Manchester Mess

Bison 3 Manchester Phoenix 1

20/10/12

Anyone out there educated at Eton or Lancing College? I thought not. We, the Bison faithful, are good solid members of the proletariat or “plebs” as a prominent Tory politician might call us. So no-one will know the difference between an “Eton Mess” and a “Lancing Mess”. Maybe only Cake Lady. Well we saw neither of those scrumptious desserts at Planet Ice last night (not the sort of thing you can buy at the food bar), but we did sample a mess of a totally different variety – a Manchester Phoenix Mess. Gifting Bison two goals in the first period through blueline blunders, they never recovered and ended up yielding their EPL top spot to Bison.

It took Bison only a couple of minutes to open the scoring. Cuddly Joe Greener shot from the left wing. The puck deflected high into the air straight to Lumberjack Joe Rand without a Phoenix player near him. He brought the puck down, deked, feinted to shoot on the forehand and then as Fone flattened to the ice he dragged the puck back to find a gap between goalie and post as wide as a yawning hippopotamus. He slid in a backhander. Neatly done. In unison the Bison crowd leapt to their feet with arms victoriously raised aloft like a badly co-ordinated Mexican wave. They would have gladly hoisted a flag up a flagpole in celebration, but neither could be found.

When Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was sent to the slammer for tripping Bison found themselves defending the first power play of the game. This they did admirably denying Phoenix a single shot on goal. During the power play Tom Duggan bounced off the man mountain that is Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik and fell to the ice like a sack of King Edwards. Didn’t anyone tell him you don’t mess with the Tank?

Bison surged further ahead in the 12^th minute thanks to a woeful defensive error, which in the context of the game, was as undesirable for the Phoenix team as the scrapings from an offal butcher’s apron. The perpetrator of the misdemeanour was Ondrej Pozivil. His attempted pass out from the Phoenix D was topped, sending the puck slowly but invitingly straight to a lurking Lumberjack Joe Rand. Joe rifled the puck square to Coach Sheppard, who 5-holed the hapless Steve Fone. The unfortunate goaltender must have wished that he could be transported to a parallel universe where Phoenix have a better defense – both Bison goals had been avoidable.

Before the period ended there were three further incidents of note. Firstly a clash of sticks at a face off resulted in Joachim Flaten’s stick spinning high into the air, much to the amusement of the Man with 3 Earrings. “High sticks”, shouted the Bespectacled Youth optimistically. Secondly, Tomas the Tank managed to flatten Flaten with a massive hit. There seemed something rather unsporting about the hit, taking into account the difference in size of the two players (Flaten is a mere dwarf at 6’ and weighs 70lbs less than Fojtik), but what the hell – all’s fair in hockey and war. Finally, Greg “Chubbs” Chambers’s pass to Shoeless Joe Miller was poorly directed, but Joe managed to kick the puck back into the path of Chubbs – the classic one-two. A shout of “Who needs Lionel Messi?” was heard in Block C.

The 2^nd period started with another massive hit, this one by Carl “Scooter” Graham on Tom Duggan, followed almost immediately by a goal for the Phoenix. Bison were uncharacteristically caught on the hop and with their trousers down (OK I admit it’s rather difficult to hop with your trousers down). Richard Bentham squared for Bison old boy, Long Ciaron Long, all alone in front of goal. He foxed Stonewall Stevie Lyle in the Bison goal and slotted home to make it a one goal game at 2-1.

3 minutes later Bison came within a Rizla fag paper’s width of restoring their 2 goal lead, this time courtesy of the Gangster Line led by Tosh “The Godfather” Redmond. A strong forecheck by Jacob “Pretty Boy” Heron (a nickname officially approved by the man himself by the way) saw the puck squirt into the path of Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. He raced forward with such pace it looked like he was trying to get away from the FBI. He hammered in a slap shot. Fone thought he had saved it, but, as confirmed to me by Duracell Man, the puck went through him (not literally of course) and sizzled agonisingly towards the goal line before a Phoenix stick swept it clear. Bad luck Andy. This incident was immediately followed by a bundle in front of the Phoenix net with players of both sides pushing, shoving, nudging, jostling, bumping and jolting each other whilst slashing, stabbing, jabbing, prodding, poking, whacking and thwacking at the puck as it sat elusively in the blue paint. The Bison players and indeed a number of close observers in the crowd were convinced the puck had crossed the line including Kujo and Dibble. There were no opinions from Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert and Grubb, none of whom were at the game. (Go on Google the Trumpton firemen). Honest Pete, the goal judge, and the referee were not sure and couldn’t give the goal. 

Bison did restore their 2 goal advantage a couple of minutes later. With Long Ciaron Long having his freedom supressed for tripping, Bison came on strong on the power play hammering in 3 shots in the first 9 seconds, including 2 slap shots from Fojtik, all of which Fone saved. He could not, however, stop Coach Sheppard’s shot after 18 seconds of the power play. Set up by Greg “The Specs” Owen and Cuddly Joe Greener, Maple Leaf Doug hammered in a shot which Fone got a piece of but couldn’t stop. As the puck fizzed across the line for 3-1 Bison, such a barrage of noise erupted from the crowd that it wouldn’t surprise me if the emergency chemists in Basingstoke had a run on throat gargle later in the evening.

There was no further scoring in the 2^nd, but Pheonix surged forward from the start of the 3^rd in an attempt to salvage something from the game. Things were getting hot for Stevie Lyle in the Bison net. In fact, it couldn’t have been hotter than if he’d been clamped between the plates of a George Foreman toasted sandwich maker on full power. But Stevie lived up to his nickname of Stonewall and shut the icemen from Manchester out with a series of fine saves, blocks and catches. Try as they might, they couldn’t breach the Bison defences, despite significantly outshooting their hosts in the period. Bison also had their chances, in particular when “Machine Gun” Melachrino was in on goal again and shot, but saw Fone swallow the puck and then with Fone stranded behind the goal a risky pass across the empty net from one of his teammates just eluded Lumberjack Joe Rand as he lurked threateningly. Bison held firm and the game ended 3-1.

Man of the match for Bison was Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik with another fine performance on the blueline. For a man of his size (massive), he is nimble on his feet and has good positional sense, reads the game well, hits ferociously and distributes the puck well from the defensive zone. He may not be a goalscoring blueliner in the mould of Mindy Keiras and Marcel Petran, but he does his principal job superbly, as shown by Bison’s miserly goals against record since he has been here. An unsung hero well rewarded on the night.

Bison Bushwackers Head Telford off at the Pass

Wild West Special

Bison 4 Telford Tigers 3

13/10/2012

On September 7^th, 1876 the notorious Jesse James gang were bushwhacked by the citizens of Northfield Minnesota as they attempted to rob the First National Bank and were all but annihilated. At Planet ice last night a bushwhacking of similar magnitude took place. (OK I might be exaggerating a bit as no-one got shot). A hard working Telford team came within a wrangler's whisker of claiming victory at a place which has become a happy hunting ground for them in the last couple of seasons. It took two goals in the last 4 minutes for Bison to make the Tigers bite the dust.

It was the Tigers who claimed the first goal of the game. Brittle took the puck around the back of the net and fired across the goal for Tim Burrows to score via Green. It was as big a calamity as Calamity Jane herself. Stonewall Stevie Lyle conceding after only a minute of the game seemed as unlikely as the Lone Ranger being seen riding Silver around Trafalgar Square, shouting “Hi, ho!” But, quite incredibly, it had happened. The former not the latter of course.

Bison were level within 3 minutes. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers centred for Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard to shoot in with the accuracy of a .52 calibre bullet fired from a Sharps carbine or was it the other way around? No-one seemed to be sure let alone the announcer who credited the score to Greg Sheppard. Or was it Doug Chambers. What is certain is that Cuddly Joe Greener picked up the second assist. (Incidentally, the nickname “Cuddly Joe” has now been officially approved by Mr Greener himself no less).

On 10 minutes Bison went ahead. Joe Greener, as quick thinking as a Mississippi riverboat card sharp, spotted a gap with the eagle eye of a prospector panning for gold and skated inside to loose off a wrist shot forcing an excellent glove save from Declan Ryan. From the ensuing face off, the puck squirted across goal to Coach Doug Sheppard. He wasn’t toting a six shooter, but he was toting a hot hockey stick (equally as lethal) and he proved he was as deadly a shot as the notorious Kid Curry (the real one, not the fictional one). 2-1 to Bison. The goaltender was starting to look a bit sick. Perhaps he needed to consult Doc Holiday – well not really as Doc was not a real doctor of course. 

In the 14^th minute Greg Chambers became an outlaw. Sheriff Pickett said “I am the man with the tin star and you will go to jail for 2 minutes for slashing”. 65 seconds later Chubbs was joined by Tosh Redmond in the town jail for hooking and Bison had to survive 55 seconds of a 5 on 3. This they did and also the ensuing 5 on 4.

Then the Bison crowd were treated to a scene which wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Sam Peckinpah film. Alex Symonds received a stick in the face and shed blood, but the offence was missed by the officials. Shortly after, Greg Chambers received a 10 misconduct for arguing that the Tigers were changing their line after icing in too vociferous a manner. It wasn’t Judge Roy Bean who passed sentence, it was referee Pickett.

As the clock ticked down Cameron “Popeye” Wynn found himself in on goal. He hammered forward faster than the Wells Fargo stage from Laramie with its team of horses at full gallop, but alas his shot was saved and he broke his stick in the effort of shooting (the nobbly bit - sorry I don’t know if that has a technical name - came off the top). Just as well for the Tigers, as to concede a third at this stage would have been as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of a wrangler’s stetson after a month on the trail.

Telford quickly turned the tables and levelled things up within 2 minutes of the restart. Stonewall Stevie Lyle looked as if he thought that Adam Taylor’s lob was going over the bar, as the puck dropped in over his raised blocker. It was embarrassing for the Bison netman as he had appeared to put up about as much resistance as the ugliest girl at the Golden Nugget saloon. However, it later transpired that he had lost sight of the puck against the crowd – a misfortune which could befall any goaltender. He had been as unlucky as if he’d been Wild Bill Hickok holding the dead man’s hand (the what? Google it). 2-2 it was.

Bison needed to step things up and impose their authority on the game. Otherwise it was going to be a very quiet weekend at the OK Corral. However, it was the Tigers who finished the period in whooping and hollering style. Tomas Kruzik found himself a solitary gunslinger in front of goal. The Bison D had given way as easily as the swing doors of the Long Branch Saloon. As he shaped to shoot, it was obvious to the goaltender what was coming – no need to send a smoke signal. However, stopping it was another matter. Kruzik  snapped his wrists and beat Stonewall Stevie to the draw. 2-3 Tigers.

The period ended with a bench clearance. It looked like a scene in the Acme Saloon as two rival gangs of cowpokes got lively at the end of a long trail drive, but in the end no-one was thrown through the saloon windows.

So, Bison went into the third period trailing. Could the top team in the EPL lose to the bottom team? It seemed as believable as the sales pitch of a travelling medicine man. Bison pressed forward and things started to get hot for the goaltender – as hot as if he was being roasted over a cowboy’s camp fire. First of all he faced a 2 on 1 as Cuddly Joe Greener and Lumberjack Joe Rand charged towards the goal like a pair of Pony Express riders. Alas for Bison Greener’s shot was stopped by Ryan. Then Coach Sheppard saw a slap shot from the point deflected as high as the High Chapparal off the covering D-man’s stick.

The crowd were then treated to a massive hit by Kurt “the Knife” Reynolds on Luke Brittle, who did not live up to him name and came away from the encounter in one piece, but looking decidedly uncomfortable as he headed for the bunkhouse. Then Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, Bison’s  maverick forward, sliced through the Tigers’ defence like Geronimo’s tomahawk, looking as dangerous as a Nevada desert rattler and with the poise and balance of Buffalo Bill riding in amongst a galloping herd. Chubbs drew and fired from the hip, but Ryan swallowed the puck like a hungry wrangler scoffing a plate of beef and beans.

Bison were fast entering the last chance saloon. As the clock ticked down, it was looking to the whiskey glass half empty fans that Bison’s chances, although not quite lost and gone forever, like my darling Clementine, were certainly fading fast. Then came the turning point. Tomas Janak was sent to the town jail for 2 minutes, not for shooting up the town, but for the much less serious offence of tripping. He didn’t like the call and petulantly shrugged off hands that were laid upon him. The Bison crowd called for a hanging but no rope (or indeed a tree) could be found. As the outlaw was escorted to the town jail, the linesman would have asked him to hand over his six shooter, had he been carrying one, but he was not. Almost immediately Bison scored on the power play. The puck was worked around the back of the goal from Greg “the Specs” Owen to Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard and there in front of the net was Cuddly Joe Greener, faster on the draw than even John Wesley Hardin. The goaltender may have wished that he could block his goal with something as large as Mr Wishbone’s chuck wagon (only you and I are old enough to remember that, BisonPete), but he proved woefully smaller. Joe fired in for 3-3 - another notch on his stick, but not as many as William Henry McCarty alias Bonney had on the butt of his Winchester rifle. (William Henry who? Why Billy the Kid of course).

With only 47 seconds remaining Bison snatched victory. An untidy scrap in front of goal ended with Greg Chambers firing in a rebound as the net moved off its moorings. It was touch and go, but the referee allowed the goal, much to the fury of the visiting players. Thankfully for Mr. Pickett, they didn’t turn into an angry lynch mob, but his decision meant that the Tiger’s hopes of winning the game were now well and truly assigned to a plot on Boot Hill. The Bison crowd celebration must have been as annoying to the away fans as an out of tune honky-tonk piano playing “The Yellow Rose of Texas” in the Lucky Strike saloon.

In the dying seconds Ryan was pulled, but it was too late. The Tigers’ net, gaping as wide as the Grand Canyon, survived two empty net chances, the second from Cuddly Joe Greener crossing the goal line just after the buzzer sounded.

And so ended a tense game with the Tigers unlucky to leave town without a point after a spirited performance. Greg “Chubbs” Chambers received the Bison Man of the Match award – a box of Budweiser rather than a fistful of dollars.

Swindon Smash and Grab

Many thanks for all your messages of support (see last week’s post), most of which were sent privately through the Forum and Facebook – understandable that most of you don’t want to raise your heads above the parapet. Massively appreciated I can tell you. Delighted to report that not one single negative comment did I receive and my readership was maintained at its usual level. I do the reports for fun, not money or fame or whatever else and, if anyone thinks that my “abusive comments” are anything more than a bit of light hearted banter (at least one person does), well best not to read the report. To everyone else thanks again for your continued support and camaraderie and I hope you enjoy this week’s report despite the depressing result.

Bison 0 Swindon Wildcats 2

3/10/12

Those who expected an easy game against the Wildcats were well wide of the mark. The much improved Cats came up the M4, clad from head to foot in their familiar corpuscular red kit (well head to ankle to be pedantically accurate), playing fast moving, quick passing hockey to grab the honours at Planet Ice. But they had to wait as the game was delayed for one hour due to a lack of officials – someone forgot to appoint them. It’s a popular pastime amongst sports fans to criticise officials, but if ever we needed a reminder that without them there is no game, then this was it. All credit to Mr. Hayden and the curiously named, Mr. Dolphin, for stepping in at short notice, which allowed the game to go ahead. Only 2 officials, less than the usual 3 or is it 4? I get confused.

The Bison faithful were getting used to seeing shut outs. Could there be another one for Stonewall Stevie Lyle? After all he had gone for 8 periods on home ice without allowing a single goal. I wonder what Paul, the physic octopus (remember him? If not why not Youtube him), would have predicted. Alas Paul is now swimming around in that big fish tank in the sky so we will never know. In the end it wasn’t Stonewall Stevie who got the shutout, it was his Wildcats counterpart, Dean Skinns. Bison huffed and puffed but could not blow Deano’s house down. At the other end Stevie had another excellent game, but a big bad wolf called  Jonas Hoog  breached the Bison defences twice and those two goals turned out to be the numerical difference between the two sides.

It was a game packed with incident. In the 4^th minute Lumberjack Joe Rand was unlucky to have a “goal” chalked off. In on Skinns, he cleverly deked, but just before he netted his shot, Deano had made like a frog and pushed the net off its moorings (with a skate on each post to make sure). The Bespectacled Youth called for a penalty shot, but the officials gave Skinns the benefit of the doubt. Very soon after the Wildcats took the lead. Set up by the unsavoury Nicky Watt and the admirable Aaron Nell, Hoog flexed his wrists and drove a shot between Lyle and post, blocker side. The Gooner would later swear blind that it was offside, but the officials either didn't spot that one or thought otherwise. It was the first goal Stonewall Stevie had allowed in 170 minutes of play at Planet ice. Bad luck.

It must have been difficult for only two officials to keep a handle on the game and a number of calls were not made, much to the chagrin of the Howling Man, whose rant of “He’s spotted one at last” rent the air as the Wildcats were ruled offside for the first time in the game in the 8^th minute. I told you we like to criticise the ref, didn’t I?

Then came the goal that never was. I couldn’t see whose shot it was, but it seemed to go over the line by the post and come out again. Many thought it was a goal, but the officials rejoiced in a contrary opinion (they said “NO”).

Into the second and during a goalmouth melee, Greg “the Specs” Owen’s stick ended up in the net, but not the puck. Then Shoeless Joe Miller and Cuddly Joe Greener failed to capitalise on a 2 on 1, the D-man blocking the pass. Next a stretching Greg “Chubbs” Chambers latched onto a long pass and was in on Skinns for a short handed goal, but put his shot wide.

There then erupted a disharmonious affray of the most despicable kind. Shoeless Joe Miller tangled with Aaron Nell. Suddenly in steamed Mohican Nicky Watt, an agent provocateur if ever there was one. The Genial Brummie, the Bespectacled Youth and the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt all agreed it was a case of “third man in” and surely a game penalty for Watt. However, the players appeared to indulge in nothing more than a noisy session of mutual hectoring coupled with pushing and shoving, but without a blow exchanged. The blood lust members of the Bison crowd who were anticipating a meaty smack up, knowing Watt’s reputation, were disappointed. When the dust had settled it appeared that, as no punches had been thrown, Miller and Nell were deserving only of a minor (2 minutes each for roughing) and Watt a 10 misconduct, possible for something he said or for his disagreeable demeanour. As he entered the house of correction known as the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box he did smite the wall in anger and frustration, thus endearing himself even further to the Bison faithful.

Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was trying to find the recipe for bringing Bison back on level terms. He showed what a class act he is. His skates bit into the thin crust of the ice as he roasted two D-men in the neutral zone. The defense made only a half baked attempt to stop Chubbs, as he sliced his way through, leaving the hapless blueliners chopped and diced in his wake. He then glided around the back of the goal and attempted a wraparound, but once again Dean Skinns kept the puck out. The Swindon D looked more embarrassed than if they’d been caught with spinach on their teeth. They had put up less resistance than a wet paper bag on this occasion.

The Wildcats’ next attack saw them plunder a second goal, again from the stick of Jonas Hoog. This time it was a slap shot which Lyle couldn’t block. A red light was put on behind the goal either by the goal judge or by a lady of ill repute looking for business. The referee must have realised it was the former as he signalled a goal rather than ask “how much?” Aaron Nell and Shane Moore picked up the assists for the goal and at 0-2 the 2^nd period ended.

Bison nearly pulled one back within a couple of minutes of the 3^rd, but a promising tic-tac-toe moved was ended by the whistle as Greg “the Specs” Owen slid inside the goal. The Genial Brummie remarked that Owen had got both himself and earlier his stick into the goal but alas not the puck. Nicky Watt then slashed Joe Miller’s stick making it spin crazily through the air and over the Wildcats’ bench. Joe held his hands up as if to say “How can he get away with that?” But he did.

Deans Skinns was having a great game. In the space of a few seconds in the 48^th he saved a Tomas “Fozzie Bear” Fojtik slap shot and then an Owen wrist shot which dumped him on his backside with the puck in his glove. At the other end Lyle was also performing heroics. In particular a fantastic catch from a vicious shot from Richardson brought gasps of admiration from the assembled.

Time was running out for Bison and with 38 seconds to go Lyle was pulled. Could Bison claw back the two goals required for overtime in those last seconds? It seemed as unlikely as Robbie Coltrane riding a penny farthing to victory in the Tour de France and so it proved. The Bison goal survived two empty net attempts, the second just crossing the line wide of the goal as the final buzzer sounded. It was all over.

No points, no goals for Bison. The Bespectacled Youth epitomised the disappointment of the Bison faithful - GI Joe heard him muttering as he left “Hmmph. Not even a bloody punch up.”