It's a Trousers Down Spanking for Hapless Phoenix

Bison 5 Manchester Phoenix 1

22/2/14

Having snatched EPL top spot from the Manchester Phoenix with a midweek downing of the dirty Dogs in Sheffield, Bison entertained Phoenix at Planet Ice last night. If they won they would give themselves an outside chance of the title. They had to achieve three objectives. Firstly, they had to win the game. Secondly, they had to win in regular time and thus deny Phoenix a point for an overtime game. Thirdly, they had to outplay their nearest rivals and give them such a trousers down spanking (a painful dose of corporal castigation to put it another way) which would serve to demoralise Phoenix in their title run in. All three boxes were well and truly ticked.

From the first puck drop Bison went for the throat like a rabid stoat and were much the better side in P1. It did, however, take them 16 minutes to find the net and when they did it was a comedy classic for hapless Phoenix netminder Steve Fone. Set up by Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds, Bison Skipper Nicky Chinn fired in a wrist shot. We heard a thud as Fone saved with his pad, but the puck deflected behind the goal line where Cuddly Joe Greener picked it up. With Fone forward of his net, Joe saw his opportunity. He lobbed the puck onto Fone’s back and into the goal it went. 1-0 Bison. If Planet Ice could be likened to the Sea of Tranquility before the goal, it was a case of “Houston we have lift off” when it was scored as the home fans universally reached for the stars, their Jupiterian celebrations erupting like a booster rocket to mark the Bison enterprise. Into a metaphorical outer space they went. To infinity and beyond. 

Only 25 seconds later it was 2-0. The Bespectacled Youth described the goal thus………..Wales served up apple sauce onto Andy Melons’s twig. He proved he was no grocery stick, as he wheeled in with salad flowing and at the hash marks he ripped a snipe and the biccie flew in top ched making the tendy look like Swiss. The twine bulged. He celly’d hard with his linies. Anyone fancy translating that? Leave your version in the comments section below. Otherwise see footnote.

The period ended and in the interval we all wondered if we were going to see more of the same in P2. Mystic Jo gazed into her crystal ball, Oxobloke gazed into his cup of Oxo and the Desperate Dan lookalike gazed wistfully towards the food bar thinking of cow pies. They were not to be disappointed as more of the same was exactly what we got. Bison went for the throat once again and very soon it was 3-0 as I shall relate.

On 22 minutes Bentham attracted the ire of officialdom by spooning the puck over the plexi. Judge Cloutman made the decision. There was no need for him to don robes and a wig. It was a summary trial and sentence with no appeal. To the penalty box for 2 minutes went the hapless Bentham. But alas Bison power played for only 32 seconds and then Nicky Chinn was hooked into the box for hooking. It was now 4 on 4 and the extra space thereby created enabled Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov to create a goal for Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino with skating and stick handling which exhibited qualities of speed, grace, sorcery and balance that would have impressed Usain Bolt, Margot Fonteyn, Merlin and the Great Blondin respectively (the Great who? Google him). It was a cameo of pure genius as the Czech picked up the puck in his own defensive zone from Rabbits Foot Joe Baird’s pass. As he skated forward we were treated to a dazzling display of foot and hand, combining power with subtlety, as he eluded challenge after challenge. He drew the goaltender and then squared a pass to Andy Melons who had a massive extent of unguarded net to fire into. 3-0 Bison. A crescendo of noise erupted in the Bison blocks. Some cried “Hip-pip!” Others answered “Hooray!” The Man with 3 Ear-rings shouted “Nanu-Nanu!” And the Howling Man? He just howled. 

The homesters surged further ahead in the 28^th minute. Long Ciaron Long was set up by Cuddly Joe Greener. Long Ciaron’s shot was saved by Fone, but the rebound went straight to Nicky Chinn, who roofed it. As the crowd showed their approbation, the Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, conveyed news of the goal to his friends, the Man from MI6 and the Man from the KGB, using his pen radio, borrowed from the Man from UNCLE.

Could it get any worse for the visitors? Yes it could, for, only 28 seconds later it was 5-0 and the executioner was once again the fleet footed ice conjurer Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. Tomas’s current form is hotter than a chilli pepper tindaloo cooked with extra chillies and laced with a dash of Chillipepper Pete's Liquid Fire Chilli Sauce. A hat-trick against the Dogs in midweek brought his season’s goal tally to 37 in league and cup. He was about to clock up goal number 38. Put in by Matt “The Tank” Selby and Andy Melons, Karpov surged forward on the breakaway. This was not the time to dawdle, amble, saunter, loaf around or tarry a while. He left the covering D men to do those things, as he accelerated, precipitated, hastened and hurried towards the goal. To catch him the D had to show pace, finesse, poise and tenacity. Instead we got ineptitude, lethargy, listlessness and torpidity as they floundered in the wake of the Bison forward. The D men failed, but could Fone stop the express train that is Tomas Karpov? No he couldn’t. The puck raced through his 5-hole to trigger another explosion of unrestrained celebration amongst the Bison backers, possibly tinged with a soupçon of disbelief at how easy a task it was proving. The Phoenix fans had hoped their D would be as solid as a rock. However, they had been caught between a rock and a hard place. Bison had rocked their boat and the Manchester men were now looking decidedly rocky. Their D simply hadn’t rocked up. The 5^th goal rocked them back on their heels and their fans, their hopes on the rocks, were beginning to go off their rockers. In contrast the Bison blocks were rocking.

The concession of goal number 5 prompted Coach Hand to call a time out in an attempt to steady the ship. They were in stormy waters and all at sea. They had to batten down the hatches or Bison would sail over the horizon, leaving the visitors to flounder in their wake, but, with ship wreck style defending, they were playing as if three sheets to the wind. They had to fire a shot across the Bison bows or their hopes would well and truly descend into Davy Jones’s locker. But their chances of winning from a well below decks position of 0-5 and drifting without a compass were realistically hanging from the highest yardarm.  They needed to shiver the Bison timbers and this they did. On 35 minutes Michal Psurny passed forward from the slot to Frankie Bakrlik in front of the net. He skinned Dean Skinns through the 5-hole and it was 1-5. Robin Kovar was announced as the second assistant to the goal.

 Before venturing further in this narrative, I must inform you of a scandalous incident which erupted shortly after the time out. Rabbits Foot Joe Baird’s check on Andy McKinney was not liked by the latter. Taking vigilante action, he, the aforementioned latter, bundled the aforementioned former to the ice from behind and, lying on top of him like a copulating turtle, hammered away at his adversary in a most dishonourable and uncivilised fashion. “2 + 2 + 2” was the punishment meted out to McKinney.

Back to the current action. Whatever it was that Coach Hand said obviously worked as no more pucks were put past Fone in the 2^nd. The period, which, like the 1^st, Bison had dominated, ended and into the 3^rd we went. The game went a little flat with Bison obviously feeling they had done enough and not wanting to throw their advantage away with suicidal offense. There was no further scoring and, as the clocked ticked down the Bison faithful la-la’ed the traditional “Great Escape” as they sprang to their feet like so many Jack-in-the-boxes (or is it more correctly Jacks-in-the-box or even Jacks-in-the-boxes? Quite frankly who cares?). The fat lady was now singing so loudly that she would have drowned out even the Howling Man, had he chosen to deliver one of his purple vein throbbing diatribes of objection. With Bison heading for a win, however, there was no need for him to broadcast any adverse views on the standard of officiating which he may have harboured and he remained silently content with the proceedings. The rest were noisily content.

Goal number 2 : Wales put a saucer pass onto Melanchrino’s stick. He proved he was no fill in player, as he skated in at speed and at the hash marks released a wrist shot that flew into the top corner of the net, making the goaltender look full of holes. The net bulged. He celebrated well with his line mates.

Did the Earth Move For You, Slough Jets? No but the Net Did.

Bison 7 Slough Jets 2

15/2/14

Do you know the differences between a lesser spotted woodpecker, a willow tit and a wood warbler.  If you do, you’re clearly a higher order ornithologist than me. Not difficult as I’m not one at all, although I can just about tell the difference between a robin and an ostrich. What relevance has this to last night’s game between Bison and the Slough Jets? None at all. Except that if you likening Bison to a bird on last night’s performance then you would choose that great bird of prey the Golden Eagle. In contrast, the Jets were more akin to a sparrow and a weedy one at that. A more one sided hockey game you couldn’t imagine and with a shot count of 57-9 against them it was quite amazing that the Jets avoided being buried under an even greater avalanche of goals. Their bacon was saved by a fine goaltending display in periods 2 and 3 and a net which just would not stay on its moorings – naughty net.

Despite their early domination it took Bison 9 minutes to open their account. It was a cracking move, free flowing, fast and furious. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn passed cross ice to Cuddly Joe Greener who passed forward to Long Ciaron Long. Cutting in from the left, Long Ciaron found the net with a low wrist shot and it was 1-0 Bison.

Only a minute later it was 2-0. Coach Sheppard and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov ground the puck out from the boards and suddenly Aaron “Billy” Connolly was away and bearing in on goaltender Andrej Vasiljevic. The hapless Russian could not prevent Billy from deking and sliding the puck across the line. 2-0 Bison.

As the period drew to a close there was a sudden explosion of goals, 3 in merely a minute and a half, which had the visiting supporters hanging their heads in shame. Their team’s capitulation was an embarrassment of cringe worthy proportions.  Many of them doubtless wished they could be borne away from that place of torment. 

Goal number 3 was a scruffy affair. The Outlaw Muzzy Wales sent Grandmanster Karpov away behind the net. He emerged the other side and his centring pass was eventually forced over the line by Andy “Machinegun” Melachrino.

Goal number 4 was scored when Connolly slotted home a rebound form Lumberjack Joe Rand’s shot. Matt “The Tank” Selby was adjudged the worthy recipient of the second assist.

Goal number 5 saw Jets D work plumbing the depths, as I shall relate. But first I must advise you that Cuddly Joe Greener had challenged Mindy Kieras to a duel by dropping his gloves. The lethal Lithuanian, declined his challenge. Joe with gloves off and posturing in a threatening manner was enough for the officials and he was sent up the river to do 2 minutes’ worth of porridge in the slammer. 16 seconds into the Jets’ power play, they carelessly turned over the puck mid ice and Lumberjack Joe Rand was away. Joe’s progress forward was achieved with artistry, acceleration, alacrity and agility. The D-men couldn’t keep up. By comparison their movement looked slow, sleepy, slothful and sluggish. He deked in front of net and slid the puck home for a short handed goal. It was 5-0 Bison. The goal detonated an explosion of hoopla and hullaballoo amongst the Bison backers as they hurrah’d and huzzah’d their appreciation. In contrast there were scenes of despair and depression amongst the Jets’ faithful as they greeted the goal with disapproval and downright disappointment. As a Mafia godfather might put it, the visitors’ aspirations of winning, thanks to that 3 goal burst, were now sleeping with the fishes.

The period ended with the Jets 5-0 to the bad and having been outshot by a staggering 24-1. Things couldn’t have been hotter for the goaltender than if he had been hurled headlong into a vat of Zakk Wylde's Berserker Shot To Hell Hot Sauce (it really exists – Google it if you don’t believe me). Many coaches would have pulled him at this point, but Coach Moran held faith with the Russian backstopper and his faith was repaid as his hitherto hapless netman went on to prove almost as impenetrable as the iron curtain with a display which earned him the Jets’ Top Banana award. He faced 33 shots in periods 2 and 3 and was beaten only twice. Well 4 times actually but more about that in a minute. 

Early in P3 everyone in Planet Ice except the officials noticed that the Jets’ net had moved off its moorings, but play continued. Mr Thompson had been staring straight at the goal, but had failed to spot the dislodgement. He might just as well have been Mister Magoo, Stevie Wonder or Louis Braille. Even the crowd shouting “Net off moorings” failed to register the problem with the officials. The Howling Man in particular had cranked himself up to a Richter scale protest, but all to no avail. The play had moved up ice, but now the puck was back in the Jets’ defensive zone. Suddenly from the point Karpov cracked an unstoppable clapper. The slap shot flew into the net as straight as a bolt fired from William Tell’s crossbow. On came the red light, up went the crowd. “No goal,” said the officials. Only now had they noticed that the net had moved. The crowd turned ugly. The Howling Man bellowed “How much are Slough paying you, Thompson?” Mr. Thompson declined to comment.

That was to prove the only time Bison managed to get the puck in the net in the period. Despite being outshot by 17-4 in the period, it was the Jets who would score the only goal of P2. This occurred in the 28^th minute. A 2 on 1 breakaway. Waller sent Line and the follically challenged Matt Towalski away. The latter finished top shelf from the wrist and the arrears had been reduced to 1-5.

On 31 minutes goaltender Vasiljevic was caught red handed moving the net off its moorings and banged to rights. Rose went to the glasshouse to serve the penalty. During the resultant power play the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired lady became animated in the extreme. They raised their protests to the rafters in such a rivet loosening fashion that the very structural integrity of Planet Ice was threatened. What was their beef? The Jets had too many imports on the ice. Their objection went unsustained.

The buzzer signalled an end to P2 proceedings with the Jets having bagged the only goal of the period. Could they come back from what had been a disastrous position at the end of the 1^st? They had looked down and out and had been playing like a load of down and outs. Now at the end of the 2^nd they were merely 4 goals to the bad. Some though they could launch a revival. But I cannot say from which planet these people were. Mars? Jupiter? Ork? (Only 40 + year olds will remember Robin Williams as Mork from Ork). Realistically a comeback just wasn’t going to happen, as long as Bison’s dominance continued and so it proved.

3 minutes into the final period it was 6-1. Chinn and Greener combined to set up Karpov. Tomas twinkle toed through the Jets’ D as if they didn’t exist, deked and scored. Someone opened the sluice gate and unrestrained merriment, frenzied celebration and gloating jubilation gushed forth from the Bison blocks, leaving the Jets’ fans to adopt feelings of torment and  melancholic perturbation.

5 minutes later Bison fell foul of the net off moorings rule once again, this time whilst on a power play with Kaminskas doing a stretch for slashing. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba fired in a slap shot from the point. The puck thudded against Vasiljevic’s pad, but the rebound was picked up by Lumberjack Joe Rand in front of the crease. He deked and Vasiljevic backed up, backed up and backed up. Eventually the puck crossed the goal line, but by then the Russian miscreant had shifted the net off and the goal was expunged. “Net off “ was what the referee said and consequently it was declared a bad goal. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt was moved to question referee Cloutman’s sanity with a shout of “Clouts! Have you gone off your moorings?”

On 55 minutes the Jets bagged another. Matt Towalski, who sounds like an import but isn’t, set up by Danny Rose, fired in a shot from wide left producing a fine pad save from Dean Skinns. Alas the puck deflected wide right where Temple was lurking. Shirley Temple? No Eddie Temple, but he looks almost as young. He hammered the puck home, much to the annoyance of the Bison netman. Well why wouldn’t he be cross? The Jets had miraculously scored 2 goals from nothing more than a handful of shots on target, but Deano could have stopped neither. Nevertheless it was 6-2.

6-2 became 7-2 with the final score of the night on 58 minutes. The Outlaw Muzzy Wales put in Grandmaster Karpov, who scored from close in. Let’s not gloss over the problems, paper over the cracks or rake over the coals the Jets had been bowled over, rolled over and knocked over. They looked hung over, and had had their chances kicked over and their D run over, as Bison had jumped all over them until they had keeled over. The party was over and the fat lady was singing Roy Orbison’s “It’s Over”. Their performance, far from having the speed, manoeuvrability and grace of a jet aeroplane had been more akin to Blériot’s monoplane, but, thanks to a splendid goaltending display from Vasiljevic and the net repeatedly moving off its moorings, they had managed to keep the score to a respectable level and avoid an even worse trousers down spanking that they eventually received after being put through the mangle in the 1^st. Connolly was elected Bison’s Top Banana.

Bison Finds the Chinks in Rock Solid Lyle's Defense

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 2

8/2/14

A close encounter made so by top drawer goaltending from Bison old boy Stonewall Stevie Lyle finished with the home team securing a win most vital in their quest for EPL honours. Although outshooting the Cats by 40-19, Bison found Lyle a hard nut to crack, but a crackable nut he eventually proved.

Bison were quick off the mark with a score as early as the 2^nd minute. With Alex Symonds doing a stretch for hooking, Bison bagged a power play goal. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba found Coach Sheppard who in turn found Aaron “Billy” Connolly unmarked in the slot. For Billy this was no time to hold on, hold fire, put things on hold, or hold a conference about what he was going to do. There was no-one to hold his hand, but he was holding all the aces and the Cats’ D couldn’t hold out or hold Connolly at bay as he took hold of the opportunity and hammered the puck no holds barred past the goaltender with a “Get hold of that if you can”. Basingstoke Gazette hold the front page You couldn’t expect the Bison crowd to hold back, hold their tongues or hold down the noise. Some were even getting hold of their friends on their phones to relay the score.

All seemed to be going well for Bison until the 14^th minute. Whilst on another power play, a slashing Henri Sandvik the convict on this occasion, they fell victim to that most embarrassing and ignominious type of goal – a shortie. Jonas Höög sent the deadly Aaron Nell away on a lightning break. The covering D man, Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba, proved less than marvellous on this occasion as he could do nothing to prevent Nell from racing forward and rifling the puck past Bison netman Dean Skinns with the accuracy of a dart thrown by Phil “The Power” Taylor. It was Nell’s 21^st of the season and he has played only 14 games. What a player he is.

No sooner had the 2^nd period opened than it was 2-1 Bison. Set up by Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds”, the Outlaw Muzzy Wales saw his shot saved and deflected behind the goal line by Stonewall Stevie Lyle. Stevie went walkabout and tried to freeze the puck, but had it nicked from him by Tomas “Gransmaster” Karpov. The man who was once described as “a quick little bugger” by Nicky Chinn lived up to his captain’s billing as he took the puck around the back of the net and back handed in a wraparound attempt with the net gaping open like a yawning hippopotamus and Stonewall Stevie stranded on the opposite post. The goal made the Bison faithful want to queue the brass band and break out the bunting to herald their team’s success, but neither could be located. They would have danced a farinagholkajingo had they known what one was. I don’t know either so don’t ask me.

A couple of minutes later the crowd were treated to a piece of vintage Doug Sheppard. Intercepting a pass in his own defensive zone he was fleet of foot as he sliced thought the opposition. With sleight of hand, he dazzled and dumfounded the Cats D-men as if an illusionist, but the reality of it was that there were no smoke or mirrors involved. Fortunately for the latter Lyle blocked Maple Leaf Doug’s shot. It was a wonderful cameo of skating and stick handling skill.

Halfway through the period the Cats levelled it on the power play. With Nicky Chinn thrown in the can for slashing the Cats pressed forward. Jan Kostal shaped to take a slap shot from the point. Goaltender Dean Skinns looked calm, but this must have been a misleading illusion. How could he be tranquil when he was in danger of having his head taken off by a rocket powered slapshot? Nevertheless he stood up to it and saved but the rebound went straight to an unmarked Sam Bullas in the slot and he found the net. When I say that I don’t mean that the net had gone missing and Bullas discovered it in its place of hiding, but you didn’t think I meant that anyway did you? It was all square at 2-2.

3 minutes later it should have been 3-2 to the Cats but the Bison net was moved off its moorings by the skates of Dean Skinns as he executed his characteristic splits save to stop a Sandvik shot. The shot flew in over him, but the net had already moved and the officials said “No.”

On 35 minutes a check of the most opprobrious and unsavoury variety, from behind with elbow raised, was perpetrated on Coach Sheppard by Höög. The Bison coach was sent piling into the boards and then to the ice like a sack of potatoes. There was an explosion of anger and protestation from the Bison blocks. The Crinkly Haired Lady became incandescent, the Howling Man incomprehensible, the Bespectacled Youth inconsolable and the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt incontinent. After a long delay Shep was helped from the ice and Höög was helped to the box. The Crinkly Haired Lady let her opinion about what would be an appropriate punishment be known. “Chuck him out! Get him off!” Howling Man concurred. “Give him a game!” And indeed the officials concurred because the Swedish assailant was initially given a 5 + match, but this was later downgraded to a 5 + game when Coach Sheppard returned to the ice for the 3^rd period.

The 5 on 4 power play became an even handed 4 on 4 when the Outlaw Muzzy Wales had his collar felt for tripping and then right at the end of the period Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, playing his 500^th EPL game, chased though and slashed at Lyle’s pads as he froze the puck, an action for which he would receive a 2 minute penalty and the attention of Lyle’s outraged team mates, who took Joe to task behind the net. Thankfully the proceedings did not escalate to the next level and a violent affray of the most shameful variety was avoided. What the penalty meant was that Bison, who began with Höög’s ejection with a 5 on 4, which became a 4 on 4 when Muzzy Wales was outlawed, would be defending a 3 on 4 at the beginning of the 3^rd with Rabbits Foot Joe in the can, which became a 3 on 5, then a 4 on 5, then back to even handed teams. Confusing eh? The end result was that no-one scored.

By the 50^th minute Stonewall Stevie Lyle had stopped everything in the last 30 minutes of play and was looking as impregnable as the Maginot Line. The glass half empty pessimists among the Bison backers began to descend into a slough of despond. “We’re not going to find a way past Lyle,” said the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs Shirt. “We will in a minute,” said Mystic Jo and she was right. On 54 minutes it was 3-2 Bison. Cuddly Joe Greener, skating towards the net from the left wing, cut the puck back to Nicky Chinn, whose shot was saved but not frozen. Cuddly Joe’s momentum took him around the back of the goal and, as he emerged at the back door, there was the unfrozen puck in the blue paint with a floundering Lyle down on the ice. Joe stabbed in to fulfil Mystic Jo’s prediction. The Bison backers looked as happy as Happy Harry. They were as happy as Larry, as happy as sandboys and as happy as a dog with two tails. In fact so happy, they looked as if they had dosed up on happy pills. But these were not required as Bison’s 3^rd goal provided them with the high they needed. 

As the clock ticked down, Zach “Sully” Sullivan took a stick to the face and shed blood right in front of Referee O’Halloran. Remember the three wise monkeys? One spoke no evil, one heard no evil and one saw no evil. Mr O’Halloran seemed akin to the latter wise monkey because, although only feet away and looking straight at the incident, he saw no evil. Did he have his hands over his eyes like the wise monkey? No. It was a bizarre decision or rather lack of one.

The Cats pulled Lyle from the net in a last desperate attempt to square the game. Then with only 2.4 seconds remaining they called a time out. Heaven knows why. What tactical instruction that Coach Aldridge might give could possibly be enacted in 2.4 seconds of play? Well nothing really. And so it proved. The final buzzer sounded and the Cats’ hopes of winning the game were given the order of the boot, ground into the turf, elbowed aside, blown away, hurled out of the window. It had been a game made close by the heroics of Stonewall Stevie Lyle, who had faced 40 shots and was beaten by only 3. The ever impressive Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds picked up the Bison Top Banana award for yet another dazzling display on the blue line. Swindon’s award went to Ollie Betteridge. Strangely enough Lyle didn’t get it. He should have. However, in the final analysis Mystic Jo had been right. He could be beaten and was.

Smart Game Plan by MK Pays Dividends

Bison 2 Milton Keynes Lightning 3

1/2/14

Last night saw a well deserved road win for a short benched Milton Keynes Lightning with a resolute and disciplined performance. Allowing Bison little space, they were called for only 2 penalties in the entire game and took their chances well.

The game opened in lively fashion. Bison, playing at high tempo, tested MK goaltender Stephen Wall on several occasions and looked as if they were going to carry on where they left off against the Flames (see previous report). However, Wall proved to be a brick wall not an unstable wall like those of Jericho and the early storm was weathered. In fact, it was MK who grabbed the lead midway through the 1^st. Captain Blaz Emersic, whose former clubs include the Rio Grande Killer Bees and the Utah Grizzlies (great names), worked the puck behind the net. Try as they might the Bison players were unable to dispossess him as he twisted and turned, wriggled and jiggled hither and thither, this way then that until finally he picked out a pass from behind the goal line into the slot where Christie lurked. Was it Agatha Christie? No it was Lewis Christie and there was no mystery about what he was going to do. He snapped the puck past Dean Skinns for 1-0 Lightning.

On 26 minutes MK doubled their lead with as slick a goal as you are ever likely to see. Stanislav Lascek broke down the left, evaded the covering D man’s challenge and squared the puck to Adam Carr who had raced forward with no-one to challenge him. The Bison D were caught on the break and on the hop, without so much as a by your leave and it was as if Carr had been accompanied by a Medieval bubonic plague bell ringer chanting “Unclean, unclean” because no-one came near him. But there was no such bellringer and Carr’s finish was as clean as clean could be. He rifled in a top shelf wrist shot past Skinns glove side. Further assist to Leigh Jamieson. 2-0 Lightning.

The MK net had a habit of moving off its moorings. The hand (or rather skate) of Wall was the suspected cause by the Bison backers. On the 3^rd occasion the crowd became ugly, particularly on the fringes of Blocks B and C where the Howling Man and the crinkly Haired Lady reside. They both blazed away at Wally and also the referee for failing to make a delay of the game call. His words of disagreement were delivered like a stream of lead slugs fired from the barrel of a Thompson sub-machine gun. She went off like a 12 gauge and gave it both barrels. You could say they were just as noisy and almost as deadly.

Coach Sheppard must have been inwardly doing his nut. In a nutshell, the Lightning D was proving a hard nut to crack. Any nutcase could see that. Was there a nuts and bolts solution or was Maple Leaf Doug going to need a sledgehammer to crack a nut? Well actually no. All he needed was Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov. With the clock ticking towards the 37 minute mark Bison finally expunged any shut out hopes Wally may have had. Put in by Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds and the Outlaw Muzzy Wales, Karpov evaded the Lightning D as he moved forward with the balance of a tight rope walker, the dexterity of a juggler, the authority of a lion tamer and the daring of a trapeze artist. From wide right he fired in a shot which Wally saved. However, much to the hapless goaltender’s chagrin, the puck rebounded straight back to Karpov who fired in a second shot. Wally saved again, but sent another rebound straight back to the Bison forward. This time he was out of position and an inviting gap had appeared between him and post for Karps to slide in the puck on the forehand. It was 1-2.

Bison now had the momentum and piled forward with new vigour. Could they snatch an equaliser before the period’s end? MK needed to take the sting out of situation and, credit to them, they didn’t crumble like a cake with insufficiently mixed ingredients and baked on too high a temperature (Cake Lady can tell you more about that). They stood firm, weathered the storm and even drew a penalty, the first of the game, as the period ended. Cuddly Joe Greener was called for charging. He didn’t like the decision, but his appeal fell on deaf ears and Joe had to start the 3^rd period in the box.

With Joe banged up MK took full advantage and romped into a 3-1 lead with 41 seconds of the penalty remaining. Fed by Janne Jokila, Lukas Zatopek fired in a wrist shot from the point. Skinns saved but the rebound went straight to Grant McPherson who popped it in and it was 3-1 Lightning. The goal caused the Bison faithful to adopt feelings of wretchedness and woebegoneness (that is actually a real word you know).

Bison had harboured high hopes of getting back on level terms, but the goal had cruelly snatched away the cup of hope and it was back to an uphill struggle. MK were playing a tight game, allowing Bison so little space in sharp contrast to the Flames in the previous game where the spaces were so wide open that Bison rattled in 8. The miserly way which the Lightning denied space would have impressed Scrooge. Another aspect of their game which was to prove telling was their discipline It was not until the 48th minutes that they were finally called for a penalty. The whistle blew and up went 6 Thompson fingers (well to be pedantically accurate 4 fingers and 2 thumbs). “Too many men on the ice,” said he. “MK take a 2 minute bench minor.” Could Bison take advantage? Alas for their suffering fans, they could not. In fact, the best chance of the power play fell to Stanislav Lascek, who nearly bagged a shortie. On the break he was in on Skinns, but Skinns was not skinned and saved brilliantly.

Before the penalty had expired, Wall had an uncomfortable moment when a Greener slap shot from the blue line went through his 5-hole but hit his leg and deflected wide with no-one on hand to stuff it in.

2 minutes later MK were called for another penalty. Michael Farn tripped Lumberjack Joe Rand as he worked the puck behind the goal line. Joe got back on his feet and carried on whereupon Farn tripped him again. The whistle had blown and Mr. Thompson’s arm was raised aloft. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt stuck his arms in the air with a 2 fingered Winston Churchill style victory salute on each hand “2 + 2. A penalty for each trip,” he optimistically requested. But that was never going to happen and off to the dungeon that is the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box went Farn for merely a 2 minute stretch.

Although they couldn’t take advantage of the power play, 40 seconds after Farn’s period of custody expired they made it a one goal game. Set up by Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard and Zach “Sully” Sullivan, Aaron “Billy” Connolly fired in a shot which deflected off Wall’s glove, over his shoulder and in. Still facing to the front, the first the hapless goaltender must have become aware that puck was in was when he heard the spontaneous and spirited reaction from the Bison backers which could be described as not only tremendous and tumultuous, but also prodigious and preposterous, outrageous and obstreperous. Back to only a goal in it with 5 minutes remaining. Could Bison snatch another to level the game? Well no as it proved. As the seconds ticked away MK stood their ground, stood toe to toe with Bison and stood tall. Even with Deano pulled from the net and 6 on 5 for the last minute they could not find a way though the resolute Lightning D. In fact it was MK who had the best chance in the closing stages, but a characteristic poke check by Zach “Sully” Sullivan took the puck away from the marauding MK forward with the empty net gaping as wide as the Grand Canyon. The buzzer sounded and in that instant Bison thoughts of winning the game has become a distant memory, a pipe dream, an unfulfilled fantasy, a not to be, a never was. 

Footnote : Now the real reason Bison lost. I have previously mentioned the routines of Rabbits Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, one of which is being last on the ice at the beginning of every period. Well last night was Muzzy Wales’s 500^th game and he was last on the ice instead of Joe to skate through the guard of honour. Joe’s routine was broken. ‘Nuff said.