no alcohol is available at the Planet Ice refreshment bar and the same
effect of insensibility cannot be achieved by imbibing frothy hot chocolate
from the drinks vending machine in the lobby. They hoped for something better
in P2 and they got it, but not before falling even further behind.
On 27 minutes
Karpov, fed by Vantroba, took the puck behind the goal line and picked out
Muzzy Wales standing all alone in front of the net. Muzzy snapped it home and
it was 4-0 Bison. The celebration was so monumentally loud and so gargantuanly
visual it would have been heard by the deaf and seen by the blind. As for those
without a sense of smell, even they would have been able to detect the smell of
success. The Dogs were reeling like a man who had just received a jab from Joe
“The Brown Bomber” Louis, a punch to the solar plexus from Smokin’ Joe Frazier,
a left hook from Thomas “Hitman” Hearns, a right cross from Marvellous Marvin
Hagler and an uppercut from Iron Mike Tyson all at once. However, things didn’t
progress from here as the Bison backers would have liked and the Dogs managed
to pull one back with Tom Squires firing high into the net from an set up by
Andrew Hirst and Lubomir Korhon. 4-1 the period ended.
P3 saw the Dogs
getting back into contention. Coach Payette was too puffed out to continue and
spent the period on the bench in his civvies. The Dogs played much better. A coincidence
surely. On 50 minutes they reduced the arrears even further. Set up by Squires,
Ben Morgan fired in a shot which was saved by Skinns, but, much to his chagrin,
there was the scary looking Lubomir Korhon (have you seen his profile picture
on the Dogs’ web site?) to net the rebound and make it 4-2.
Things were
looking a bit wobbly for Bison. Cruising at 4-0 they were now only 2 goals to
the good and in danger of letting it slip. As we know, a 2 goal deficit can be
wiped out in a matter of seconds. They had to keep their composure and men out
of the slammer. To concede penalties now would have been as undesirable as the
Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler
using one of his gold inlaid, exquisitely engraved, 1830 Purdey sporting guns
to lever up a drain cover and the other one of the matching pair to clear the
blockage. However, with 5 minutes remaining a man was indeed lost to the
glasshouse, albeit on the end of a bizarre decision. Muzzy Wales and Andrew
Hirst came together on the boards behind the goal. Hirst nutted Wales, as
confirmed to me by the Headbanger, a close observer of the incident, but it was
Wales who was called for roughing. A power play for the Dogs and just what they
wanted. However, things didn’t go the way they had planned. What I am about to
relate was a great deed of derring-do, as opposed to one of herring-do, which,
although not directly related to fish, did have the Bison backers shouting
“HOLY MACKEREL!”
Cuddly Joe
Greener robbed possession of the puck and slid a diagonal pass to Lumberjack
Joe Rand, who was in on goal and one on one with Sedlar. What happened next was
described in great detail to me by the Bespectacled Youth, an expert on goalie movement.
Sedlar slid to the ice with stacked pads, one on top of the other, but Joe
delayed his shot and the hapless custodian found himself sliding across the
goal and likely to leave an empty net if he didn’t arrest the movement. As he
dug in his skate blade his pad lifted creating a gap between ice and pad
through which Joe shot. Sedlar had been undone. A shortie! 5-2 Bison and surely
game over. Well not quite…
With just over 2
minutes remaining it was back to a 2 goal game with Korhon stabbing home after
a scramble in front of the net, Squires and Smith assisting. 5-3 Bison. And
then we saw a frantic last minute with Sedlar pulled and Bison managing to miss
4 empty net chances, the last effort from Muzzy Wales hitting the post as the
buzzer blared forth to terminate the struggle. A satisfactory result for Bison and
2 points in the bag. (Have you ever wondered where the bag with all the points
in is kept?) As for the Dogs they can consider themselves very fortunate to
have come away with a respectable scoreline which they didn’t really deserve.
Joe Rand and Tom Squires were elected Top Bananas for their fine performances.
