Shell-shocked Goaltender Lakosil Lacks the Will to Live

Bison 6 Hull Pirates 1

28/1/17

All the way from the Hungarian MOL Liga came the curiously named Czech goaltender Vlastimil Lakosil to keep net for the famed Hull Pirates. Little did he realise that he would be playing behind a defence composed entirely of invisible men. Last night at Planet Ice the homesters racked up an astonishing 70 shots on goal and by the end of the evening the wretched netman must have wanted to rush off to the nearest psychiatrist’s couch, so jangled were his nerves.

P1 opened and Bison were on the offensive straight away. However, despite their dominance, they had to wait until the last minute of the period before they set the scoreboard clicking. Having shut the homesters out for 19:36, what the Pirates did not need was a chunderous defensive lapse. Instead of iron-curtain-esque defending, what we saw was wet-paper-bag-esque defending as Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds put in Long Ciaron Long. Long Ciaron was in on goal and slid the puck past Lakosil. 1-0 Bison.

Shortly after the interval buzzer sounded. It had been a zim-zam-zaramango period for Bison in terms of dominance of play, which was illustrated by the shot count of 23-5 in their favour. However, a solitary goal advantage can be overturned as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson (does anybody actually say “Jack Robinson”?) and they needed to hammer home their advantage in P2. This they did, as I shall relate, dear reader.

During the first interval the ice was Zambonied by a man in a suit and tie, which I found a trifle curious I must say. Someone had clearly forgotten to appraise him of the appropriate dress code for such a task. It mattered not a jot as he got the job done. P2 opened and we didn’t have long to wait before Bison surged into a 2-0 lead. Last week we saw a very rare short handed penalty shot goal. This time we saw an equally rare delayed penalty short handed goal. Let’s go back to 1:04 into the period. Without warning a sonorous blast was heard. It had emanated from Referee Matthews’s Acme Thunderer. “You’re going down the steps, matey,” he said to a holding Dan Scott and indeed down the steps (or more accurately up one step) went the miscreant. On 21:53 with Referee Matthews’s hand raised aloft against the Pirates, Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov was put in by Long Ciaron Long. The Czech chap whipped in a superbly placed wrist shot from wide to the goaltender’s right. The shot flew across the unfortunate netman and past his glove on its way to the top corner of the net for a DP/SH goal. Further assist to Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer. 2-0 Bison.

Bison continued to rain shots down onto the head of the hapless Lakosil, who might have begun to think it was personal. Surely one was bound to go in sooner or later and indeed it did. With Lee Haywood having his collar felt for boarding, Bison went on the power play. Shortly after it was announced that the penalty was for holding not boarding. It mattered not a jot as Heywood remained in the slammer, from where he was able to observe one of the finest screened wrist shot goals you are ever likely to see. Long set up Karpov just inside the blue line (or at least where the blue line used to be). The Pirates might just as well have had Ray Charles in the net. The luckless Lakosil could see nothing except a screen of players in front of him as Karpov unleashed a perfectly placed wrist shot. The puck flew past the unsighted netman like an angry cranefly (I'm not sure cranefly get angry actually) and into the top corner of the net. Balmer with a further assist. 3-0 Bison.

 There were no more goals in the period and the buzzer sounded to call a halt to proceeding at 40:00. The interval saw the Bison backers lost in meditation. All except a moaning Bespectacled Youth and a hungry Che Guevara impersonator who had the challenging task of sharing an uncut pizza. This they messily achieved by tearing off ragged sections of the culinary delight like a pair of carnivorous cavemen ripping flesh from a slain animal. It was quite a spectacle.

P2 had been a bonzer session for Bison. The Pirates were going down under like a jolly swagman drowning in a billabong. They needed a goal to get back into the game or it would be g’day to their hopes of winning. But a piratical win seemed like a load of sheepdip as Bison sheared away at the hapless Lakosil once more. Nevertheless, the improbable did, in fact, occur in the 48^th minute. The Pirates bagged a goal. I, in common with most others, have no idea how it went in, but it did. Way back in 1960 the Shadows had a hit with “Man of Mystery”. This title could have been used to describe the scorer of the goal, as far as I was concerned, as I had no idea who he was until he was identified as Tommi Laine from Lee Bonner over the tannoy. However, this proved to be a tissue of lies and the scorer was later changed to Andrej Themar from Laine and Bonner. Never mind. It was 3-1 and the Pirates had a straw to clutch at.

But alas things were about to go pear shaped for the visitors. (Strange expression that – pear shaped. What’s wrong with the shape of a pear?) Let’s just say their chances of winning the game went from possible to improbable then to unimaginable and finally to you ‘avin’ a laugh, mate? in the space of 4 minutes as Bison slammed 3 more goals past the hapless Lakosil and in doing so squeezed the last drop of joy from the wretched netman’s being.

The scoreboard clicked to 4-1 on 54:22, but not before an unsavoury incident involving Declan Balmer and Dominic Osman (not to be confused with Donny Osmond who is someone completely different of course). The lack of a referee’s call incensed the Howling Man, who cranked up to full volume with his bald patch turning to the “most angry” shade of dark cerise as he bellowed “ELBOW TO THE HEAD, MATTHEWS!” But Mr. Matthews, clearly in a tribute to Mister Magoo, had seen nothing and play continued. It mattered not a jot as, shortly after, Bison hammered that 4^th goal. Desperate Dan Davies fed Karpov, who passed inside. The puck sizzled across the ice like an egg on a hot griddle right into the path of Jarolin and the bespectacled Slovak hammered it past the infelicitous Lakosil. 4-1 Bison.

Lakosil’s night was about to get worse. Within a minute it was 5-1. On this occasion the brains of the Pirates’ D-men, although presumably present, were clearly not in use, as their poor positioning and lack of awareness of the danger clearly illustrated disengagement in the thought process department. Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird passed up the boards to Jarolin. He passed inside to Long Ciaron Long, who was in on goal with no Pirate to challenge him. He deked and roofed a backhander. 5-1 Bison.

Lakosil must have been pretty shell-shocked by this time. Not even Pretty Boy Floyd and Baby Face Nelson firing Tommy guns from the hip could have made a better job of peppering the goal than Bison had, but, despite conceding 5 goals, Lakosil had kept out 60 of the 65 shots rained upon him. He would have liked to have kept out the 66^th. He failed. On 58:26 Bison completed the scoring, which was just as well as by now the biro of the score sheet scribbler was running out of ink. Put in by a combination of Dan Scott and Dangerous Derek Roehl, Jarolin cut through the Pirates’ D like a Samurai sword slicing through a slab of tofu and whipped a wrist shot past the despairing net minder, who for the 6^th time had failed to mind his net. 6-1 Bison and for the Pirates it was now a lost cause. They had lost their composure, lost their bearings, lost their resilience and poor Lakosil had lost his marbles. It was a lost cause. The game and indeed everything was lost. The final buzzer sounded and it was all over.

Top Bananas were Tommi Laine for the Pirates and Tomas Karpov for Bison. Maybe Lakosil should have bagged the visitors’ beers. Even though he had a wretched night he still manged to clock a save percentage of 91.43%. He is unlikely to have a more active evening.

Bees' Old Boys Bash Bracknell

Bison 5 Bracknell Bees 0

21/1/17

Edward Teach was the most notorious pirate of the 18th century. Who? Why Blackbeard of course. He would strike terror into the hearts of merchant seamen whose ships he approached. A big man with a colossal black beard he would be seen standing on the deck of his ship wearing a conspicuous red coat and with two swords hanging from his belt and a bandoleer holding six flintlock pistols across his chest. To accentuate his Devilish image he would weave smouldering tapers into his hair and beard. No wonder most of the merchant vessels he approached gave up without a fight. Well last night we could a similar capitulation as the lowly Bracknell Bees with a season’s record of 7 and 31 and including 0 and 5 against Bison came to the crumbling wreck known as the Basingstoke Arena for their final tilt of the season against their local rivals. Far from being intimidated they gave it a go and almost matched Bison shot for shot. But alas for the Bees they were undone by their former players with 4 of Bison’s 5 being scored by ex Bees as Bison took their chances with clinical precision.

P1 opened and on 8:29 The Bees’ Josh Smith was banged to rights for slashing. Referee Pickett felt his collar and sent him down the steps to the slammer to do 2 minutes’ porridge. He must have hoped that his teams’ penalty kill would snuff out the Bison threat. It didn’t. A minute into the power play René Jarolin skated across from the right wing and unleashed a shot. The diminutive and follically challenged Bees’ netman, Alex Mettam, might have had the shot covered, but it mattered not a jot as Vanya and Ivan Antonov were there to tip it in (I am not sue which one). Luckily Referee Pickett didn’t see both of them or he would have called Bison for too many men on the ice and disallowed the goal. Mettam, appeared to get a piece of it, but not enough of a piece. Had he possessed Hobbit sized feet, similar to Frodo Baggins, he might have been able to stop the shot, but he didn’t and couldn’t. The puck sneaked across the line. The explosion of joy in the Bison backer blocks could be likened to the eruption of Vesuvius on August 24th, 79 A.D., but thankfully no molten lava was involved. 1-0 Bison.

Bison were not content with a solitary goal advantage and doubled their lead less than 3 minutes later. It was short handed penalty shot goal and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those before. The sequence of events began when Matt Towlaski, who sounds like a Russian but isn’t, was sent to the cooler for slashing. With the penalty nearly expired one of the Antonov twins burst through a statuesque Bees’ defence and was in on goal. The covering D-man, who hadn’t lived up to his task title, could not dispossess the flying Russian by fair means and instead impeded him by foul means. Up went Mr. Pickett’s arm. He deliberated for what seemed like an eternity as the crowd bellowed “PENALTY SHOT!” and then crossed his arms above his head to indicate that it was indeed a penalty shot. Vanya and Ivan Antonov discussed between themselves who was going to take the shot and Vanya was elected shooter. He steamed straight up the middle and unleashed a vicious wrist shot, which flew past the hapless Mettam and into the net. 2-0 Bison.

Time ticked by, as it does, and into the final minute of P1 we passed. “That will be it then – a 2-0 interval lead”, said the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt to the Che Guevara impersonator. But what do they know? Bison hadn’t finished yet and with 34 seconds to go they rippled the net once more. And the nature of the goal was very Oooo Betty as far as the Bees were concerned. Jarolin cut across the point from the right wing and made his point by unleashing a shot. Mettam executed a smart save and the puck rebounded far away up the slot. Alas the luxuriantly bearded netman was now out of his goal and, as he attempted to slide across, he was bowled over by one of his own players, losing both his stick, his marbles and his temper all at once. It was Keystone Cops stuff in the Bees’ D. The puck fell perfectly for Matt Towlaski just inside the blue line. He delivered a cracker of a clapper and the puck flew into the empty net with the velocity of a bullet fired from the Lee Enfield .303 of Howard Railton. (Who? See footnote). 3-0 Bison.

Half a minute later the buzzer sounded to bring an end to the proceedings of P1. It had been a purple period for Bison. How purple? Put it this way. Had Prince been present he would have been impressed with the degree of purpleness.

P2 opened, there were no goals, but plenty of incidents, none of which I am going to describe. P2 closed.

The Bees must have been satisfied with their P2 shut out performance. However, their hopes of getting back into the game were cruelly dashed like surf upon the rocks within 2 minutes of the start of the final period, as I shall relate, dear reader. But first …..

In 1852, Elisha Otis introduced the safety elevator, which prevented the fall of the cab if the cable broke. He demonstrated it at an exposition in the Crystal Palace (see above) in a dramatic, death-defying presentation in 1854. His accomplice cut the rope suspending the elevator (see top of picture), but the safety device locked the platform in place and thus prevented Mr. Otis from plunging to a hideous doom. The astonished spectators stood open mouthed in amazement. And in a similar fashion the Bison backers stood astonished, amazed and open mouthed at Bison's 4^th goal which occurred on 41:46 as it was a feat of similar spectacularity (OK I know that’s not a real word). Antonov to Roehl. Dangerous Derek’s shot/pass took to the air (possibly deflected by another stick). The puck bounced in front of Jarolin, who had his back to the goal. Nothing looked on, but suddenly the puck was in the net. Jarolin had scored with a backhander batting the puck out of the air. A truly extraordinary effort. Elisha Otis would have been impressed. 4-0 Bison.

Bison surged further ahead on 43:50. It was a masterpiece of manoeuvring by General Grant Rounding, of which his namesake General Ulysses S. Grant (see below) would have been impressed. Set up by Long and Karpov he sliced through the Bees’ D as if it wasn’t there. You could say that the defending was bungled, botched and bollixed (not that’s not a mis-spelling of a rude word – look it up in the dictionary – it’s a real word). The inept D-men provided no obstacle to Rounding’s progress and, as a consequence, must have adopted feelings of acute embarrassment. The general appeared to have lost the puck, but he hadn’t. He had, in fact, retained possession and slipped the biscuit past Mettam to become the third ex-Bee to score on the night. 5-0 Bison.

Many years ago the last hair fell from the scalp of the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A – it had finally gave up its desperate struggle to remain in its follicle. At 0-5 down the Bees could have capitulated and surrendered to the inevitable in a similar fashion, but they didn’t. They continued to give their all in a desperate attempt to find a way past the rock solid Tomas Hiadlovsky in the bison net. They failed. Hiadlo had his shut out and Bison had the points.

All that remained was to elect the Top Bananas (presentations by Mystic Jo!). Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson copped the Bees’ accolade and the Antonov twins were once again forced to share the prize between them.

Footnote : Howard Railton was the best shot in my school shooting team. He was the top gun at the Essex Shoot in 1971 & 1972. Now you know.

Bison Tame the Dogs on Long's Landmark Night

Bison 5 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

14/1/17

A special night for Long Ciaron Long playing in his 500^th EPL game (he’s still only 25) saw a feisty game with thrills, spills, goals, a goaltender assist, a fight and enough excitement to fill the Albert Hall. The short benched visitors from the frozen wastes of the North escaped with a respectable defeat instead of the ignominious flagellation that many were expecting.

The game opened in lively fashion, but it wasn’t until the 13^th minute that Bison took the lead. The Dogs were caught on the hop and with their trousers down, although I doubt whether it’s actually possible to do the former whilst in the latter sate of undress. Never mind. Alas for the Dogs, their defence seemed all at sea, but unlike the owl and the pussy cat they had no beautiful pea green boat. In fact they had no boat, no paddle and no hope. It was 2 on 1 or a 3 on 1 if you count the Antonovs as two people. Vanya Antonov charged forwards with Desperate Dan Davies in support. He fired the puck to the back door where Davies, instead of having a crack himself (not to be confused with smoking crack) fired the puck back to Ivan Antonov who stuffed it past the hapless James Hadfield in the Dogs’ net. 1-0 Bison.

Not long after and just as the clock was about to strike 16 minutes Bison surged further ahead, as I shall relate, dear reader. Before I do I must ask do you recognise this sculpture?

It is, of course, Michaelangelo’s David. Modesty prevents me from showing a picture of the entire work. Had I done so I might have attracted the disapprobation and condemnation of the less liberally minded amongst my readership and even been accused of outraging public decency. My point? Why travel to Italy, art lovers and lady Bison fans (perhaps you fall into both categories), to gaze at David when you can see a comparable work of art at Planet Ice? And that is exactly what Bison’s 2^nd goal was. Bison goaltender Tomas Hiadlovsky fired a long pass to the red line to find Davies on the left wing. He moved forward and put in Antonov, either Ivan or Vanya I am not sure. Whichever one it was he moved forward and then without warning whipped a peach of a wrist shot past Hadfield blocker side before he could react. The move and finish were art personified. Assists to Davies and Hiadlovsky, who now has an extraordinary total of 6 apples for the season. And he very nearly had a 7^th when he fired the puck forward to an all alone Derek Roehl and put him in on goal. Alas Dangerous Derek couldn’t beat Hadfield on this occasion and Hiadlo’s apple count remained at 6. But what the hell that’s still 6 times as many points as the odious, repellent and obnoxious Callum Pattison, who was suspended for the game, can boast this season. In the 143 games of his EPL career the loathsome, detestable and talentless Pattison, a forward, has managed an embarrassingly paltry tally of 2 goals and 7 assists, but a gargantuan 801 penalty minutes. No prizes for guessing why this unpleasant, abominable and inept ne’er-do-well is in the team then, but thankfully not last night. (Statistics from the Elite Prospects web site, adjectives from me).

Bison went into the break with the 2-0 lead. They looked to be cruising, but the Dogs were not dead and buried yet and 5:57 into the 2^nd they scored a DP goal. Set up by Bell and Calvert, Arnoldas Bosas hammered in a long range shot from the slot and it was 2-1 with all to play for. I can confirm that Aronldas Bosas is only one person despite the proliferation of “S”s on the ends of his names – there could be 4 of them.

And so the Dogs were back in the game big time. They had to keep it tight. To concede a goal after they had brought it back to a one goal game would have been undesirable to say the least, but that is exactly what they did 21 seconds later. Can you think of something undesirable? OK suppose you had just paid $4.3m for “My Bed”, Tracey Emin’s famous “work of art” (see below) – someone did (not me) in 2014. Your charlady comes round while you are out, shoves all the clothes, sheets and pillow cases in the laundry basket, empties the ash trays, clears up the bedroom debris, hoovers up and makes the bed. That would be undesirable. The room would be tidy but your investment would be down the pan. I digress – back to the game. Davies and one of the Antonovs put in Long Ciaron Long. I am not sure whether the defending on this occasion was more sinking ship than lead balloon. Suffice it to say, like both of those, it went down, not down to the bottom of the sea nor down to earth, but down the pan. Long Ciaron found himself all alone in front of goal without a Dog to bite him. He feinted (as opposed to fainted) to shoot, but didn’t. For hapless Hadfield it was hopeless. He was helpless as he had committed and couldn’t recover. Long Ciaron slid the puck past him and it was 3-1 Bison.

There were no more P2 goals and we now moved into the final period. On 41:44 Bison surged into a 4-1 lead. General Grant Rounding put in Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov who skated in on goal. I would like to tell you that the Czech assassin whipped an unstoppable wrist shot past Hadfield, but he didn’t. He shot and Hadfield saved. But alas for the hapless netman the puck somehow squeezed through him. I didn’t see exactly how , but it was clearly an Oooo Betty moment for the unfortunate netman. On came the goal light, the siren sounded and it was confirmed as a goal. Had Edvard Munch been present and a Dogs’ fan (or even worse Hadfield’s goalie coach) he would have screamed.

 

 On 44:30 the blood lust of the crowd rose to unprecedented heights as a malodourous dispute of the most disreputable type broke out between Macaulay Heywood and Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer. I did not see what sparked off the unsavoury proceedings as I was too busy watching Karpov charging forward at the other end. However, Heywood must have been the instigator as he got an extra 2 minutes on top of the 2+2 meted out to both once the opprobrious affair terminated. The two pugilists now had time to reflect on their misdeeds and to plan a path towards atonement and redemption as they sat on the naughty step. On the expiration of the penalties they emerged from their boxes doubtless reformed characters wishing to be of service to the community I am sure.

Before the game resumed with Balmer and Heywood now banged up and doing porridge, Bison made a goaltender change. Hiadlovsky was dragged from the net, thankfully not by his hair, and Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans took his place. The appearance of the ever popular Dan “The Beast” was greeted by a celebration amongst the Bison backers, which attained previously unequalled heights of approbation, monumentally mountainous, capaciously colossal and excessively extravagant in nature and thereafter, every block or catch he made was greeted by cheers of such magnitude that the structural stability of Planet Ice was threatened (not difficult).

The game moved towards a conclusion, but it certainly showed no sign of petering out like a damp squib. Indeed no we were to see 3 more goals. On 56 minutes Adrian Palak was called for roughing. The sentence? 5 years in Strangeways? Palak may have strange ways, but he was not sent to Strangeways. He went to the penalty box instead. And it proved costly for the canine visitors as Bison bagged a goal a minute later. The Dogs’ 4 man defence bobbed around like so many croutons floating in a bowl of minestrone and provided just about as little resistance. Aaron “Billy" Connolly slewed a cross ice pass to Roehl who was waiting for it in the slot with raised stick. Crack! The American’s twig smashed down onto the ice and the puck arrowed towards goal. Lumberjack Joe Rand thrust his lumber in the way and in the same instant the puck was deflected or redirected, if you prefer, past a startled Hadfield. 5-1 Bison.

Prior to the goal the visitors’ hopes of winning the game had been hanging by a thread. Now they were positively hanging by the neck with a 4 goal deficit and only 3 minutes remaining. However, there was still life in the old dog yet and they bagged a couple of late P3 goals to bring to the scoreline a respectability which was somewhat flattering. First they scored with a well worked goal. Palak skated in through the Bison D and then squared the puck to Liam Kirk, who hammered home. Bosas with the second assist. Then The Dogs scored again. I have no clue as to how this went in but the scorer was announced as Heywood with Bosas and Kirk as his confederates. 5-3 Bison.

The final buzzer sounded and it was all over now baby blue, as Bob Dylan once sang. Top Bananas were Liam Kirk for the Dogs and who else could it be for Bison – Long Ciaron Long on his 500^th appearance in the EPL.

4 Goal Jarolin Haunts the Phantoms

Bison 6 Peterborough Phantoms 1

7/1/17

Bison and the Phantoms enjoyed a titanic tussle for the title last year. Both teams currently languish some way of the pace set by the table topping Telford Tigers this season, but last night’s encounter prove no less a robust, competitive and exciting engagement than the ones we saw between these two teams last season when everything was at stake. Star of the evening was René Jarolin with a 4 goal haul. Not content with that he bagged 2 assists as well. Why ever he was given his P45 by Milton Keynes Lightning last season remains a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, as Churchill might have suggested.

There seemed to be only one team in the game in the first period. Bison hammered away at the Phantoms with little respite, making the Phantoms look very unscary. The homesters’ dominance was to pay off with a go ahead goal in the 4^th minute. A shot came in. The Phantoms were unable to freeze or clear the puck and it remained in the blue paint in front of goaltender Adam Long’s net. (Don’t confuse Adam Long with Nathan Long or Ciaron Long – they are 3 different people unlike Vanya and Ivan Antonov who are two). Anyway back to the blue paint scramble. Blistering biriyanis! What efforts they all went to to force the puck either into the net or away from the net, depending on which side you were playing for. It was pandemonic and pandemoniacal pandemonium. Eh? OK chaos then. The puck suddenly squirted out from the mêlée in a direction which suggested that it had been ghostly stick doing the propelling. Alas for the Phantoms it went straight to Jarolin, who rifled it straight back and into the net. The goal light would have come on, but wasn’t working. Something malfunctioning in Planet Ice? Surely not? Anyway it mattered not a jot as Referee Pickett had seen it go in and his flat hand pointing netwardsly (that’s not a real word but it should be) confirmed that it was 1-0 Bison. Dangerous Derek Roehl and Aaron “Billy” Connolly were clearly involved in the blue paint scramble as they were awarded assists. 1-0 Bison.

There were no more goals in P1. Bison had played so well it had looked as if the Phantoms hadn’t turned up at all. During 20 minutes of play Bison netman, Tomas Hiadlovsky, had to get in the way of only 3 ghostly shots on target. And he did. P2 turned out to be not much better for the Phantoms than P1 had been and they subsided to a 3-0 deficit before resurrecting their chances by pulling one back before the second buzzer, as I shall relate, dear reader. I jump ahead. Let us return to  the 7^th minute of P2. It was then that Bison increased their lead. The goal followed penalty calls for each team. Bison ended up with just under a minute of power play, but could not find the net. However, they kept up the pressure and 20 seconds after the power play had ended they scored. Jarolin  passed back to Connolly lurking near the point. He wriggled and jiggled and then slewed a cross ice pass to Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer, all alone and without a Phantom friend in the world near him. Chunderous defending really. Imagine you have a tube of Colgate and you drop a 10 ton weight on it. The toothpaste would leave the tube with great velocity. And in such a manner did the puck leave the ice as Balmer’s stick crashed down. It flew with the velocity of an exocet missile into the net. The goaltender would have had more chance of stopping a human cannonball fired at him from point blank range. Fortunately this was not attempted. 2-0 Bison.

Bison’s 3^rd goal came on 30 minutes and it was to prove a masterpiece of quick thinking,  improvisation and deadly finishing. The move involved Connolly, Roehl and the bespectacled René Jarolin. Well I say bespectacled, but I assume he wears contact lenses to play otherwise we would have a Mister Magoo situation on our hands. Roehl lifted the puck high into the air and forward to Jarolin who caught it, dropped it, skated forward and unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past the hapless goaltender Long, for whom it was beginning to prove a long night. 3-0 Bison.

 The Phantoms were not quite dead and buried, however, and in the 32^nd minute they pulled one back with James Archer snapping home Wehebe (strange name) Darge’s pass from behind the goal line. An apple also to Darius Pliskauskas. 3-1 Bison.

3-1 to the bad at the end of P2 was just about as much as the visitors could have hope for, so outplayed and outshot they had been. But with only a 2 goal deficit they were still very much in the game. Alas things started to go downhill for them at the halfway stage of P3. Just before the 50 minute mark Nathan Long was adjudged by Referee Picket to have hooked. What was the sentence to be? 10 years hard labour in the Siberian salts mines? No only 2 minutes in the box. But Long’s long sentence was to be reduced, not for good behaviour, but because Bison were to score on the power play, as it turned out. On 50:04 Long Ciaron Long fired in a long shot on Adam Long, who saved it. Alas for the hapless netman the puck went straight to the deadly assassin known as René Jarolin and he buried it. 4-1 Bison, a hat-trick for Jarolin and a bit of daylight between the teams.

In the 55^th minute scrappy play in mid ice saw Long Ciaron Long take possession of the puck and send Roehl on his way with a lightning break up the left wing. He delivered an across the crease pass and there at the back door was Jarolin. The timing of his arrival would have impressed even Abraham-Louis Breguet. Who? See footnote. He hammered into a wide open net for his 4^th goal of the evening. 5-1 Bison.

On 55 minutes Tom Stubley, as opposed to Uncle Tom Cobley, who is someone completely different, was accused and summarily convicted of tripping. A 2 minute stretch of solitary without even bread and water awaited him. He must have longed for remission so he could get to Widecombe Fair mounted on Tom Pearce’s grey mare (oh no that’s Uncle Tom Cobley) and he got it, but alas it was at the expense of another Bison goal. Jarolin and Long combined to set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov to blast home from in front of the net. 6-1 Bison. When a student I was involved in the construction of a human pyramid in the garden of a pub in Southsea. Alas we failed to appreciate the problems which could arise, not also from the consumption of excessive quantities of alcohol, but also by putting Stu Parsons at 5’5” next to Rich Lock at 6’4” in the bottom row of the pyramid. The ill conceived construction was doomed to come crashing down. And indeed it did. In a similar fashion the Phantoms’ hopes of winning the game crashed to earth with Bison’ 6th goal. Prior to that they had been in with a shout only 4 goals to the bad and with 4 minutes to play, but now their hopes and aspirations were well and truly killed off. They must have been relived when the final buzzer sounded.

All that remained was to award the Top Banana beers. Petr Stepanek, who chose on this occasion not to pick a fight with Tomas Hiadklovsky as he did last time, was adjudged to have been the most scary Phantom. Long, Roehl and Connolly each had 0+3 evenings, but there could be only one recipient of the Bison beers – René Jarolin with 4+2 to his name. The Che Guevara impersonator in Block C expressed the view that Jarolin hadn’t done very much. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt disagreed and I had to step in between the two to prevent an unseemly altercation of the most atrabilious kind.

Footnote : Swiss horologist Abraham-Louis Breguet (1747-1823) is widely regarded by chronology aficionados (I’m not one of those) as the greatest watchmaker who ever lived. His most amazing timepiece was the “Marie Antoinette” which took 44 years to design and build. See below….