Bison Tame the Dogs on Long's Landmark Night

Bison 5 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

14/1/17

A special night for Long Ciaron Long playing in his 500^th EPL game (he’s still only 25) saw a feisty game with thrills, spills, goals, a goaltender assist, a fight and enough excitement to fill the Albert Hall. The short benched visitors from the frozen wastes of the North escaped with a respectable defeat instead of the ignominious flagellation that many were expecting.

The game opened in lively fashion, but it wasn’t until the 13^th minute that Bison took the lead. The Dogs were caught on the hop and with their trousers down, although I doubt whether it’s actually possible to do the former whilst in the latter sate of undress. Never mind. Alas for the Dogs, their defence seemed all at sea, but unlike the owl and the pussy cat they had no beautiful pea green boat. In fact they had no boat, no paddle and no hope. It was 2 on 1 or a 3 on 1 if you count the Antonovs as two people. Vanya Antonov charged forwards with Desperate Dan Davies in support. He fired the puck to the back door where Davies, instead of having a crack himself (not to be confused with smoking crack) fired the puck back to Ivan Antonov who stuffed it past the hapless James Hadfield in the Dogs’ net. 1-0 Bison.

Not long after and just as the clock was about to strike 16 minutes Bison surged further ahead, as I shall relate, dear reader. Before I do I must ask do you recognise this sculpture?

It is, of course, Michaelangelo’s David. Modesty prevents me from showing a picture of the entire work. Had I done so I might have attracted the disapprobation and condemnation of the less liberally minded amongst my readership and even been accused of outraging public decency. My point? Why travel to Italy, art lovers and lady Bison fans (perhaps you fall into both categories), to gaze at David when you can see a comparable work of art at Planet Ice? And that is exactly what Bison’s 2^nd goal was. Bison goaltender Tomas Hiadlovsky fired a long pass to the red line to find Davies on the left wing. He moved forward and put in Antonov, either Ivan or Vanya I am not sure. Whichever one it was he moved forward and then without warning whipped a peach of a wrist shot past Hadfield blocker side before he could react. The move and finish were art personified. Assists to Davies and Hiadlovsky, who now has an extraordinary total of 6 apples for the season. And he very nearly had a 7^th when he fired the puck forward to an all alone Derek Roehl and put him in on goal. Alas Dangerous Derek couldn’t beat Hadfield on this occasion and Hiadlo’s apple count remained at 6. But what the hell that’s still 6 times as many points as the odious, repellent and obnoxious Callum Pattison, who was suspended for the game, can boast this season. In the 143 games of his EPL career the loathsome, detestable and talentless Pattison, a forward, has managed an embarrassingly paltry tally of 2 goals and 7 assists, but a gargantuan 801 penalty minutes. No prizes for guessing why this unpleasant, abominable and inept ne’er-do-well is in the team then, but thankfully not last night. (Statistics from the Elite Prospects web site, adjectives from me).

Bison went into the break with the 2-0 lead. They looked to be cruising, but the Dogs were not dead and buried yet and 5:57 into the 2^nd they scored a DP goal. Set up by Bell and Calvert, Arnoldas Bosas hammered in a long range shot from the slot and it was 2-1 with all to play for. I can confirm that Aronldas Bosas is only one person despite the proliferation of “S”s on the ends of his names – there could be 4 of them.

And so the Dogs were back in the game big time. They had to keep it tight. To concede a goal after they had brought it back to a one goal game would have been undesirable to say the least, but that is exactly what they did 21 seconds later. Can you think of something undesirable? OK suppose you had just paid $4.3m for “My Bed”, Tracey Emin’s famous “work of art” (see below) – someone did (not me) in 2014. Your charlady comes round while you are out, shoves all the clothes, sheets and pillow cases in the laundry basket, empties the ash trays, clears up the bedroom debris, hoovers up and makes the bed. That would be undesirable. The room would be tidy but your investment would be down the pan. I digress – back to the game. Davies and one of the Antonovs put in Long Ciaron Long. I am not sure whether the defending on this occasion was more sinking ship than lead balloon. Suffice it to say, like both of those, it went down, not down to the bottom of the sea nor down to earth, but down the pan. Long Ciaron found himself all alone in front of goal without a Dog to bite him. He feinted (as opposed to fainted) to shoot, but didn’t. For hapless Hadfield it was hopeless. He was helpless as he had committed and couldn’t recover. Long Ciaron slid the puck past him and it was 3-1 Bison.

There were no more P2 goals and we now moved into the final period. On 41:44 Bison surged into a 4-1 lead. General Grant Rounding put in Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov who skated in on goal. I would like to tell you that the Czech assassin whipped an unstoppable wrist shot past Hadfield, but he didn’t. He shot and Hadfield saved. But alas for the hapless netman the puck somehow squeezed through him. I didn’t see exactly how , but it was clearly an Oooo Betty moment for the unfortunate netman. On came the goal light, the siren sounded and it was confirmed as a goal. Had Edvard Munch been present and a Dogs’ fan (or even worse Hadfield’s goalie coach) he would have screamed.

 

 On 44:30 the blood lust of the crowd rose to unprecedented heights as a malodourous dispute of the most disreputable type broke out between Macaulay Heywood and Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer. I did not see what sparked off the unsavoury proceedings as I was too busy watching Karpov charging forward at the other end. However, Heywood must have been the instigator as he got an extra 2 minutes on top of the 2+2 meted out to both once the opprobrious affair terminated. The two pugilists now had time to reflect on their misdeeds and to plan a path towards atonement and redemption as they sat on the naughty step. On the expiration of the penalties they emerged from their boxes doubtless reformed characters wishing to be of service to the community I am sure.

Before the game resumed with Balmer and Heywood now banged up and doing porridge, Bison made a goaltender change. Hiadlovsky was dragged from the net, thankfully not by his hair, and Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans took his place. The appearance of the ever popular Dan “The Beast” was greeted by a celebration amongst the Bison backers, which attained previously unequalled heights of approbation, monumentally mountainous, capaciously colossal and excessively extravagant in nature and thereafter, every block or catch he made was greeted by cheers of such magnitude that the structural stability of Planet Ice was threatened (not difficult).

The game moved towards a conclusion, but it certainly showed no sign of petering out like a damp squib. Indeed no we were to see 3 more goals. On 56 minutes Adrian Palak was called for roughing. The sentence? 5 years in Strangeways? Palak may have strange ways, but he was not sent to Strangeways. He went to the penalty box instead. And it proved costly for the canine visitors as Bison bagged a goal a minute later. The Dogs’ 4 man defence bobbed around like so many croutons floating in a bowl of minestrone and provided just about as little resistance. Aaron “Billy" Connolly slewed a cross ice pass to Roehl who was waiting for it in the slot with raised stick. Crack! The American’s twig smashed down onto the ice and the puck arrowed towards goal. Lumberjack Joe Rand thrust his lumber in the way and in the same instant the puck was deflected or redirected, if you prefer, past a startled Hadfield. 5-1 Bison.

Prior to the goal the visitors’ hopes of winning the game had been hanging by a thread. Now they were positively hanging by the neck with a 4 goal deficit and only 3 minutes remaining. However, there was still life in the old dog yet and they bagged a couple of late P3 goals to bring to the scoreline a respectability which was somewhat flattering. First they scored with a well worked goal. Palak skated in through the Bison D and then squared the puck to Liam Kirk, who hammered home. Bosas with the second assist. Then The Dogs scored again. I have no clue as to how this went in but the scorer was announced as Heywood with Bosas and Kirk as his confederates. 5-3 Bison.

The final buzzer sounded and it was all over now baby blue, as Bob Dylan once sang. Top Bananas were Liam Kirk for the Dogs and who else could it be for Bison – Long Ciaron Long on his 500^th appearance in the EPL.