40 Shot Bison Receive No Reward

Bison 2 Guildford Flames 3

21/12/14

Who was it who said, “There are lies, damned lies and statistics?” Was it Mark Twain, Benjamin Disraeli or Henry Du Pré Labouchère? (Who?) I’ll leave you to debate that one, if you wish, and all I will say is that whoever it was, he or indeed she would have loved to have been present at Planet Ice last night to prove the theory beyond a shadow of doubt. Looking at the shots on goal for the game Bison managed 40 and the Flames only 14, but it was the Flames who won the game. Did Bison deserve to win? Well probably not because many of their shots were long range efforts straight into the chest of goaltender James Hadfield, the sort of shot that most goaltenders worth their salt will gobble up until the cows come home. In contrast the Flames used their chances well and killed off the Bison challenge with 3 really well taken goals and a resolute defensive display which reduced Bison to the blue line blasters. Had there been present a party of peripatetic pagans from Popocatepetl, they might have wanted to make a human sacrifice on behalf of Bison to the hockey gods for good fortune. Would that have made a difference? Who knows? The pagans from Popocatepetl were absent.

It took the Flames only a minute and a half to find a way past Dean “Deano” Skinns in the Bison net. It was a neat move on the break. Matt Towe sent David Longstaff away along the right wing. Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard raced across to block Longstaff’s path to goal, which he succeed in doing. Alas for Coach Sheppard the Bison D had gone to pot, gone to pieces, gone missing, gone belly up, gone west, gone south, gone out to lunch, gone kerflooey and gone with the wind all at once. (Yes kerflooey is a real word). Longstaff used his long staff to fire the puck into the path of Roman Tvrdon, skating in to support his visor less captain, and his snap shot bulged the net. 0-1 Flames.

On 5 minutes in an all-Slovakian encounter Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba executed one of his characteristic hip checks on Vladimir Kutny. The Flame, however, did not fall over or cede possession of the puck. Marvellous Miro’s check then turned into interference as appeared to be giving Kutny a piggy back. The referee clearly thought that Miro required a period of silent contemplation to reflect upon the gravity of his misdemeanour and hopefully embark on a path to redemption. Into the penalty box he went. Bison successfully defended the power play, allowing only a single shot on goal in the ensuing 2 minutes. However, just as the door of the box swung open and Miro stepped back onto the ice to restore the contest to an even handed one, Jez Lundin snapped home from close in front of the net and it was 0-2 Flames. A solitary second separated the end of the penalty and the goal. Marcus Kristoffersson and Coach Paul Dixon were awarded assists. Had Che Guevara been present and been a Flames fan, he would have hurled his beret into the air, lit up his Cuban cigar and shouted “Viva la revolución”. Had Fidel Castro been present and been a Bison fan, he would have snapped his cigar in half and thrown it to the floor. But, in common with the pagans from Popocatepetl, neither of these hirsute revolutionaries were present.

Shortly after Grant “Barbie Girl” Rounding collapsed to the ice and remained there. It seemed like an age before referee Boardman blew his whistle, must to the fury of the crowd. In particular the Howling Man exploded into a characteristic tirade of disagreement. His “considered opinion”, as he calls it, was delivered at full volume. When Rounding left the ice he did not look in good shape and played no further part in the game. It looked like a nasty leg injury.

The clock ticked down and it looked as if the Flames were going to move into the first interval with their 2 goal lead intact. However, with only 8 seconds remaining the hockey gods gave Bison a bit of luck to reduce the arrears to 1-2. Long Ciaron Long raised his stick to send in a slap shot. Hadfield braced himself for the shot, but, much to his chagrin, it didn’t go where he thought it might. Long Ciaron’s shot was muffed and instead of flying towards Hadfield, it flew to Cuddly Joe Greener unmarked at the back door. He fired home, leaving Hafield looking as shocked as if he’d caught a protruding part of his anatomy in Granny’s mangle. Big toe was what I had in mind. Not sure what you were thinking of.

It had been a fairly even 1^st period. The 2^nd was not. Bison managed to outshoot the Flames by 18-5, but it was the Flames who returned to the locker room at the end of P2 with another goal and Bison with empty hands. That goal came in the 32 minute. The hockey gods had clearly shifted their allegiance to the men from the library by now. The play leading to the goal began when Long Ciaron cracked a superb shot off the underside of the bar. No Bison player was on hand to sweep in the rebound and the puck was fed to David Longstaff by Matt Towe via Vladimir Tvrdon. Longstaff, skating in from the left wing this time had Declan Balmer to beat. Mystic Jo assures me that ghosts are able to pass through solid objects, such as walls. Longstaff is no ghost, but he didn’t need to be as he slipped through Balmer as if he wasn’t there and beat Skinns with a low angled wrist shot. 1-3 Flames. The Bison backers were suffering pain as surely as if their feet had been run over by a Saturn V transporter (the largest wheeled vehicle ever built – I’ve told you that before).

There were no further goals in the period, but I cannot progress to a description of events in P3 without lauding the bravery of Bison netman Dean “Deano” Skinns. On two occasions he was hit on the mask and I’m not talking about glancing blows, I’m taking about full blooded, square on pile drivers to the bonce. On both occasions he stayed down on the ice for some time, much to the horror of Speedway Girl, holder of membership card 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society (I’ve told you that before). Eventually he was able to continue and continue he did. He always does. However, it has to be said he didn’t look right for the rest of the game and maybe he should have been pulled for his own sake. Hockey goaltenders may be all mad, but they are also made of stern stuff and are possibly even brave to the point of stupidity. It will continue to be a massively controversial debate as to whether a sportsman, who suffers a blow to the head, should be automatically withdrawn from the game. Can’t see that working in boxing, though.

Bison continued the onslaught of P2 in P3. They bombarded Hadfield with 15 shots, while the Flames managed only 3 in reply. However, it was with only 8 seconds left that they finally managed to reduce it to a one goal game with Deano pulled from the net for a final hurrah 6 on 5, as I shall relate. Before I do so, however, I feel an obligation to appraise you of the details of a less than savoury confrontation between Danny Meyers (as opposed to Mike Myers who is someone completely different) and Cuddly Joe Greener (as opposed to Hughie Green who is also someone completely different), the former taking umbrage at the physicality of the latter.  The two opponents came together in an angry manner. Was it going to be akin to the famous 1810 All England title fight between Tom Cribb and Tom Molyneux  – 33 rounds of savage bare knuckle pounding, blood, guts and sinews? Well no. There were no bare knuckles, no pounding, no blood, guts or even sinews, just verbals and the confrontation subsided without further ado. Would Mike Myers and Hughie Green have behaved in the same way? Who can tell?

Back to the goal. Don’t ask me to describe it. Notwithstanding that I run the risk of surrendering my apparent air of neutrality as a reporter, I have to admit, dear reader, that by then I was sinking into a morass of despair, defeatism and depression and I wasn’t concentrating. All I can tell you is that it was a messy goal scored by Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov assisted by Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Long Ciaron Long. 2-3 Flames.

Only 8 seconds remained, alas not long enough for Bison to pull off the miracle comeback. The shot count for the 2^nd and 3^rd periods combined was 33-8 in Bison’s favour, but Hadfield had managed to gobble up 32 of those shots and it was he who carried off the Flames’ Top Banana award. His Bison counterpart was Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, who once again and for the umpteenth time had a superb game on the Bison blue line and, had he not been playing, the Flames’ shot count for the match would have been a lot higher than 14 and, belying the statistics, it could have been a runaway victory for the well drilled librarians. 

Auzins shows both his class and lack of it

Bison 2 Peterborough Phantoms 4

6/12/14

Remember the last occasion Janis Auzins, the Phantoms’ goaltender, visited Planet Ice? He displayed so many mental defects that he would have sent Freud mad trying to analyse him. He ended up getting a match penalty for charging out of his crease, standing over a prostrate Grant Rounding and assaulting him with his catcher and blocker and then going meekly back to his crease as if nothing had happened. Well last night he kept his head and, with a rock solid display, effectively won the game for the Phantoms. Alas he let down himself, his coach, his team mates and the small band of Phantoms faithful, who had made the long trip, with an inflammatory gesture towards the Bison crowd when receiving his man of the match award. More about that later.

Before last night Bison seemed to have the Indian sign over the Phantoms this season with 3 wins out of 3 including a 5-2 road win on ghostly ice last Sunday. Could their good form continue or were the Phantoms to exact revenge against Bison? Well it proved to be the latter.

All looked rosy in the Bison garden as P1 opened. James Hutchinson found himself in the greenhouse for raising his stick as high as a hoe after 56 seconds. Bison looked fresh as a daisy and weren’t going to let the grass grow under their feet or sit on the fence. They well and truly grasped the nettle and within 5 seconds it was 1-0 Bison. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba slewed a pass to Long Ciaron Long in the slot. Had goaltender Auzins possessed the physical attributes of Charlie Dimmock, he could have blocked the goal completely, but he didn’t and he couldn’t. Long Ciaron’s slap shot was planted in the net via a tip from the stick of Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard. The spirits of the Phantoms faithfully fell like autumn leaves. Everything was coming up roses for Bison, but were we leading ourselves up the garden path?

Play continued in a competitive and robust manner. The epitome of this robustness was a massive legal hit by Lumberjack Joe Rand on the hapless Edgars Bebris. So titanic was the check that the latter’s helmet was sent flying from his head. However, things became a little too robust for referee Matthews on 7 minutes and he called Rick “The Beard” Skene for slashing. Just over a minute later there occurred an incident of great controversy. Michael “Muzzy” Wales was called for tripping goaltender Auzins. From where I sat it could have been a trip, but the Gooner, sitting behind the goal, at a different angle and much closer to the incident, said that there was no contact. He was convinced that Auzins had executed a spectacular Premiership footballer style dive, making a 3 course meal of it, and conning Ref Matthews. Many other Bison backers thought the same, as shouts of “Oh what a dive!” rent the air. One dissenter was unsurprisingly the Howling Man, who gave vent to his considered opinion at a sonic boom level of noise. Into the box went Muzzy. The Phantoms capitalised with 10 seconds of the 5 on 3 remaining. Set up by Tom Norton, Deadly Darius Pliskauskas, a perennial thorn in the side of Bison (OK no more gardening references) fired in a slap shot from the slot past a screened Skinns in the Bison net. 1-1. The goal caused the spirits of the Bison backers to become as flat as if they’d been trampled on by a gang of bovver boys wearing size 15 Doc Martens. There were those who thought that Mr. Matthews should have been awarded an assist.

On 11 minutes it was 2-1 Phantoms. Edgars Apelis’s shot hit the post. Skinns lost sight of the puck and appeared to think he had covered it as he was down on his haunches and not moving. But the puck was still loose and Alan Lack slid it over the line. Red light on. Goal awarded. The mood amongst the Bison backers became as flat as a rolled lawn (oh sorry I said no more gardening references, didn't I?).

The period ended with no further goals and only a single penalty when Hutchinson was called for delay of game for lofting the puck over the glass as if Rory McIlroy taking a tee shot. It is with great pleasure that I report that no-one was injured by the flying projectile.

Shots on goal had been about even and P2 was played out in the same manner. However, it was the Phantoms who were to take advantage of their opportunities and rack up a 4-2 advantage by the end of the period, causing the Bison backers to become not only downcast, downbeat and downheated, but also down in the dumps, down in the mouth and down at heel.

On 33 minutes it was 3-1. Poor defending allowed James Ferrara a run on goal. He deked and shot, but Skinns saved. Alas the puck was loose and Tom Norton slid it over the line just as the net was coming off it moorings. “After he event,” said the referee and declared it a good goal. Milan Baranyk picked up the second assist.

Bison had to get back in the game quickly as the Phantoms were threatening to run away with proceedings. Thus they did with their own 5 on 3 power play goal on 36 minutes. The first Phantoms penalty was called for boarding by Cameron McGiffin on Grant Rounding. It was a nasty check which floored Rounding for a minute or two before he left the ice in obvious discomfort. “Head check!” declared the Howling Man, who started up yet another tirade which saw his bald patch turning from pink to dark cerise in colour. Was his head going to explode? Thankfully not. 1:18 into the 5 on 4 and Baranyk was called for tripping. Had Yoda been the ref he would have said “Saw that I did. Your opponent you tripped. To the penalty box go you must.” However, he wasn’t, although Mr. Matthews may well have said these words nevertheless (unlikely).

Bison now had 42 seconds of a 5 on 3 and they capitalised with only 10 seconds remaining. A Slovak/Czech combination flourished as Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba slewed a pass from the point to Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in the slot. Karps fired a slap shot past a screened Auzins and it was 2-3. Lumberjack Joe Rand, who would later be elected Bison’s top banana, picked up the second assist.

Alas for Bison the revival was short lived and Mr. Matthews, in some people’s opinion, was to pick up his second assist. Luke Ferrara and Miroslav Vantroba collided in mid ice and fell over. “You tripped him,” said Mr. Matthews to Marvellous Miro. Not only I, but also the Howling Man, who again became somewhat more than mildly irritated, and 1,000 other spectators couldn’t see that in a month of Sundays, but off to the box went a frustrated Miro.

A minute later (on 38 minutes) the Phantoms scored with a smart move terminated by an unmarked James Ferrara snapping the puck in at the back door. 4-2 Phantoms. Assists to Norton and Baranyk. The goal caused the glass half empty naysayers amongst the Bison backers to start a-moanin’ and a-groanin’ and cast “I told you so” glances at fellow glass half empty naysayers.

Could Bison come back from a 2 goal deficit in P3? As the period wore on this looked increasingly unlikely as stout defence from the Phantoms forced most of Bison’s shooting to come from long range and, in the absence of deflections and/or a screen of players in front of him, Auzins was going to gobble up these sorts of shots all night. The Bison players and backers were becoming as frustrated as a man with a punctured inflatable doll and no puncture repair kit (let’s not go there). Eventually the frustration boiled over with 3 minutes remaining as an unseemly altercation, most violent in character, broke out behind the Phantoms net, principally involving Marvellous Miro and Mason Webster. Both were given 2 + 2 roughing penalties, but Miro copped a match penalty in addition for throwing off the linesman’s hand not once but twice on his way to the box. Why the lino thought it necessary to lay his hand on Miro is a mystery, as he was skating towards the penal institution quite ….. well not happily, but certainly directly and in a manner displaying sufficient rapidity. However, you can’t do what the follically challenged Slovak blueliner did and he may also have given vent to his considered opinion in the style of the Howling Man to make matters even worse. Further punishment was inevitable. The bald patch on Howling Man’s head went from dark cerise to purple as he enunciated his thoughts on the matter. Miro’s bald head may have been a similar colour, reflecting his state of mind, namely incandescent with rage, but this must remain a matter of speculation.

So ended the game, but not the controversy. On being announced as the Phantoms’ top banana, Janis Auzins skated up to receive his beers and then turned round to face the Bison crowd with arms aloft. It was an inflammatory gesture and the sort of gloating incitement which hockey, and indeed every sport, can do without. The Phantoms team were applauded in the usual sporting way by the Bison crowd as they skated past, but not Auzins. The boos rang out for him. Whether that was right or wrong is a matter for debate, but Mr. Auzins would be well advised to consider his behaviour next time he is a guest at another team’s rink.