Bison Top the Table Toppers

Bison 4 Manchester Phoenix 2

19/10/13

Top Bananas, the Manchester Phoenix, clothed in rather fetching purple, with an average haul of 6 goals a game and Steve Fone, a goaltender in top form with an insane save percentage of 0.96, provided the opposition at Planet Ice last night. Could Bison prevail? The Doubting Thomases doubted it, but by the final buzzer Bison had indeed prevailed and the Champagne Charlies amongst their supporters could celebrate with Champagne or Charlie or whatever they fancied. Even Phoenix’s player/coach. Tony Hand, admitted his team were beaten by the better side (OK I admit I have got this third hand – you weren’t looking for cutting edge reporting here were you?)

Bison did not have the game all their own way. In fact the 1^st period belonged to the Phoenix and they went into the locker room with a 2-1 lead and looked capable of going on from there. Bison seemed apprehensive, but what I can only assume was an inspirational “Hey we can beat these guys” speech by Coach Sheppard in the 1^st interval saw a much more confident Bison take the game away from Phoenix in the 2^nd and 3^rd periods.

The goal on 4 minutes was scored by Psurny (the man with the silent P). Set up by Hand and Archer, he finished a fast flowing attack with a top shelf wrist shot. Amongst the Bison backers shoulders hunched, heads drooped and feet shuffled, as teeth were gnashed, hands wrung, and sighs expelled. Exclamations of “Oh dear!”, “Blow it all!” and “Here we go!” rent the air. 

However, there was a long way to go and Bison returned to parity in the 13^th minute with a power play goal. Frankie Bakrlik had been banged up for slashing, the first of several penalties to him on the night. Set up by Chinn and Sheppard, Aaron “Billy” Connolly stabbed in. I must confess I did not get a clear view of the goal and was relying on the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A for an account, he being a much closer spectator to the incident. Alas he said that the plexi has been steamed up and thus visually impaired, he saw nothing. I went away from our interval meeting none the wiser.

 Phoenix regained the lead in the 17th minute. The mother of all mellées in front of the Phoenix net (there were several of these during the game) ended with Fone eventually managing to cover the puck, but was immediately followed by another, this time behind the net with several players stabbing, slashing, poking and prodding at the puck. Eventually it all boiled over with Cuddly Joe Greener and Robin Kovar getting involved in an unseemly altercation which resulted in Joe being sentenced to solitary. The Phoenix power play didn’t last long, however, as Andy McKinney had his collar felt shortly after for a slash. In the resultant 4 on 4 Phoenix snatched back the lead. They carved open Bison’s D. Psurny was in on Skinns unchallenged. Instead of shooting he rifled the puck across the goal to Hand who scored to make it 1-2 Phoenix. The Bison D-men, their faces salmon pink with embarrassment, must have felt gutted and filleted. It had been sink or swim, but they had fallen for Phoenix’s tactic hook, line and sinker. It had proved as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Let’s not go off on a red herring, there was nothing fishy about the goal, although it was a different kettle of fish from the next one. Phoenix had dangled the bait, reeled in the Bison D and landed the catch. The travelling fans shouted “Holy mackerel” in their shoals, leaving the Bison backers to mutter “Cod almighty.”

Bison came so close to an equaliser in the 2^nd minute of the 2^nd. On another power play Vantroba so nearly scored, but his shot was saved and there then ensued another scrambling mellée, during which the puck hit the post. Shortly after Bison nearly scored on the power play. It was an all Joe affair when Cuddly Joe Greener and Shoeless Joe Miller set up Lumberjack Joe Rand, whose shot was saved. All we needed was Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird, the most superstitious man in the EPL, to join in, but alas he was on the bench at the time. 

The second Phoenix goal had come as a shock, but maybe it had sparked Bison into action. As the period progressed they switched the play with some electric passing and movement and were determined to make the Phoenix D blow a fuse with their high voltage performance. The visitors tried desperately to plug their goal and stop the Bison battery, but they were swimming against the current.

Bison levelled it in the 33^rd with another power play goal. With Luke Boothroyd taking a trip to the penalty box for a trip, a cross ice pass from Nicky Chinn set up Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba at the point away to Steve Fone’s left. The goaltender faced the slapshot with the apparent tranquillity of a meditating Hindu holy man seeking his inner self in that he didn’t move. However, I am sure the last thing on his to do list at that moment was meditation. All he could do was make himself as large as possible and hope that the he got in the way of the shot. He failed. We heard a noise akin to a rifle crack as Marvelous Miroslav’s stick hit the ice and sent the puck flying past Fone. The follically challenged Slovak blueliner stood on the spot from where he had delivered his unstoppable drive, arms aloft, nodding his head as if to say “Yeah. I’m good.” And he is. It was 2-2. Second assist to Coach Sheppard.

It had been a pulsating period with Bison in the ascendancy, outshooting Phoenix by 17-4. However, they had failed to capitalise on this dominance with only a single goal to their credit and they very nearly fell behind again in the dying seconds when Kovar found himself in on goal, but Dean Skinns, who had been injured in the first period, saved well.

An interesting 3^rd period beckoned. Who would get their noses in front? That proved to be the home team with a third power play goal in the 42^nd minute. The miscreant this time was Ben Wood in the box for tripping. Set up by Cuddly Joe Greener and Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov, Lumberjack Joe Rand hammered a shot goalwards. We heard a thud and then, much to everyone’s astonishment, we saw the puck pea rolling slowly over the line. The unfortunate Steve Fone must have heard the celebrations before he knew what had happened. He looked round and his worst fears were confirmed. You could tell by his body language he had suddenly adopted feelings of disappointment. It was 3-2 Bison and the Bison backers hurrah’d and huzzar’d, yahoo’d and woo-hoo’d (Ok woo-hoo isn’t a real word, but yahoo is – look it up if you don’t believe me). As for the visiting fans, they cursed and carped, groused and grumbled, moaned and muttered.

Shortly after, goalscorer Joe Rand picked up an interference penalty. The Howling Man didn’t like it and raised to the rafters his considered opinion. The words incandescent, purple, exasperation, rage, agitation, throbbing vein, close to a seizure could all be used to describe the outburst. All we could make out were the words “you moron”, but to whom this was addressed we can only speculate. It mattered not as Bison survived the power play and went on to seal the game in the 52^nd minute. The Phoenix D failed to clear the puck, which fell to Zach Sullivan on the blueline. Sully sent in a back hander towards Rand who was lurking suspiciously at the back door. Fone must have misjudged the path of the puck and prepared himself to shut out a shot from Rand. That shot never came because the puck found the gap between Fone and post for 4-2 and Sully’s first EPL goal. Whereas before the goal, Phoenix’s chances of winning the game were hanging by a thread, now they were positively hanging by the neck until dead. 

The clocked ticked down to 4 minutes remaining. Phoenix had to keep their composure to have any hope. To concede a penalty now would have been as undesirable as finding a child’s chocolate finger prints all over your Picasso. However, that’s exactly what happened (the former not the latter that is). The sadly ill disciplined Bakrlik was called for a 2 + 2 boarding and slashing penalty on Rand, although I did not see how he managed to do both. Greener steamed in in support of his fallen namesake and picked up a 2 roughing. That meant that with coincidentals being served Bison went on the power play for 2 minutes and would win the game if they kept Phoenix at bay for the last 2 minutes of even handed play. This they did so effectively that Phoenix did not even have the opportunity of pulling their goaltender for a last desperate hurrah. 

The final buzzer was greeted with a cacophony of champagne corks popping in the Bison blocks. Really? Ok no - I just made that up. But it should have been because it certainly had been a champagne performance. Psurny and Vantroba were declared Top Bananas for their respective teams.

Telford Terriers Tamed

Bison 5 Telford Tigers 2

12/10/13

Heavens above. Where to start? I will try not to dwell for too long on the disgraceful (but very entertaining) scenes of discord which descended upon Planet Ice last night. The hockey was well worth watching as the Telford Tigers came to the Bison shed to avenge a 3-2 defeat inflicted 3 weeks ago. They returned home empty handed, but with their reputation somewhat altered. More about that later. In hockey terms the game turned out to be as unequal as an arm wrestling contest between Hulk Hogan and Honey Boo-Boo (Honey who? If you must, Youtube her, but prepare to be nauseated). Bison should have scored more, but fine goaltending displays from both Tigers goaltenders (I don’t mean they had two in the net at the same time) kept the score down to a respectable level. Starting goaltender, Declan Ryan, won the Tigers’ Top Banana award and his 3^rd period replacement, Sam Gospel, made 7 saves from 7 shots on his net.

It would be the Tigers who would snatch the lead in the 2^nd minute. Bison netman, Dean Skinns, gave up a rebound which fell fortuitously to Gareth O’Flaherty in the slot. The Tiger (is he Welsh, is he Irish?) made no mistake with his return shot and it was 1-0 Tigers.

On 14 minutes Bison leveled it. Nicky Chinn sent Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov away behind the net. He chased onto the puck and fired an unexpected pass to the slot where Cuddly Joe Greener was skating in unchallenged. Joe’s snap shot found the gap between Ryan and post and it was 1-1. The concession of the goal caused the small contingent of visiting fans to chunter. Thankfully, no-one chundered, at least not that I noticed.

On 16 minutes Bison grabbed the lead.  It was a hockey game, not a performance of Swan Lake by the Royal Ballet, but the set up by Coach Sheppard displayed a similar degree of artistic merit. In on Ryan he delivered what looked like a behind the back blind pass from where I was sitting across the face of the goaltender and there was Miller at the back door. Which Miller? Glen, Sienna, Max? No. Not even Mutch the Miller. It was of course Bison’s own Joe Miller. All Joe could see was net, net and more net as he hammered the puck through the gap created by the bamboozling stickwork of Doug for 2-1 Bison. Aaron “Billy” Connolly picked up the second assist.

 

Into the 2^nd we went. The Tigers had to keep it tight. To allow Bison to get on top would have been as undesirable for them as it would be for the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A to come home and find that his eccentric butler has borrowed his diamond encrusted Mont Blanc fountain pen to clear a blockage in the u-bend. Alas for the men from Telford, keeping it tight didn’t seem to be on their menu because, within 4 minutes of the restart they were floundering 1-4 in arrears. First a shot from Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds was tipped by Connolly in front of the net. Ryan made an excellent save but, unable to hold the puck, gave it up to Shoeless Joe Miller in the slot. Joe returned it with interest and it was 3-1 Bison. The Bison faithful wanted to lionize their team, whereas supporters of the Tigers wanted to feed their team to the lions. Then Lumberjack Joe Rand and Tim “The Mole” Burrows set up Reynolds who arrowed in a wrist shot, screened by Rand, which beat Ryan catcher side and found the space just under the angle of bar and post. The goal made it 4-1 Bison and was heralded neither by a fanfare of trumpets nor by trumpeting elephants, but instead by a fanfare of many human voices trumpeting their approval of the goal at an elephantine level of noise (Eh? They cheered loudly).

An ugly fracas erupted on 32 minutes. The result was a 2 + 2 + 10 misconducted for Joe Miller after he threw off his gloves and waded into Michal Pavlu in an attempt to reduce the aforementioned Tigers blueliner to an unrecognisable mass of blood, bone and sinews. It was not apparent what had caused Joe to become so angry from where I sat and certainly the officials missed it completely as Pavlu received no penalty. However, I was informed by both Cake Lady and Duracell Man who were within yards of the incident that Pavlu had brought his skate down on Joe’s arm. If he had connected properly it would have been a broken arm for Joe for sure. Fortunately the skate glanced across his glove and caused no injury, but clearly the intent was there. Just before the final buzzer Pavlu high sticked Carl “Scooter” Graham in the face and was given a game penalty, somewhat meaningless as only seconds remained. He seems to be the sort of malicious player hockey can do without.

Further trouble erupted at the buzzer to end the 2^nd. Following a confrontation in the corner, the benches cleared and the ice became a mass of hockey players pushing, shoving, grappling, jostling, jabbing, slipping, sliding, mouthing, threatening, prodding, pointing and posturing. Enter Owen “The Terrier” Bennett. Now here is an arch goon if ever there was one, right out of the mould of the fictional character Doug "The Thug" Glatt from the film "Goon". Bennett has no hockey talent and, in fact, can barely skate. After the handshakes at the end of the game he nearly fell over, drawing a massive cheer from the Bison crowd. He played for not one second in the game. We all know why he is on the bench. He is there solely to perpetrate violence. He behaved like a dog on a leash for the first 2 periods, much to the entertainment of those behind him. The Bearded Rabble Rouser of  Block A even claimed that Bennett turned round periodically to bark at the crowd.  His body language clearly indicated that, as the Man with 3 Earrings put it, “he has issues”. Now was his opportunity. He piled on to the ice looking for trouble, but either he said something inappropriate or the officials had his card marked, because he was ushered away, much to his very grave chagrin, and was unable to fulfil his role. It was pure panto. Eventually the players left the ice and all appeared calm. Or did it? Well no actually, because before even the first puck had been dropped in the 3^rd, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino angrily confronted players on the Tigers bench and only 1 minute into the proceedings, Tigers coach, Tom Watkins, charged at Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba and delivered a Mick McManus style forearm smash straight into the hapless D-man's face. In steamed Cuddly Joe, with earlier wounds clearly not healed, and gave Watkins what for. Each received a 2 + 2 roughing, Joe a 10 misconduct and Watkins a 2 charging. A bench bound Bennett became bellicose, belligerent and bolshy, mouthing off in all directions, waving his arms, banging his stick on the wall, but was not let off his leash. Issues? It looks like there are no issues he DOESN’T have. 

On 43 minutes Bison romped further ahead. Reynolds and Chinn set up Connolly who fired in from a tight angle. At 1-5 behind the Tigers fans adopted a funereal mood. They might as well get out the black armbands to mourn the untimely death of their team. They had been in grave position before, but Bison’s 5^th the goal really was the last nail in the coffin. They had been well and truly buried. Best to call the undertaker, order the headstone, turtle wax the hearse and embalm the coach without further ado. The coroner was filling his fountain pen to write the death certificate, fortunately not the one borrowed from the Rabble Rouser (see above).

Attempting to stop goal No. 5 proved to be the final act for Declan Ryan as he was pulled from the net to be replaced by Sam Gospel, who took to the ice and lived up to his name by preaching the gospel of good goaltending, keeping out 7 out of 7 Bison shots on his net. Shortly after the return of miscreant Shoeless Joe Miller from naughty boy’s step was greeted with a massive ovation from the Bison backers. A Wallace sized grin broke out on Joe’s face.

Midway through the period Bison found themselves defending a 5 on 3 with Marvelous Miroslav and Coach Sheppard banged up at the same time. The Tigers reduced the arrears with a bizarre goal. A shot deflected off James Preece’s …. some said skate, others knee, others shoulder, others a combination of all three …. and looped tamely over Skinns, who was unlucky not to pick up the unexpected trajectory of the puck. The Telford players seemed surprised. The Bison backers seemed apoplectic. The general consensus of opinion was enunciated by the Bespectacled Youth. “He kicked it in”, he bellowed. In front of him the Howling Man also gave voice to his considered opinion as he pulsated petulantly, purple with passion, protestation and pique.

The game ended with a confusing flurry of penalties given and not given to round off a poor night of officiating and with a chant of “Bring on Bennett” from the Bison crowd. With a 5-2 victory in the bag, the Bison backers could be well satisfied. Although not quite a caviar and smoked salmon performance by Bison, the Tigers’ performance was more like pie and mash. As for Bennett? Well they say every dog has his day, but not last night for the Telford terrier. We shall have to wait to witness his brand of Doug Glatt style arch goonery. Maybe next time.

Flames Break their Planet Ice Hoodoo

Bison 2 Guildford Flames 3

5/10/13

After six consecutive EPL defeats at Planet Ice, a place where they just didn’t seem to be able to win, the Guildford Flames finally took the victors' laurels. Their quest for a third consecutive EPL title continues, but there’s a long way to go of course.

Early in the game a very interesting incident occurred. The puck disappeared into the infamous hole adjacent to the boards near the corner. The referee blew his whistle, extracted the puck, whilst examining the hole, shook the puck to get the water off and then skated to the score box. What was he going to do? Send the Zamboni driver to the penalty box? No. See below.

Shortly after there then broke out an outrageous fracas of the most disorderly description between Bison skipper, Nicky Chinn, who had had his stick knocked out of his hands, and Jozef Kohut, who would be condemned to spend 2 minutes in solitary for roughing. Badger Bloke suddenly bellowed from Block C “Kohut you doughnut” – a masterpiece of rhyme for sure and one of which any Poet Laureate would be proud. And who better to make the assessment than Badger Bloke, a culinary professional? A doughnut did Kohut indeed prove as Bison took advantage of his absence from the proceedings by grabbing a power play goal to open their account. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov took the puck around the back of the goal and picked out an inch perfect pass to Lumberjack Joe Rand, who forced the puck home from in front of the net for 1-0 Bison. Honest Pete, the goal judge, had discovered his light wasn’t working and had to stick his hand up to confirm that the puck had crossed the line rather like a schoolboy asking permission to go to the toilet. Perhaps that’s what he really wanted. To celebrate the goal the Bison backers wanted to launch themselves into a wild week long bachanalia, but unfortunately no alcoholic beverages were on sale at the Planet Ice bar. They had to make do with being drunk on the atmosphere of success. Their Flames counterparts, on the other hand, looked sober and sombre. They needn’t have because 5 minutes later parity was restored. David Longstaff used his long staff to move the puck behind the goal line. He picked out Curtis Huppe with a slide rule pass in front of the net and unmarked. Huppe’s snap shot was well placed and beat Bison goalie Dean Skinns, playing with a damaged shoulder, so Speedway Girl told me, for sheer pace. It was 1-1.

There was to be no further scoring in the period. In the interval an attempt to mend the infamous hole was made by order of Referee Pickett. It involved 2 men, 2 shovels and a wheelbarrow full of ice. As they ladled more and more ice into the hole the Man from MI5, who watches incognito from Block C, started to become alarmed that there would not be enough ice left for his post match Martini, which would be of course shaken not stirred.

The 2^nd period opened in lively fashion. A breakaway by Rick Plant ended in controversy with Marvelous Miroslav Vantroba called for a hook, the net moving off its moorings and some spectators convinced that the puck has crossed the line. The decision was no goal and no penalty shot, but a 2 minute holiday for Marvelous Miro. Flames fans might have felt hard done by. However, their team would claim their reward with 22 seconds of the resultant power play remaining. A Branislav Kvetan slap shot from the point arrowed in over Dean Skinn’s left shoulder. He raised his catcher, but was beaten for sheer pace by the shot. The unassisted goal made it 1-2 to the visitors.

At exactly the halfway point in the game, Neil Liddiard, one of the EPL’s more unsavoury characters some might say, was called for holding. He disagreed with the call and in contesting the conciliator’s conclusion of the circumstance he converted into a confrontational, curmudgeonly and cantankerous controvert. But his contradictory contention carried no clout and into confinement he was cast for a 2 + 10 misconduct.

On 33 minute the Flames went further ahead. The Beatles once sang a song entitled “Fixing a Hole”. It’s a pity they weren’t at Planet Ice last night because there was a bloody great hole in the Bison D which needing fixing. But they weren’t and it wasn’t and Bison were caught in a 2 on 1 breakaway. Set on his way by Huppe, Longstaff drew the solitary covering D-man and goaltender before firing a pass to Marcus Kristofferson, whose snap shot flew in top shelf. 1-3 Flames.

To the Bison backers the goal was a kick in the teeth and a knee in the unmentionables. Could their team come back from this losing position against the current EPL champions, who were becoming increasingly dominant in the period? To the pessimists in the crowd, there seemed more chance of Silvio Berlusconi being canonised as a saint. (Hang on. Does his feat of staying out of jail count as a miracle?) However, a ray of hope appeared soon after with Coach Sheppard scoring a spectacular goal. Set up by the hard working Aaron “Billy” Connolly, Maple Leaf Doug, cutting in from the left wing, fired in a fantastic wrist shot, perfectly placed under the angle of bar and post above Mark Lee’s right shoulder. It was virtually a carbon copy of Lumberjack Joe Rand’s goal against MK last week. Perhaps it’s a Canadian thing. The emotion of the Bison crowd suddenly frothed over like a badly poured pint of Guinness. It was now a one goal game and poised tantalisingly for a rousing 3^rd period finale.

Bison were to outplay and oushoot the Flames in the 3^rd. Could they find a way past Lee? If they could bag an equalising goal Flames’ nerves would start to jangle as worried thoughts about their poor record at Planet Ice would start circulating through their players’ minds. Bison would surely have a great chance of going on to win the game. The Flames survived a couple of incredible goalmouth scrambles impossible for me to describe without the benefit of Bison TV. The Flames had their chances also. In one breakaway Dean Holland raced towards goal and was about to set himself for a goal attempt. However, he wasn’t bargaining for a trademark poke check from Zach “Sully” Sullivan. Sully’s stick shot out like a giant mosquito proboscis and jabbed the puck away.

There then occurred an incident which left the Bison backers incredulous with disbelief. As he carried the puck forward at breakneck speed, Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino was clearly held as the D-man (not sure who that was) wrapped his arms around the Bison man in what appeared to be little short of a loving embrace. Perhaps Mr. Pickett’s attention had been distracted elsewhere or perhaps he had fallen into the infamous Planet Ice hole. He gave nothing. The Howling Man objected to the lack of a decision and he proceeded to convey his considered opinion with a protest of seismic proportions. The referee saw the incident (or rather didn’t see it) from one perspective, whereas the Howling Man, not to mention 950 fellow Bison backers, saw it from another. There seemed to be a lack of common ground as Billy Bragg might find if locked in a discussion about the merits or otherwise of fascism with Paulo di Canio. To the Bison crowd the illegality of the challenge had been as plain as a pikestaff.

The clock ticked down with Bison continuing to press forwards. However, the Flames made sure they gave nothing away, trapping the puck in the corners and killing valuable time. When Bison did break out their lack of crisp passing and movement let them down and they couldn’t carve out any clearcut opportunities. Neither were they able to pull Skinns from the net to give a 6 on 5. The opportunity just didn’t arise. The fat lady was singing. (Who is the fat lady? Sue Tilley perhaps? Google image her if you’ve never heard of her. She’s more famous than you think). The buzzer sounded to signify curtains for Bison. It had been a keenly contested game, full of incident, which could have gone either way with each team firing in 27 shots on each other’s goaltender. In the end it was the clinical finishing of the Flames which told.