Goal/Fight Fest Comes to Town

Bison 7 Bees 6

6/11/21

Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick! What a night! Those lucky enough to be at Planet Ice last night were treated to a game of purple pulsating spectacularity. Yes indeed. It was a match full of Ay Caramba! thrills, spills, goals and, to satisfy the blood lust of certain sections of the crowd (OK all of us really), scenes of the most appalling violence close to the end of the match when tempers flared more voluminously than the bell bottoms of a Bay City Roller and bubbled over like a saucepan of milk left on the stove. The end result was a scene of the most murderous brutality more akin to a WW1 battlefield than a hockey rink. But more about that later – there was actually a hockey match played.

The Bees took the lead close to the end of P1. On 16:45 enter James Galazzi, a hockey villain of the most abhorrent kind. Who remembers him spearing Ollie Stone in the face for no reason in the dying seconds of a game at the Hive a couple of years ago and leaving him lying in a pool of blood at the top of the crease? No we haven’t forgotten that. And that is just one of a litany of villainous acts over the years. He has made himself as popular with opposing fans as a medium rare fillet steak at a convention of vegans. And indeed it was he who was the catalyst for the opprobrious scenes at the end of the match. But more about that later – you will have to wait. On this occasion he knocked over Alex “Mittens” Mettam and was sent to the box for goalie interference. In the resulting power play it was the Bees who scored. Bursting forward in a 3 on 1 (how can that happen in a power play?), Michael Power squeezed the puck in off Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones’s skate. Josh Kelly and Dominik Gabaj were the assistants. 1-0 Bees.

The Bees lead was short lived. On 19:21 Dancing Jay King, set up by Ryan Sutton, fired a shot goalwards. Adam Goss in the Bees’ net must have been confident of keeping the shot out, but his confidence was very soon to be replaced by vexation as Alex Roberts thrust his twig in the way and the redirected puck flew past the anguished netman. 1-1.

 P1 ended and P2 opened and, no sooner than it had, Bison snatched the lead for the first time. Brendan Baird set up Jones for a shot. Goss saved the effort, but much to his very grave chagrin, the puck deflected to his right with him still on the left, giving Adam Harding a vast expanse of net to shoot into. This he did and it was a Cymru am byth moment for the Welshman. 2-1 Bison, but not for long as on 21:59 Ryan Webb deflected in a Josh Smith shot on goal. A man who looked suspiciously like Brendan Baird, but who wasn’t, was awarded the second assist. 2-2.

The period ground on with chances on both sides. Then on 31:59 the man who looked suspiciously like Brendan Baird, but who wasn’t, scored with a deflected shot. Who was he? Joe Baird, Brendan’s elder brother, of course. Webb with the assist.

This was bad news for Bison. 2-1 up to 2-3 down. Could they pull things round by the end of P2? The answer is yes they could and did. The villainous Galazzi had been sent to the house of correction for a slash on 36:52. On 37:34 a shot from a man wo looks suspiciously like Brendan Baird, which isn’t surprising as he actually was Brendan Baird, fired in a shot. Gordon “George” Norcliffe thrust his lumber into the line of the shot and the biscuit changed direction and flew past the melancholy custodian. It was not proving Goss’s night for stopping redirects. Harding with the second assist. 3-3.

Bison’s revival continued. On 38:26 they resnatched (is that a real word? Spellcheck doesn’t seem to think so) the lead on 38:25. “Break, break, shake away, break break away, now I’m free to do what I wanna do.” So sang the Beach Boys in 1969. Well what we saw was a break away, not by men in striped shirts (see below – blimey wasn’t their bass player tall (or was he standing on Marcelo Bielsa's bucket - see above) and note also he had his own microphone while the other 3 had to share – that’s not fair), but by Filip Martinec, sporting a moustache akin to a caterpillar (perhaps it was one blu-tacked to his upper lip) and Jones, who accepted the pass from Big Phil and clappered one past a hideously exposed Goss. More anguish for the beleaguered custodian. Second assist to Zac Milton. 4-3 Bison.

End of P2 and start of P3. It wasn’t 4-3 for long, as the Bees came back on 41:22 Josh Smith whipped in assisted by Gabaj.

It must have vexed Bison to let the Bees back into the game and imbued a fiery determination to restore (indeed resnatch) their advantage. Starting on 44:31 the Bees did what Bonnie Tyler (that's her below) did in “Total eclipse of the heart” – they fell apart. In 15 seconds their position of parity was thrown out of the window, given the old heave-ho, the elbow and the shove, not to mention unceremoniously thrown out of the room by the seat of its pants with 2 lightning strikes by the homesters. First Elliott Dewey set Liam “Square Sausage” Morris away on the left. He, the latter named, struggled out of a Titanic encounter with a Bees’ D-man on the boards, skated towards goal and unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past the downheated Goss, sending him deeper into his cesspool of dejected defeatism. 5-4 Bison.

But Goss’s bad evening was to get worse only 15 seconds later when Morris set up Aidan Doughty for a shot. Such shot was saved by Goss, but the puck bounced off him and bobbled around in the blue paint. It was a chunderous situation for beleaguered custodian and desperate measures were required. Could be poke check the puck away, cover it with his catcher or even fall or sit on it? Alas he couldn’t do any of those things and what happened next must have sent him spiralling even further downwards into his advanced state of Prozac popping lugubriosity as Norcliffe stabbed the puck over the line. 6-4 Bison. Second assist to Morris.

Bison were rampant and further punishment was to be doled out. On 51:07 Doughty and Norcliffe combined to set up Harding at the top of the crease. He, the latter named, smacked the puck home for 7-4 Bison.

Goss’s confidence must have been collapsing like a tower of Jenga blocks when you pull out the bottom four blocks suddenly. Coach Sheppard has seen enough and, had he been Popeye, he would have said, “That's all I can stands, I can stands no more”. The by now inconsolable netman was pulled from the net (not literally I must say – now that would have been a sight worth seeing) and replaced by the back up Curtis Warburton.

The opprobrious violence mentioned at the beginning of this report kicked off on 52:31. Galazzi, the aforementioned nefarious and indeed iniquitous assassin, smashed Dancing Jay King into the boards behind the goal and left him in a heap on the ice. Morris didn’t have time to say “I say, old chap, I’m going to knock your bally block off for that”. He steamed in and engaged the errant Bee in a gladiatorial contest of the most virulent violence to exact retribution on behalf of his fallen Caledonian comrade. This was in stark contrast to the “fight” between Bayley Harewood and Baird moments earlier. This was a cuddle fest with the two would be pugilists eventually falling over without a blow exchanged. Things then kicked off with other players becoming involved, the highlight of which was the demolition of a lidless Josh Martin by Zac Milton. Eventually it all simmered down and penalties were doled out. Needless to saying there were several chucking out of game penalties, least of all to Galazzi who skated from the box to the locker room with gestures to the crowd indicating that he was very proud of his conduct. It’s a pity that the officials were powerless to impose the death penalty on him as a 5 + game and nothing for the initial boarding offence didn’t seem remotely enough. Perhaps Hanging Judge Jeffries should be brought out of retirement to officiate at hockey matches in which Galazzi is playing.

Play restarted and the Bees grabbed a couple of late goals to make the scoreline look respectable. Gabaj assisted by Bradley and Webb for 7-5 and Stead assisted by Örnmarker for 7-6. But it was all to late. The final buzzer sounded and it was a Bison win.

Top Bananas were elected. The Bees man was not the opprobrious Galazzi, but instead Ryan Webb. Bison’s was two goal man Adam Harding. Cymru am byth.

 Bison Win Shoots Them to Top Spot (OK only 1 game played)

Bison 7 Peterborough Phantoms 4

16/10/21

It has to be said. The Peterborough Phantoms are chunderous. A 6-0 trousers down spanking at Planet Ice last time and now a 7-4 embarrassment. A veritable cornucopia of inadequacies plagued them throughout the two games and, even with the assistance of the officials, who seemed to turn into Ray Charles (that's him below), Stevie Wonder, Blind Boy Fuller and Louis Braille each time one of their players perpetrated an atrocity on an opponent, resulting in not a single Bison power play, the ghostly visitors fumbled, floundered and faltered to final failure. But enough cutting criticism. On to the game.

P1 saw a solitary goal. This was scored on 8:09 by Adam Harding. The puck became entangled between Alex Roberts and Thomas Barry. Much to the D-man’s chagrin, it squirted free towards the Phantoms goal and Harding was onto it like a terrier pouncing on a rat. The fellow skated forward and fired an unstoppable wrist shot into the net. It was a Cymru am Byth moment for the Welshman. Had there been a Welsh contingent amongst the Bison crowd, they may have burst into a rendition of “Sosban fach”, but, even if there was, they didn’t. 1-0 Bison.

P2 opened and by the 28^th minute all was looking rosy in the Bison garden. Their lead advanced to 3-0. On 22:52 Gordon “George” Norcliffe burst forward, but was forced behind the goal line. Suddenly from nowhere (well actually it was from somewhere – behind the goal line as I said), Gordon whipped a pass to the top of the crease where Alex Sampford lurked like a shady black marketeer from wartime London. But he wasn’t selling watches or nylons. No indeed – no time for that. He hammered the puck past a despairing Jordan Marr and it was 2-0 Bison. By then Marr had faced only 8 shots (if the SoG stats can be relied on) and had conceded 2. It did not seem to augur well for the rest of the match and indeed things got worse for him and the Phantoms on 27:43. If you want to learn how, I would urge you to read the next paragraph, dear reader.

On 26:36 Brendan Baird hunted down and hooked Jarvis Hunt as he charged towards goal. Ref Belfitt said, “Oi, matey! You’re going down the steps, up the river and behind bars for that.” And indeed that’s what happened. Could the Phantoms snatch a power play goal to reduce the arrears to a solitary goal? No they couldn’t and worse still they conceded a shortie to go 3 goals to the bad. How? Well Coach Ashley Tait battled hard for the puck on the boards to the left of the Phantoms goal. He showed steely determination, fortitude, tenacity, guile and doggedness all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking) as he retained possession of the puck and slipped it inside to Filip “Big Phil” Martinec. He, the latter, looked up and saw a glorious sight. Someone or something was steaming forward. What was it? It was Bison skipper Eliot Dewey moving with all the speed of the Tokyo bullet train. OK that’s an exaggeration – the bullet train can travel at a speed 275 mph, which Eliot would be hard pushed to match. But let’s not split hairs. We saw a snipe. Not a long billed bird with white, black and brown plumage, which inhabits marshy areas in Eurasia and North America, as shown below. No it was a hockey snipe. The puck left the Dewey stick and flew faster than a feathered snipe could fly into the top corner of the net. 3-0 Bison.

Bison were cruising. What could possibly go wrong? Well actually lots. And it did. In the space of 5 minutes the Phantoms bagged 3 and it was level pegging from nowhere. It would cause me grave mental anguish to relive these 5 minutes, but, suffice it to say that there was a big slice of fortune to 2 of the 3 goals. One went in off a Bison skate and another bounced in off Alex “Mittens” Mettam after an offside call wasn’t made. The scorers were Glen Billing (2) and Jarvis Hunt with assists to Duncan Speirs (2), Luc Johnson (2), Callum Buglass and Ales Padelek. Enough said.

We moved into P3 with the scoreboard showing 3-3. Could the Phantoms carrying on from where they left off and go on to win the game? Well actually no they couldn’t and didn’t. It all turned around faster than a pirouetting ballerina with Bison bagging another 3 goals. The first of these came on 42:59. Enter Captain Dewey once again. He charged forward up the right wing and centred for Harding to snap the puck past Marr. It was another Cymru am Byth moment for Harding and it was just a shame that the Bison food bar wasn’t serving laverbread (what? See below and also footnote). 4-3 Bison.

Bison were now back on track after the traumas of P2. It didn’t take them long to plunge Marr into a place of deeper gloom, despondency and melancholy. On 44:41 Coach Tait shot one forward for Paul Petts to chase. He, the latter, seized control of the puck and, from behind the goal line, he made the setup. Did you know that, according to the dictionary, a “setup” can be everything required for an alcoholic drink except the liquor i.e. a glass, ice, soda water or other mixer, cherry, cocktail umbrella etc.? Apparently the patrons provide their own liquor. I didn’t know that, but I do now. Well that wasn’t the sort of setup Petts had in mind, which was just as well as he didn’t seem to have any cocktail umbrellas on his person. It was a hockey setup. He slewed the puck from behind the goal line to an advancing Hallum Wilson. Marr was too slow across the crease and Wilson fired into the gaping gap that was between Marr and the post. 5-3 Bison.

Marr’s night of misery, anguish and torment was not over. On 51:11 he was plunged into a deeper pit of wretchedness, disconsolation and worriment (that is actually a real word) with no hope of assuagement, solace or condolement or even condolence. Set up (again no cocktail umbrellas involved) by Wilson, Captain Dewey threw a speculative shot in a goalwards direction. “No need to worry about that one, it’s going wide,” thought the Caledonian custodian. Indeed it may have been, but, much to the hapless netman’s very grave chagrin, “Big Phil” Martinec dangled his twig and the puck flew off it and past the shellshocked net fellow, causing the net to bulge and the goal light to illuminate (to split hairs it was the goal judge who caused the goal light to illuminate, not the puck, but let’s not be pedantic). Oh dear Marr. 6-3 Bison.

But our evening’s entertainment was far from over. We were to experience some late drama. With 2 minutes remaining Marr was pulled from the net. Thankfully this was not a literal pulling from the net i.e. no-one came on and dragged the netman kicking and screaming to the bench. No indeed. I am sure Marr was quite happy to make his way off as he was by then “boasting” (unlikely that he actually did any boasting about it) a chunderous save percentage of 70% - OUCH! Counselling required. 3 Phantom goals in 2 minutes? It was never going to happen. But they did grab one in the 6 on 5 – scored by Will Weldon with Billing and Norton assisting. Back came Marr for the face off only to disappear again very rapidly and, I am sure, very voluntarily. The Phantoms were in the last chance saloon, but couldn’t keep hold of the puck, which some would regard as preferable if you have an empty net. 3 empty net attempts from Bison went a begging (not always that easy so the words barn door and banjo will not be mentioned here). The third attempt was a pea roller which could have changed direction at any time. The Phantoms bench watched on aghast, but the pea roller failed to veer to the left and in and it was relief all round on the ghostly bench. However, their aghast demeanour was revived when, with just a few seconds left on the clock, Canadian Alex Roberts seized the puck and drove it netwards. So tight was the time that it was impossible to look at the clock and puck at the same time to see if the puck crossed the line in time. No problem. The puck slid over the line with a solitary second left on the clock and it was 7-4 Bison. Never mind the laverbread, break out the poutine (see footnote 2 and below).

It was all over and Bison had, after an uncomfortable wobble, put away a very poor opponent. Top Bananas were elected. Billing was best Phantom and Dewey top Bison.

Footnote 1 : Laverbread is a traditional Welsh delicacy, which is made from edible seaweed.

Footnote 2 : Poutine is a Canadian speciality food. It comprises chips and cheese curds topped with gravy. Jumping Jehosophat on a pogo stick. Do they really eat that? Yes they do.

 Doughty Double Does It

Bison 3 Raiders 2

11/9/21

O Joy! Planet Ice is still standing. Do the steps slope more than they did 18 months ago? Or have we forgotten how much they sloped already? Who knows? What we do know for sure is that hockey has returned! And on Saturday night our creaking shed was packed to the gunwhales, except those areas closed off to the public for fear of a structural collapse. We had all come to see the season opener – a friendly with the London/Romford Raiders. Well I say “friendly”, although, as you will become aware if you read on, dear reader, events at the end of P2 threatened to rebrand this fixture an “unfriendy”. But, as usual, I jump ahead. Let us return to the beginning of the game – P1 opened……

Bison broke the deadlock on 10:43. Alex Roberts robbed a dilatory and dithering D-man of the puck on the blue line. I shall decline to name the D-man, not because I wish to spare his blushes, but because I don’t know who he was. The Canadian fellow slewed a diagonal pass to the man sporting the best Irish name I have heard since I worked with Mick O’Toole on a building site in 1979. Of course it was Aidan Doughty. The Irishman (actually he was born on the Isle of Wight not the Emerald Isle, but why let that prevent a plethora of Irish references in forthcoming reports) unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past Brad Windebank, the despairing Raiders goaltender. The puck crashed into the net with such force that, had it been as flimsy as Ena Sharples’s hair net (that famous Coronation Street battle-axe - see below), it would have passed through and travelled all the way to Dublin. But the Bison goal nets are made of stern stuff and this did not happen. The net merely bulged. 1-0 Bison and no more scoring in the period.

Bison began P2 hoping to increase their lead, but, much to their very grave chagrin, the Raiders levelled it up instead. On 21:15 ex-Bison man Desperate Dan Scott found another ex Bison man Aaron “Billy” Connolly. Billy, who won everything at Bison, but very little at the Raiders (in fact nothing at all) executed an oh so familiar Connolly move, cutting in from the right wing and whipping a shot past Alex “Mittens” Mettam in the Bison net. 1-1. The handful of Raiders fans who had made the trip attempted to emulate the shock waves generated by the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, which circled the planet 7 times. Alas not only did their cheering not circumnavigate the globe seven times nor once, it couldn’t even be heard in Block C, but never mind. Perhaps they would have an opportunity to do better if the Raiders scored again.

Bison restored their lead before the period had drawn to a conclusion. On 23:07 Rio Grinnel-Park was deemed guilty of a crosscheck. Whether he was cross at the time he committed the check, only he can confirm. It mattered not. Referee Brooks blew a thunderous blast from his Acme Thunderer and exclaimed “Oi matey! You can’t do that. You’re going down the steps”. And indeed down the steps he went, albeit only metaphorically, as the way to the penalty box from the ice is actually up one step. It matters not a jot how many steps and in which direction were involved. The end result was that Grinnel-Park was banged up. Bison went on the power play and managed to take advantage of the 5 on 4 with the clock on 24:25. If you are curious to find out how, read on.

A lightning attack involving Roberts and Zack “Paradise Lost” Milton displayed such artistry that, if it had had static physical form, you could have hung it in the Tate. They cut the Raiders D to ribbons as effectively as a scorned girlfriend would scissor up your best Savile Row suit. The set up pass was to Doughty steaming in from the left wing with only Windebank to beat. It called for a top ched screamer and this is precisely what the much larger than a leprechaun forward produced. He whipped an unstoppable shot past the head and shoulder (nothing to do with dandruff shampoo) of the hapless goaltender. 2-1 Bison. The Bison backers exploded and attempted to show the Raiders’ fans how to properly emulate the eruption of Krakatoa. They did their best but a 7 times circling of the earth with their shock waves was not achieved. Goal no.2 for Doughty and Irish eyes must have been smiling.

The period ended with scenes of the most appalling violence, more than the Battle of Waterloo (1815), the Cawnpore Massacre (1857) and the first day of the Somme (1916) combined. It started with Alex Mettam being given a snow shower by Tom Relph as he, the former, covered the puck in his crease. Liam “Square Sausage” Morris quite rightly took exception to this and attempted to extract an apology from Relph. The latter clearly was not going to offer one up, so Morris decided to knock the errant fellow’s block off instead. A scene of the most virulent violence erupted. The crowd were on their feet wallowing in blood lust and shouts of “KILL ‘IM” were heard emanating from Block C. Possibly exhortations to Morris to commit serious atrocities on Relph were made elsewhere also, but I heard none. Meaty blows were exchanged until finally the officials stepped in to call a halt to the proceedings. The pugilists skated off, doubtless hoping that the officials hadn’t noticed and no censure would be forthcoming. They were mistaken. The contretemps had been difficult not to see, even for the myopic officials, and each miscreant received a 5 minute fighting penalty with the errant Relph an additional 2 minutes for “unsportsmanlike conduct”. You bet it was.

And so into the final period we passed. The game was evenly poised, but not for long. On 47:16 Lukas Sladovsky got cross and was called for checking. “I’m the man with the tin star,” said Ref Matthews, “and you can either get out of Dodge or go to the penalty box”. It is doubtful that Sladovsky even realised he was in Dodge in the first place, so he chose to go to the box, hoping for a 2 minute feet up rest while his colleagues defended the power play. Alas they failed and he was out in only 5 seconds. The puck was worked back and forth across the Raiders’ goal. Brendan Baird (I wonder if he has as many superstitions as his brother Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird) lurked on the point with stick raised. He brought it down with the blade hitting the ice just behind the puck. The stick bent and straightened (OK I couldn’t actually see that from Block C) and thwacked the biscuit to make it fly in a goalwards direction. Windebank may have had the shot covered, but he never had the pleasure of finding out because, before it reached him, a twig was dangled and the biscuit changed direction and was past him before he could say “Jack Robinson”, although I am not sure he would have wanted to say that anyway. The twig dangler was Alex Sampford. Goal no.1 of the season for him. A second assist to Liam Morris. 3-1 Bison.

Bison were now comfortable, but as we know as 2 goal lead can be lost in as little time it takes to say Jack Robinson (oh no not him again). A further 10 minutes passed with the Raiders trying desperately hard to reduce the arrears, but to no avail. Then suddenly they did just that with Erik Piatak whipping a pinpoint accurate shot past Mettam, who had delivered a stellar performance in the Bison net and had stopped all manner of goalbound shots until then. Dan Scott was once again identified as assistant. 3-2 Bison and all to play for in the last 2:44.

The Raiders threw their all into a final effort. Time was running out and a last desperate throw of the dice was needed. They were in the last chance saloon and they would have to pull their goaltender. The signal was made and Windebank skated off at such speed that I thought he was being chased by a rabid stoat. However, no such creature could I see. A 6 on 5 ensued, but yielded no benefit. The final buzzer sounded and it was Goodnight Vienna for the Raiders.

Men of the Match were elected. Bison’s best was adjudged to have been Aidan Doughty and the Raiders’ top banana was Aaron “Billy” Connolly.

Disciplinary Dogs' Dinner Does for the Dogs

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

29/2/20

The Steeldogs journeyed to the sunny south from the frozen wastes of the north looking to sweep Bison, having won 3 out of 3 in this season’s previous encounters. As it turned out they were the architects of their own downfall, as I shall relate, so, dear reader, I would implore you to refrain from diverting your attention elsewhere and instead to read the humble account which I lay before you in the hope of eliciting edification.

P1 opened and after some early pressure by Bison it was the Dogs who snatched a go-ahead goal on 3:23. I must confess, dear reader, I can cast no light upon how the goal was scored, and so the method by which the visitors breached the pipes behind goaltender Alex “Mittens” Mettam will remain uncommented upon here. Suffice it to say that the scorer was James Spurr assisted by Tim Smith, but not the Tim Smith who appears on Steve Wright’s radio 2 show – he was elsewhere. 1-0 Dogs.

Bison levelled it on 9:34. Fed by Coach Tait, Michal Klejna slewed a pass across the face of the goal. The Dogs’ D made a dog’s dinner of defending. It was indeed a trousers down moment for them as they failed to cover Sean “Eminem” Norris. He, the latter named, smacked the puck home and it was 1-1.

A very even period was moving to a close with Bison on the attack. Could they launch one last effort to snatch a go-ahead goal before the cessation of P1 hostilities? Ben Morgan, formerly captain of the Dogs, but, when he was, not a distiller of rum as far as I am aware, hauled down Norris as he latched onto a stretch pass and hammered towards goal as if there was no tomorrow. If he, Norris or anyone else for that matter, thought there was going to be no tomorrow, he was wrong, as, if you are reading this today (yesterday’s tomorrow) there clearly was and is. A shrill blast emitted from the referee’s whistle and Morgan had his collar felt. It was arguably a penalty worth taking, at least so the Dogs must have thought at the time, but, much to their very grave chagrin I am sure, it proved not to be such. Whilst Morgan was doing his stretch of solitary and able to reflect on his misdeed and emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later, his spell down the steps was cut short when Bison bagged one in the dying embers of the period. Gordon “George” Norcliffe dug the puck out and short passed to Tait. Back in 1961 Del Shannon (that’s the geezer playing  a Gretsch guitar above) had a bit hit with “Runaway”, in which he lamented “and I wonder, I wa wa wa wa wonder, why a why why why why why she ran away, my little runaway, my run run run run runaway”. Well at this moment it wasn’t Del Shannon’s “she” who ran way. No indeed. It was the Dogs’ D. Netman Dmitri Zimozdra went to ground to save Tait’s shot but the rebounded rubber went straight to Klejna. The hapless goaltender was now up a gum tree, up the creek without a paddle and floundering like a beached whale all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking). Klejna stood, perhaps not on the steps of destiny, but certainly in front of an inviting open net, much larger than Ena Sharples’s hair net (see below). The Slovak chap slapped the biscuit into the stringbag and it was 2-1 Bison with only 2.6 seconds of P1 on the clock – a timely strike indeed.

Into the 2^nd epoch of play we passed. And it would be the Dogs who would level it on 25:11. The puck bobbled around in the Bison defensive zone with the homesters unable to clear it. Suddenly it broke to Jack Brammer, a callow youth of 16, who rifled it top ched like an experienced pro. Well done to him. Reece Cochrane and Ben Morgan picked up assists. 2-2.

7 minutes later Bison snatched back the lead. You may recall on Boxing Day last Adam Harding scored a goal against the Swindon Wildcats from behind the goal line by banking in a shot off the goaltender. The ever curmudgeonly Cats’ coach Aaron Nell, in a fit of resentment devoid of generosity and suffering from a bankruptcy of spirit, whilst wallowing in a sea of begrudgement (OK that’s may not be a real word but it should be), described Harding’s goal as “the luckiest goal you’ll ever see”, indicating that it was unintentional. Not so. He proved it by doing exactly the same thing on 32:46. With Zimozdra down on the ice like a beached whale up a gum tree without a paddle once more, Harding saw the opportunity and fired in off the helpless custodian’s skate from behind the goal line. Mr. Nell were you watching? Assists to Norris and Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones. For Zimozdra it was a perfectly beastly moment. Had he been from the East End of London like me, he might have been moved to shout “COWSON”, but he isn’t and didn’t. 3-2 Bison.

P2 ended and into the final epoch we moved and it didn’t take long for Bison to extend their lead. Set up by Ryan Sutton and Sam “Turbo” Talbot, Dangling Dick Bordowski skated out in front of goal and then fired in a wrist shot bar Mexico on the swivel. (Bar what? It’s hockey parlance for off the bar and down of course). 4-2 Bison.

The Dogs were not done yet, however, and on 51:11 they stormed back into a solitary goal deficit with a superbly executed move up the left wing, a cut inside and an unleashing of an unstoppable wrist shot past Mettam by Vladimir Luka. Lovely move and score it has to be said. Tim Smith assisted. 4-3 Bison, but the Dogs very much back in it.

The clock ticked down and the Dogs were, not quite in the last chance saloon, but fast entering the period where they had to crank up the pressure and not give away any penalties to make them short handed with 5 minutes to play. Simon Sudbury was a very silly fellow. That’s the geezer above or at least what’s left of him. As Lord Chancellor he introduced a crippling poll tax on the people of England. This was the spark which lit the powder keg which was the Peasants’ Revolt of 1381. An enraged mob of thousands of downtrodden serfs led by Wat Tyler and Jack Straw marched on London and burst into the Tower of London where Sudbury was hiding. The angry villagers dragged out the terrified Lord Chancellor and decapitated the featherbrained fellow. He just hadn’t thought the poll tax thing through, had he? On a Simon Sudbury scale of silliness where 1 is very sensible and 10 is very silly, the Dogs scored 10. It all started on 55:48 when the bell tolled for Lewis Bell, guilty of a late hit. Off to the glasshouse went the miscreant. “OK see out the power play and we still have 2:12 to bag a levelling score,” must have been the visitors’ thoughts. A sound plan indeed. But alas with one fatal flaw. They couldn’t defend the power play. Set up by Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, Bordowski rapped a shot against the bar. It wasn’t bar Mexico this time as the puck flew sideways. Zimozdra must have been pleased when he heard the distinctive sound of rubber against metal as he realised that the goal frame had saved his bacon. He may even have been filled with a warm glow of satisfaction, which would of course have put him in a different place to the Rolling Stones (see below), whose lead singer, Mick Jagger, told us back in 1965 “I can't get no. No no, no. Satisfaction. Hey, hey, hey. That's what I say. I can't get no satisfaction”. However, whether or not he did experience such an emotion must remain a matter of speculation. The unfortunate fellow he must have been filled with a sense of foreboding, disaster and indeed impending doom immediately after as the rebounded puck went straight to Alex Sampford, but not via Mexico. Just as Klejna had espied a massive expanse of Ena Sharples-esque net for Bison’s first goal, Sampford now saw the same. The hapless and helpless goaltender was a beaten and broken man in front of him. The dictionary defines “thwack” as “to strike or beat vigorously with something flat” Sampford duly multi-taskedly thwacked, whacked, wellied, leathered and smote the puck all at the same time and it flew into Ena’s hairnet for goal no 5. It was now 5-3 Bison with 3:35 remaining.

OK so that wasn’t good for the Dogs, but, if they avoided any more Simon Sudbury silliness, they were still in with a chance. After all 2 goals in 3:35 can be done. But Simon Sudbury was to rear his ugly head once again, not once but twice. On 57:54 Luka went down the steps for a late hit. 5 on 4. Then on 58:23 Smith was thrown in the can for charging. 5 on 3 and curtains for the Dogs. Their chances of levelling it up were now deader than a do-do if indeed there can be degrees of deadness – I mean you’re either dead or you aren’t. You can’t be deader than something else which is also dead, can you? Never mind all that. The Dogs had the final task of defending the 5 on 3 to achieve a modicum of respectability at least. They failed. With 23 seconds remaining Jones slewed an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Tait. The latter then found the man over at the back door. It was Klejna. He hammered the biscuit straight through the 5-hole of Zimozdra, who had another good reason to shout “COWSON”. With the concession of the 6^th Bison goal the mood in away fans block became funereal. Black armbands were donned, obituaries were written and eulogies were read. 6-3 Bison and goodnight Vienna.

Top bananas were elected. Luka won the Dogs’ award and Talbot took the Bison beers.

Night of the Netmen

Bison 2 Leeds Chiefs 0

22/2/20

If you look back in history you will find a veritable cornucopia of incredible achievements by man. In 1909 Louis Blériot became the first man to fly across the English Channel......

..... in 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first men to conquer Mount Everest......

..... in 1969 Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the Moon.

 

The monumental task, with which I am faced, is how to write 1,500 words on a game with only two goals. I will have a go, dear reader, but I will almost certainly slide into the bubbling cesspool of failure and I hope I will be forgiven.

The visitors to Planet Ice last night were the Leeds Chiefs in their very first season. They languish at the bottom of the league, lower even than the Bracknell Bees, which is an achievement in itself, albeit an unwanted one, knowing how bad the Bees are (see previous reports to enjoy the veritable smorgasbord of trousers down spankings which Bison have doled out to their bumbling rivals). The Chiefs have only 11 wins from 40 games (now 41), but they are an embryonic outfit and I am sure we will see a vastly improved team next season, which cannot be said about the Bees, especially if they can hang on to their star man from last night’s game, namely goaltender Sam Gospel, who faced 40 shots and allowed (strange use of wording that – I mean it sounds so polite) only 2. Bison backers will remember that the Chiefs achieved a double header win when last at the Basingstoke Arena. Were they going to make it 3 out of 3? Well actually no they didn’t, as you will have gathered already from reading the score at the beginning of this report.

P1 opened and it was all Bison from start to finish. 14 shots were rained in on Gospel whereas at the other end, Alex “Mittens” Mettam was tested on only 2 occasions. Despite the bombardment of the Leeds net, the period produced only a single goal. This was scored on 13:33. Coach Tait away to the goal tender’s right found Sean “Eminem” Norris behind the goal line. Was the coach going to let the grass grow under his feet? Well, grass growing though the icepad is one thing we haven’t yet seen at our crumbling rink, but it could happen. The long-in-the-tooth coach cast aside any thoughts of what the ravages of time may have done to his creaking and indeed enfeebled 44 year old limbs. Indeed no, Matron. Coach Tait wasn’t going to let the grass, or anything else for that matter, grow under his feet. On his part there was no unconditional surrender, no slide into the quagmire of defeatism, no meek acceptance of the decrepitisation (OK that’s not a real word) of his crumbling form. He threw aside his Zimmer frame and advanced through the secondary crease. (If you are unaware of what the secondary crease is, ask the Bespectacled Youth – he’s researched it you know). Norris fired a lay it on a plate pass from behind the goal line into the path of the advancing geriatric. Perhaps Tait should have phoned the Police to report the Leeds’ D as missing persons, but he had no time. He smacked the puck home past a startled Gospel for his 20^th goal of the season. If there were any members of the aristocracy present (unlikely) they may have described the goal as spiffing, spanking, top drawer, wizard or capital. What ho? To the rest of us it was just a bloody good goal. 1-0 Bison. By the way anyone who has seen Ashley Tait play will know that above description of him is load of unadulterated claptrap, but hey! you don’t read these reports expecting accuracy do you? Why let the truth get in the way of a good story?

P1 ended with no further scoring, so into P2 we passed. We were to see an improved Leeds performance, but not by much. Offensively yes, but defensively no. They managed to quadruple their tally of shots on the Mettam net from P1, 8 in total, but the Yorkshireman (yes he’s actually from Sheffield, but, as far as I am aware, does not possess a cloth cap or a whippet) proved equal to all of them. Was he going to achieve something beginning with S? No-one dared to utter that word. At the other end Bison fired 16 shots at a frequently hung out to dry Gospel. Never mind the gospel according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. This was the Gospel according to Sam – the gospel of top notch goaltending as he stopped 15 of them. But alas for the beleaguered netman he was once again let down by chunderous defending. On 31:42 an attempted clearance out of defense met with a disaster, perhaps not as cataclysmic as the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 admittedly, but a calamity, a debacle and a catastrophe nevertheless. A Leeds D-man who I shall decline to identify, not to spare his blushes, but because I have no idea who he was, hoisted a clearance into the air. His heart must have sunk as a marauding Norris batted down the airborne puck, took control and skated across the goal, leaving the D-man for dead.....

Back in 1964 the Velvelettes released their classic Tamla Motown song “Needle in a Haystack”, in which they told us … 

“Findin' a good man, girls, is like findin' a

Needle in a haystack

What I say, girls?

Needle in a haystack

Shee-doop, wha-la, Shee-doop

Shee-doop wha-la”

Well Norris didn’t have a task half as difficult as finding a needle in haystack. All he had to do was find a team-mate to slam the puck into the net past the goaltender. However, facing the wrong way, he had to rely on telepathy and hope that one of his line mates had the fleet footedness and slippery eel-esque qualities to evade the Leeds D. His no look drop pass was indeed rewarded as there, charging forward with the speed of Kanazawa to Tokyo bullet train and displaying the enigmatic elusiveness of a jack-o'-lantern on a dark night, was Michal Klejna. The Slovak chap hammered home from the secondary crease, which is of course located in front of the primary crease (I’ve already told you to ask the bespectacled Youth about that). It was a Shee-doop, wha-la goal and by way of celebration a convulsive commotion characterised by a cacophony of caterwauling broke out in the Bison blocks. 2-0 Bison.

P2 ended without further scoring and a cumulative shot count of 30-10 in Bison’s favour. It had looked like plain sailing so far, but, as we know, 2 goals can be scored in the blink of an eye and the points were far from in the bag. But the Chiefs could not breach the defenses of Mettam in the final epoch and Gospel, who had played like the Berlin Wall in the first period and the gates of Fort Knox in the second, now displayed the impregnable qualities of the Iron Fortress of Rajsasthan (that's the gaff below) and shut out the Bison onslaught. The highlights of the period were Referee Brooks falling over, this evoking a cheer which reached a higher decibellular level than when Bison had scored, and Referee Jarvie picking up a discarded stick and skating along with it during active play as if to say, “Look here you Leeds chappies, I’m going to show you how to score a goal.” Thankfully he made no attempt to do so, as it transpired.

And so P3 ended with Bison very worthy winners by 2-0. Top bananas were appointed. Of course it was a netman’s night with Gospel and a save percentage of 95% carrying the day (evening) for the Chiefs and Mettam with the S-word which no-one dared to utter. Well done both of them.

P.S. OK only 1,330 words. Perhaps I should have taken on scaling Everest instead.