Fog on the Tyne is All Mine All Mine

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 1

3/9/16

Remember Randy Crawford? She had a big hit in 1981 with a cover of the song “Rainy Night in Georgia”. Well parallels can be drawn with last night’s season opener pitching the league champions Basingstoke Bison against the EPL Cup and Playoff winners the Guildford Flames – we had a “foggy night in Basingstoke”. The less said about the farce of the structurally defective building, the foggy icepad and perpetually steamed up plexi, which rendered the game unwatchable from several of the blocks, the better. Everyone who was there knows what I am talking about. Planet Ice – sort it! It was an embarrassment. Anyway there was actually a game played, despite the fact that many people who were there probably saw as much as those who were not there at all. Hopefully, my humble account will render those whose optical experience was severely impinged upon slightly better informed concerning the proceedings of the night.

Down went the puck and P1 opened. It took Bison just under a minute to snatch the lead. They had hardly allowed the Flames out of their half with a tactic of aggressive forechecking. And it paid off when Stuart “The Cat” Mogg fired in a shot from just inside the blue line. Ivan/Vanya Antonov got a piece of it before Petr Polodna put it past goaltender Michael Will and over the line. It was a bally good goal. Just the ticket you might say, dash it all. The mood in the away block was one of great pathos. For the avoidance of doubt Pathos was not one of the three musketeers - that was Porthos. 1-0 Bison.

The Flames came back into the game on 8:19 with a power play goal scored in a 5 on 3. With a cross checking Long Ciaron Long and a hooking Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov banged up the Flames worked the two man advantage to perfection. With Tom Duggan and Jens Eriksen combining to fashion a wide open back door opportunity for Danny Meyers. He cracked the puck home by way of a clapper and it was 1-1.

It didn’t take Bison long to resnatch the lead – less than 4 minutes to be precise. According to Edward Lear the owl and the pussy cat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. On 12:06 the Flames D also went, not to sea but to pot. General Grant Rounding slipped the puck to Karpov, who was completely unmarked. He had dodged the Flames’ defence as skilfully as a couch potato would slalom past the lettuce and grated carrots at a buffet lunch. He set off across the face of the goal and backhanded a 5-holer. 2-1 Bison.

3 minutes later the Flames were undone once more. Caught with their trousers down, they conceded that ignominious of all goals – a shortie. Karpov was called for tripping. As this was Bison’s 4^th penalty of the game we wondered whether it was a deliberate ploy so they could practice their penalty kill. The Flames found themselves over committed in attack so that when René Jarolin broke forward on the left wing with Aaron “Billy” Connolly in support they could boast only a solitary D-man to cover both Bison forwards. The Bison men precipitated towards the goal like a couple of gold prospectors rushing to the Klondike circa 1897. Jarolin looked up, moved forwards and then squared the puck to Connolly, who rifled a shot towards goal. Billy saw the puck passanda the bar and into the net. Blistering Biriyanis! What a goal. And a goal which curried great favour with the crowd who bubbled over like an overheated saucepan of chicken vindaloo. 3-1 Bison and oh dear Flames.

So ended the period with Bison sitting pretty, but there was a long road still to navigate before the final curtain and, although the short handed goal had added insult to injury to the visitors, it was no good crying over spilt milk. It was back to the drawing board for the Flames. The ball was now back in their court and they would have to get themselves into gear and firing on all cylinders to pull the iron out of the fire or Bison would foreclose on the Flames’ mortgage. It wasn’t going to be a piece of cake and they couldn’t cut corners. They had to step up to the plate and give Bison a taste of their own medicine or they would miss the boat. (15 idioms in one paragraph – not bad, eh? However, what did it all mean? Who knows?).

As it proved, the Flames did not step up to the plate or anything else for that matter and, once again, found themselves soundly spanked by bad defending on 24:02. It is widely known that the Dodo, a flightless bird native to the island of Mauritius, is now extinct. It is thought that the last one fell of its perch in 1681. Look for one today, either on Mauritius or in Basingstoke, and you will be engaging in a fruitless search, especially in the latterly mentioned metropolis. Similarly had you looked for a Flames’ defenceman in the 24th minute at Planet Ice last night, your quest would have resulted in a comparable lack of success. The D was completely absent when Desperate Dan Davies fired a pin point accurate pass down the centre of the ice to an unmarked Jarolin. He set off over the blue line and then cracked in a slapshot over the shoulder of Will, who may have been willing, but with all the will in the world, couldn’t stop it. He must by now have been wishing that he had written his will because impending doom for the Guildford icemen seemed to be fast approaching. An assist also to Connolly. 4-1 Bison.

Despite their best efforts the Flames could not find a way through and the period was played out with no further scoring. But shortly after the opening of the 3^rd period there was more Ooo Betty defending from the visitors. Polodna carried the puck along the right wing and into the corner. It appeared that the covering defenceman had him well boxed in, but suddenly the puck emerged – Polodna had manged to squirt a brilliant pass across ice to the centre of the goal area. The goaltender must have thought he was seeing double as both Antonovs (Ivan and Vanya) appeared in front of him. As described by the Bespectacled Youth “he dangled the jock strap off the nettie” and scored. 5-1 Bison.

With the 5^th Bison goal blood drained from the Flames’ chances of winning the game, which now took on a pallid, cadaverous and positively sepulchrally wraithlike look. The bell was tolling. They could make no impression in the remaining 14 minutes and the game ended in ignominious defeat.

Men of the match were Ben Campbell (remember Glencoe – never trust a Campbell) and the Bison award was shared between Ivan and Vanya Antonov, who received half a box of beers each.