Tenacious Telford Tigers Triumph in Titillating Title Trophy Tilt

Bison 2 Telford Tigers 4

4/2/17

I am supposed to be a neutral unbiased objective sports reporter, notwithstanding that many would regard me more as a writer of preposterous balderdash and a purveyor of bizarre facts and other useless information which have absolutely nothing to do with hockey. However, as you know, dear reader, I am far form unbiased. George Formby sang about his “Little stick of Blackpool rock”, which, although it is not specifically mentioned in the song, has Blackpool written all the way through it. Well if you cut off my head (please don’t) you might find Bison written all the way through me. And so it was with heavy heart that I watched our team being outplayed, outclassed, outshot and outmuscled (the only out I didn’t see was of the closet variety) so comprehensively in P3 that a 2-1 lead disintegrated into a 2-4 defeat of the most depressing and ignominious kind. So I wasn’t going to write a report about the game. However, I was threatened by the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A that, unless I did, there would be dire consequences. He challenged me to write a report incorporating analogies so revolting that it would put him off his Sunday morning full English. I am not one to shirk a challenge ……..

The Telford Tigers journeyed to the sunny South with hopes of hammering another nail into the coffin of the Milton Keynes Lightning’s title hopes and this they did with an astonishing P3 performance which saw them outshoot their hosts by 20-3 and come from 2-1 behind to secure a 4-2 victory. There are those who would accuse them of playing with a roster they can’t afford, as the reduced contracts their players may be on now would not have attracted them to the club in the first place, but the fact is they are top of the table and have that strong roster and all within EPL rules, so why bother arguing about it? On to the game then.

P1 opened in robust style, although the play was a little scrappy with many passes going astray. However, it was very clear it was going to be a tough competitive game. On 3:38 Adam Long had his collar felt for holding (more than just his stick) and down the steps he went for an incarceration which should have lasted 2 minutes. However, he was out much sooner as on 4:19 with Jones having had barely enough time to warm the penalty box seat Bison scored. Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov set up Long Ciaron Long for a lobbed shot from distance. Jon Baston in the Tigers’ net would have saved it with ease, but, from the netman’s perspective, the action of Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly was as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of a Mongolian tram driver’s gauntlet. Billy thrust his stick into the path of the puck and it deflected (redirected if you prefer) into the net. 1-0 Bison.

There were no more goals in the 1^st and so Bison went in with their 1-0 lead. It wasn’t long after the resumption of hostilities before it was 2-0. Long Ciaron robbed the puck from a dithering dilatory D-man (I am not sure who that was otherwise I could name and shame him). Long was in with Dan Davies waiting at the back door and no Tigers to maul them. For Baston the situation was as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of a trumpet blown by a TB patient on 40 fags a day. Long chose the riskier option of going it alone rather than drawing Baston and passing to Davies who would surely have had an empty net to fire into. It mattered not a jot as Long, possibly with a point to prove to his ex-teammate, scored with a shot over Baston’s shoulder. 2-0 Bison and all looking good. What could possibly go wrong?

3 minutes later a sonorous blast was heard. Referee Boardman pointed at Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird and summarily convicted him of boarding. Off to the glasshouse went Baird. Shortly after the Tigers thought they had scored. The puck entered the net and on went the goal light. However, Mr. Boardman’s hand remained unpointing towards the net. In fact he threw wide his arms as if to say “I caught a fish and it was this big”. No goal. Why not? Net off maybe. The Tigers’ disappointment was short lived as on 28:55 out came Mr. Boardman’s flat pointy hand. Sam Zajac, set up by Sam Oakford, his former Bison teammate, fired a shot goalwards and there was Rick Plant thrusting his twig and deflecting the biscuit past Hiadlovsky. 2-1 Bison and the Tigers very much back in the game, a situation which was as undesirable for Bison as the scrapings from the chopping block of a fish gutter before its weekly wash down.

Never mind they retained their lead as the end of 2^nd buzzer sounded. Before the combatants had left the ice Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer and Sam Zajac let their contrasting views be known to each other. I can throw no light upon what those views might have been, but they appeared as far away from a consensus as would have been Pol Pot and Mother Theresa of Calcutta discussing human rights. Eventually they agreed to differ and they left the ice without a blow exchanged, leaving the blood lust of the Bison crowd to dissipate in disappointment.

It had been a robust even game so far with 19 shots on goal apiece. We were set for what we thought would be a tense and evenly contested final period. However, what we were to witness was as undesirable as the scrapings from the swab dish of a Peruvian boil burster from a Bison perspective as the home team were completely overrun like a 7 stone weakling trying to stop a Saturn V transporter, as I shall relate, dear reader, albeit with heavy heart.

Enter Jason Silverthorn, who was to slam a hatrick. The Tigers wasted no time in their quest to draw level. On 43:32 the Tigers’ skipper received the puck from Milan Kolena, moved inside to a central position and whipped in a low wrist shot. 2-2. Zajac with the second assist.

On 50:10 Bison had a great opportunity to resnatch the lead. A quick break saw Long pass inside to Connolly, but the skipper’s shot was saved by Baston. Billy must have followed through with a slash as he was called for that very offence and into the box he went. So an opportunity to go 3-2 ahead went unfulfilled. The Tigers, on the other hand, took full advantage of their power play opportunity. Doug Clarkson supplied a pass to Silverthorn who skated in on goal and flicked the puck over Hiadlovsky’s shoulder. 3-2 Tigers.

Being outplayed and now behind in the game was as undesirable for Bison as the scrapings from the toe nails a grape treader who had just completed a cross country marathon and gone straight to work. It wasn’t looking promising. However, on 51:35 the Tigers’ Matthew Davies fell foul of the law and was thrown in the can. He took a trip to the box for a trip. Could Bison do what the Tigers had been doing so effectively i.e. score in the 5 on 4? Alas no and, even worse, a minute after their ineffectual power play ended they found themselves on the receiving end of the long arm of the law. But I jump ahead.

In every game calls are missed by the referee. They can’t see everything, even those who have been to Specsavers. However, they should be able to see more than Ray Charles and one wonders whether even he would have missed Desperate Dan Davies having his stick slashed out of his hands so obvious was it to all at Planet Ice. Alas no call was made and, as a result, the crowd became ugly. Before Desperate Dan’s stick had hit the ice (I might be exaggerating there) the Howling Man, the Bespectacled Youth, the Man with 3 Ear-rings and the Crinkly Haired Lady let their contrary opinions be known. Not contrary to each other’s of course, but contrary to the referee’s. They were united in their condemnation and their objections were delivered in typical fashion – in the Howling Man’s case incomprehensibly. The latter looked set to burst a blood vessel. He didn’t, I am pleased to report.

The game moved on and it became increasingly important for Bison had to stay out of the box. The Tigers had a 2 for 2 record on powerplays so far in the game and it would have been as undesirable as scrapings from the inside of a medieval philanderer’s codpiece to give them another opportunity. But alas this is exactly what happened on 50:10. Dangerous Derek Roehl had his collar felt for tripping. Needless to say the Tigers scored again. Silverthorn from Davies from Weaver. How did it go in? Don’t know and don’t care. 4-2 Tigers.

That was it. No more scoring and, as the final buzzer called the proceedings to an end you have to say the better team had won and now look odds on for the EPL title. Matty Davies and Long Ciaron Long were declared Top Bananas.