Payette’s Gunslingers Shoot Down Bison

Bison 2 Sheffield Steeldogs 6

24/3/12

Into the sleepy town of Basingstoke rode the gunslinging hardmen of Sheffield to rob the bank of Bison, firing their Colt 45s from the saddle and led by the notorious hockey outlaw André “Pieface” Payette. At the end of 60 minutes of hard hitting hockey it was the Dogs who deservedly galloped back to their mountain hideout (well Sheffield really) with the points. This was not a game for the shrinking violet.

Payette is the ultimate Marmite hockey player. Everyone in Sheffield loves him, whereas everyone outside of Sheffield hates him, although there are no doubt many who secretly admire him. Why? Well he is a man of limited skill and talent as a player. He wears the number 7, as did the great talent who was Eric Cantona, but the only thing these two could do in common would be Kung Fu kicking. Payette’s success has been in transforming the Dogs on a limited budget from a soft, no hope, bottom 3 EPL team into a tough hitting outfit who, if remaining results go their way, could finish 2^nd in the league this year. I wish I could have spent the whole of Payette’s 20 or so minutes of ice time watching the man himself and not the play, as his antics were pantomime villain personified. The expression agent provocateur could have been invented for him. He jostled, nudged, poked, pushed, slashed and sledged any player who came near him, picking on those who he knew had a short fuse. His cheap shots out of the officials’ view were legion. It was very clear what he was trying to doing. However, he didn’t have it all his own way and for long periods Bison gave as good as they got, especially in the form of Kurt Reynolds, who hit hard and then some including a massive hit on Payette himself after 90 seconds, which saw the French Canadian enforcer slump to the ice like a sack of potatoes, much to the delight of the crowd.

Things started well for Bison with Steve Moria giving his team a 1-0 lead in the 3^rd minute. The Canadian Colossus, such a light year ahead of Payette in terms of hockey skill, robbed his opposite number close to the blue line and would have been in on goal had Payette not hooked him. The referee, exercising the type of myopic sight typical of Mr Magoo, let it go. Mo kept his feet and possession of the puck, passed to Liam Chong on the boards, received the return pass and 5-holed Ben Bowns in the Dogs’ net.

On 7 minutes Nicky Chinn was invited to spend time at Her Majesty’s pleasure for a hook and the resultant power play saw the Dogs draw level with a goal from Ukrainian D-man, Pavel Gomeniuk. Set up by Payette and Steve Duncombe, he drifted in unchallenged and 5-holed Stephen Wall. A minute later it was 1-2 with Janis Ozolins planting a top shelf wrist shot past Wall from a pass by Stuart Brittle. Then only a minute after that Joe Miller was banged up for interference and during the power play which followed Slovak Cannon, Marcel Petran, was called for cross checking. He didn’t like it and let his view be known to the referee, continuing his angry monolog, even after he had left the ice, by hauling himself up to appear Kilroy like over the top of the glass. His protests were echoed by the Howling Man at the end of Row E, who expressed his contrary views in his usual arm waving, vocal style. This was considered beyond the pale by Mr. Boniface (Marcel’s actions, not the Howling Man’s that is) and he slapped a 10 minute misconduct on the hapless Slovak. On hearing this the Bespectacled Youth gave vent to his feelings on the matter in a manner so loud as to vex the Howling Man’s wife, would you believe?

Bison survived the 5 on 3 power play, but after Miller had returned to the ice to reduce the disadvantage to 5 on 4, the Dogs got their reward with their 3^rd goal – a back handed effort form Ben Morgan, assisted by Greg Wood and Edgars Bebris.

The 2^nd period belonged to Bison with Steve Moria claiming his 2^nd to make it 2-3 on 34 minutes, firing home from in front of the net and then striking a Ussain Bolt pose (yes he really did that), obviously having felt the need to challenge the Nicky Chinn moonwalk, to which we were treated a couple of weeks ago. Craig Tribe and Joe Miller assisted.

Late in the period there occurred an unsavoury incident of the greatest opprobrium. Coach Payette (yes him again) managed to dig the puck out from under Wall’s hand after he had frozen it. This was done on the blindside of the referee, who, had he seen it, may indeed have allowed the move, such was his optically challenged performance on the night, not to mention his selective calling. It made the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, a close and wholly reliable eye witness to the misdemeanour, fly into an apoplectic rage with the force of the Krakatoa eruption of 1883, although still less animated than one of the Howling Man’s outbursts. The Rabble Rouser even went as far as to suggest “Bonniface and Payette are shortly to engage in a civil partnership given some of their warm and tender exchanges this less than fine evening”. Surely an outrageous and indeed preposterous suggestion?  Perhaps the Rabble Rouser has inside information. The incident ended with the usual push and shove scrum, but nothing more. Most would agree that Payette deserved a severe punishment or, better still, to be laid out cold, for such a disgraceful and cynical attempt at cheating.

So ended the 2^nd with the Bison crowd well satisfied with their team’s performance after an iffy 1^st. They had ridden the storm of the Steeldogs’ physicality, given as good as they had got, cheap shots apart (well maybe there were one or two but only in retaliation) and, at only one goal in arrears, there was every chance of a come from behind win. However, things didn’t go according to this plan at all. Throughout the 3^rd Bison played like the Tin Man from the Wizzard of Oz i.e. with no heart. A capitulation saw them slip from 2-3 to 2-6. The Steeldogs’ 4^th goal came in the 45^th minute – an unassisted score from Ashley Calvert through Wall’s 5-hole. Worse was to come. Only a minute later Brittle had his collar felt and into the slammer he went for hooking. Bison desperately needed to make the power play count, but it was the Steeldogs who took advantage of some slack defending as Ozolins raced clear of a statuesque Bison blueline, fooled Wall with a clever deke and backhanded the puck over the line for 2-5 and game over. Ben Morgan and Ashley Calvert picked up the assists.

There then occurred a bizarre incident which cast further grave doubts in the minds of many concerning Mr. Boniface’s fitness to officiate. Kurt Reynolds was hit and collapsed in a heap to the ice. The aforementioned official, standing within a couple of feet of the clearly injured Bison D-man, allowed play to continue for some considerable time, before finally blowing the whistle. Why?

On 49 minutes Ozolins, looking for his hat-trick sent in a shot which cracked against Wall’s mask without causing injury to the netman. “Thank God for Jacques Plante” he must have thought. Jacques who? The first goaltender to wear a mask of course. However, Ozolins was not to be denied. With 5 minutes remaining he finished a slick move from Gibson to Brittle, beating Wall with a rocket wrist shot. It was goal number 53 of a fantastic season for the EPL’s top scorer. It was no surprise that the young Latvian sniper picked up the Dogs’ man of the match award. Liam Chong picked up the Bison beers for another all effort performance and his third successive MoM.

A final little cameo to relate. The rumours of Payette being the next player/coach of Bison are rife. At the end of the game he did a solo skate past and salute of the Bison blocks, maybe to gauge the reaction of the Bison crowd? Who knows?

Saving Ryan Seals Tigers Triumph

Bison 1 Telford Tigers 4

17/3/12

Bottom of the league Telford Tigers came to Planet Ice with a season’s record of only 9 wins (of which only 3 were won in regulation time) in 48 games and a goal tally of 1 scored for every 2 conceded. Everyone expected this to be like mugging a pensioner, shooting an unarmed man or stealing a sheet of music from Stevie Wonder. But on an evening of surprises, the Bison crowd were left open mouthed in shock as the pensioner fought back, the unarmed man ducked and Stevie Wonder clung tenaciously to his sheet of music. In the end a young Tigers team ran out winners by 4 goals to 1 and Bison can blame only themselves for a poor defensive display in the 1^st period which allowed the Tigers to rack up a 3-0 lead and effectively win the game.

Why is it that Bison have so much trouble beating the Tigers at home? 3 of their last 4 games at Planet Ice have seen the Tigers go home with the points. Do they raise their game or do Bison lower theirs or is it simply a case of over confidence? Probably all three of those apply.

Telford started the first period in lively fashion and roared into the lead with 2 goals inside a minute in the 6^th. Set up by the admirable Scott McKenzie, Slovak D-man, Juraj Senko fired in a shot which goaltender Matt Colclough seemed to have saved, but the puck squirmed under him. On came the goal light, up went the Tigers arms in celebration. These two were also involved in the second goal. This time Senko fed Joe Henry, whose centring pass was hammered home by way of a one timer snap shot from McKenzie standing all alone in front of goal without a Bison player to put him off. A similar lack of blue line vigilance resulted in the third goal on 16 minutes. This time it was 18 year old Callum Bowley firing in unmarked in front of goal for 0-3.

So ended the 1^st period with Bison outshooting the Tigers by 14-10, but failing to find a way past young netminder, Declan Ryan, who would walk off (actually skate off) with the Tigers’ Man of the Match beers at the end of the game. And a worthy winner he was. He faced 46 shots on the night and allowed only 1 – a save percentage of just below 0.98. It has to be said, however, that, although Ryan produced a series of good saves, many of his stops and blocks were made easy by Bison shooting straight at him and not finding the gaps. He didn’t have to be the size of Fatty Foulke (go on Google him).

Bison continued to press in the 2^nd, but without reward. 16 shots rained down on Ryan from all angles, but he stood as solid as the Great Wall of China. Towards the end of the period Slovak Cannon, Marcel Petran, received a 5 + game penalty for a head check on Scott McKenzie (someone correct me if I’ve got the wrong player). Just under 2 minutes of the penalty carried forward into the 3^rd period and shortly after Ryan Sutton, serving the penalty on Petran’s behalf, was sprung from the box, Bison finally clicked the scoreboard onto Home 1. In typical style, the Savvy Slovak, Viktor Kubenko, took the puck around the back of the Tigers’ net and slipped a pass to Bison top scorer Joe Miller. He found the gap between Ryan and post to score his 29^th of the season. Bison skipper, Nicky Chinn, picked up the second assist.

Was this the start of a Bison revival? There was certainly enough time on the clock for them to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. But it was not to be as Ryan continued to block, deflect, catch and engulf the puck and keep Bison at bay. 16 shots he faced in the period and only 1 goal did he allow.

With the clock ticking down past the 2 minute mark, Bison took the risk of pulling Matt Colclough. The Bison goaltender skated to the bench as fast as fast could be to allow the extra skater on for a 6 on 5. Then a bigger calamity than Calamity Jane herself struck. Surely with no goaltender, the attacking team has to keep the puck. A dump in is not a good idea as you have only a 50/50 chance of retaining possession. However, that’s what happened and the puck was picked up by Telford and worked forward to Luke Brittle by Ryan Selwood. The youngest of the 4 brothers Brittle sent the puck goalbound from the red line. Was it going in? Yes of course it was. 1-4 the game ended.

A disappointing night for Bison. Lots of effort, but, apart from Joe Miller’s goal, no end product, and a blueline nightmare which gifted 3 goals to the Tigers in the 1^st period which effectively won them the game. Well done to 19 year old Declan Ryan for his performance. He will consider himself very unlucky not to have recorded a shut out. Liam Chong with a typical all action display picked up the Bison beers. And Stevie Wonder? Well he kept his sheet of music.

Bison Nick the Bees’ Honey

Bracknell Bees 3 Bison 6

11/3/12

In their final meeting of the season with Berkshire neighbours, the Bracknell Bees, the Bison herd rampaged through their hosts’ hive, upset the honey pot (or was it the apple cart?) and made off with a very welcome 2 points. This road win ended a run of 4 straight defeats and consolidated Bison’s league position ahead of nearest rivals, the Swindon Wildcats. After romping into a 3-0 lead, the Basingstoke icemen allowed the Bees to come back to level the game at the beginning of the 3^rd and give them hope of success only to snatch the cup from their lips Tantalus style with 3 unanswered goals before the final buzzer.

Bison opened the scoring on 4 minutes. Savvy Slovak, Viktor Kubenko, carried the puck around the back of the net in his usual elegant style, but then demonstrated that he is much more than just a pretty sight by delivering a perfect pass to Ollie Bronnimann in front of goal. The Margate Marauder accepted Kubo’s kind invitation to shoot and hammered home.

Bison doubled their lead in the 8^th minute. Set up by Welsh Wizzard, Joe Miller, and Bouncing Czech, Daniel Volrab, the Flame Haired Jock, Tony “Tosh” Redmond rifled in a long range wrist shot for 0-2. Two minutes later it was 0-3. Set on his way by Chris Wiggins, Craig Tribe put his foot on the gas, powered forward and smashed a slap shot high into the net. If only the Genial Brummie in The Kieras shirt, Craig’s greatest admirer, could have seen that, but alas he was absent.

Rocked by the Bison onslaught, which had yielded 3 goals in only 6 minutes, the Bees called a time out and pulled ex-Bison goalie, Tom Annetts, doubtless suffering from shell shock, replacing him with Carl “Scrambler” Ambler (try saying that after a couple of beers). It seemed rather harsh on Tom, but the move did steady the Bees ship.

Bracknell threw themselves a lifeline scoring a power play goal in the last minute of the period with Nicky Chinn banged up for hooking. Set up by Rick Skene and Rob Lamey, Bees’ own Bouncing Czech, Lukas Smital, rifled in a wrist shot from the slot. Was it “too Smital, too late”, as the Bearded Rabble Rouser speculated? Well no because within a minute of the start of the 2^nd, it was 2-3 with Martin Masa getting his name on the scoresheet (does this piece of paper actually exist?). Don’t ask me to describe the goal because it all happened in the corner I couldn’t see. All I heard was the distinctive sound of a slap shot and saw a load of Bees players with their arms in the air. That’s all I can say. What sort of a rinkside reporter am I? Smital and Skene picked up the assists.

The play ebbed back and forth for the remainder of the period without further scoring thanks to a series of good saves and blocks by both goaltenders. 16 year old Cameron Wynn nearly scored his first goal for Bison towards the end of the period. Put through on goal he raced forward, but unfortunately slid to the ice before he could get his shot away and he, the covering defenseman and the goaltender ended up an untidy heap littering up the crease. The Bespectacled Youth called for a penalty and indeed a penalty shot, but it did look as if Cam had lost his footing before the D-man and he went to ground. Nothing was given.  The downside for the period for Bison was the sight of Ollie Bronnimann, just back from injury, down on the ice and having to leaving the rink injured.

With only a single goal lead to defend Bison skipper Nicky Chinn drew the players into a huddle at the start of the 3^rd and we can only assume delivered an inspirational speech to bolster their spirit determination. Alas, Nicky’s words of encouragement proved as useful as a chocolate teapot as the Bees came back to level terms within a minute of the restart. Chinny, who had another fine game as a stand in defenseman, shot the puck around the boards behind the Bison goal towards his defensive partner, but it was a loose one enabling the Bees to pick up the puck and work it out front to Rob Lamey. His first shot was saved by Stephen Wall, but his second found the mark. 3-3 it was. Smital and Skene, the ex-Bison blueliner, picked up the assists once more. It was Chicago born Skene’s third assist of the night. Well done to him.

The outcome of the game teetered on a knife edge. Although the Bees had come back from a 0-3 deficit to level it, it had been a classic end to end game so far and perhaps the next score was going to be the crucial one. This indeed proved to be the case and it was Bison who nosed in front on 46 minutes and then went on to fatally swat the Bees with another two goals. Viktor Kubenko was the man who made it 3-4. Kurt Reynolds set Chris Wiggins on his way. He fired a diagonal pass into the path of the Savvy Slovak, who beat Ambler with a powerful slap shot.

On 52 minutes the scoreboard clicked on to 3-5. This time Cameron Wynn was the provider for Joe Miller to hammer in his 27^th goal of a great season with Bison. Cymru am byth, Joe! Marcel Petran got the second assist. Slovensko na veky, Marcel. You’ll have to Google both of those.

Shortly afterwards Volrab was unlucky to see his saucer pass out of defense loop over the glass, which condemned him to a 2 minute stretch for delay of game. The puck landed by a steward. “Puck! Puck!” shouted the Bespectacled Youth, who had already collected 4 of them during the practice. The steward tossed him the puck, but then had to ask for it back as they didn’t seem to have a replacement. It turned out that they did and the Youth got his puck after all. Within seconds of Volrab’s liberation, Bison scored their final goal, which featured a clever piece of footwork, of which Lionel Messi would have been proud. Petran and Redmond combined to set up Liam Chong with only Skene and Ambler to beat. The pass was short and Liam had to kick the puck forward onto his stick. In doing so he left the D-man for dead and then smacked the puck into the net, leaving Skene and Ambler wondering why he wasn’t playing football for Barcelona instead.

5 minutes later the final buzzer sounded without further scoring. The game had been played in a generally good spirit and there were no fights. The only unsavoury incident of note occurred late in the 3^rd when Chinn was involved in a bit of push and shove with Smital, the latter then tripping up the former, who fell to the ice like a sack of spuds. Referee Szuchs missed that one completely. One wonders whether Fulton Allen could have done a better job of spotting that one. Fulton who? Fulton Allen - better known as Blind Boy Fuller. Youtube him…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7up2b4keW_k

Blue Meanies Invade Bisonland

Bison 3 Slough Jets 8

3/3/12

In the famous cartoon the Blue Meanies overran peace loving Pepperland, turning everything to stone. The Beatles came to the rescue in their Yellow Submarine. Last night it was the Blue Meanies from Slough who invaded peace loving Bisonland – OK “peace loving” is not really an appropriate expression to use with Chris Wiggins on the ice (as was confirmed late in the 3^rd period). In this case John, Paul, George and Ringo were not on hand to save the Basingstoke icemen.

Last week Bison crashed at home to “Potty” by 8-5. Last night another goal avalanche condemned them to an 8-3 defeat at the hands of a very strong “Sluff” outfit, gunning to finish in second place in the EPL. Aaron Connolly was an easy choice for the Jets man of the match with a hat-trick and two assists. Joe Miller picked up the Bison award for another all action display which, on another night, would have yielded more than one goal. The game may not have moved into overtime, but the Howling Man at the end of Row E did – see later comments.

However, it was not all gloom and despondency. In fact by the 16^th minute of the 1^st Bison had romped into a 2-0 lead through Miller and Wiggins and looked very capable of inflicting defeat on their Berkshire rivals. However, Slough pulled it back to 2-1 with 8 seconds of the period remaining and then proceeded to dominate the remainder of the game, scoring another 7 and allowing only 1. Tiredness and a series of defensive errors on the part of Bison combined with some masterful attacking play and pinpoint accurate shooting from Slough dictated the outcome.

Welsh Wizzard, Joe Miller, opened the scoring in the 3^rd minute. From a pass by Nicky Chinn, Bison’s Bouncing Czech, Daniel Volrab, hammered a shot against the bar. PING! Miller was the man on the spot to hammer in the rebound. Then on 16 minutes Chris Wiggins proved he is more than “just a goon”, as many opposing fans (and probably players as well) have described him. He showed dogged determination challenging for the puck against the boards, broke clear and sliced through the Slough defense to score. The Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, who had had a bird’s eye view from his position, declared that Wiggie’s footwork was worthy of comparison to Michael Flatley. Assists went to Kubenko and Cameron Wynn, the 16 year old's first EPL point - well done Cam. Things were looking very rosy for Bison. However, with only 8 seconds of the 1^st remaining, Doug Sheppard moved around the back of the Bison goal and picked out Aaron Connolly in front of the net. 2-1. Joe Greener was then involved in a frank exchange of opinions with Nicky Chinn and was lucky not to pick up a penalty to go with his assist for the goal.

Slough drew level on 24 minutes. From a face off, the puck fell to Sheppard whose wrist shot flew in top shelf. Greener and Connolly with the assists. A minute later Chinn was sentenced to 2 minutes porridge for a robust boarding on Andrew Melachrino, the man with a name which would look more at home as a dish on a Gordon Ramsay menu perhaps. Melachrino took a nasty hit, but was able to continue after a period of recovery. The resultant power play produced a second goal for Connolly, who stabbed the puck across the line from close in. Sheppard assisted. 2-3. Bison then drew level at 3-3. Viktor Kubenko tried to get in a shot, but realised his route to goal was blocked and instead slid a cross ice pass to Chinn, playing as a D-man once again. The Bison skipper sent in a long range shot from the point and in it went. Craig Tribe picked up the second assist.

A second unseemly incident then occurred. I didn’t see it myself, but the Genial Brummie in the Kieras shirt (that’s a bit ironic) said that ex-Bison Mindy Kieras had delivered a head check to Wiggins. What I did see was a lot of pushing and shoving and Kieras wisely declining Wiggins’s invitation to take the matter further. Both got a 2 + 2 for roughing which seemed a little harsh on Wiggins and rather lenient on Kieras.

At the halfway point with the scores level Bison looked quite capable of powering on to victory, but it was the Jets who would run the show from then on, firing in 5 unanswered goals. The goal fest started in the 34^th minute. A defensive error yielded possession of the puck to Adam Calder. He trapped the puck, swivelled and scored to restore the Jets’ lead at 3-4. Greener assisted. 4 minutes later the Bespectacled Youth in Block C bellowed “HOLDING!”, but no call was made and Connolly took possession of the puck and managed to complete his hat-trick with an angled shot for 3-5. Adam Calder assisted.

Stephen Wall came in to replace Matt Colclough in the Bison net for the 3^rd. Within a very short space of time things went from bad to worse for Bison. An icing infringement was called and Heron went “down the steps”. With less than a minute of the power play gone Kurt Reynolds and was invited to join Heron in the slammer for slashing. The Howling Man at the end of Row E, who up until that point had remained uncharacteristically silent, decided it was now time to share his considered opinion with those around him. “You’re so biased, Cloutman”, he yelled, threatening to burst the eardrums of his fellow spectators. It seemed unlikely that Bison could survive the 3 on 5 and indeed they didn’t. A tic-tac-toe move from Darius Pliskauskas to Aaron Connolly to Dan Davies moved the score onto 3-6. The Howling Man voiced his further thoughts “That’s 3 goals you’ve cost us, Cloutman.” One got the impression that Mr. Cloutman was never going to be on his Christmas card list as he continued to rent the air with his far from objective views, whilst all the time becoming redder and redder in the face. Those near him, despite receiving an unwanted aural invasion, must have started to worry about the possibility of the Howling Man suffering a fatal seizure. Thankfully he did not.

In the 52^nd minute a bit of push and shove between Kubenko and Galazzi escalated into a full scale unseemly altercation of the most unsavoury variety with Wiggins and the ever niggly Jets skipper, Joe Greener. It was difficult to see exactly what happened from the other side of the rink and with players in between, but the fists certainly flew and nearby observers declared a “win” for Wiggins. There then followed the usual negotiations between the officials and the two captains, trying to unravel who did what to whom. Suddenly the helmetless Greener skated across to his bench. “He’s been chucked out of the game,” declared the Genial Brummie, but he was wrong. Not only had Greener not been “red carded”, but he also escaped censure of any kind. How on earth? That had to be the most incomprehensible officials’ decisions ever seen at Planet Ice. One can only assume that Greener possesses a tongue so silver it bears a hallmark and managed to talk himself out of any form of punishment. Instead Galazzi received a 2 for roughing and Wiggins a 2 holding and a 2 + 2 + 10 for roughing. The Howling Man was apoplectic with rage once more. All the while the discussions were going on Bison goalie Wall sat on top of his goal with legs dangling, looking rather like Humpty Dumpty (thanks for that comparison Catherine) – a strange and somewhat entertaining spectacle.

The game then resumed. In desperation the man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt shouted "Come on, Bison. Just give us a goal." But they didn't. Instead Slough rounded off a very satisfactory night for their fans with another couple of goals, both from the ever dangerous Pliskauskas, one a back door score on the power play and the other resulting from a sloppy Bison line change leaving the lethal Lithuanian clear to skate in on goal and score. Davies assisted on both goals and Terry Miles on one. Pliskauskas now has no fewer than 40 for the season. The final buzzer was greeted with a sense of relief by many of the Bison fans – no double figure score. There was no sign of the Yellow Submarine.