Bordowski Blasts Bison Back From the Dead

Bison 6 London/Romford Raiders 5 (OT)

24/11/18

So there was this geezer called Lazarus. And he was a bit off colour. His sisters sent word to Jesus to come and sort him out. But alas Lazarus was very off colour and by the time Jesus arrived he was told “too bleeding’ late, matey, the geezer’s croaked”. So they went to Lazarus’s tomb and Jesus shouted “Get your ass out here, Lazarus.” Well Lazarus didn’t have an ass in there so he came out himself – alive and kicking. It was a miracle. Had Lazarus been present at Planet Ice last night he would have been impressed at how Bison also came back from the dead to win the game against the Raiders after all had looked lost.

P1 opened and it turned out to be an epoch boasting a solitary goal. That arrived as early as 1:41, lulling Bison backers into a false sense of security I dare say. A fast breakout move developed. As the trio of Bison players, namely Paul Petts, Michal Klejna and Coach Ashley Tait tore apart the Raiders’ D, their dazzling movement could hardly be described as apathetic, torpid, phlegmatic or lethargic. Heavens no! They didn’t behave like a bunch of indolent sluggards, but did indeed hastened forward with tempo, momentum, rapidity, vivacity and velocity, displaying stick handling skills of the highest dexterity, adroitness and finesse. It was Ooo Matron stuff. The final across the crease pass by Klejna was banged home by Tait, who had proved he is no couch potato or even coach potato and had got forward at breakneck speed. 1-0 Bison. It was all wine and roses.

There were no more goals in the period and so we moved into P2. What could possibly go wrong? How about ….. everything. I will not chronicle the events in great detail except to say that the Raiders banged in 5 goals without reply in a 10 minute period, the scorers being Liam Chong, Juraj Huska, Callum Wells, Dan Scott and Brandon Ayliffe. At 1-4 the Man in The Charlestown Chiefs shirt had drained his bottle of Valium and was starting on his Prozac. By 1-5 to the Raiders that bottle was empty too. He asked the Che Guevara impersonator if he had any he could borrow. The latter replied “No amigo, but I have a gun if you wish to blow your brains out.” It was a very tempting offer.

So ended the period and rarely would you see a more one sided period with the Raiders totally dominant. A shot count of 17-8 and a 5 goal bag without reply bore witness to that. For the visitors it had been a ying and yang and yippiedeedoo epoch, surely one of the best they are likely to play all season. They must have believed they were on their way to a big win. What could possibly go wrong in P3? Well ….. everything. So don’t go away depressed, disappointed and defeated, dear Bison reader. You spirit will be lifted to previously unachieved heights of nirvana if you read on and allow me to regale you of the extraordinary events of the next 20 minutes playing time as well as a bit tacked on after.

One can only imagine the roasting delivered to the team by Coach Redmond in the interval. As P2 had unfolded he could be seen on the bench becoming increasingly animated, flushed, embarrassed and angry all in equal measure. His bald patch had gone from pink to red and there was a realistic danger of blood vessels being burst. Bison had 2 options as they came out for P3. They could go for damage limitation or they could go for the jugular. The latter course of option was chosen and we were treated to the most astonishing turnaround since Lazarus walked out of his cave and said, “what’s all the fuss about.” Mystic Jo said, "all we need is 5 goals." And she was right.

On 46:34 Bison finally managed to pull a goal back. Liam “Square Sausage” Morris set Dangling Dick Bordowski away on the right wing. He cut in and fired the puck across the goal. Suddenly the goal light was on, shining forth like a lighthouse beacon on a black night. Had it gone in off the goaltender, a defender or had Sean Kelly at the back door slammed it home? I cannot say. Bordo got the credit and it was 2-5. Surely a consolation. Well no as it proved.

Dangling Dick reared his ugly (well from a Raiders’ perspective) head again on 52:46. Raiders’ captain Aaron “Billy” Connolly had been sent to the slammer for holding the stick (presumably somebody else’s as holding your own stick is surely allowed, but, having said that, so perplexing are some of the rule interpretations by certain officials, who shall remain nameless to avoid me being the defendant in a libel action, that it wouldn’t surprise me if a player could be penalised for even that). 23 seconds into the 5 on 4 Morris and Alex Sampford combined to set up Dangling Dick. The Czech chap purply propelled the puck through the 5-hole of goaltender, Ben Clements and it was 3-5. Surely only a second consolation? Well no as it proved. Just over a minute later Bordo was to prove the undoing of the Raiders once more, as I shall relate, dear reader.

On 54:04 Dangling Dick dived on a depressingly disappointing, dilatory, dither to dispossess a dumkopf D-man in mid ice. He advanced in a netwards direction in a manner which could be described as presto, pronto, chop-chop, schnell and rápido and, as he approached the goal, there to him was revealed like a vision, the inviting 5-hole of Clements, through which he had driven the puck only 1:18 ago. Said 5-hole seemed as large as that of the Colossus of Rhodes (see below). Dick put lumber to rubber and the puck crossed the line to make it 4-5. Blimey! Surely they couldn’t, could they? Well maybe.

Bison continued to press, but, much to their chagrin, things went what could have been terminally pear shaped on 56:06 with a slashing call on Alex “Mittens” Mettam. “All we have to do is see the penalty out and then defend the goal even handed for the last 2 minutes –easy,” thought the Raiders’ bench. So they didn’t put themselves out on the power play, but kept it tight and successfully avoided a shortie.

Out of the box came Kelly, who had been banged up on Mettam’s behalf, to restore the 5 on 5 and now Bison had less than 2 minutes to save the game. The clock ran down and with only half a minute to go Mettam was dragged from the net, thankfully not by his beard. On came the extra skater and 10 seconds later it was all square as Sampford fired home a bobbling around puck with only 18 seconds left. 5-5 and this time the Raiders were reaching for Che Guevara’s gun. Klejna and Tait were recongnised as Sampford’s little helpers.

Had there been any members of the aristocracy amongst the Raiders’ contingent they might have described the goal which completed the comeback as “perfectly beastly” because, from the Raider’s perspective, that was what it was. Back in 1964 the Searchers reached No.1 in the Hit Parade singing, “Don’t throw your love away, no-no-no-no”. Well a throw away was exactly what we had seen, not of love, but of the game by the Raiders. By never mind they could still win it in overtime.

And so we moved into a 3 on 3 overtime period of 5 minutes or at least it would have been. Enter Dangling Dick to settle it after 1:04. Adam Jones fired an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Coach Tait, who in turn fired an Ooo Matron one to Dangling Dick. He blasted home to make it an Ooo Betty evening for the Raiders. In Block C well known Bison fans Dizzie Gillespie, Benny Hill, Samuel L. Jackson, Field Marshal Montgomery, Che Guevara and Frank Spencer threw their berets into the air in celebration. (OK so I stopped taking notes at 1-5, so all this is a made up tissue of lies).

Suffice it to say that Bison were the winners and the hoodoo of the Crinkly Haired Bees defector was finally broken – her other 2 attendances at Bison games have both resulted in Bison losses.

Top Bananas were declared to be Blahoslav Novak for the Raiders and of course Dangling Dick Bordowski for Bison. Never before in the field of sporting conflict had so much been owed by so many to so few – well actually only one – Dangling Dick Bordowski. What a player.

Bison Win Cats’ Dog Fight

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 2 (shoot out)

10/11/18

It was a night of dramatic shootouts in the NIHL South. Bison shot down the Swindon Wildcats after a close exciting game, while the Bracknell Bees slumped to a penalties defeat at home to the Streatham Redhawks. Might the dastardly turncoats who deserted Bison to follow the Bees now think they jumped ship a trifle prematurely, as they wallow in their steaming cesspool of unspeakable treachery? Far be it from me to express an opinion. Anyway enough of that let’s get on to the excitement of the night, as Bison proved to those doubting deserting quislings that there is life after death.

Bison snatched a go ahead goal on 5:21 with a 5 on 3 power play goal. On 5:01 Tyler Plews, possibly named after Wat Tyler (who? See footnote 1), was dumfounded by the smart movement of Michal Klejna and sent him sprawling prostrate to the ice in a most ignominious fashion. 10 years on Devil’s Island would have been an appropriate punishment for Plews, but no only a 2 minute minor was the punishment. The Cats set about defending their goal in the ensuing 5 on 4 and were doing quite well until player/coach Aaron Nell perpetrated another trip. Surely a hanging offence this time? But no another 2 minute minor, which reduced the Cats to 3. They had 1:32 to keep the homesters out. Things were going well until with 5 seconds of the 5 on 3 remaining things went very badly. Adam Jones, not to be confused with Chris Jones or Sam Jones, who were playing for the Cats (common name it would appear), set up Alex Sampford for the shot. Renny Marr, not to be confused with Jordan Marr who plays for the Phantoms of course, made the save. But the puck spilled to the ice as loose as a goose. Back in 1984 Bonnie Tyler (no relation to Wat Tyler) told us she was holding out for a hero or was it a heron? One of the two. Well she told us that that hero or heron had to be strong, he had to be fast and he had to be fresh from the fight. Well the Bison hero (no herons were icing) in front of goal was Dangling Dick Bordowski. He satisfied two of Bonnie Tyler’s requirements – he was strong and fast but failed on the third as he hadn’t had a fight. No matter. He hammered the puck past Marr and it was 1-0 Bison.

The period played out with no further scoring. It had been quite an even contest and all to play for as we entered P2.  Bison’s advantage doubled after only 56 seconds of the reopening of proceedings. And this was a comedy goal, at least from the Cats perspective. As Bordowski crossed the puck from the left, Marr and star D-man Stevie Whitfield, his long locks flowing from the back of his helmet, giving him a girl-esque appearance, got in a chunderous mess with Whitfield falling onto and then lying on top of Marr and, thus pinned to the ice Marr was emasculated as an effective shot stopper. It was a moment of farcical clumsiness which Frank Spencer and Norman Wisdom would have had difficulty improving on. At the back door was Doc Cowley to dish out the medicine as he drove the puck into an unguarded net. 2-0 Bison. (Frank who? Norman who? See footnote 2). Incidentally at one stage I’m sure I hear a shout of “Get your hair cut,” directed at Mr. Whitfield – a throw back comment to the days of the 60s. Anyone else hear that?

But the Cats were not dead and buried. Indeed no. Cancel the undertakers. They (the Cats that is not the undertakers – see footnote 3) came back with a power play goal on 27:47. The 5 on 4 was occasioned by Sam Smith perpetrating a high stick offense. As he sat watching the proceedings from his hard bench he must have been horrified to see Bison get into a defensive pickle 1:24 later. They failed to control and clear the puck, allowing the Cats to pull off an impressive piece of Ooo Matron tic-tac-toe hockey which found Nell as ignored as a flasher on a naturist beach. He hammered the puck into the net. 2-1. Luc Johnson and Max Birbraer were declared as his assistants.

 

P2 finished and so far it had been a very even contest with 18 shots on goal apiece. Was P3 going to prove the decisive period? Well no not exactly. The Cats came back to equalise to force the game into overtime and we were treated to some more comedy moments. The first occurred early in the period with Birbraer falling over backwards and landing rear end first on the ice with arms and legs flailing in the air by a dead fly. “Give him a penguin,” someone shouted, but none were available.

OK it might have been a bit cruel to mock a professional hockey player as he makes himself look like a complete plonker, but yes we laughed. Couldn’t help it. Later the same Birbraer experienced another issue of inability to balance. Alas I was looking elsewhere at the time and missed this moment of great slapstick comedy, so I have had to rely on the Man with 3 Ear Rings for his account of the incident. Many thanks to him. Apparently the aforementioned Birbraer moved toward the Bison bench in a menacing fashion and delivering his considered opinion, laced with expletives, so one account would have it, concerning an accidental collision in the crease between Cowley and Marr, which had just occurred. He should have given his action some forethought. He clearly hadn’t bargained on coming up against Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans, that well known pugilist of great renown. The latter pushed the former, who staggered backwards in a comical fashion, which, had it been executed in a film, would have won an Oscar.

And so two moments of great comedic value. Thanks Mr. Birbraer. In between times there was an equalising score for the Cats but not before Coach Nell had hammered the puck off the bar. The equalising score came on 54:37 with Sam Bullas whipping in a wrist shot. Nell and the comedic Birbraer were declared assistants to the scorer. 2-2.

The game lurched towards overtime with many a heart in many a mouth. Nell was unlucky again ringing one of the post late on. He must have thought there was a magnet in the puck. And then the Cats’ faithful thought they had scored as the net rippled, but went behind. As one they jumped from their seats, arms aloft with vociferous vocalisations vocalised vociferously. But no goal light came on and no flat netwardsly pointing Ref Matthews hand appeared. When they saw play continuing it must have been a bitter pill for them to swallow or at least it would have been had there been any available. No goal.

Finally regulation time ended and into overtime we went. There were no goals and so it was a nerve jangling, gut wrenching, edge of seat sitting, finger nail biting penalty shoot out to decide the game. Jan Kostal was first up. He shot and Alex “Mittens” Mettam saved. Then Michal Klejna whipped in a wrist shot to mar Marr’s evening. Pure comedy then followed with Chris Jones failing to even get a shot off as he fluffed it after an elaborate deke and the puck dribbled past the net unshot. Cowley missed. And so now it was all up to Coach Nell. He had rung the pipes twice already. Surely he couldn’t do it for a 3^rd time? Well yes he could and did. Bison win!

Top banana for the Cats was Marr. I might have elected Birbraer for 2 assists and 2 wonderful moments of huge comedic value. Klejna was top Bison. I might have been inclined to chose Mettam, who had another stellar evening. How anybody could have doubted this chap I don’t know.

Footnote 1 : Wat Tyler and Jack Straw were the leaders of the 1381 Peasants’ Revolt. Tyler marched a group of rebels from Canterbury to the capital to oppose the institution of a poll tax and demand economic and social reforms. During negotiations with King Richard himself at Smithfield a scuffle broke out and Tyler was wounded and taken to a hospital. He was later found, dragged back to Smithfield and decapitated. Blimey! That was a bit harsh. They don’t treat trade unionists like that these days.

Footnote 2 : For the benefit of readers under 50. Frank Spencer was of course the accident prone character played by in “Some mothers do ‘ave em”. Norman Wisdom was a British comic actor, most famous in the 50s and 60s, specialising in a hapless accident prone character.

 

Footnote 3 : The Undertakers were a “beat group” of the 60s, who enjoyed moderate success. They dressed as undertakers in black suits and top hats, but the publicity picture below suggests they were jolly people really.

Tait’s Clapper Seals the Redhawks’ Fate

Bison 4 Steatham Redhawks 3 (OT)

3/11/18

This was a cracking encounter, between two very evenly matched teams, swinging one way, then the other, then back again with the game being decided by an overtime clapper from Coach Ashley Tait. As I have told you about the game in one sentence, there is no need for you to read any further. However, should you wish to avail yourself of the details of the proceedings, feel free to read on.

On 7:46 Bison snatched a go ahead goal. The puck flew high into the air after a clash of sticks. Unsurprisingly it began to fall to earth, just as Sir Isaac Newton would have predicted. Doc Russ Cowley caught it, dropped it and kicked it into the path of Dangling Dick Bordowski. The Czech chap took off up the right wing. He hammered forward with electric pace, the arena lights glinting off his skate blades like the Sun’s rays off the chrome bumper of a ’57 Chevy (see below). In the meantime, Doc Cowley had not behaved as a laggardly sluggard. No indeed no couch potato was he as he also hammered forward and was there on the doorstep to receive the from the wing pass. Lumber hit rubber and the puck flew past a despairing Damien King in the Redhawks’ net. 1-0 Bison.

On 14:03 Danny Ingoldsby crossly checked someone and was called for a cross check. In the ensuing 5 on 4 the Redhawks worked the puck well to set up a chance for Scott Bailey. He looked certain to score until Adam Jones pulled off an Ooo Mr. Rigsby stick lift to deny him the chance. And seconds later a disaster on the scale of the eruptions of Vesuvius and Krakatoa combined occurred. The Redhawks conceded a short handed goal. It’s easy for me to say, but I’m sure every coach would agree, you should never concede a short handed goal. It’s almost as bad as conceding an even handed goal to a team of one armed men.

Rupert Quiney was in possession mid ice. He hesitatingly hummed and hared, hemmed and hawed until it was too late. Dangling Dick Bordowski pounced like a hungry praying mantis attacking a stick insect. The Czech chap pilfered the puck and as a result of the ignominious happenstance of dispossession Quiney found himself devoid of twig and, therefore, emasculated as an effective D-man, but, thankfully for him, not in any other meaning of the word. Dangling Dick’s dispelled dalliance, dithering and dilly-dallying. His determined direct dash dumbfounded the desperately defeated D. It was an odd man rush of 2 on 1 with Doc Cowley in support. The latter was not required as the Czech chap rifled the puck into the top corner. Had the net not been there the puck would have flown all the way to the Czech Republic. 2-0 Bison and cruising. What could possibly go wrong? Well actually everything. Read on, dear reader, notwithstanding that the following paragraphs may be painful to read, should you be of Bison orientation.

P1 ended. It had been a very even period, but it was the homesters who had got the goals. Could the men from the Smoke step up a gear in P2? Yes they could and put in a fantastic performance, outshooting Bison by 14-8 and bagging 3 goals without reply. The first came on 22:15 with an odd man rush. Scott Bailey fired across to the back door where Tom Beesley beat a sliding Alex “Mittens” Mettam. 2-1. Oh dear.

On 26:51 Adam Jones went down the steps for tripping and then on 28:21 Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph had his collar felt for cross checking. With only 5 seconds of the resultant 5 on 3 remaining it was all square as Alex Roberts’s shot was saved by Mettam only for Leigh Jamieson to fire the rebound into an open net. 2-2. Ooo Betty.

On 33:01 the  visitors grabbed a 3^rd goal to turn the game completely on its head. This time it was Adam Wood who smacked in a deflected shot from Jamieson. 2-3 Redhawks. Oh bloody.

I am sorry you had to read the last 3 paragraphs, dear Bison reader. I feel your pain. But let your spirits be uplifted. Going forward there is nothing bad to report, unless you feel that a declaration that P2 ended is something that may have you racing for the Prozac. P2 ended.

So it was all to play for. Could the Redhawks snatch a 4^th goal to kill off the comeback hopes of Bison? Well no they couldn’t. The pendulum of play swung completely the other way with Bison outshooting the Redhawks by 13-7 and finally snatching the levelling score on 43:39. But I jump ahead. Let us return to 42:04. Leigh Jamieson, tussled with Michal Klejna on the boards. An unsavoury embroilment of the most unseemly variety ensued and the former was called for roughing on the latter. Then on 43:09 James Warman executed an extraordinary pirouette/puck scoop and the biscuit flew high into the air and over the glass. Initially it looked as if nothing had been called, but eventually Ref Hewitt said to the hapless Warman “You’re going up the river for that, me old china. You’ve delayed my game.” Down the steps into the can and behind the metaphorical bars went the unfortunate fellow. 5 on 3 to Bison then. Could they make it pay? Yes they could, but alas not with a humdinger to write home about, but rather a scrappy effort which you wouldn’t want to write about at all. You wouldn’t, but I will. Jones was set up by Coach Tait for the shot from the hash marks. Alas his slap shot was an inadvertent aberration. Instead of flying into the net as the Bison backers were hoping, it moved gastropodally (OK that’s not a real word but is derived from the word gastropod and means sluggishly in case you’re wondering) along the ice to George “Gordon” Norcliffe, who deflected it, but failed to add any pace to the biscuit, which then moved in a loiteringly lethargic, leisurely and lackadaisical manner across the goal line, causing goaltender King to curse his luck that he hadn’t been able to stop a trickler. Had Carmen Miranda been present and a Bison fan she would have thrown her hat into the air, almost certainly with most disagreeable consequences. 3-3

P3 ended and we had 3 on 3 overtime to look forward to. That session began and 1:26 in disaster struck Bison. Referee Hewitt held up 4 fingers and 2 thumbs indicating too many men on the ice, whereas, more accurately he should have held up 4 fingers and never mind the thumbs as there should have been only 3 men on, but with the extra man there were 4. Perhaps he couldn’t count. Let’s not split hairs. Bench penalty to Bison. “We’ve had it now,” was the expert opinion offered by the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt, but what does he know? Very little I’m told. Bison hadn’t had it at all. They defended stoutly with Mettam making a couple of monumental stops in quick succession to save the homesters bacon. The penalty clock ticked down to zero and Sam Smith, who had taken the punishment for the penalty was suddenly paroled and, springing from his gloomy dungeon, joined the action. 13 seconds later it was the Redhawks who had had their chips, as a cracker of a clapper from Coach Tait saw them slump to an ignominious oblivion.

Tom “Wreck-it” Ralph fed the puck out of defense to Michal Klejna, who in turn fired forwards to Coach Tait. The latter advanced over the blue line. “That’s far enough,” thought the coach. “I think I’ll have a slap from here.” He raised his stick high into the air and brought it down in a long sweeping arc. The stick hit the ice just behind the puck, bent and restraightened (I could clearly see that from Block C Row F of course), sending the aforementioned biscuit rocketing past King’s head almost knocking off his crown and into the net, which bulged as a consequence. As the puck fell to the ice in accordance with Newton’s theory of gravity, the goal light blazed forth and it was game over.

Top Bananas were elected. Leigh Jamieson was considered to have been the most outstanding Redhawk and Coach Tait received the Bison accolade.