Combustible Fire Incinerated by Karpov Inferno

Bison 5 Cardiff Fire 1

28/10/17

Let’s give huge credit to Cardiff Fire for stepping up into the new NIHL South Div 1 from the old ENL 2, whilst others, who shall remain nameless, fled in the opposite direction. The Fire have become the whipping boys of the league, losing 9 out of 9 before last night’s game, not to mention being on the end of a number of embarrassing double figure score flagellations. Although we didn’t see a veritable trousers down spanking in terms of the score, we were witness to the most one sided game of hockey you are likely to see this season – in terms of one-sidedness you could liken it to a 100 meter sprint between Usain Bolt and Long John Silver. By the end of the evening the shot count was s staggering 52-7 and, had it not been for a laudable performance form Jordan Lawday in the Fire net, things would have looked a lot worse for the visiting leek bearing men of Cymru.

Let’s us begin at the beginning. Or rather 2:23 after the beginning. That’s when Bison bagged their first score. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds fired a shot from the slot, which Lawday saved. Alas for the hapless netman the puck went straight to Tomas Karpov, who banged it in. Lawday must have thought “Oh Lordy”. 1-0 Bison.

2-0 arrived on 13:01 and it was a well worked goal fashioned and scored by Ryan Sutton and Pol/Paul/Pot/Potts/Petts* (delete as necessary if you think the goal assistant was either a) the genocidal leader of the Khmer Rouge, or b) operatic tenor from Bristol, or c) a Bison hockey player. OK I’ll tell you just in case you were having difficulty with the above multiple choice. It was, of course, Paul Petts. Sutton took the puck across the ice and found Petts on the boards. He skated forward as Sutton was taking up a new position in front of the crease. Petts’s perfectly placed pass pinged back to Sutton, who drove the said biscuit through the isosceles triangle that is Lawday’s 5-hole. Had the Fire goaltender possessed a stick 20 feet long or, better still, extending arms like Twizzle (see below) he could have executed a poke check to stab the puck away from Sutton as he shaped to shoot. However, he didn’t have extendable limbs (well who does?) or indeed an outsized stick and could do no such thing. 2-0 Bison.

Goal no. 3 arrived soon after – on 15:58 to be precise. I can’t tell you about the build up as I wasn’t looking at the time. What I can tell you is that Josh Smith and Tomas Karpov were involved and were each declared as confederates to the scorer. What I did see was Desperate Dan Davies in front of goal shaping to fire in a wrist shot. However, before I continue with my narrative of the goal I hope you will allow me a digression of soupçon-esque proportions, dear reader. Is a keema nan airworthy? Yes it is. I have seen one fly through the air like a frisbee. It was thrown by a drunken diner in the Star of India restaurant in Romsey circa 1985. It flew out of the window and disappeared into the street below, hopefully not causing fatal injuries to a passer by. What relevance has this? Ok let’s go back to the goal. Davies flexed his wrists and the puck lifted from the ice and flew through the air displaying the aerodynamic qualities of a keema nan. The speed and placement of the shot were such that Lawday could not react and into the top corner went the biscuit. 3-0 Bison.

Soon after the buzzer to bring to a halt the Fire’s period of misery sounded. Outshot by 15-1, they trooped back to the locker room wondering how on earth they were even going to score a goal, let alone keep the score down to single figures. Back in 1993 we were told by D:Ream “Things can only get better”. And, would you believe, they did for the Fire in P2. Despite being hideously outshot by 14-4 Lawday laudably kept every on goal Bison attempt out and then, to cap it all, the Fire bagged a goal of their own as the period drew to a close. David Manning found David Christian, who snapped the puck past Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans in the Bison net. It could have been an all David goal, but alas for those to whom things like that matter (probably no-one) the second assistant was announced as Tamas Elias, who is not a David. By the way don’t confuse him with Don Elias, which is someone/something completely different, namely a brand of Mexican tequila. An explosion of joy tore from the away block where the small number of loyal Welsh fans sat. Alas there were too few of them to deliver a stirring rendition of “Sospan Fach” and the famous line at the end of verse three, namely “A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach”, remained unsung. (See footnote for translation). All that aside it was now 3-1 Bison and all to play for in P3 … or so it seemed at the time.

In actual fact, P3 turned out to be almost as one sided as the other two periods put together. The shot count was 24-2 in Bison’s favour, but once again Lawday proved laudable and allowed only 2 goals. The 1st and Bison’s 4^th arrived on 42:49. Sutton to Davies, whose pass from behind the goal found Karpov in front of it without a D-man to distract him. He snapped the puck home past a hung out to dry Lawday. As the puck flew past him and into the net the goaltender looked as shocked as if he had seen Jacob Marley’s ghost complete with clanking chains. (Not a Dickens reader? You’ll have to Google “Marley’s ghost” then). 4-1 Bison.

Before the 1^st half of the 3^rd period was over it was 5-1. On 46:25 a grinding scrimmage on the boards ended in Bison’s favour and the pass out found Karpov away and unchallenged. The goaltender remained as motionless as a Norwegian Blue parrot nailed to his perch. (Those under 40 may have to Youtube the Monty Python “Dead Parrot” sketch) as Karpov whipped in a top shelfer to complete his hat-trick. The assistants were announced as Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds. 5-1 Bison.

Captain Matthew Webb (that's him below) was the first man to swim the English Channel. The gallant Captain perished just a few years later in the Whirlpool Rapids of the Niagara Falls. Similarly Fire’s hopes of winning the game, if ever there were any, perished, not only rapidly, but also in a whirlpool of disappointment for their travelling fans as Bison’s 5^th goal went in. Never mind. The game was played to a conclusion with no further scoring and the final buzzer brought an end to proceedings and a 5-1 win for Bison.

 

The Top Bananas were easy to guess – Lawday for the Fire and Karpov for Bison. Sadly a 5-1 defeat can be rightfully regarded as a good result for the Fire. Alas that is the nature of the men and boys league that Bison now play in. Well at least we still have hockey.

Footnote : A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach = And the cat has scratched little Johnny.

Streatham Strut but Stumble and Stall

Bison 5 Streatham Redhawks 2

14/10/17

With 6 former Bison men on their roster (see footnote) and captained by Adam Carr, well known to Bison fans as a stalwart of Milton Keynes Lightning, but also boasting a spell in Australia (yes they do have hockey down there) with the Western Sydney Ice Dogs, for whom he played 6 games and scored 6 assists in 2004-5, (isn’t Elite Prospects a wonderful resource?), the newly and politically correctly renamed Redhawks from Streatham made the journey down from the Smoke to take on the might of Bison, who were looking to extend their unbeaten start to their NIHL league season with 4 consecutive wins. Blistering biriyanis – that was a long sentence. It could have been as unequal as an arm wrestling contest between Mike Tyson and Mr. Burns and, at the end of P1, when Bison led 4-0, it looked as if it was going to be just that. However, things don’t always go according to plan, as we shall see.

The Redhawks held out for 9:25. They would have liked to have held out for 9:26, but they failed. Tomas Karpov found himself behind the Redhawks’ net. He waited for the moment. Suddenly skating forward and leaving the Redhawks D for dead was one of the Antonov twins. A burst of power and the hapless Streatham D-men were reduced to the rôle of impotent or indeed emasculated observers of the play. Vanya or Ivan (I am not sure which) slapped home the puck from just in front of the crease. 1-0 Bison.

2 minutes later there was an occurrence which caused the number under ”Home” on the scoreboard to change from 1 to 2. But first let me inform you that Brendan Baird had been seen by Referee Belfitt perpetrating a bit of naughtiness. He addressed Baird thus “I am the man with the tin star and you will go to the town jail for 2 minutes for that there cross check”. With only 5 seconds of the power play remaining a shot from Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds was deflected past Matt Colclough into the Redhawks’ net by Ashley Jackson. The Bison crowd voiced their appreciation. Some shouted “YES”, others “GOAL”. Some, in recognition of Jacko’s other sporting pastime, may even have shouted “JOLLY HOCKEY STICKS”, but I personally heard no such utterance. 2-0 Bison.

Things were starting to look a bit dicey for the visitors and on 16:04 they became even more dicey as a result of chunderous marking by the Redhawks' D. Antonov fired an across the blue line pass to Baird (Joe not Brendan) and he fired a shot goalwards from the point. Before it got to its destination Karpov, lurking in front of the crease and luxuriating in a lack of defensive attention, snapped it home past a startled Colclough, who must have wondered where his D-men had gone. 3-0 Bison.

The clocked ticked down and with 17:39 showing, Baird (of the Joe variety) was strangely called for interference after what looked like a 50/50 collision with Doughty on the blue line. Referee Belfitt was in no doubt that Doughty had been interfered with and down the steps went Baird. This presented the Redhawks with heir first power play opportunity. Could they capitalise? Well no actually and, worse still, they let in that embarrassingly ignominious of all embarrassingly ignominious of goals – a shortie. A D-man, who I shall decline to identify, but not to save his blushes, but because I don’t know who it was, dawdled on the puck. There were no friends or countrymen to challenge him, but there was a Roman - Roman Malinik to be precise. He robbed the D-man of the puck as easily as the Artful Dodger would have relieved him of his gold watch and chain. The Czech chap skated in on goal to the left of the goaltender and fired one. Colclough saved it but failed to cover the puck. It was as loose as a goose and Malinik jabbed it through the hapless net custodian’s 5 –hole. 4-0 Bison.

A minute later the buzzer sounded and P1 hostilities ceased. It had been a top hole, top drawer, top marks period for Bison. Could they top that in P2 and go on to run up a double figure score? Well no. In fact back came the Redhawks with a couple of goals to make a contest of it, as I shall relate, dear reader, so please refrain from wandering off to wash the car, read the newspaper or walk the dog. Stay here and all will be revealed.

On 23:05 Jamie Hayes was seen interfering. It was clink for him and down the steps he went to do 2 minutes porridge, not at Her Majesty’s pleasure, but at Mr. Belfitt’s, although I am not sure how much pleasure Mr. Belfitt actually derived from the whole business. Never mind. It was Bison on the power play and a chance to make it 5-0. But sometimes things don’t always turn out as one expects and, as in the 1^st when the Redhawks had conceded that embarrassingly ignominious of all embarrassingly ignominious of goals – a shortie, it was now Bison’s turn to do the same. A turnover saw Michael Farn take possession of the puck and feed Ben Paynter with acres of space. As he advanced goalwards, his movement could hardly be likened to a slow, sluggish and slothful slugabed (before you ask slugabed is a real word). This was not the time to hang about. He moved forward and roofed one. 4-1 Bison.

2 minutes later it was 4-2. Joe Allen, not to be confused with Joe Allen the footballer or indeed Joe Allen the astronaut (that's him below), surged forward and was hooked back by Malinik. Referee Belfitt raised his arms and crossed them. He was either telling Allen he had the X-factor or indicating a penalty shot. It was the latter. The puck was placed centre ice and in came Allen. One could not help but admire the speed with which he skated and in on goal, but, although he rejoiced in a eulogisable forward velocity, the question was did he possess the guile, craft and trickery to get the puck past Skinns? Sometimes a direct approach is best and this is what Allen adopted. Straight through the 5-hole. Skinns had been skinned and it was 4-2 Bison.

 

Bison had been pegged back. They had to make their dominance pay or all would be thrown away. This they did on 34 minutes with a power play goal, Jordan Gregory having had his collar felt for tripping. The puck was cycled around and around and finally ended up, courtesy of Joe Baird, at the stick of Aaron “Billy” Connolly wide to the goaltender’s left. Billy shaped to shoot. It was obvious to Colclough what was coming – no need to send a smoke signal, although the drum beat of the Streatham drummer might have suggested that one ought to be. However no-one had a fire and blanket. The Bison skipper whipped his wrist shot past the netman and it was 5-2 Bison.

There were no more goals in the period, but a disharmonious affray of the most despicable kind erupted on 38:01. Josh Smith elbowed Michael Farn, who slumped to the ice like a sack of potatoes. In steamed our favourite pugilist Nicky “You What?” Watt to exact revenge on the hapless Bison man. Watt delivered his considered opinion in a robust and forthright manner, which took a physical rather than verbal form – well there was no point discussing the matter. I don’t recall seeing Smith throw any punches, but he nevertheless copped a 2 + 2 for fighting in addition to his elbowing penalty, whereas Watt copped a 2 + 2 for fighting and a 2 minute instigator penalty. Opprobrious behaviour.

P2 ended and P 3 began. There were no more goals, but there was a match penalty dished out to Jordan Gregory for a rather spectacular trip, sweeping both the Anotonov twins off their feet from behind.

The final buzzer sounded and it was all over baby blue. The election of Top Bananas threw up a couple of interesting recipients – Watt and Skinns. However, who am I to challenge the choices? Back to the Smoke went the Redhawks, doubtless well satisfied with the end result after a first period which was as unequal as that arm wrestling contest between Mike Tyson and Mr. Burns would have been.

Footnote : Matt Colclough, Alex Sampford, Brendan Baird, Jacob Ranson and Ryan Watt are all ex Bison men. But what a lot of people don’t know is that Michael Farn is also, having played a solitary game for Bison in 2008-9.

Raiders of the Lost Cause

Dear readers. My regulars might think I'm some sort of toff with references to art, literature and other items of culture in my weekly reports. What ho, old bean. But sometimes things are not always as they appear. I am, in fact, an East End boy, born within the sound of Bow Bells (true). In honour of the visit of the London Raiders, who play in the good old East End this report is written with a few bits of cockney rhyming slang thrown in for good measure. In the interests of authenticity please read with a cockney accent.

Bison 7 London Raiders 1

7/10/17

Down the frog and toad from the Smoke came them cockney geezers, the London Raiders, intent on dishing out Tony Slattery to Bison. You 'aving a bird bath mate? They got in a right Elliot Ness on the Vincent Price as Bison proved too lemon tart for them and clipped ‘em round the lug’ole. We saw goals, galore, a spot of GBH and an unfortunate judge and jury to the Raiders’ netman, as I shall relate, me ol’ cock sparrers.

The game opened in a lively fashion and on 3 minutes Connolly rang one of the goalie’s bonce, but there was no whistle (I don’t mean whistle and flute). Then on 9:32 Jack Cooper was called for a pie and mash. “You’re going down the apples and pears for that me ol’ china,” said referee Matthews and into the box went the man whose ancestors made barrels to join Alan Lack who was already there, having had his collar felt by the rozzers for roughing. The Raiders survived the 5 on 3, but not the ensuing 5 on 4. Antonov found Karpov just inside the blue line. He powered forward faster than a No. 10 bus up Wapping High Street and centred for Ashley Jackson to whack it past goaltender Euan King. Disappointingly Jackson didn’t do a moonwalk to celebrate his Bobby Moore. His brother Michael would have. 1-0 Bison. Strike a light guv’nor.

On 11:46 the Raiders found themselves defending another power play and failing. Off to the Scrubs to sew mail bags went Andy Munroe for tripping. On 14:12 Antonov took the puck away from the boards, moved into a shooting position in front of goal and whipped a shot through the 5-hole of the hapless netman King. 2-0 Bison. Would you Adam and Eve it?

So 2 powers plays and 2 goals for Bison. The Raiders had to in the groove on this. Doubtless they fancied a bit of power play kill practice to show how much better they had become in defending the 5 on 4, as on 15:02 J.J. Pitchley, possessor of a fine Mr Punch chin, but, alas, not a Punch-esque hooter, doled out a bit of GBH. “Oi matey!” cried Referee Matthews. “You’re bang out of order. It’s ginger ale for you my son.”  No point arguing. Matthews was the chocolate fudge and J.J. had to do his porridge. Had they improved their power play kill? Well no. In fact they seemed to have got worse as Scott fed Antonov who passed inside to Karpov. It all seemed to be happening in slo-mo as the Raiders D went to Bo-Peep. Karpov whipped an over the shoulder wrist shot past King. 3-0 Bison. Gor blimey, me ol’ Empire State.

P2 was looking a lot better for the Raiders. Anyone with a decent pair of mince pies could see that. They held out until halfway through the period, but then on 31:09 they conceded another sausage roll. Antonov to Cesky to Connolly, who whipped in a wrist shot. 4-0 Bison. Flamin’ Nora.

Shortly after that spot of GBH which I alluded to occurred. Alan Lack went Saddam Hussein and did a job on Grant Rounding, who went down like a sack of Roy Hudds as if he’d been shot by a lady of Bristol. Lack left him for brown bread. Amazingly there was no whistle (and certainly no flute). Were you ‘avin’ a laugh Mr. Matthews? You must be chicken oriental. As the game went on Bison’s Doc Glenn came onto the ice to attend the stricken geezer and administer some Thomas Edison. Luckily the ref didn’t spot him or he could have called Bison for too many men on the Vincent Price. Well done Doc – you deserve a bike and pedal for that.  Eventually the game was stopped. Lots of afters here. Lack pork chopped a 2 + 10 for a check to the loaf of bread and a game misconduct. Off the villain went. Deserved? Abserbloodylutely John. There were loads of Bison backers who wanted to give him an out to lunch on the ‘ooter. They were in a real two and eight about it.

P2 ended with no more goals being scored, so into the final phase we passed. The Raiders were holding their own until a very unfortunate judge and jury to goaltender King. It looked like he twisted something and ended up in right Barney Rubble. He carried on for a bit, but clearly wasn’t moving at all well. It would have been Dad’s army for him to carry on. He didn’t. Off the ice he went. The Raiders had no back up goalie, just as surely as the Ducks had no back up to Hanrahan in “Slapshot” (remember him? See below). King handed his Brighton pier over to team mate Tom Davis, who took up his drum and base between the pipes.

Bison scored another 3 goals with Davis in the net – bit of a Lionel Blair for the bloke I’m afraid to pony and bay. I am not going to describe any of them to save the substitute goalie’s blushes as they were all stoppable by a regular goalie, but titfer tats off to Davis for putting himself on the Patsy Cline for his team – he would later cop the Raiders’ Top Banana award (a box of pig’s ears) and well deserved it was. For the record the Bison scorers were Connolly unassisted, Antonov assisted by Dewey and Karpov and Jackson assisted by Petts and Scott.

In between Bison’s 6^th and 7^th the Raiders queen of dragged one themselves. Set up by Smith and Lascenko, Marek Hahlik Franz Klammered a clapper from the point. We heard a thud. Deano had got a piece of it but not big enough a piece and it trickled over the line. The Raiders’ fans went radio rental. Strains of “Knees up Mother Brown” were heard and the jellied eels were passed round. They’d gone chicken jalfrezi. And Marek Nahlik? What a diamond geezer. One of the East End’s own. Luvly jubbly and luv-a-duck. As for jellied eels? Not my Sykes and Nancy. Enough to make you Tom and Dick. Ugh!

The final buzzer sounded and it was Richard Burtons for the Raiders. Never mind they had won a lot of dinner plates with a never say die performance. Back to the Smoke they went, back to the trouble and strife then on with the whistle and flute, down the apples and pears and up the frog and toad to the rub-a-dub-dub for an Aristotle of pig’s ear and a Ruby Murray. Well done geezers.