Colossus Odrobny Colossal, But Not Colossal Enough

Bison 3 Milton Keynes Lightning 2

18/2/17

This was a must win game for the Lightning. Trailing table topping Telford Tigers by 8 points with only one game in hand, nothing short of a 2 point haul would be acceptable if they were to step up to the Elite League with the EPL title to show for their season’s efforts. Despite giving their all to a cracking competitive game, an Ooo Matron winning position for MK turned into an Oooo Betty losing one, as I shall relate, dear reader.

Things got off to a wack-o-the-diddle-o start for MK. Within 2 minutes they were ahead. Set up by Luc Johnson and James Griffin, Lewis Hook skated up the right wing, cut inside and unleashed a wrist shot past Tomas Hiadlovsky. 1-0 Lightning.

Bison came on strong, but there didn’t seem an easy way past MK’s giant Polish goaltender, Przemyslaw Odrobny, the man with the unpronounceable first name. That is until 17:15. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds set Ivan and Vanya Antonov charging up the left wing and across the blue line. Their netwards shot was tipped by Desperate Dan Davies. We would have liked to have seen the puck fly into the net, but Odrobny got a piece of it. Not a big enough piece, however, and the puck slid rather slowly across the line. But across the line it slid and out came Referee Matthews’ flat pointy hand, which he thrust netwards. 1-1. A massive roar emanated from the Bison blocks and threatened to multiply the problems of structural instability to the crumbling barn which is Planet Ice, Basingstoke.

Into P2 we moved. Bison stepped up a gear, but were finding Odrobny a tough nut to crack. Consider a scale of wobbliness where a Chivers jelly, a strawberry blancmange and a weeble were all factors. Bison would have preferred Odrobny to be at the top end of this scale, but he was more akin to the Berlin Wall (before it came down of course). And the defiant net minding of the giant Pole was to pay dividends for his team.

On 27 minutes Lumberjack Joe Rand took a high stick to the face. As no blood was involved, the perpetrator, Blaz Emersic, copped a 2 minute minor instead of a game penalty – curious rule that. Bison could take no advantage from the power play, but within 20 seconds of the expiry of the penalty MK were back in front. The goal was a work of art. Even the home fans’ most biased partisan, viewing the game through rose tinted glasses with a propensity for prodigious predilection for his team and suffering from a paucity of magnanimity (eh? I’m not sure I know what means myself) couldn’t help but admire the flowing move from Leigh Jamieson to Jordan Cowney to Frankie Bakrlik, who whipped a wrist shot past Hiadlovosky and it was 2-1 Lightning.

On 34:41 Lewis Christie roughed Aaron “Billy” Connolly. The dictionary defines rough as “having a coarse or uneven surface, as from projections, irregularities, or breaks”. And also “acting with or characterized by violence”. In Referee Matthews’s book the latter not the former was an accurate description of what he saw. “Oi! I’m not having that,” he said and off went Christie to the slammer for 2 minutes. It proved to be a most eventful powerplay. Early on Hook blocked a shot and the puck rebounded nicely for him. He was away and raced forward at breakneck speed. He had only Hiadlovsky to beat. He must have wished that the Slovak netman had the goal blocking capability of the waif like subject of Lowry’s “Gentleman looking at something” (what a wonderful title for a painting, eh?)

However, as he bore down on goal Hiadlo must have appeared more akin, certainly in size if not general appearance, to Sue Tilley, the model for the famous Lucien Freud painting “Benefits supervisor asleep”.

And so it proved as Hiadlo blocked Hook’s shot, more with agility than bulk it has to be said, and the score remained at 1-2. It proved to be a monumentally important save. Some might say it was the turning point of the game. Who? Me for a start. Why? You will see.

The power play continued and Bison piled on the pressure, playing the puck around and raining in shots on the MK goal. Were it not for the fact that no Latvian anarchists, police, army and Winston Churchill were involved, you could say it was getting like the siege Sidney Street 1911 (Where? See below). Eventually Lightning’s resistance cracked. Set up by Shoeless Joe Miller, Dangerous Derek Roehl sent an unstoppable wrist shot through a crowd and past Odrobny catcher side. The net rippled, on came the red light, out came Mr. Matthews’s flat pointy hand for the 4^th time in the game. The goaltender couldn’t have been happy, but he couldn’t stop what he couldn’t see. He may have said “Oh botheration” or the Polish equivalent or perhaps something stronger. 2-2.

As the period drew to a close, an unsavoury incident most atrabilious in nature occurred behind the Bison net. Frankie “Bad News” Bakrlik hammered into the head of Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer and sent him to the ice in a crumpled heap. The crowd were incensed. Some shouted “Bring back hanging!”, whilst others, possessed of a more realistic understanding of the punishments available to the officials, exhorted “Give him a game!” The Howling Man was particularly vociferous. In a characteristically incomprehensible manner he delivered his anguished diatribe of protestation at full volume. What he shouted, however, was typically incomprehensible. Referee Matthews slapped a 2 + 10 onto Frankie (that’s 150 PIMs for the season for him) and those who wanted to throw a rope over a tree branch in the Planet Ice car park calmed down at least for a moment. But then the blood lust of the Bison crowd rose again as Balmer threatened the MK bench (or rather those on it) when he eventually got back to the Bison bench and it looked as if there might be some afters, but this proved not to be the case. 

And so into the final period we moved.  Bison had outshot Lightning by 30-17 in the first two periods, but the colossal colossus Odrobny was proving obstacular (OK I made that word up) in keeping his team in with a chance of the victory. In particular he was blocking everything low, which prompted the Man with 3 Ear-Rings to say that Bison had to get the shots to lift to beat the Goliath-esque netman. And so it proved, which made me think that he, unlike myself, might know something about hockey.

The clocked ticked close to the 5 minutes to go mark and the game was on a knife edge, like the coach at the end of “The Italian Job”. Which way would it go? Another MK move broke down and suddenly Bison were away. Balmer to Antonov to Long, who skated forward with a clear sight of goal. Martin Luther King very famously had a dream. As Long Ciaron approached, Odrobny also had a dream. It was dream that he could prevent a goal. Such proved to be nothing more than a pipe dream, however, as Long Ciaron suddenly let loose an unstoppable wrist shot from wide to the goaltender’s right. The puck flew past the Odrobny blocker and into the net. Blistering biriyanis! Bison were ahead for the first time in the game. 3-2.

With 20 seconds left Odrobny finally managed to get off the ice for a final 6 on 5. Then with only 8.5 seconds on the clock MK called a time out. As the players shaped up for the subsequent face off Bison called one. What was that all about? Whatever had been said during the MK time out was said again during the Bison timeout. I cannot imagine any new instructions were conveyed by either coach. The game restarted and Reynolds missed a long range empty net chance. That mattered not as the buzzer sounded and it was all over. 

All that remained was for the Top Bananas to be appointed. Dan Davies copped the Bison award and, unsurprisingly, Odrobny was considered the best Lightning player. A great display from him, but, alas for the giant Pole, Lightning’s hopes of winning the league title were now as good as (or as bad as) dead. Best don the black armbands and call the undertaker.

4 Goal Antonov exposes Lakosil’s Lack of Skill

Bison 7 Hull Pirates 1

11/2/17

Only 2 weeks ago the Hull Pirates found themselves on the end of 6-1 flagellation at Planet Ice. They returned last night hoping to do better. They failed. It was a 7-1 trousers down caning, due in no small measure to the failings of their hapless goaltender Vlastimil Lakosil. All he had to do was stop 28 on target shots and the Pirates would have plundered the points. Alas he could stop only 21 of them and the Pirates subsided like a skyscraper built on porridge (is there such a building?) to an ignominious 7-1 defeat, which included a 4 goal haul to the Antonov twins,  2 shorted handed goals, a Bison EPL points record for Long Ciaron Long and a 0+4 night for Desperate Dan Davies. In the end the only desperate man on the ice was Lakosil with a save percentage of 75% and looking to have more holes in him than in Blackburn, Lancashire, in which, according to John Lennon, there were 4,000.

 P1 opened and Bison scored with their first on target shot of the game. It came on 4:20. Set up by Long, Davies carried the puck forward on the left wing and cracked a shot across goal. There at the back door were the Antonov twins and one of them (I am not sure if it was Ivan or Vanya) squeezed the puck through the small gap between goaltender and post. Fortunately Referee Szuchs didn’t spot both the Antonovs or he may have disallowed the goal and called Bison for too many men on the ice. 1-0 Bison.

On 16:41 Matt Towalski did something with his stick which may have impressed Captain Hook, but not Referee Szuchs. “I’m not having that,” said the latter. He blew his whistle and signalled a hooking offence. In the ensuing power play the Pirates could make no impression on the Bison goal and, worse than that, they were caught with trousers down on 18:08 and conceded a short handed goal. The defending was as bad as if they had entrusted it to a load of intoxicated giggling flibbertigibbets. (Flibberti whats? “Oh come on,” I hear you say. “You’ve made that word up”. Actually no – it’s a real word. Look it up). Well they might just as well have drafted in the flibbertigibbets because, despite having a 5 on 4 advantage they found themselves defending a 2 on 1 with Long and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov marauding forward like a pair of rampaging stoats. Long thwacked a cross ice pass to take out both D-man and goaltender and Karpov hammered it home. 2-0 Bison.

The period ended with the Pirates having outshot Bison by 10-7, yet trailing by 2-0. P2 opened and soon after they thought their evening was about to get a whole lot better. On 23:57 during a melée in front of the piratical net Towalski had his collar felt for spearing. Spear is defined as “a shoot, slender stalk, or blade, as of grass, asparagus, or broccoli or an acrospire of grain”. Clearly that’s not what we saw on this occasion, although I concede we may have seen an “acrospire”, but, as I have no idea what one of those is, I can only assume that Mr. Szuchs saw Towalski using his stick like it was “a weapon consisting of a long shaft with a sharp pointed end of metal, stone, or wood that may be thrown or thrust”. He may have thought that 10 years hard labour on Devil’s Island would have been an appropriate punishment for Towalski, but he did not have the power to impose such a punishment. Instead he doled out a match penalty.

Now the Pirates went on a 5 minute power play. Surely they would be able to reduce the arrears? Well no. And worse still, chunderous defending saw them concede their second shortie of the game. Never mind Blackburn, Lancashire on 26:58 the Pirates’ defence looked like it had more holes in it than in Switzerland’s entire yearly production of Emmenthal cheese as Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird speared a forward pass and there was Dangerous Derek Roehl all alone between the red line, which we can’t see, of course, and the Pirates’ blue line, which we can see - just. The marauding Michiganian (yes that’s a real term) needed no further invitation and charged forward far faster than a hyperactive tortoise could, outdeked the hapless Lakosil, who was probably wishing that Roehl was only a tortoise, and slid a backhander across the line, much to the Czech chap’s chagrin. 3-0 Bison.

The 5 minute penalty expired and the Pirates had no plunder. However, on 30:01 they finally managed to swing on board the Bison galleon as a Jonathon Kirk shot was tipped over a prone Tomas Hiadlovsky by Josh Gent. Second assist to Jordan Fisher. 3-1 Bison and hope for the Pirates, albeit not for long, as I shall relate, dear reader.

Bison restored their 3 goal advantage on 33:09. Baird to Davies to Antonov, who was in on goal, deked and scored as Lakosil was being knocked over and, as a consequence, knocked the net off its moorings. He bellyached, bemoaned and bewailed to Mr Szuchs, but it had been one of his own hapless D-men who had bundled into him and anyway the puck was already across the line before the net came off. His chunterings mattered not a jot as Mr. Szuchs’s hand remained flat and pointy in the direction of the net. 4-1 Bison.

On 39:33 Stuart “The Cat” Mogg sent Long Ciaron away up the right wing. A pinpoint diagonal pass found the Antonovs wide to the goaltender’s left and all on their own as if no-one wanted to come near them because they had the bubonic plague. However, I heard no-one ringing a bell and shouting “Unclean! Unclean!” And in any case the Antonovs didn’t look ill. They outdeked the by now suicidal Lakosil, who must have been enraged that he had once again been left denuded of cover by his chunderous defence, and once again backhanded across the line. It was a hat-trick for Ivan and Vanya – the twins had scored 3 goals between them and it was 5-1 Bison.

There were no more goals in the period. It had been an Ooo Matron first two periods for Bison and an Ooo Betty couple for the Pirates and their infelicitous (look that one up Bavy) netminder. Lakosil had faced 18 on target shots and let in 5 – a woeful save percentage of 68.4%. Had a school report been issued it might have said “Could do better. Perhaps an alternative career should be considered”.

P3 began and it was to be a period littered with penalty calls which rather made us wonder whether the stop/start game would be finished before midnight. In the 49^th minute an unsavoury embroilment of the most unseemly variety broke out in front of the Bison bench. It may have been kicked off by a cross check by Andrej Themar on Dangerous Derek Roehl. Too much went on for me to give a full account of the opprobrious proceedings, but I did see Roehl trying to crack Themar’s head open on the wall like a squirrel cracking a nut. Fortunately he failed and off to the glasshouse went Roehl and Themar as well as Boothroyd and Balmer to join those already in the box for earlier offences. There was now standing room only in the two boxes.

On 55:36 Lee Bonner received a double penalty for cross checking and slashing. There wasn’t much else he could have done with his stick. Well actually there was - he could have gone for a full set with butt ending, spearing and hooking all thrown in, but that would have required a lot of majorette style stick twirling and he clearly didn’t have time. For the Pirates Bonner’s double penalty turned out to be a bigger disaster than the Wall Street Crash, the eruption of Krakatoa and the influenza pandemic of 1919 all rolled into one as Bison piled on the agony with 2 power play goals. Firstly, Antonov set up Davies to shoot. He shot (not himself fortunately), but Lakosil saved. Alas for the wretched netman the puck rebounded straight to Jarolin who slotted home. 6-1 Bison. Then, set up by Davies (his 4^th assist on the night), Long Ciaron shot from the point. If Lakosil thought, “I’m saving this,” his hopes were to be cruelly dashed like surf upon the rocks as one of the Antonovs dangled his lumber and the puck was redirected past an alternative career considering Lakosil. 7-1 Bison.

Yes it was 7-1. Could the Pirates come back and score 7 goals in 2 minutes to win the game? As you read this after the event, dear reader, you may be seized by a fit of uncontrollable maniacal laughter that this could have been even considered a vague possibility at the time. However, there may have been some deprecating, hand wringing sceptics amongst the Bison faithful, who might have thought so. If so, such individuals were to be exposed as nothing other than  dastardly pessimists wallowing in their own quagmire-esque cess pit of doubt and uncertainty. And so it proved soon after as the buzzer sounded to signal an end to the game and Lakosil’s night of torture. Josh Gent was considered the gent most deserving of the Pirates’ most swashbuckling player award and, once again, the Antonovs had to share the Bison Top Banana award.

Tenacious Telford Tigers Triumph in Titillating Title Trophy Tilt

Bison 2 Telford Tigers 4

4/2/17

I am supposed to be a neutral unbiased objective sports reporter, notwithstanding that many would regard me more as a writer of preposterous balderdash and a purveyor of bizarre facts and other useless information which have absolutely nothing to do with hockey. However, as you know, dear reader, I am far form unbiased. George Formby sang about his “Little stick of Blackpool rock”, which, although it is not specifically mentioned in the song, has Blackpool written all the way through it. Well if you cut off my head (please don’t) you might find Bison written all the way through me. And so it was with heavy heart that I watched our team being outplayed, outclassed, outshot and outmuscled (the only out I didn’t see was of the closet variety) so comprehensively in P3 that a 2-1 lead disintegrated into a 2-4 defeat of the most depressing and ignominious kind. So I wasn’t going to write a report about the game. However, I was threatened by the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A that, unless I did, there would be dire consequences. He challenged me to write a report incorporating analogies so revolting that it would put him off his Sunday morning full English. I am not one to shirk a challenge ……..

The Telford Tigers journeyed to the sunny South with hopes of hammering another nail into the coffin of the Milton Keynes Lightning’s title hopes and this they did with an astonishing P3 performance which saw them outshoot their hosts by 20-3 and come from 2-1 behind to secure a 4-2 victory. There are those who would accuse them of playing with a roster they can’t afford, as the reduced contracts their players may be on now would not have attracted them to the club in the first place, but the fact is they are top of the table and have that strong roster and all within EPL rules, so why bother arguing about it? On to the game then.

P1 opened in robust style, although the play was a little scrappy with many passes going astray. However, it was very clear it was going to be a tough competitive game. On 3:38 Adam Long had his collar felt for holding (more than just his stick) and down the steps he went for an incarceration which should have lasted 2 minutes. However, he was out much sooner as on 4:19 with Jones having had barely enough time to warm the penalty box seat Bison scored. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long for a lobbed shot from distance. Jon Baston in the Tigers’ net would have saved it with ease, but, from the netman’s perspective, the action of Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly was as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of a Mongolian tram driver’s gauntlet. Billy thrust his stick into the path of the puck and it deflected (redirected if you prefer) into the net. 1-0 Bison.

There were no more goals in the 1^st and so Bison went in with their 1-0 lead. It wasn’t long after the resumption of hostilities before it was 2-0. Long Ciaron robbed the puck from a dithering dilatory D-man (I am not sure who that was otherwise I could name and shame him). Long was in with Dan Davies waiting at the back door and no Tigers to maul them. For Baston the situation was as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of a trumpet blown by a TB patient on 40 fags a day. Long chose the riskier option of going it alone rather than drawing Baston and passing to Davies who would surely have had an empty net to fire into. It mattered not a jot as Long, possibly with a point to prove to his ex-teammate, scored with a shot over Baston’s shoulder. 2-0 Bison and all looking good. What could possibly go wrong?

3 minutes later a sonorous blast was heard. Referee Boardman pointed at Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird and summarily convicted him of boarding. Off to the glasshouse went Baird. Shortly after the Tigers thought they had scored. The puck entered the net and on went the goal light. However, Mr. Boardman’s hand remained unpointing towards the net. In fact he threw wide his arms as if to say “I caught a fish and it was this big”. No goal. Why not? Net off maybe. The Tigers’ disappointment was short lived as on 28:55 out came Mr. Boardman’s flat pointy hand. Sam Zajac, set up by Sam Oakford, his former Bison teammate, fired a shot goalwards and there was Rick Plant thrusting his twig and deflecting the biscuit past Hiadlovsky. 2-1 Bison and the Tigers very much back in the game, a situation which was as undesirable for Bison as the scrapings from the chopping block of a fish gutter before its weekly wash down.

Never mind they retained their lead as the end of 2^nd buzzer sounded. Before the combatants had left the ice Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer and Sam Zajac let their contrasting views be known to each other. I can throw no light upon what those views might have been, but they appeared as far away from a consensus as would have been Pol Pot and Mother Theresa of Calcutta discussing human rights. Eventually they agreed to differ and they left the ice without a blow exchanged, leaving the blood lust of the Bison crowd to dissipate in disappointment.

It had been a robust even game so far with 19 shots on goal apiece. We were set for what we thought would be a tense and evenly contested final period. However, what we were to witness was as undesirable as the scrapings from the swab dish of a Peruvian boil burster from a Bison perspective as the home team were completely overrun like a 7 stone weakling trying to stop a Saturn V transporter, as I shall relate, dear reader, albeit with heavy heart.

Enter Jason Silverthorn, who was to slam a hatrick. The Tigers wasted no time in their quest to draw level. On 43:32 the Tigers’ skipper received the puck from Milan Kolena, moved inside to a central position and whipped in a low wrist shot. 2-2. Zajac with the second assist.

On 50:10 Bison had a great opportunity to resnatch the lead. A quick break saw Long pass inside to Connolly, but the skipper’s shot was saved by Baston. Billy must have followed through with a slash as he was called for that very offence and into the box he went. So an opportunity to go 3-2 ahead went unfulfilled. The Tigers, on the other hand, took full advantage of their power play opportunity. Doug Clarkson supplied a pass to Silverthorn who skated in on goal and flicked the puck over Hiadlovsky’s shoulder. 3-2 Tigers.

Being outplayed and now behind in the game was as undesirable for Bison as the scrapings from the toe nails a grape treader who had just completed a cross country marathon and gone straight to work. It wasn’t looking promising. However, on 51:35 the Tigers’ Matthew Davies fell foul of the law and was thrown in the can. He took a trip to the box for a trip. Could Bison do what the Tigers had been doing so effectively i.e. score in the 5 on 4? Alas no and, even worse, a minute after their ineffectual power play ended they found themselves on the receiving end of the long arm of the law. But I jump ahead.

In every game calls are missed by the referee. They can’t see everything, even those who have been to Specsavers. However, they should be able to see more than Ray Charles and one wonders whether even he would have missed Desperate Dan Davies having his stick slashed out of his hands so obvious was it to all at Planet Ice. Alas no call was made and, as a result, the crowd became ugly. Before Desperate Dan’s stick had hit the ice (I might be exaggerating there) the Howling Man, the Bespectacled Youth, the Man with 3 Ear-rings and the Crinkly Haired Lady let their contrary opinions be known. Not contrary to each other’s of course, but contrary to the referee’s. They were united in their condemnation and their objections were delivered in typical fashion – in the Howling Man’s case incomprehensibly. The latter looked set to burst a blood vessel. He didn’t, I am pleased to report.

The game moved on and it became increasingly important for Bison had to stay out of the box. The Tigers had a 2 for 2 record on powerplays so far in the game and it would have been as undesirable as scrapings from the inside of a medieval philanderer’s codpiece to give them another opportunity. But alas this is exactly what happened on 50:10. Dangerous Derek Roehl had his collar felt for tripping. Needless to say the Tigers scored again. Silverthorn from Davies from Weaver. How did it go in? Don’t know and don’t care. 4-2 Tigers.

That was it. No more scoring and, as the final buzzer called the proceedings to an end you have to say the better team had won and now look odds on for the EPL title. Matty Davies and Long Ciaron Long were declared Top Bananas.