Jarolin Sinks the Pirates

Bison 7 Hull Pirates 2

28/11/15

In midweek the announcement of the premature retirement of Lumberjack Joe Rand saddened the Bison community. The vacant import slot was quickly filled by Slovak sniper René Jarolin inexplicably released by Milton Keynes (coach Russell must have had his reasons). Could he make an impact against last night’s piratical visitors, who, although bottom of the table, have posed Bison problems in their previous two meetings? Bloody right he could, as I shall relate, dear reader.

It didn’t take long for Jarolin to become an instant hero and score his first point for his new team. He supplied the puck to Cuddly Joe Greener who moved forward on the right wing and centred the puck to an all alone Long Ciaron Long. Long Ciaron deked and shot and the goal light came on. Tony the Tiger was convinced that the puck had come off the post and back over the line off the goaltender. Was he right? I have no idea. But what I do know is that it was 1-0 Bison.

2 minutes later and it was 2-0. Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird fired a cross ice pass from the left wing to the right where Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer slapped a shot goalwards. Before it reached the crease Cuddly Joe Greener was there to snap it past the goaltender. The goal caused tongues in the Bison blocks to be loosened, not held, tied or twisted. Well why not? Their team were 2 goals to the good already. Blistering barnacles the Pirates were beginning to look upstream without a paddle, rudderless, all at sea and cast adrift.

Soon after disaster struck for Bison. Tomas Hiadlovsky made a save and then stayed down on the ice. He had done something unspeakable to his leg, groin, ankle or knee. I don’t know which. After a period of recovery he got to his feet and made to carry on, but it was out of the question and on came Dan Weller-Evans to replace him.

The Pirates may have been buoyed up by this unexpected turn of events and may even have thought that they could get Bison into stormy seas when they pulled one back after 11 minutes. Long Ciaron Long used his long stick to hook his piratical opponent and ended up in the brig. On the power play Bonner set up a splendid opportunity for Osman to score unopposed at the back door. So goal Pirates – Dominic Osman from Lee Bonner, as opposed to Donny Osmond from Bono.

What had looked like plain sailing for Bison, 2-0 up in 2 minutes and cruising towards Treasure Island, suddenly became a trifle worrying for the glass half empty brigade amongst the Bison backing buccaneers. However, the 2 goal lead was to be restored less than 4 minutes later. The Pirtaes’ D were caught off their guard, off the pace and off on a tangent. The defending was so poor it made their fans go off their rockers, off colour and off to the bar. The Pirates coach wanted to go off his trolley, off home and off on one. A defence splitting pass from Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird found Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov surging forward over the blue line with a similar velocity to that of grandad’s false teeth fired out during a violent sneeze. It was 1 on 1, although with a name like Martins Raitums, you might have thought that there was more than one goaltender. It mattered not how many there were because Karpov is on a hot scoring streak. Hotter in fact that a Carolina Reaper hot pepper dipped in Flamin' Flatulence Hot Sauce. You think I’ve made those up, don’t you? Well Google them – I can assure you the pepper and the sauce really exist. Back to Karpov, he went route 1 through the 5 hole. 3-1 Bison. And that did for the scoring in P1.

Bison needed to keep their momentum going in P2 and this they did grabbing another goal on 27 minutes. Can you imagine a sundae composed of peaches and vanilla ice cream sprinkled with castor sugar and coated in a mixture of golden syrup and caramel topped by whipped cream and crushed maltesers? Sweet indeed and a significantly different experience for your buccal cavity than the pepper/sauce combination mentioned in the last paragraph. Sweet maybe, but not as sweet as the way in which Cuddly Joe Greener set up the goal for René Jarolin. Greener received the puck from Long, waited for the opportunity and then shaped to shoot. But his “shot” was disguised and it was, in fact, a pass to the back door where Jarolin lurked predatorily. The hapless Raitums was hopelessly out of position as he prepared for the shot from Greener which never came and Jarolin snapped the puck through the yawning gap between goaltender and post for 4-1 Bison and his first Bison goal.

Mystic Jo had predicted a 4-1 Bison win and at this precise moment she was bang on. The problem was that over half the game remained. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt looked across. “No more goals then,” he said. Alas for Mystic Jo the tealeaves had lied, but at least our favourite clairvoyant was partially right like the clock which has stopped but tells the correct time twice a day.

Anyway back to Jarolin. His second Bison goal arrived a little over 2 minutes later. This time it was Long, fed by Balmer, providing the long pass down the centre and Jarolin was in on goal. As he bore down on goal the Pirates’ D may have wished his movement would be akin to a lackadaisical, languid and listless (or even lifeless) lounge lizard-esque loafer. But no. Jarolin’s advance was at breakneck speed. He closed in and shot. We heard a thud and then the goal light shone forth in a beacon-esque manner. The puck had hit the goaltender’s pad and then continued in a forward direction (or backward from Raitums’s perspective) through the 5-hole and over the line. 5-1 Bison and doom for the Pirates.

As the period neared its conclusion a hooking Hutchinson impeded the progress of Jarolin as he bore down on Raitums once again. Up went the referee’s arm for a delayed penalty call for hooking. When play eventually stopped the ever popular Mr. Thompson crossed his arms above his head. Penalty shot. Alas for the Bison backers the shot was saved and Jarolin failed to complete his hat-trick. Maybe he missed on purpose, thinking, “if I score a hat-trick they will expect one every week.” Maybe not.

Bison did make it 6 some 7 minutes into P3 and a controversial goal it was, scored by Aaron “Billy” Connolly off his skate. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg fed Jarolin (yes him again - I'm getting fed up with mentioning this bloke) and his lightning pass caught Connolly unable to react, which was just as well as he didn’t have time to kick the puck into the net. As there was no kicking motion it was declared a good goal. The Pirates didn’t object and it seemed pretty clear to all of us except the Bespectacled Youth, but his opinion differed from Mr. Thompson’s, whose flat hand pointing towards the net told us all we needed to know.

The goal plunged the visiting fans into the doldrums of despair, from which, in the absence of a fair wind, there was no escape. Their Bison counterparts, however, were well and truly sailing towards the sunset. The Pirates’ chances of winning were now looking as lifeless as someone who had been shot, stabbed and poisoned, then strangled, pushed in front of a bus, blown up, electrocuted, suffocated and drowned before being hung, drawn and quartered just to make sure. However, they didn’t throw in the towel (maybe they couldn’t find one to throw in) and a minute later they reduced the arrears once more to set the nerves of the glass half empty Bison backers jangling. It was a nice move involving Josh Gent, Tom Stubley and Pasi Salonen, the latter sending an arrow shot into the top corner of the net above Dan Weller-Evans’s glove.

6-2 and all to play for. Could the Pirates pull another 4 goals back in the 11 minutes which remained? I should flippin’ co-co. No of course they couldn’t and didn’t. In fact, it was Bison who completed the scoring with a power play goal in the last minute. Sam Towner tripped Jarolin and consequently took a trip, thankfully not a drug induced one, to the brig for 2 minutes. The goal was pure Karpov as he, fed by Jarolin, went on a typical mazy dribble and drew the defence, so that when he fired an across crease pass to Ryan “You What” Watt in front of goal there was no-one to stop Watty banging home a one timer. As far as the Pirates’ D were concerned the goal had been a mishap, a mistake, a misadventure, a misdemeanour, a mischance and a misfortune all rolled into one. They had gone missing and now it was mission impossible for them at 2-7 down with only 22 seconds left to full back a 5 goal deficit. They didn’t.

The final buzzer sounded and all that remained to be concluded was the election of the Top Bananas. Pasi Salonen collected a box of beers for the sunk Pirates, there being no rum available, and René Jarolin unsurprisingly bagged the bounty for Bison with a 2+3 performance – not a bad debut. A word for Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer, who picked up 3 assists from the D and also Dan Weller-Evans who stepped in to protect the Bison pipes and acquitted himself very well.

Shoot Out Win Shoots Bison Back to the Top

Bison 3 Milton Keynes Lightning 2 (shoot out)

21/11/15

Bison continued their good home ice form with a shoot out win over MKL last night thanks to S/O goals from Lumberjack Joe Rand and Long Ciaron Long and a poke check and a save from Tomas Hiadlovsky. It turned out to be the tough robustly contested game which we were expecting in contrast to last week’s, shall we say, less than competitive 10-2 victory over the bumbling Bees from Bracknell.

Bison had the upper hand in P1 but neither team could find the net. There was, however, an unseemly fracas of the most unruly and indeed unholy variety with only 4 minutes on the clock. An initial disagreement between Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson and the ever irritating Grant McPherson was joined by Jordan Cowney, who was fortunate not to be identified as the third man, not of the Harry Lime variety of course, but of the hockey fight variety, or he may have been ejected from the game. He did have a 2 + 2 for roughing imposed upon him and with Thompson and McPherson each receiving a 2 roughing the result was a 4 minute Bison power play, which MK defended well.

The interval saw the Bison backers deep in contemplation. They say that Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Well he wasn’t present at Planet Ice last night, but the Bespectacled Youth was and he fiddled with his glasses while the Man with 3 Ear-rings fiddled with his ear-rings and Oxobloke fiddled with the cap of his gravy flask as they contemplated.

P2 opened and a goal on 21:37 assigned parity to the mortuary slab, albeit temporarily. Lewis Hook fired a forward pass in the direction of Blaz Emersic. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba tried to intercept, but failed and now Emersic was past him. With Jordan Cownie steaming up in support and Vantoba out of the picture, there developed a 2 on 1. The MK men didn’t hang around. A pass to the back door and there was Cownie to smash the puck home past a hung out to dry Tomas Hiadlovsky. The hapless netman couldn’t have been happy with his D-men. It must remain a matter of speculation as to whether he wished upon them a fate of eternal damnation in the fires of Hell where they are for evermore condemned to shovel coal into the Devil’s blast furnace whilst being jabbed by trident wielding demons. Probably not. But he must have made a mental note to cross them off his Christmas card list. 0-1 Lightning.

The unfortunate Bison goaltender needn’t have worried for a mere 4 minutes later, parity, which we thought was dead, returned to the land of the living as a shot from Cuddly Joe Greener caused goal judge Honest Pete’s finger (or maybe it’s his thumb) to jab down on the button to illuminate the goal light. Long Ciaron Long and Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds combined to send Cuddly Joe in past the blue line. He decided to have a crack from long range so before he’d even reached the point on the goaltender’s right he sent in a pinpoint accurate shot arrowing towards the top corner of the net. Even Giant Haystacks, that renowned 6’ 10”, 30 stone and somewhat immobile wrestler of yesteryear, could not have blocked the goal by lying on his side in the crease (I am sure he wasn’t 4 feet wide). But it mattered not as the puck sailed into the net just under the bar and past the raised catcher of Dean “Deano” Skinns. Speedway Girl, holder of membership card no. 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society and also a Bison fan, didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. 1-1.

The period chuntered towards a conclusion and it looked as if the sides were to going to re-enter their respective locker rooms with parity alive and kicking. But parity’s hopes of a sustained period of employment were to be cruelly dashed with just under 3 minutes on the P2 clock. Bison took the lead for the first time in the evening with a truly superb individual unassisted goal from Tomas “Grandmaster” Kaprov. He scrapped for the puck on the boards, gained possession and tried to break forward but was held. He broke free and skated in on Deano. His daring dash, delivered with determination, doggedness and decisiveness, did draw the defence and developed discombobulation, discomfiture and distraction in the distended, disconnected and discontented D. Eh? OK never mind all that. All we need to know is that he beat Deano with an exquisite piece of goaltender bamboozlement as he sent he puck high into the net off his backhand. As his team mates huddled round to congratulate him, they must have sung to themselves “Oo-Bee-Do. I wanna be like you-hu-hu.” But just as King Louie couldn’t be like Mowgli, so they can’t be like Karpov. The Headbanger, a much closer observer of the goal that I was, confirmed that it had been a piece of stick handing skill possessing subliminal qualities. 2-1 Bison.


 

In 1840 a collection of tales and poems by Edgar Allen Poe was published under the title “Bizarre and Arabesque”. What happened next may not have been Arabeque in nature, but it certainly was bizarre as MK Coach Russell pulled Dean Skinns from the net and replaced him with, not Johnny Marr, but Jordan Marr. It must remain a matter of conjecture as to the reason for this decision as Deano was certainly not deserving of such a cruel fate. (See footnote below for an account of the bizarre death of Poe and therein a Bison connection).

Shortly after the buzzer sounded to signal an end to P2 and off to the locker rooms the icemen went. It had been an even period with 11 shots on goal apiece and Bison may have considered themselves fortunate to be leading, but who could argue after that astonishing goal from the Grandmaster had rebroken the deadlock.

Into P3 we went and deadlock returned on 43:18. The Bison D were caught out, caught napping and caught with their trousers down, but thankfully not literally. A flowing move involving Markku Tahtinen, Marko Luomala set up Leigh Jamieson near the hash marks to the goaltender’s right with his stick held high in preparation for a slap shot. Can you imagine giving birth to a 14 lb baby? Probably not. But that is reputedly what Mollie Arbuckle, a lady slight of frame, did on the 24th of March, 1887. The gargantuan baby, a bouncing boy, grew into a Herculean dietarily challenged adult weighing over 300 lbs. He was of course the silent movie colossus “Fatty” Arbuckle - they weren’t very PC with their nicknames in those days. At the peak of his fame Fatty’s earnings were $1m a year and let’s not forget that was nearly a hundred years ago. What relevance has this? Well had Fatty Arbuckle been the Bison goaltender at this moment he could have blocked the net much more fully than Tomas Hiadlovsky, who is of slighter frame and who does not suffer from the dietary challenges which Mr. Arbuckle must have. Jamieson’s stick came down and the puck arrowed into the net, causing Honest Pete’s goal light finger to re-enter the world of employment. It has to be said that the goal was a cracker. Not a Jacobs Cream Cracker on which you would place a carefully sculpted square of Wensleydale, Wallace and Grommit’s favourite cheese, of course, but you didn’t think I meant that anyway, did you? By the way did you know that Wenselydale cheese was made using sheep’s milk in Wensleydale (well where else?) by Cistercian monks from 1150 until the dissolution of the monasteries in 1540. Now you know. 2-2 it was.

We saw no more goals in the period nor in overtime. The best opportunity in OT fell to MK when Hiadlovsky was dispossessed way outside his crease and ended up bundled over and floundering on the ice. Was it goalie interference? The Bespectacled Youth, defender of all atrocities committed on goaltenders or at least Bison ones, thought so as he gave vent to his opinion with an anguished shout of “INTERFERENCE!”. Referee Pickett rejoiced in a contrary opinion to the Youth’s, however, and no sonorous blast emanated from his whistle. Play continued and an empty net gaped. It looked like a certain game winning goal was to be scored, but Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson brilliantly prevented a shot on the net and saved the day.

And so to a shoot out, which ended as I have already described. As Long Ciaron’s winning shot slid across the line, Planet Ice was filled with the sounds of shrieking and screaming, yowling and yammering, bellowing and bawling as the Bison backers celebrated their team’s skin of the teeth win. Greener and Luomala were elected Men of the Match.

Footnote : On October 3, 1849, Edgar Allan Poe was found on the streets of Baltimore delirious, "in great distress, and... in need of immediate assistance", according to the man who found him, Joseph W. Walker. He died 4 days later (Poe that is not Walker). Poe was never coherent long enough to explain how he came to be in his dire condition, and, oddly, was wearing clothes that were not his own. Poe is said to have repeatedly called out the name "Reynolds" on the night before his death, though it is unclear to whom he was referring. Who was the mysterious Reynolds? An ancestor of our own Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds perhaps? I told you there was a Bison connection.