Wilson and Scott Doubles Demolish the Bumbling Bees

Bison 6 Bracknell Bees 1

25/11/17

After so many uncompetitive game this season where the stronger teams in the NIHL have run over the weaker teams, like a Saturn V transporter (see below) squashing flat a gang of Barbies (did you note the Hull Pirates 20-3 win over the Deeside Dragons last weekend?), we looked forward to the visit of the Bracknell Bees for what we thought was going to be a tough competitive game.

Alas the Bees failed to provide the strong opposition we required and indeed, like a factory chimney demolished by Fred Dibnah (see below), fell to an ignominious defeat by 6-1, having been outshot by an outrageous margin of 43-14.

Would it have been any different if the Bees had had two of their best players available, namely Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson and Frankie “The Assassin” Bakrlik, the latter serving a 6 match ban for attempted murder? There certainly would have been more bodies on the ice, had Bakrlik been present to bring his own unique brand of, shall we call it, competitive hockey to the ice. And Bavy made sure we hadn’t forgotten the Slovak enforcer with Sister Sledge’s “Frankie” blaring from the sound system on more than one occasion during the evening.

Bison took the lead on 8:23. It was a magically worked goal from Roman Malinik. The Bees’ defending was a failure, a flop, a fiasco and a farce all rolled into one, as Malinik slipped past the D on the boards, cut inside and was in on goal. Alex Mettam in the Bees’ net could not help but admire the Czech chap’s progress, slicing through the D like a red hot carving knife through a slab of lard. Perhaps that was Mettam’s mistake as he seemed to have lost his concentration. Malinik fired a wristy past the in awe netman and it was 1-0 Bison. Dan Scott with the assist.

On 14:28 Benjamin Ealey-Newman perpetrated a hideous deed. He slashed. “Oi matey! That’s bang out of order,” said Referee Boardman. And why wouldn’t he as this was during a stage of the game when he was actually calling infractions before he became totally myopic/biased/incompetent* (delete as you think appropriate), as I shall later relate, dear reader. Anyway back to the vile deed of Ealey-Newman. Into the box he went for what he thought would be a 2 minute rest. Alas for him, the sojourn was cut short by Bison’s 2^nd goal on 15:01. It was classic Chuckle Brothers to me to you to me to you as Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and Dan Scott passed back and forth to each other across the blue line. By the time of the 6^th or 7^th pass, Mettam must have been exhausted, having skated back and forth across his goal line to cover any possible shot on goal. Eventually Scott clappered one and the puck flew into the net past a puffing, blowing  and perspiring Mettam. 2-0 Bison.

The period ended with no more scoring and into the locker rooms the teams went. It had been a dominant period for Bison, who were well worth their 2 goal lead. What were we to see in P3? In “Total Eclipse of the Heart” Bonnie Tyler told us “Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart” That’s exactly the Bees did in P2, the latter that is, not the former. Outshot by 24-4 over the next 20 minutes of play they fell apart like something loose and crumbly, conceding 3 goals in 1:41 towards the end of the period. Bonnie Tyler would have been impressed.

The 1^st of those 3 occurred on 27:55. Harvey Stead shamelessly hooked Aaron “Billy” Connolly to the ice as he was in on goal. Billy managed to get the puck to Bison's own springbok, General Grant Rounding, wide of the goal. He fired a pass to Karpov in front of the net with a shout or at least a thought of “Blistering biltong, you voortrekker! Stick your lumber on that”. And stick his lumber on that was exactly what Karpov did. The puck flew past a despairing Mettam for a delayed penalty goal. 3-0 Bison.

50 seconds later it was 4-0. Take a bag of Portland cement, 3 bags of sand and 3 bags of aggregate. Mix these together with water and leave to set. What do you get? Concrete of course. Concreteness (OK that’s not a real word) is not a noun which could be employed to describe the Bees’ defending on this occasion. Indeed no, matron. The Bees D behaved more like a wet slurry in failing to clear their lines with the result that the puck went loose in front of the crease. An excited shout of “IT’S LOOSE” was heard emanating from Block C. The observer was correct. It was indeed loose, in fact as loose as a goose, but not for long as Dan Scott brought his twig down in a long sweeping ark. The puck took flight like a keema nan hurled Frisbee fashion (I told you before than keema nans are airworthy). Mettam may have had a chance of stopping a keema nan, but he had no chance of stopping the puck. The net bulged, Mettam sudsided and it was 4-0 Bison.

The Bees’ torment was not over. Within a minute it was 5-0. Elliott Dewey, not to be confused with Eliot Ness, who, apart from having less Ls and Ts in his name, is someone completely different (see footnote), fired one in from the hash marks. The puck went as loose as a goose in front of the crease once again, just as it had immediately prior to Bison’s 4^th. On this occasion it was Hallam Wilson who swept the puck past a startled Mettam. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg with the other assist. 5-0 Bison.

The period ended with the Bees on the end of an undesirable scoreline. P3 opened with Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans minding the Bison goal. From a Bees’ perspective the scoreline became even more undesirable on 45:58 courtesy of a truly wonderful unassisted goal from Hallam Wilson, his second of the game. He picked up a loose puck and started slicing through the Bees’ D. You couldn’t have described his movement as clumsy, ungainly, awkward or blundering, but rather graceful, adroit, elegant and aesthetically pleasing. In fact you could say his movement was as graceful as Canova’s Three Graces (see below). Having cast aside the feeble Bees’ D challenges, he was now in on goal. He dangled the jockstrap off Mettam and slid the puck across the line. 6-0 Bison.

The proceedings then began to get a trifle out of hand. It started with Danny Ingoldsby giving Dan “The Beast” a snow shower. Foord and Baird got into a disagreement as a result, but before any meaty punches could be thrown, the officials stepped in and no penalties were doled out. Moments later the blood lust of the crowd rose again as Josh Smith and Josh Martin went for it mid ice.

 

2+2 for roughing to each. Then Karpov received an elbow to the face, but there was no call from Mr. Boardman. Then Paul Petts was grabbed from behind and shaken around like a rag doll, but again no call from the myopic official. One got the impression that Lord Nelson would have seen more than Mr. Boardman, notwithstanding that he only had one eye. Then Baird got hold of Jared Lane and the two ended up in the box for interference and roughing, the latter to the former and the former to the latter. It all seemed to be kicking off. Mr. Boardman had lost control. Thankfully things calmed down.

The Bees even bagged a goal on 53:55. Martin, assisted by Best and Ingoldsby, whipped a wrist shot past Dan “The Beast” and it was 6-1.

Thus ended the game. Top Bananas were Jack Hayes for the Bees and Roman Malinik for Bison.

Footnote : Eliot Ness was a law enforcement agent, who assembled a team of incorruptible officers known as “The Untouchables”. He waged war on Chicago’s king of organised crime, Al Capone, and was a significant factor in his downfall.

Six Shooting Bison Give Goaltender Gray a Grey Day

Bison 6 London Raiders 0

19/11/17

Down from the Smoke came them cockney geezers, the London Raiders, hoping to improve on their last visit when they slumped to an ignominious defeat to the tune of 7-1. They sort of succeeded as they let in one goal less, but they failed to score and the margin of defeat was, therefore, the same. It turned out to be a bizarre evening for Raiders goaltender, Michael Gray. He won the Man of the Match award, but, with every goal conceded he became more and more frustrated and angry with his defense, his stick, himself, the ice and whatever else you may care to imagine.

P1 was one way traffic. By the end of it the shot count was a very imbalanced 22-6, but I jump too far ahead as I have not related how Bison came to rejoice in a 2-0 lead by the end of the period. The first goal came on 7:11. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds lost control of the puck, but it broke fortuitously to Tomas Karpov. He moved across the rink and then forward with the grace of Margot Fonteyn, the speed of Usain Bolt, the manual dexterity of Manitas de Plata and the determination of Phil “The Power” Taylor to hit a treble 20. The Czech chap slapped one towards goal and there was Aaron “Billy” Connolly in front of the net to redirect the puck past Michael Gray in the Raiders’ goal. It was the start of a very grey evening for Gray. 1-0 Bison.

The second arrived some 4 minutes later. On 11:13 Matthew Turner did a job on Roman Malinik. Had the game been taking place in Calcutta in 1756, he may have had to serve his sentence in the infamous Black Hole, but it wasn’t. 2 minutes in the box for hooking was the lenient sentence. Turner thought he now had an opportunity to reflect on his misdeed for 2 minutes and plan a path to redemption through deep, meaningful reflection. Alas, whilst he was in mid meditation, the penalty ended with a Bison power play goal and Turner was consequently released from his period of contrite contemplation a minute early, hardly enough time to complete his process of reformation of character. Thankfully for Turner, it was not the man he hooked who scored the goal. It was Tomas Karpov with a thunderous clapper from just inside the blue line, so reminiscent in terms of distance, delivery and end result of his 2014 playoff final goal against the Manchester Phoenix. Set up by Desperate Dan Davies, the Czech chap brought his stick down in a wide sweeping arc as Davies’s pass slewed across the ice and into his path. The puck took flight and the goaltender took fright. The exposed netman must have realised he was not going to be able to make himself larger and the goal frame sure wasn’t going to get any smaller as would a woolly jumper in a hot wash. (Undomesticated blokes take note that you don’t wash woollens on “hot”). Karpov’s top corner placement was perfect. The puck flew past Gray’s head and into the back of the net and it was 2-0 Bison.

And so we moved into P2 and that was one way traffic as well. However, it took until 8:50 into the period for Bison to increase their lead. Forcing a mid ice turnover (not an apple one), Malinik steamed forward. How much steam was involved? More than a bubbling cauldron of cockroach, slug and sheep’s eyeball stew could produce. Suddenly he whipped a wrist shot into the top corner of the net over the goaltender’s catcher. 3-0 Bison. Goaltender Gray was not happy with his D at all. He showed his annoyance and frustration. He was beginning to lose his marbles.

Gray’s evening was not about to improve. On 34:36 it was 4-0 Bison. Malinik passed out in front of goal from behind the net and there was Desperate Dan Davies to score with Gray’s own D–men getting in his way as he attempted to harvest his own rebound. Antonov with the second assist. Gray displayed his displeasure at the ineptitude of his D.

Referee Matthews was not called upon to extend his hand in a flat pointy manner towards either goal for the remainder of the period and so we passed out of P2 and into P3 with Bison enjoying a comfortable lead. The Raiders played much better in the final period, matching Bison shot for shot (10 each by the end of the period), but several fine amoeboid engulfments of the puck by Dean Skinns ensured that the number below the “Visitors” on the scoreboard remained at 0. In contrast the man who operates the “Home” number was called into action on 2 occasions. On 52:11 the Antonov/Malinik/Davies line produced another goal. Imagine you've just come out of the Mariner's Arms in Old Portsmouth circa 1805. You are in the company of Frank Bruno, Bruce Lee and Hulk Hogan. (OK I know this is really stretching the bounds of believability a bit). Anyway, you are attacked by a press gang. The ensuing unseemly, unruly and unmitigated scene of random violence might be similar to what we saw in front of the Raiders net with the puck as loose as a goose. Eventually Davies stabbed it in and it was 5-0 Bison. Gray was very annoyed with his D once again.

Gray’s night of agony was not yet over. Bison bagged a 6th goal. Scored on 52:49 this score  brought pure comedic value to the game, as I shall relate, so, dear reader, don’t wander off to make a cup of tea, but pray read on. Karpov and Connolly combined to send General Grant Rounding surging forward displaying the velocious qualities of a hyper active greyhound. He sniped towards the top corner. Goaltender Gray extended his catcher to engulf the puck, but, alas for him, he misjudged the flight of the puck and it flew into the top corner of the goal above his extended catcher. Gray was furious with himself.

The hapless goaltender swung his stick with the intention of smiting the goal frame. Alas he missed. It was his second misjudgement in a matter of seconds. By now he was very angry indeed. He had lost his rag, his composure, the plot and his marbles all at once. He was verging on meltdown.

If you have any thought for the wellbeing of goaltender Gray, you will be pleased to hear that there were no more goals in the game and it ended with a 6-0 penalty-less win for Bison and a Top Banana award for Gray. Bison’s recipient of the beers was Desperate Dan Davies with a 2+1 performance.

Caledonian Concreteness Cements Cats Cruise to Comfortable Conquest

Bison 1 Swindon Wildcats 3

11/11/17

Let’s go back to 1973. A man in pyjamas sneaks downstairs in the middle of the night. He wakes up the dog on the stairs and shushes it. He tiptoes into the kitchen and opens the fridge, which is full of R. Whites lemonade. He was the secret lemonade drinker of the famous advert, of course (see below). He told us he’s been trying to give it up, but it’s one of those nights. Well last night was one of those nights for Bison. Despite outshooting the Cats at a rate of 2 to 1, they found Cats’ Caledonian goaltender Renny Marr a formidable obstacle and managed to breach his defences only once. At 6’2” he’s a big geezer and agile with it. He was well deserving of the Top Banana award with a save percentage of 97.14, but I jump ahead, as always.

Let us go back to the first period. It was a chunderous one for Bison. Outthought, outplayed and outshot, they came in with a 3 goal deficit and it was uphill from then on. The Cats’ first goal followed a flurry of penalties to Bullas, Antonov, Birbraer and Malinik. With so many players having their collars felt it was difficult to keep track of how many were on the ice. It eventually boiled down to a 4 on 3 advantage for the Cats and they took full advantage of the extra man and additional space on the ice. On 11:25 Aaron Nell won a face off. The puck squirted to Sam Zajac, whose pass found Chris Jones in a great position close in. He lifted a shot over Dean Skinns’s right shoulder. It was a perfectly placed shot and Deano stood as much chance of stopping the puck as Wild Bill Hickok had of living see the 3^rd of August 1876 (Eh? See footnote). 1-0 Cats.

On 12:46 it was 2-0 as the Cats bagged another power play goal. Set up by a Nell/Taylor combination, Jordan Kelsall found himself in the slot with his back to goal. He swivelled like a ballerina, although he wasn’t dressed as one (we have to be thankful for that) and shot in one fluid movement and the puck flew into the top corner of the net with the accuracy of a javelin thrown by Fatima Whitbread. Kelsall wasn’t dressed like her either. 2-0 Cats.

Bison huffed and puffed as the clock ticked down. Into the final minute we passed. Going into the locker room with a 2-0 deficit looked likely. From there a P2 recovery was a strong possibility for Bison if they stepped up a gear. Could they even snatch one before the buzzer? Well actually no and, worse still, the Cats snatched one for themselves. On 19:32 crisp passing by Nell and Jones found Maxim Birbraer at the back door. Whilst attempting a circumnavigation of the globe in 1937 iconic aviator Amelie Earhart (that's her below) disappeared without a trace. In a similar fashion the Bison D had disappeared without a trace. So there was Birbraer with the puck. How was he going to beat Dean Skins? It was an over the shoulder number, just like the other 2 Swindon goals. That’s how it’s done against a small, albeit agile, netman. You get the impression some thought had gone into all this before the game and, of course, the strengths and weaknesses of ex-Cat Deano should be well known to Coach Nell. 3-0 Cats and Ooooo Betty for Bison.

 

P2 was interesting. Bison certainly stepped up a gear and hammered away at the Cats’ net, but without reward. The Cats were coasting along in terms of the scoreline and just needed to keep things tight. Well they failed to do that, but every time Bison breached their defenses, there was the gigantic Marr to block like the Berlin wall, catch like a slip fielder, engulf like an amoeba or deflect away like the angled armour plating on a tank. Hadrian built an 80 mile long wall in the north of England to supposedly keep out marauding Scotsmen. (Perhaps that’s where Donald Trump got the idea of his Mexican wall). Now the tables were turned as a marauding Scottish goaltender kept out Bison. 18 shots to 3 in Bison’s favour was the shot count for the period, but the score remained 0-3.

And so into P3 we moved and we were treated to almost more of the same. However, this time the Cats’ defense had tightened up and Marr had only 9 shots to keep out. He was lucky when a Karpov shot hammered against the post with a clunk most sonorous and then we saw Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird surge forward and get involved in a blue paint scramble attempting to do what his forwards hadn’t. He couldn’t.

On 53:53 there was a massive boarding hit. I didn’t see which Bison player was on the receiving end, but Floyd Taylor was the Cat perpetrating the unsavoury deed. A gaggle of incensed Bison players went to the spot and were confronted by an angry mob of Cats players. An unseemly altercation of the most unspeakable variety ensued. Suddenly we saw Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Sam Bullas locked together. They exchanged opinions regarding the incident. I couldn’t hear their words from Block C, but it would not have surprised me if it had incorporated expletives which would have shocked both a sewer worker from the Gorbals and a fishwife from Billingsgate. Pushes and semi-punches were exchanged, but the blood lust of the crowd was left unsatisfied as the two were separated before a meaty punch could be thrown. The two escaped censure, but Taylor did not. It was a game misconduct for him and on to a 5 minute power play went Bison.

At last on 53:53 with only 23 seconds of the power play played, Bison bagged a goal. Set up by Connolly and Desperate Dan Davies, Dan Scott let fly with a wrist shot from the hash marks. The goaltender, who had up till now looked as impregnable as the Maginot Line, the Great Wall of China and Fatty Arbuckle all rolled into one, couldn’t stop this one. The net bulged, on came the goal light. Out came Referee Matthews’s flat pointy hand. Goal Bison and 3-1 Cats. The crowd leapt to their feet to register their approval of the goal with shouts of “Yahoo!”, ”Yippee!”, “Hurrah!”, “Woo-hoo!”, “At last” and other similar exclamations.

Alas for Bison it was to be their only moment of deep joy, but in the final minutes it was all Bison. Whilst still defending the 5 minute power play the Cats copped another penalty - Stephen Whitfield for slashing. They now had 2:42 to defend a 5 on 3. With 2 minutes left Skinns was dragged from his net (not literally thankfully) and a 6 on 3 ensued. The Cats even managed to defend this. Whitfield returned to make it 6 on 4 and then the 5 minute power play ended. Bison could find no way through. Game over. The Cats had played a clever tactical game.

Top Bananas were the Cats’ Marr (who else could it have been?) and Malinik for Bison.

Footnote : Legendary gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok (see below), not to be confused with Alfred Hitchcock, who is someone completely different, was shot and killed from behind by Jack McCall, a sore loser, while playing poker in Nuttall and Mann’s saloon in Deadwood on 2^nd August 1876. The hand he held at the time was a pair of aces and a pair of 8s, known thereafter as the dead man’s hand.