Bison Cash in on Scott's Insanity

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 5 (OT)

28/12/19

Do teeth have skin? Of course they don’t. They have enamel. At least real ones do. Unlike the dentures that our favourite septuagenarian drops into a glass of water by his bed every night – eh Red Leader? I can throw no light on the origin of the expression “by the skin of your teeth”, but we all know what it means and those present at Planet Ice last night for the visit of the Raiders will know that this game truly was a skin of the teeth win, the equalising goal coming 3.8 seconds before the end of regulation time, which enabled Bison to snatch it in overtime. But I jump ahead, so let’s go all the way back to P1.

Bison needed to bang in a shedload of goals after their underperformance in recent matches with loads of shots, but very few goals. This they achieved, but they didn’t bank on having 5 knocked past them which made their task of winning the game a trifle difficult. Lady Jane Grey was Queen of England for only 9 days in 1553. The scoresheet remained blank for a very short period also, well not 9 days, but 3 minutes and 21 seconds to be precise. On 2:33 Tom Ralph was called for elbows. A shout of “Oi mate. Are you ‘avin’ a Turkish?” was directed at the referee from Block C. But no, Ref Matthews wasn’t having a Turkish and Ralph was thrown in the can. The men from the Smoke (well just outside the Smoke these days) took advantage when Oliver Alfie C. Baldock (that’s how he’s depicted on the game sheet – how odd) whipped in  a low shot past Alex “Mittens” Mettam, Sean Barry and Lukas Sladovsky assisting. 1-0 Raiders.

Bison surged forward in search of a leveller, but they were having no luck in front of the Raiders’ net, which was being admirably defended by Ethan James, who surely possesses the best hair in the NIHL – very Jimi Hendrix-esque, but longer (that’s him below – Hendrix that is, not James). Players and fans alike were becoming as frustrated as a flasher in an empty park. Eventually the Man in Charlestown Chiefs shirt cried in a manner most plaintiff, which illustrated his despair and anguish at the fact that the just expiring power play had not borne fruit, to Liam “Square Sausage” Morris as he dawdled on the puck at the point, “Have a shot”. Morris must have heard him, as have a shot was exactly what he did. Lurking close to the back door to redirect the puck past a startled James and into the stringbag was Sam Talbot. This resulted in the Man in the Chiefs shirt to cast aside his feelings of irritated vexation and adopt new ones of animated felicitation in common with those around him. Strangely enough the solitary assistant to Talbot was declared as Adam Harding, but it was definitely the Square Sausage who had taken the shot. Oh well never mind. 1-1.

And so at parity the period ended. The Raiders started the 2^nd in a wacko-the-diddle-o manner just as they had started the 1^st with a goal after 2 minutes. Sladovsky, assisted by Barry and Blahoslav Novak, fired in at close range 1-2 Raiders.

Bison stormed back in to level it once more on 28:27 with a zim-zam-zaramango power play strike. On 26:53 Daniel Fuller (no relation to Blind Boy Fuller, which of course he wouldn’t be as Blind Boy Fuller’s real name was Fulton Allen – you knew that didn’t you? That’s him below – Fulton not Dan that is) scooped the puck over the plexi. “Oi geezer,” said Ref Matthews in language that the London born Fuller would understand, “you’ve bleedin’ well delayed my game. Are you ‘avin’ a Turkish? I’m feelin’ your collar for that, me old china”. But just as Ref Matthews wasn’t having a Turkish when he sent Ralph to the box earlier, Fuller wasn’t having one now. It was a fair cop and down the steps went the errant fellow to reflect on his misdeed. It was to prove a costly misdemeanour as on 28:27 Sean Norris served up apple sauce (What? That’s hockey slang for delivering a saucer pass) from behind the goal to Alex Sampford in front. Bang. The net bulged, the goal light came on, arms went up, the Matthews pointy flat hand pointed flatly and netwardsly, Bison backers cheered, dogs barked and donkeys brayed. 2-2. Dangling Dick Bordowski with the second assist.

P2 ended with no more goals. P3 opened and it was to prove a veritable goal fest resulting from a cornucopia of purple plays at both ends of the ice – yes indeed a smorgasbord of entertainment. Bison seemed to have the momentum, but then disaster struck, perhaps not on the scale of the Great Fire of London (see below), the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 or the collapse of the Sint Servaasbrug bridge in Maastrict in 1275 (The what? Better Google that one). But a disaster nevertheless, as Jake Sylvester bagged a couple, the first assisted by Brandon Ayliffe and Eric Piatak, the second by Ayliffe and Fuller. 2-4 Raiders and Ooo Betty, Bison.

Things were looking grim for Bison. They were firing in enough shots, but were again failing to find the gaps between James and his goal frame. Then on 47:34 Baldock hooked. The dictionary definition of hook is “a curved or angular piece of metal or other hard substance for catching, pulling, holding, or suspending something”. Does this include the Baldock stick? Yes it does. At the time of the California gold rush of the 1840s Placerville in California became known as Hangtown, due to the propensity of the town judiciary to seek a swifter and more permanent punishment for offenders than would be achieved by a programme of conciliation, reformation and appeasement. Luckily for Baldock Ref Matthews belonged more in the latter camp than the former, maybe because he couldn’t find a rope, and off to the slammer went the miscreant for only a 2 minute stretch. As events transpired Baldock’s porridge didn’t last that long. On 47:34 Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones whipped home an Ooo Mr. Rigsby wrist shot from the slot. Assists were doled out to Michal Klejna and Norris. 3-4 Raiders.

Bison had at last seized the momentum, but in true Tantalus fashion, the cup was to be snatched from their lips once more only 2 minutes later when Sladowsky whipped in his second, Ayliffe and Dan Scott, who would later cost his team the game (I jump ahead), assisting. 3-5 Raiders. Ooo Matron for them, more Oooo Betty and back to the drawing board for Bison. The homesters needed to purple-ise (that’s not a real word by the way) their play or all would be lost.

The first step towards purpleness was achieved on 53:34 when Elliott Dewey’s speculative shot was tipped in by Klejna. Tait with the second assist, The deficit now reduced to 4-5. They now had 6 and a half minutes to find a leveller. This was Battle of Camerón stuff (Battle of what? See footnote 1). Well not quite as no-one died, but it was all hands on deck, all hands to the pump and all leave cancelled for the besieged Raiders. But Bison could find no way through and they entered the last chance saloon. With 1:19 remaining the signal to pull Mettam was made. Had the means deployed to pull the goaltender from the net had been proportional to the urgency to do so, a gang of muscle bound weight lifters would have rushed onto the ice to drag the netman kicking and screaming from the ice. But Mettam was no slouch and he raced unassisted to the bench with such speed that he that he would he have beaten Mark Cavendish in a sprint finish on the Champs Élysées. On came the extra skater for a final hurrah 6 on 5. Could Bison grab a goal and deliver a perfectly beastly kick in the unmentionables to the Raiders? Yes they could, but it was last gasp stuff to be sure as you will learn when you read the next paragraph, dear reader.

With only 3.8 seconds left on the clock the puck went as loose as a goose in front of the Raiders’ net. A scene of abject insanity ensued. It seemed like one big mad house with a bunch of deranged lunatics maniacally stabbing at the puck in a frantic and frenzied manner. Eventually Sampford forced the puck over the line for his second goal of the game and it was 5-5. Now it was the Bison crowd’s turn to lose their marbles as they instantly turned into a delirious mob of unhinged madmen (and women) wildly cheering and waving their arms in the air as if sanity had deserted them. Assists to Klejna and Harding.

And so into overtime we passed. It was to prove a monumental disaster for the Raiders all resulting from an act of violence of the most unspeakable ghastliness 37 seconds into the period. The perpetrator, who made Thug Behram, murderer of over 900 people (see footnote 2), look like a fluffy pussycat, was Dan Scott. He checked Liam Morris from behind in a most unpleasant fashion and sent him headlong into the boards, causing him a serious degree of discomfort. Blood gushed from Square Sausage’s head and he lay crumpled on the ice, a prostrate victim of the most beastly thuggery. As far as Scott was concerned, it was an act of monumental insanity (order the man a straitjacket). Ref Matthews doled out a 5 + game to Scott, meaning the Raiders would have to play the rest of the overtime period defending a 4 on 3. Could they hold out? Well actually no. It cost them the game, of course, but not straight away. The Raiders 3 and goaltender James redoubled their efforts into a Camerón style defense of their net. Bison nearly won it when Klejna fired a shot towards an empty net, but netman James threw out his arm and his glove swallowed up the puck like an amoeba ingesting a particle of food. The Raiders lived to fight another day. But not for long. On 62:29 the issue was settled. Bordowski slewed a cross ice pass to Norris with an entreaty to lay his lumber on the biscuit, although he probably didn’t actually say that. But Norris knew what was required and lay his lumber on the biscuit was exactly what he did. The puck flew past James, who had no hope of stopping it (Mind you he seemed to have no hope of stopping the Klejna effort but did). Out came the flat pointy hand of Ref Matthews for the last time of the evening. 6-5 Bison and game over. Bison had got out of jail, but it has to be said it was a jail of their own making.

Top bananas were elected. Unsurprisingly James copped the Raiders’ beers. Top Bison was Sam Talbot.

Footnote 1 : The Battle of Camerón 1863 was a 10 hour fight to the death between 65 French Foreign Legionnaires and 3,000 Mexicans. After 10 hours only 17 men were left to surrender. The commanding officer Captain D’Anjou’s wooden hand (see below) is the centrepiece of a solemn Legionnaire parade every year to commemorate the battle. The greatest honour which can be bestowed upon a Legionnaire is to be invited to carry the hand in its protective glass case at the parade

Footnote 2 : Thug Behram (that’s him below – looks quite innocuous really) was the notorious leader of the Thuggee cult active in India during the late 18th and early 19th centuries. He is reputed to have been involved in over 900 murders, mostly by strangulation. And yes that’s where the word “thug” comes from.

“Lucky” Goal and Shootout Winner – Discarded Harding Pokes Coach Nell in the Eye

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 2 (shoot out)

26/12/19

I had a dream about this game on Christmas night. Perhaps I had had too much wine and cheese. In the dream Red Leader, our favourite septuagenarian, took to the ice to play for Bison armed not with a stick but instead a set of concertina’ed up Venetian blinds. Needless to say his puck control was appalling. What would Freud have made of my dream. Maybe he would have had me committed. Well there are many who think I’m off my trolley. You will be pleased to hear that the dream didn’t come true, but the dreams of the Bison backers did as their team squeezed to a very stressful shoot out win over the Wildcats at the end of a purple pulsating encounter, which had hearts racing, palms sweating, hands trembling, lungs hyperventilating and Prozac bottles emptying.

The first goal of the game arrived on 16:31 and, as far as the Wildcats’ netman Renny Marr was concerned, it was a goal of unspeakable beastliness, so ghastly was the mode of its recession. It was a goal fashioned and scored by three characters who frequently appear together in jokes, namely an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman. All we needed was the involvement of an Irishman, but alas none could be found. The Welshman was Adam Harding, who found himself behind the goal. He passed forward (or backward from a Cats perspective), looking for someone to dirtily stab the puck home, but before it could reach such an individual, the puck hit Marr and then rebounded behind him and trickled over the line as slowly as a bead of condensated water would dribble down the side of the glass containing your ice cold beer. The melancholic and indeed somewhat comedic outcome for Marr must have plunged him into a state of abject despondency, all cheeriness falling from his countenance and any glee, joy or bliss he may previously have been experiencing draining from his very being to leave his physical form a mere husk devoid of contentment. 1-0 Bison. Harding was credited as the scorer and his assistants were Ollie Stone and Liam “Square Sausage” Morris. Cymru am Byth. Time to break out the lavabread. (Eh? What be that? See footnote 1). The goal was later described by Cats’ coach Aaron Nell as “the luckiest goal you’ll ever see”. Oh really? Could Nell's comment be influenced by the fact that a player he got rid of came back to bite him on the bum? Surely not.

There was no further scoring in the period and Bison entered the break with a lead as thin as a Rizla fag paper. Having outshot the Cats by 15-5 they were worthy leaders, but as we know, a solitary goal lead can be overturned as quickly as it would take for the Howling Man to shout “Whitfield! Get your hair cut.” The Cats weren’t going to give up the ghost. The homesters needed another score to cement their position and were lucky enough to bag one on 25:23. But there was nothing lucky about the way it was scored. It had the crowd shouting Holy guacamole, flamin’ Nora and by all that is sacred. It was a goal of Ooo Matron purpleness executed with the ruthless precision of Mafia hit man Frankie Yale (Frankie who? See below and also footnote 2).

What happened? Read on and I will reveal all. A stretch pass out of the Bison D-zone from Coach Tait set Norris away. He burst between the 2 covering Cats’ D-men like a thoroughbred outpacing a couple of dray horses – yes it was Red Rum versus Hercules and his brother. (Who? Why Steptoe’s horse – see below).

Having worked himself into a one on one with Marr he proceeded to bamboozle the hapless netman and slide the puck through the Caledonian custodian’s 5-hole off his backhand. If Marr had been suffering from feelings of embarrassment, dejection and hopelessness after the first goal, his mood now plummeted into the swirling cess pool of despair. 2-0 Bison. Tait and Michal Klejna with assists for the goal.

The Cats had to get back into it as soon as they could and this they did on 31:39. Coach Nell sent Tyler Vankleef away behind the Bison net. His pass out front was met by a cracker of a clapper from another Tyler, namely Tyler Plews. In the split second it took to wonder whether either of the Tylers were named after Wat Tyler (Who? Come on I’ve mentioned him before – Wat Tyler was the leader of the Peasants’ Revolt in 1381 of course), the biscuit flew from the Plews stick and struck Alex “Mittens” Mettam. Had the netman possessed a form similarly voluminous to that of Sue Tilley, subject of the famous Lucien Freud painting “Benefits supervisor asleep” (see below), he might have stopped the puck dead in its tracks. However he is of slighter build, even kitted up, than Big Sue, as she is known, and it was only a piece of the puck which he could get. Into the goal it went and it was 2-1 with all to play for.

P2 ended and, as they had at the end of P1, Bison were ahead, but only a solitary goal lead – an After 8 mint-esque width type of lead. The Cats came on strong determined to level things up and indeed go on to win the game. The Bison defense performed out of their skins and Mettam was once again the hero of the hour (well 20 minutes actually) with a number of stellar saves. The Cats found their way to goal blocked, their assaults beaten back, their efforts baffled and their moves barred – dashed hard cheddar to them. It was a veritable Bison Alamo. But alas Bison’s Alamo was to suffer the same fate as the real Alamo – you know the Davey Crockett one. With 1:23 remaining the signal was given and Marr raced from his net like crazy, at the double, post haste, pronto, chop-chop and PDQ and with the speed, velocity and pace of a man doing a runner from a restaurant without paying the bill. (I have never understood why anyone would want to do that – I mean a 500 yards sprint up the High Street full of curry? No thanks). This was no time to dilly-dally and dilly-dally he didn’t. On came skater no.6 and within 17 seconds, like the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo in 1891 (he was a real person by the way), Coach Nell’s gamble had paid off. And it was Coach Nell himself who bagged the equalising score with an across the goaltender snipe into the top corner of the net. Vankleef and Chris Jones with the assists.

The dastardly pessimists amongst the Bison backers were now plunged themselves into a state of funereal perturbation. 3 of Bison’s last games at Planet Ice had ended in overtime losses. Why would it be any different tonight? Well there was no scoring in the extra period. The Cats’ best chance fell to Stevie Whitfield all on his own in front of goal, but he failed to get the better of Mettam, just as he has consistently failed to get his hair cut. Bison’s best chance fell to Klejna, who does have his hair cut, with a breakaway, but he shot wide. And so into the nail biting lottery of a penalty shoot out.

The first round of the shoot out was a cataclysmic disaster for Bison with Nell scoring past Mettam and then Klejna having his shot saved by Marr. Loris Taylor, another chap who I am sure the Howling Man thinks should get his hair cut, stepped up for Cats’ pen no.2. He failed to breach the Berlin Wall which is Mettam, so still 1-0 Cats. Cometh the hour cometh the man. Up stepped Sean Norris, not to be confused with Liam Morris who is someone completely different. He wasn’t afraid to grasp the nettle, grasp the opportunity and grasp the moment. He skated in and rifled in stick side past a startled Marr. 1-1 after 2 rounds. Next up was Vankleef, as deadly with the stick as his namesake Lee Van Kleef is with an 1851 Navy Colt (that’s him with one below). Alas for the Cats the High Noon encounter resulted in Mettam remaining un-gunned down. Eh? He saved the Vankleef shot. And so it befell Adam Harding to take the final shot (oh sorry I’ve given the game away using the word “final” – never mind). The Welshman skated forward intent on beating the Scotsman and putting one in the eye of Coach Nell who had got rid of him during the previous season. The Cats’ loss was Bison’s gain for sure. The Harding shot was an Ooo Matron effort whipped past the hapless Caledonian Madam Whiplash style. Bison win.

Dinosaurian celebrations burst from the Bison blocks. Fists were bumped, woo-hoos and yahoos were given vent to at decibellular volume, high fives were slapped, hats and babies were thrown into the air. Red Leader threw his Venetian blinds skywards, the Bespectacled Youth grabbed Shouty Jesus in a loving embrace, the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt kissed the Che Guevara impersonator (surely an outrage to public decency).

The final act of the evening was to elect the top bananas. Chris Jones, not to be confused with Adam Jones or indeed Miss Jones, won the award for the Cats. Who else but Sean Norris could have won the Bison award – and yes he did. The Cats went away licking their wounds – 3 straight defeats which reinforced the Telford Tigers position at the top of the pile. As for Bison. Well mid table mediocrity at the moment but the Bison backers would settle for that – it was a win!

Footnote 1 : Laverbread is a Welsh delicacy made from seaweed found clinging to exposed rock on the west coast of Wales. It is nothing to do with bread.

Footnote 2 : Frankie Yale was a New York gangster, who acted as a hit man for Al Capone and is reputed to have got rid of Big Jim Colosimo and Dion O’Bannion for Capone. When he himself was rubbed out in 1928 after a high speed car chase, it was the first time a submachine gun had been used in a New York hit. A great distinction of which I am sure he would have been very proud.

Jones and Morris Double Strikes Sink the Raiders

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 3

30/11/19

Down from the Smoke (or at least Essex) came the Raiders with the intention of gaining revenge for their shootout loss to Bison when the teams last met in Romford. They fell short of this worthy aspiration in a game which was marred by some less than cognisant officiating, which seems to be par for the course in the NIHL these days. But let us not rant, rave or rage against our beloved officials in a “Stevie Wonder could do better” manner, but instead, dear reader, let us move onto the events of a rather long evening. As for Bison, coming off the back of a magnificent 4-2 road win against the import filled Swindon Wildcats on the previous evening, this was an opportunity to bag an Ooo Matron 4 point weekend.

P1 opened and on 4:23 Bison surged into the lead. In a manner most skillful Marek Malinsky, according to the announcement of assists for the goal, but was actually Michal Klejna, stopped the puck from leaving the zone and then passed to Alex Sampford. He, the third named individual that is, picked his shot and whipped the biscuit past the Raiders’ goaltender, Michael Gray, glove side. Coach Tait was awarded the second assist. Malinsky was initially awarded an assist, which was quite remarkable as he was on the bench at the time of the goal. Mind you being off the ice when goals were scored never stopped Tony Hand from claiming assists. 1-0 Bison.

We had to wait until the period was nearly done for another goal. And it would be Bison who would bulge the stringbag once more. Actually that’s not quite accurate (in fact not at all) as the puck slid in across the floor, but who of my readers cares about accuracy? Hallam Wilson and Adam Harding combined to set up Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones for an Ooo Mr. Rigsby clapper from the point. The Jones twig came down and propelled the biscuit forward through a crowd of players. Let us hope that netman Gray never saw it, as, if he did, he was badly at fault in failing to block a ground shot from this distance. I was unable to see whether he had a red face or not from Block C. 2-0 Bison.

P1 ended and P2 opened. It would not be long before Bison surged even further ahead. The scorer this time was Liam “Square Sausage” Morris. 15 seconds after he had finished doing porridge for slashing, Sam Smith set him on his way up the wing. He moved forward in a manner most velocious and with the elegance of Canova’s Three Graces (see below), albeit not displaying any physical resemblance to any of those three ladies. He skated into the zone and sniped a blistering biriyanis top shelf shot past the glove of Gray, who, having been beaten 3 times on his left and twice past the glove, must have been starting to adopt feelings of funereal perturbation. Klejna with the second assist. 3-0 Bison.

On 28^th June, 1914 Gavrilo Princip assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austro-Hungary. It was the spark which lit the powder keg of the First World War. A rather melodramatic illustration of that very event is shown below.

In the 29^th minutes a similar spark/powder keg incident occurred when Coach Tait cross checked Blahoslav Novak. An unsavoury fracas ensued, perhaps not on the scale of the First World War, but one which resulted in 32 PIMs to 3 Bison players and 8 to 2 Raiders. How on earth? I can throw no light on how Klejna, grabbed by Jack Flynn and chucked around like a ragdoll whilst refusing to fight, was considered the rightful recipient of a 2+2 fighting penalty. Back in the 1920s and 30s there were many blind blues singers including Blind Blake, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Blind Boy Fuller, Blind Gary Davis (that’s the dude below), Blind Willie McTell and Blind Willie Johnson. Any four of the above couldn’t have done a worse job than the four myopic officials. Never mind. One of the Bison miscreants was Jay King, who was ejected from the game for being third man in (not a Harry Lime type of third man mind you). The upshot was that the Raiders went on a power play. They made it count when Aaron “Billy” Connolly popped home a rebounded shot. Assists to Sean Barry and Brandon Ayliffe. 3-1 Bison and a glimmer of hope for the visitors. By the way don't confuse Blind Gary Davis with Gary Davies, the Radio 1 DJ, who, as far as I am aware, has no optical impairment.

On 35:00 we were horrified to witness another outbreak opprobrious violence of the most despicable variety (well actually it was handbags) involving Morris and Novak. The former cross checked the latter, causing him to fall to the ice in a most ignominious and unedifying fashion, and, in thus doing, losing his dignity. He, the latter, regained his feet and charged like a raging bull at the former, who, seeing him coming in this somewhat aggressive manner, doubtless with the intention of knocking his bally block off, which could have resulted in extreme discomfiture to him, the aforementioned former. So he, the former, threw his arms around the said latter in what looked like a loving embrace and prevented him, the previously three times mentioned latter, from delivering a meaty blow of any sort. In a sideshow Josh Kelly and Mason Webster came together, doubtless to discuss the events of the game. Alas the blood lust of the crowd remained unfulfilled as neither smote the other. Down the steps went all 4 and, as Morris has initiated the undesirable embroilment with the aforementioned cross check, the Raiders went another on power play and made it count once more.

Back in 2014 Courtney Barnett, a left handed minstrel from Hobart (that’s her below playing a Fender Jaguar), told us she liked, amongst other things, Christopher Walken and pickles from the jar. Well, had she been at the game she would have been very gratified to see, not Christopher Walken, but a pickle, albeit not an edible one and certainly not one from a jar. The pickle was an almighty blue paint scramble in front of the Bison net with Connolly managing to stab the puck across the line. Sean Barry and Lukas Sladkovsky assisted. Ooo Betty. 3-2 Bison and the Raiders now very much back into it.

Bison had to snatch back the initiative and this they did with another Ooo Mr. Rigsby goal from Jones on 38:29. The sequence of events all started with Sladkovsky having his collar felt for kneeing on 37:43. “Oi, geezer. You can’t do that,” may have been the thoughts of Referee Belfitt, although I doubt whether he used that precise turn of phrase as he ordered the errant Czech chap down the steps. Play proceeded with a 5 on 4 power play for Bison. Then in an act most ill-advised a mere 20 seconds later, Dan Scott committed a slash. “I say, old bean. That was a trifle mischievous,” said Ref Belfitt or at least, if he didn’t, he should have. But it mattered not a jot what he said as the result was a spell of choky for Scott and a 5 on 3 to Bison. Could the Riders hold out? Yes they could. But alas for them only for 26 seconds and then they fell headlong into the cesspit of disappointment, in which they swirled around unable to hide or assuage their despondency, as Jones slapped one along the deck and through the Gray 5-hole. Assists to Harding and Klejna. 4-2 Bison.

At the end of P2 Aaron Connolly was given a match penalty for a high stick into the face of Ryan Sutton. This was surely accidental, knowing Billy as we do, but rules is rules, blood had been spilled and off went Billy to the locker room to reflect on his misfortune. As Sutton returned to the ice in P3, the penalty was downgraded to a game. The early tiffin dished out to Billy was good news for Bison as he had scored both the Raiders’ goals and was looking by far their best player.

And so we passed into P3, By now it was dark outside (of course it was), but such had been the delays in P2 while the officials engaged in a mass debate amongst themselves as they discussed the veritable cornucopia of rule violations which they had seen, not seen and invented that it appeared that the sun would be rising before we left the rink and the fast food outlets, where one can enjoy a smorgasbord of culinary delights after the game, would all be shut. Could we get through P3 without delays on a par the UK with leaving the EU? Well actually yes we could. There were only 4 penalty calls in the period and no mass brawls.

On 50:25 Ollie Baldock was sent to the Tower for a trip. A minute into the ensuing power play Bison made it 5-2. Klejna and Tait indulged in an interchange most purple, which so bamboozled the Raiders’ D that they lost awareness of Morris’s presence on the ice. He appeared suddenly in front of goal, as if from Aladdin’s lamp, to take the final pass and smash the puck in a Holy Guacamole fashion past the hapless, hopeless and luckless Gray, who managed to be all three things at the same time. Gray, beaten again glove side and clearly suffering from a paucity of magnanimousness (yes that is a real word) and feeling unwilling to share in Morris’s elation at having scored his second of the game with a congratulatory comment or gesture, skated away from his breached net and smote the ice with his stick in a manner most violent, thus indicating his mood of exasperation and indignance. 5-2 Bison.

But it was not quite game over, as on 56:19 the Raiders bagged another courtesy of Jake Sylvester with Novak and Barry assisting. 5-3 Bison and the Raiders back in with a shout. But, alas for them, not much of a shout as Bison restored their 3 goal advantage a mere 15 seconds later with Harding, set up by a behind the net pass from Marek Malinsky, snapping in from in front of the net. The Raiders’ D had once again gone missing, possibly on a quest elsewhere to look for the lost city of Atlantis or maybe Captain Kidd’s hidden treasure in the Caribbean or even to find the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas. Wherever they were they weren’t in front of their net protecting Gray, who was left with as much protection as a wet paper bag would have provided and who by now must have been swimming in a sea of abject dejection. 6-3 Bison.

Shortly after the fat lady sang out and brought the proceedingss to an end. Top Bananas were elected – Sean Barry for the Raiders and Adam Jones for Bison, but it could have been Morris, also with 2 goals, or Klejna with 4 assists. As we trudged away from the rink we were elated to see that the sun hadn’t come up and the fast food outlets were still open for business.