Heist of the century!

Bison 3 Peterborough Phantoms 4 (shoot out)

24/9/16

Have you ever heard of Roy James, Charlie Wilson and Gordon Goody? Probably not. But you may have heard of Bruce Reynolds, Ronnie Biggs and Buster Edwards. Six of the Great Train Robbers of course. Back in 1963, long before plastic fivers were ever thought of, they pulled off one of the greatest heists in criminal history when they stopped and robbed a Royal Mail train and made off with £2.6m (equivalent to £50m today which equates to 10,000,000 plastic fivers). Well last night we saw an audacious heist of similar proportions as the Phantoms, outplayed and considerably outshot (39-15 actually), made off with the win after an eventful penalty shoot out, which included a fight (yes you are reading that correctly). It may not have been a criminal heist, but it certainly was a hockey heist.

Bison started badly and found themselves 1-0 to the bad on 1:25. From a face off they failed to clear the puck from in front of goal. Petr Stepanek squeezed off a shot, which Tomas Hiadlovsky saved. Alas for him, the puck bobbled into the path of Martins Susters who tapped it in. Will Weldon with the second assist. Martins Susters? I always have a problem with players with “S”s on the ends of their names. How many of them are there? One, two or four?

If that had been a lucky goal for the visitors an even luckier one would put them 2-0 up in the 8^th minute. Weldon scored from behind the goal as his speculative pass forwards (or backwards to look at it another way) hit Hiadlovsky and went in. It was a disaster for the hapless netminder. Not so much an “Ooo Matron” moment, but more an “Ooo Betty” one. The attempt to score may have been intentional, but probably wasn’t. Stepanek, later to attain infamy as one of the shoot out pugilists, was awarded an assist for the goal.

There was no more scoring in P1 and the interval buzzer sounded with the Phantoms enjoying a commanding lead they did not deserve. Do I hear Phantoms fans saying the words “grapes” and “sour”? Let them doubt my impartiality, if they wish (OK I’m not impartial at all – everyone knows that), but let’s look at the facts. For 20 minutes Bison had given as good as they had got, they had outshot the Phantoms by 8-6, but had nothing to show for their efforts, while the visitors had scored twice from only 6 on target shots and both had been scored with slices of good fortune. Sour grapes? If you like.

What we witnessed in the interval was pure farce. Far be it from me to offer an opinion as I have never driven a Zamboni or resurfaced an ice pad. Neither can I skate or even report accurately on a hockey game (if you’re one of my regular readers you’ll know that already). However …. the Zamboni trundled around the pad belching out what must have been thousands of gallons of water onto the ice. The end result was a swimming pool, which would have been fine if you had had Michael Phelps, Tom Daley and Ellie Simmonds in your team, but none of those were present. The Zamboni returned to hoover up the excess water as an avalanche of appropriate music including “Cry me a River” and “Aqua Marina” (she was Troy Tempest’s squeeze in Stingray – remember?) blared from the tannoy. Bavi you are like Brian – a very naughty boy.

Well things could only get better we thought. And indeed they did but also didn’t. Bison completely, utterly and comprehensively, not to mention thoroughly, unanimously and without fear of contradiction dominated the 2^nd period, running the Phantoms ragged and outshooting them by 15-4. It must have been a ghastly experience for the ghostly visitors. The “didn’t” part of things getting better came when the end of period buzzer sounded and the deficit was still 2 goals. How on earth? Read on, dear reader, and I shall relate how a cracking goal wiped out all Bison’s valiant efforts.

Bison took up the gauntlet immediately and continued to hammer into their opponents. But the Phantoms’ net held out. Bison were in danger of becoming as frustrated as a grandad, who hasn’t eaten for a week, finding himself sitting in front of a big, fat, juicy steak, but unable to locate his dentures. Surely it was only a matter of time before the homesters scored. And indeed it was, but they had to wait until the 31^st minute before they finally found a way past Janis Auzins, a man who enjoys a similar degree of popularity at Basingstoke as Scott Spearing. Craig Wallis was called for tripping. “It’s a spell of chokey for you me old china,” or words to that effect were uttered by referee Brooks and off to the penal institute went the miscreant without his dog Grommitt. Just over a minute later Bison made the man advantage count when a pass from Long Ciaron Long or Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer (I am not sure which, but they were both credited with assists) found René Jarolin at the hash marks. He raised his stick and fired in a clapper. The puck slammed into the net with the speed a Big Mac disappearing down the gullet of a cholesterophile gourmand, who, like the dentureless grandad mentioned above, hadn’t eaten for a week. At last a Bison goal. 1-2.

A minute later it was the Phantoms’ turn to go on a 5 on 4. Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson went from last week’s hat-trick hero to a slashing villain and was ordered to the house of correction. 22 seconds into the powerplay and it was back to a 2 goal advantage for the Phantoms. Set up by Marc Levers and James Ferrara, Stepanek hammered in a slap shot via the goal frame from just inside the blue line. The goal was a tragedy, not a Shakespearean tragedy or even Greek tragedy, but a hockey tragedy for Bison, but you had to admire the ferocity of the shot. 1-3.

There were no more goals in P2 and Bison went into the interval with a shots advantage of 23-10 over the 2 periods, but an all that mattered goals deficit of 1-3. They had to continue their all out assault on the Auzins net in P3 if they were going to get anything out of the game and this they did. Reward arrived early. On 41:26 Balmer and Karpov combined to set up Antonov. Was it Ivan or Vanya? I am not sure. But whichever one it was he trapped the puck, swivelled and fired the puck into the top corner of the net. It was a superb finish. The goal was greeted by an explosion of noise from the Bison blocks. Whoops were whooped and hollers hollered. Shouts of “that’s one in the eye for you Phantoms”, “dashed fine shot, old bean” and “Holy guacamole” were heard.

Bison were now very much in the ascendancy. The level of intensity they displayed in P2 was kept up and it finally paid dividends on 53:48. Antonov proved you don’t have to be big to be effective as he won the puck in a physical tussle on the boards and slipped it inside to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, who took the puck forward and found himself with only Auzins to beat. This was not the moment to dither, dilly-dally or descend into a state of indecision and indecisiveness. Karpov had to flummox Auzins. He had to be as sharp as a pencil and as cool as a cucumber. He went 5-hole. We heard a thud. Oh dear Auzins had blocked it. But no the puck had hit his pad, passed through the said 5-hole and then slowly pea rolled over the line. 3-3.

Bison continued to press forward for a winner with the Phantoms looking happy just to hang on. This the visitors did and so into overtime we passed. Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird had been called for a penalty with 22 seconds of regulation time remaining so we found Bison defending a 4 on 3 for the first 1:38 of overtime. There were no goals in overtime and, in fact barely a shot – Bison had one on target and the Phantoms none. So onto the dreaded lottery of a penalty shoot out we passed. With 2 successful shots (Padelek and Levers) to Bison’s 1 (Polodna) the Phantoms won it. However, the highlight, although I feel it somewhat inappropriate to describe it as such, was an unseemly altercation of the most opprobrious variety as Stepanek, having had his shot saved by Hiadlovsky, argued about it and then assaulted the goaltender in a display of the worst kind of bad sportsmanship you could imagine. Blistering Biriyanis! Long Ciaron Long left the bench and laid into the chuntering Czech chap and a fight ensued. The consequence was 28 penalty minutes to Long 29 to Stepanek.

Levers’s winning penalty shot brought an end to the evening’s proceedings. Weldon and Karpov were elected Top Bananas for their respective teams. Bison had to be content with a solitary point from a game they deserved to win comfortably. But such is hockey. The Great Train robbers would have been impressed.

Thompson’s Tremendous Treble Trumpets Titanic Triumph

Bison 8 Bracknell Bees 1

17/9/16

In Greek mythology, Icarus and his father Daedalus attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. Daedalus warned his son not to fly too high or the sun's heat would melt the wax holding the feathers together. Alas Icarus ignored his father's instructions whereupon the wax in his wings melted and he fell to an ignominious doom into the sea. Ayeeee! The moral of the story is over confidence can lead to disaster. Could the Icarus factor have explained Bison’s downfall last weekend with 2 defeats to open the EPL season? Maybe, maybe not. If you are one of my regular readers you will realise I know nothing about hockey, so who am I to judge.

So we come to last night’s game. What better chance did Bison have of making amends for their chunderous first weekend than entertaining the Bracknell Bees, last season’s bottom of the pile team, a team with numerous changes and a load of new unproven imports. And the homesters took full advantage and dished out a sound flagellation.

The game opened and Bison had no intention of hanging around. Early pressure paid off with a goal on 3:37. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds burst forward on a rare attacking foray over the blue line. His shot was blocked, but Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson picked up the puck wide of the goal and whipped in a wristy. The aristocrat in Block A was moved to shout, “Oh Crickey. Ghastly defending, but a frightfully good goal. Top hole you chappies.” 1-0 Bison.

However, much to the chagrin of the aristocrat, the Bison lead was short lived. Only 31 seconds of play elapsed before the Bees bumbled back with an equalising score. Bison looked half asleep, wide open and out to lunch as Alex Barker centred for Luka Basic to drive in from in front of the net. Oh dear Bison. Icarus, Icarus, ICARUS! Was that mythological birdman rearing his ugly head once more?

Bison had to play fruitlessly for nearly 10 minutes more before retaking the lead with a power play goal on 13:48. Lukas Smital was called for slashing. You would have hoped that the player/coach would have set a better example, but no. He was lucky that the referee was Dave Cloutman not Hanging Judge Jeffries on this occasion and it was only 2 minutes in the penalty box for him. Don’t ask me to describe the goal – all I saw a big bundle in front of the net. On came the red light and it was 2-1 Bison. The scorer was announced as Dan Davies. Had the announcer been Michael Caine he might have added “not a lot of people know that” as I suspect most of crowd had no idea who it was who had put the puck in the net. Long Ciaron Long was declared to have been Desperate Dan’s assistant.

Another goal arrived less than a minute later. The 3rd goal was a completely different kettle of fish to the 2nd. No poaching of mackerel was involved for a start. Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and Dan “The Specs” Lackey were the lackeys on this occasion. Baird passed to his lackey, Lackey, whose movement forward was presto, pronto, chop-chop, schnell and rápido. He centred to an unmarked Tommo. Shaun “The Sheep” received the puck wide of the goal, picked his spot and rifled home a top shelfer past a stunned Alex Mettam, who clattered into the goal frame and caused it to leave its moorings. “Not soon enough,” said Ref Cloutman as he flat handedly pointed at the net. “The puck was already over the line”. 3-1 Bison.

P1 ended and P2 opened and it wasn’t long before Bison put themselves in an even more commanding position. On 45:56 Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov weaved his magic (silly expression really – you can weave cloth, but how can you weave magic?) behind the goal line and then picked out Kurt “The Scissors” once more marauding forwards. He picked up the puck and sent in a too-hot-to-handle wristy, which Mettam saved, but spilled. Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack was there to stab in the rebounded rubber. His sister Amy resisted the temptation to punch the air in celebration, which was just as well as she was one of the linesmen (should that be linespersons?) and it wouldn't have looked appropriate. 4-1 Bison.

It was looking like a hopeless cause for the Bees, but they didn’t give up the ghost and, with defending more concrete than wet paper bag in character, they kept Bison out for most of the rest of the period. However, all good things must come to an end, just as everything which goes up must come down (just ask Sir Isaac Newton about that one) and their resolute Great Wall of China-esque resistance terminated in a most ignominious fashion with a Long Ciaron Long wrap-around goal in the 38^th minute. Petr Polodna’s shot was saved by Mettam, but Long Ciaron picked up the puck, passed around the back of the goal and prodded it in between Mettam and post. The goaltender may not have been homeless, but he was hapless, helpless and hopeless on this occasion. 5-1 Bison.

So we moved into P3 with the Bees on the wrong end of a chunderous scoreline. Let us consider a scenario. Would the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A sell his Chippendale chairs for a tenner a throw? He might if his house was on fire, his contents insurance had run out and his neighbour was offering him £10 for each. That would be what we call “damage limitation”. And that’s exactly what the Bees had to practice to avoid being on the end of an embarrassing flagellation. They failed. Damage became more damage and, as the Rabble Rouser’s chairs burned, just like Rome did as Nero fiddled, so the Bees chances of keeping the score respectable smouldered, caught fire and ended up burned to a cinder. Blistering Biriynais!

5-1 became 6-1 on 45:46 as Polodna’s pass enabled Stuart “The Cat” Mogg to burst forward and feed Matt Towlaski. The man, who sounds like a Russian import but isn’t either Russian or an import, proved he is more than just a corner grinder by whipping a wrist shot past the luxuriantly bearded but follically challenged Mettam. Another former Bee to join Thompson and Lack on the scoresheet.

6-1 became 7-1 some 3 minutes later. Fed by Moggie, Long Ciaron fired a shot goalwards and there was Shaun “The Sheep” to direct it home past a startled Mettam. It was a wacko-the-diddle-o moment for Tommo – a hat trick to his name and against his old team. His brother Carl resisted the temptation to leave the Bees’ bench and join in the congratulations. That wouldn’t have looked good.

7-1 became 8-1 on 49:21 with a Karpov special. The Czech chap picked up the puck from Desperate Dan Davies and, as Shakespeare might have said, …. “didst moveth f'rward with the elusivity of a slipp'ry eel”. Well he would have slipped through the defence like a slippery eel had there been any. Alas the Bees’ D were conspicuously absent and no slippery or eel-esque qualities were required by Karpov to move into a scoring position. This he did, picked his spot and whipped in a top shelf wrist shot past Mettam and his beard. 8-1 Bison and the Bees facing a bigger calamity than Calamity Jane herself.

Could Bison go on to record double figures? A couple of goals past a woeful Bees team looked possible or even probably, but it was not to be as the Bees, although caught with their trousers down, were not going to allow themselves to be spanked. At last they jumped on the damage limitation wagon and kept Bison at bay for the last 10 minutes. In fact they pressed very hard in the last few minutes in an attempt to bag a second goal. And why not? An 8-2 defeat would look better than an 8-1 defeat, albeit not by much. However, to breach the Bison defence was proving as difficult as it would be to cut through the crust of a two-month-old British Rail pork pie using a plastic knife and fork. They failed in the former and it must remain a matter of speculation as to whether or not any of them tried the latter.

The final buzzer sounded and it was all over. Bison’s Top Banana was, of course, Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson with Josh Tetlow picking up the MoM beers for the Bees. A resounding win for Bison and no sign of Icarus.

RIP Alex Collins

Sad news received on Friday that Alex had died suddenly at the age of 87. Alex was a stalwart of Block C for many years, supporting Bison through thick and thin. He appeared in my reports as The Man from MI5. He was a great sport and had no problem with my creating this absurd imaginary persona out of him. Dressed as always in his mac he reminded me of someone from a John Le Carré spy novel and this inspired me to write nonsense of this sort:

“The puck flew high into the net. “Not even the Berlin wall could have stopped that,” thought the Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C.”

“The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, needed a drink to calm his nerves, but alas the Planet Ice refreshments counter could not serve him a Martini (shaken not stirred).”

Cheerio Alex. We’ll all miss you. I’m sure you will be observing incognito from somewhere else.