Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 3
29/2/20
The Steeldogs journeyed to the sunny south from the frozen wastes of the north looking to
sweep Bison, having won 3 out of 3 in this season’s previous encounters. As it
turned out they were the architects of their own downfall, as I shall relate,
so, dear reader, I would implore you to refrain from diverting your attention
elsewhere and instead to read the humble account which I lay before you in the
hope of eliciting edification.
P1 opened and
after some early pressure by Bison it was the Dogs who snatched a go-ahead goal
on 3:23. I must confess, dear reader, I can cast no light upon how the goal was
scored, and so the method by which the visitors breached the pipes behind
goaltender Alex “Mittens” Mettam will remain uncommented upon here. Suffice it
to say that the scorer was James Spurr assisted by Tim Smith, but not the Tim
Smith who appears on Steve Wright’s radio 2 show – he was elsewhere. 1-0 Dogs.
Bison levelled
it on 9:34. Fed by Coach Tait, Michal Klejna slewed a pass across the face of
the goal. The Dogs’ D made a dog’s dinner of defending. It was indeed a
trousers down moment for them as they failed to cover Sean “Eminem” Norris. He,
the latter named, smacked the puck home and it was 1-1.
A very even
period was moving to a close with Bison on the attack. Could they launch one
last effort to snatch a go-ahead goal before the cessation of P1 hostilities?
Ben Morgan, formerly captain of the Dogs, but, when he was, not a distiller of
rum as far as I am aware, hauled down Norris as he latched onto a stretch pass
and hammered towards goal as if there was no tomorrow. If he, Norris or anyone
else for that matter, thought there was going to be no tomorrow, he was wrong,
as, if you are reading this today (yesterday’s tomorrow) there clearly was and
is. A shrill blast emitted from the referee’s whistle and Morgan had his collar
felt. It was arguably a penalty worth taking, at least so the Dogs must have
thought at the time, but, much to their very grave chagrin I am sure, it proved
not to be such. Whilst Morgan was doing his stretch of solitary and able to
reflect on his misdeed and emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later, his
spell down the steps was cut short when Bison bagged one in the dying embers of
the period. Gordon “George” Norcliffe dug the puck out and short passed to
Tait. Back in 1961 Del Shannon (that’s the geezer playing a Gretsch guitar above) had a bit hit with
“Runaway”, in which he lamented “and I wonder, I wa wa wa wa wonder, why a why why
why why why she ran away, my little runaway, my run run run run runaway”. Well
at this moment it wasn’t Del Shannon’s “she” who ran way. No indeed. It was the
Dogs’ D. Netman Dmitri Zimozdra went to ground to save Tait’s shot but the
rebounded rubber went straight to Klejna. The hapless goaltender was now up a
gum tree, up the creek without a paddle and floundering like a beached whale
all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking). Klejna stood, perhaps not
on the steps of destiny, but certainly in front of an inviting open net, much larger
than Ena Sharples’s hair net (see below). The Slovak chap slapped the biscuit
into the stringbag and it was 2-1 Bison with only 2.6 seconds of P1 on the
clock – a timely strike indeed.
Into the 2nd
epoch of play we passed. And it would be the Dogs who would level it on 25:11.
The puck bobbled around in the Bison defensive zone with the homesters unable
to clear it. Suddenly it broke to Jack Brammer, a callow youth of 16, who
rifled it top ched like an experienced pro. Well done to him. Reece Cochrane
and Ben Morgan picked up assists. 2-2.
7 minutes later
Bison snatched back the lead. You may recall on Boxing Day last Adam Harding
scored a goal against the Swindon Wildcats from behind the goal line by banking
in a shot off the goaltender. The ever curmudgeonly Cats’ coach Aaron Nell, in
a fit of resentment devoid of generosity and suffering from a bankruptcy of
spirit, whilst wallowing in a sea of begrudgement (OK that’s may not be a real
word but it should be), described Harding’s goal as “the luckiest goal you’ll
ever see”, indicating that it was unintentional. Not so. He proved it by doing
exactly the same thing on 32:46. With Zimozdra down on the ice like a beached
whale up a gum tree without a paddle once more, Harding saw the opportunity and
fired in off the helpless custodian’s skate from behind the goal line. Mr. Nell
were you watching? Assists to Norris and Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones. For
Zimozdra it was a perfectly beastly moment. Had he been from the East End of
London like me, he might have been moved to shout “COWSON”, but he isn’t and
didn’t. 3-2 Bison.
P2 ended and
into the final epoch we moved and it didn’t take long for Bison to extend their
lead. Set up by Ryan Sutton and Sam “Turbo” Talbot, Dangling Dick Bordowski
skated out in front of goal and then fired in a wrist shot bar Mexico on the
swivel. (Bar what? It’s hockey parlance for off the bar and down of course).
4-2 Bison.
The Dogs were
not done yet, however, and on 51:11 they stormed back into a solitary goal
deficit with a superbly executed move up the left wing, a cut inside and an
unleashing of an unstoppable wrist shot past Mettam by Vladimir Luka. Lovely
move and score it has to be said. Tim Smith assisted. 4-3 Bison, but the Dogs
very much back in it.
The clock ticked
down and the Dogs were, not quite in the last chance saloon, but fast entering
the period where they had to crank up the pressure and not give away any
penalties to make them short handed with 5 minutes to play. Simon Sudbury was a
very silly fellow. That’s the geezer above or at least what’s left of him. As
Lord Chancellor he introduced a crippling poll tax on the people of England.
This was the spark which lit the powder keg which was the Peasants’ Revolt of
1381. An enraged mob of thousands of downtrodden serfs led by Wat Tyler and
Jack Straw marched on London and burst into the Tower of London where Sudbury
was hiding. The angry villagers dragged out the terrified Lord Chancellor and decapitated
the featherbrained fellow. He just hadn’t thought the poll tax thing through,
had he? On a Simon Sudbury scale of silliness where 1 is very sensible and 10
is very silly, the Dogs scored 10. It all started on 55:48 when the bell tolled
for Lewis Bell, guilty of a late hit. Off to the glasshouse went the miscreant.
“OK see out the power play and we still have 2:12 to bag a levelling score,”
must have been the visitors’ thoughts. A sound plan indeed. But alas with one
fatal flaw. They couldn’t defend the power play. Set up by Liam “Square Sausage”
Morris, Bordowski rapped a shot against the bar. It wasn’t bar Mexico this time
as the puck flew sideways. Zimozdra must have been pleased when he heard the distinctive
sound of rubber against metal as he realised that the goal frame had saved his
bacon. He may even have been filled with a warm glow of satisfaction, which
would of course have put him in a different place to the Rolling Stones (see below), whose
lead singer, Mick Jagger, told us back in 1965 “I can't get no. No no, no. Satisfaction.
Hey, hey, hey. That's what I say. I can't get no satisfaction”.
However, whether or not he did experience such an emotion must remain a matter
of speculation. The unfortunate fellow he must have been filled with a sense of
foreboding, disaster and indeed impending doom immediately after as the
rebounded puck went straight to Alex Sampford, but not via Mexico. Just as
Klejna had espied a massive expanse of Ena Sharples-esque net for Bison’s first
goal, Sampford now saw the same. The hapless and helpless goaltender was a
beaten and broken man in front of him. The dictionary defines “thwack” as “to
strike or beat vigorously with something flat” Sampford duly multi-taskedly thwacked,
whacked, wellied, leathered and smote the puck all at the same time and it flew
into Ena’s hairnet for goal no 5. It was now 5-3 Bison with 3:35 remaining.
OK so that wasn’t
good for the Dogs, but, if they avoided any more Simon Sudbury silliness, they
were still in with a chance. After all 2 goals in 3:35 can be done. But Simon
Sudbury was to rear his ugly head once again, not once but twice. On 57:54 Luka
went down the steps for a late hit. 5 on 4. Then on 58:23 Smith was thrown in
the can for charging. 5 on 3 and curtains for the Dogs. Their chances of
levelling it up were now deader than a do-do if indeed there can be degrees of
deadness – I mean you’re either dead or you aren’t. You can’t be deader than
something else which is also dead, can you? Never mind all that. The Dogs had
the final task of defending the 5 on 3 to achieve a modicum of respectability at
least. They failed. With 23 seconds remaining Jones slewed an Ooo Mr. Rigsby
pass to Tait. The latter then found the man over at the back door. It was
Klejna. He hammered the biscuit straight through the 5-hole of Zimozdra, who
had another good reason to shout “COWSON”. With the concession of the 6th Bison goal the mood in away
fans block became funereal. Black armbands were donned, obituaries were written
and eulogies were read. 6-3 Bison and goodnight Vienna.
Top bananas were
elected. Luka won the Dogs’ award and Talbot took the Bison beers.
