Lazarus Style Bison Power Past Wilting Cats

Bison 4 Swindon Wildcats 2

19/3/17

No dead rubber was this. An astonishing 6-5 overtime win in Swindon on Saturday night hauled Bison in 3^rd place in the EPL. A win against the same feline opponents on home ice would secure that placing and give Bison a potentially easier play off group, avoiding the Telford Tigers and the Guildford Flames, both of whom Bison have struggled to get the better of this season. The homesters cracked it, but no cake walk was this and it was only in the second half of the game (OK I know hockey is a game of 3 periods, but this truly was a game of 2 halves) that they finally managed to rattle in the goals to secure the win, as I shall relate, dear reader.

P1 opened and it was not long before the scoreboard clicked from Visitors 0 to Visitors 1. Bison 0 stayed on Bison 0. On 5:49 Stephen Whitfield set up Robin Kovar for a shot. Tomas Hiadovsky saved with his pad but the puck went straight to Maxim Birbraer, who drove it in without further ado. 1-0 Cats.

The Cats went further ahead on 10:38, thanks to a calamitous and indeed chunderous error by the hapless Hiadlovsky. Harvesting the puck behind his net, he shot the puck out, but it went straight to Birbraer, who rifled it into the empty net. Since time immemorial bluesmen have been singing the line “Going down to the station, catch the fastest train I see”. Such was the embarrassment of Hiadlo for perpetrating such a ghastly error that was exactly what he might have wanted to do in order to convey himself away from the scene of his ignominy. 2-0 Cats and an uphill struggle for Bison. The doubters, the deprecators, the depressed, the disconsolate, the disillusioned and the downright deranged (some may have qualified on all six counts) began to sink slowly into their oozing, slimy quagmire of pessimism. Surely it was curtains for Bison.

There were no more goals in the period and away went the Bison players to the locker room to what may have been a roasting from Coach Sheppard. They needed to step up a gear and fire in more quality shots. But, as the second period wore on (I forgot to mention that it had started), the Cats were proving an awesome obstacle. Bison attempts to crack their concerted concrete curtain were being counteracted, circumvented, conquered and cancelled out. More than half the game had gone and still Bison could not find a way past Stonewall Stevie Lyle. But all that was about to change.

In the 36^th minute the puck became trapped on the boards behind the Cats’ goal, not once but twice. Eventually Lumberjack Joe Rand managed to grind it out and feed René Jarolin, who snapped a pass to the top of the crease. And there in front of goal all on his tod (on his what? See footnote) was Aaron “Billy” Connolly, who thwacked the puck past a startled Stevie Lyle. According to Little Richard (that’s him below) “from the early, early mornin' till the early, early night you can see Miss Molly rockin' at the house of blue light.” When Connolly’s shot hit the net we saw a light. It wasn’t blue, however, it was red – the goal light. Good Golly! 2-1.

 Bison tails were up. A goal at last and surely more were to follow. Yes they were. On 44:32 Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov glided around the back of the net and emerged at the back door with no-one guarding it. His attempt to slip the puck past Lyle failed, but the hapless netman could merely block but not freeze or clear the puck and there was Rand lurking in front of the net. He forced the puck over the line. 2-2. 

Rand’s dirty goal, the latest in a long line of many similar he has scored, was a hooray-hotdog-hallelujah moment for Bison. From 0-2 to 2-2 and the initiative in the game seized back, could they go on from here to take the victory which would guarantee them 3^rd place in the league? They could, bagging a third goal 4 minutes later. In 1995 Tracey Emin created a “work of art” entitled “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With 1963–1995”. It was a tent with 102 names sewn to the inside. Charles Saatchi paid £40,000 for it. It was destroyed by fire in 2004. Hurrah! Bison’s go ahead goal was a work of art infinitely better than Emin’s wretched tent. However, I jumped ahead. Let us return to the 47^th minute. Oliver Stone slashed and, although Referee Szuchs may have wanted to turn him to stone as punishment, he couldn’t, so he sent him “up the river”, not to a place they call Sing Sing, but instead to the penalty box. A minute into the resultant power play saw Karpov surging over the blue line and passing inside to Desperate Dan Davies. Instead of shooting, as Lyle was expecting, Davies fired a pass in a westerly direction to long Ciaron Long, who hammered a shot into the wide open net past a stranded Lyle. It was a wonderfully executed move, the artistry of which might have impressed even Tracey Emin. 3-2 Bison.

The game ground onwards towards the desired outcome for Bison, but there were not over the line yet. The Cats were becoming as desperate as a heroin addict in need of a fix. They needed to find their goal scoring touch once more, but were finding a Berlin wall-esque Bison giving nothing away and they hadn’t scored for 46 minutes of playing time. Time to throw caution windward as opposed to the towel in. Within just under 2 minutes left the Cats called a time out. Lyle was pulled from the net and on came 6 skaters for the restart. The visitors had to keep it tight. To lose possession of the puck would have been as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler using his priceless antique diamond and pearl encrusted tie pin to spear slugs in the cabbage patch. Alas for the visitors exactly that happened. That is they lost the puck. The latter scenario may also have occurred, but only the Rabble Rouser can tell us. Within seconds the Cats had lost possession to Long, who passed to Dangerous Derek Roehl on the left wing. He had no clear sight of goal, but moved forward, as the Cats D desperately backpedalled. Big D picked his spot and drove the puck into the net formerly but no longer occupied by Lyle. The crowd bubbled over like an overheated saucepan of goat vindaloo. Don’t they just love an empty netter? 4-2 Bison.

Lyle returned and the game was played out. The final buzzer sounded and that was it. The fat lady was shattering crystal glasses with her high pitched notes. She could have achieved the same outcome by merely sitting on them. Lyle at least had the consolation of being named the Cats’ Top Banana. The Bison award went to Karpov. Regular season over. Bring on the play offs.

Footnote : the expression on your tod is cockney rhyming slang. On your Tod Sloan - on your own. In 1897 Lord William Beresford, who won the Victoria Cross during the Zulu war of 1879, brought over an American jockey called Tod Sloan (that's him below) to race for his stable. Sloan was responsible for the short stirrup style of riding being adopted in this country.

Rand Double Douses the Flames on Night of Opprobrious Violence

Bison 4 Guildford Flames 2

4/3/17

A cracking competitive encounter punctuated by unmentionable, uncontainable, uncontrollable and indeed uncondonable violence of the most virulent variety marked what could well be the last competitive game between old rivals the Bison and the Flames. With the Flames rising to the lofty heights of the Elite League next season, albeit not quite in a “cream rising to the top” manner, 8 years of robust EPL rivalry came to an end last night. There was something for everyone here – the purist, the admirer of fine skating and movement and, of course, the blood lust brigade. If this was indeed the last competitive Bison v Flames game, what better way to finish that rivalry. 

P1 opened and Bison surged into the lead on 4:33 with an unassisted goal from Lumberjack Joe Rand. It was the equivalent of a card trick, but in this case achieved with skate and stick. Blocking a pass out of defence on the blue line, Rand muscled his way through the Flames’ defense as easily as Mike Tyson would push through a crowd of 7 stone weaklings. In doing so he moved away from the boards to a position in front of the crease, bamboozled Dean Skinns in the Flames’ net and backhanded across the line. A superb unassisted goal created and scored on the back of “never say die” determination. 1-0 Bison. 

There were no more goals in a very even period, but we had a taste of pugilistic things to come when there was a bundle behind the net, the result of which was Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds and Tuomas Santavuori having 2 minutes roughing penalties slapped on them. 

And so we passed into P2, which proved highly eventful, but not as eventful as the occurrences at the end of P3. But I jump ahead, dear reader, so let us return to P2. It wasn’t long before the Flames found themselves on level terms with a short handed goal, gift wrapped, tired with a ribbon and with a cherry on top. With Kari Sihvonen in the bag for cross checking, Tomas Hiadlovsky came out of his goal to harvest a wayward puck in the corner. He then attempted one of his characteristic long passes out of defence, but, much to his very grave chagrin, the puck went straight to Michal Satek. By the time the Slovak had got the puck properly under control a D-man was back to cover the empty net. Had that D-man been as voluminous as Fatty Foulke, former Chelsea and England goalkeeper (a serious professional athlete of his time - see below) he could have blocked the goal completely. But he wasn’t and Satek was able to pick his spot and rifle the puck home. Hiadlo must have been as embarrassed as a man whose his hair piece is sucked up into a vacuum cleaner in front of his girlfriend. 1-1.

Things were on the up for the combustible visitors and they were soon to take the lead. With Dangerous Derek Roehl and Marek Maslonka already banged up, Joe Rand joined them in the slammer for high sticks on 26:53. In the ensuing 4 on 3 Jens Eriksen finished a round and round the garden move with a wrist shot past Hiadlovsky. Tuomas Santavouri and Danny Meyers, as opposed to Dan Meyer (who? See footnote) bagged assists for the goal 1-2 Flames.

But the Flames couldn’t hang on and 5 minutes later it was all square once more. Set up by Towalski, who sounds like a Russian but isn’t, and Reynolds, who doesn’t and also isn’t, Aaron “Billy” Connolly caught the puck and then appeared to skate several strides forward before throwing the puck out in front of him. It didn’t seem within the rules, but on this occasion the Bison backers were glad that Referee Cloutman seemed to be as visually impaired as Ray Charles. It was a 2 on 1 with René Jarolin in support. Had William Shakespeare been writing a match report he might have said of Connolly, “the much admir’d fellow didst speedeth artfully onward and f’rward towards the netmind'r with det'rmination to breach his def’nces”. And breach Deano’s def’nses he did, whipping a vicious wrist shot high past the hapless goaltender glove side. 2-2.

Bison tails were up and it didn’t take long for them to resnatch the lead. On 33:06 Marek Maslonka had his collar felt for cross checking. During the ensuing power play Jarolin ground the puck out from the boards, but it went straight to Kevin Phillips. Now was the time for the Flames to gift Bison a goal. Phillips, who must have had a sudden moment of hiatus in the area of his brain which deals with hand/eye co-ordination, passed straight to Desperate Dan Davies in front of goal. He outdeked Skinns and slid the puck home 5-hole. A red light came on behind the goal either. Who had illuminated it? Was it the goal judge or a lady of ill repute looking for business. The referee clearly realised it was the former as he signalled a goal rather than ask “how much?” 3-2 Bison.

And so ended the period, but not before some afters involving Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer and Andy McKinney. The two came together in a confrontational manner rather similar to the central figures in Lowry’s 1935 painting “A Fight” :

However I didn’t see McKinney trying to pull Balmer’s helmet down over his ears. Neither did I see any matchstalk dogs on the ice.

P3 opened and we saw a highly competitive period with the Flames pressing forward for a levelling score. On one occasion Phillips, having overcome his aforementioned hiatus, rang the pipes and then Santavuori, himself suffering a similar hiatus, inexplicably missed an empty net back door chance. The game moved into its final phase. It was going to be a nerve wracking final 2 or 3 minutes for the Bison backers. Or so we thought. Then the Flames blew everything. Maslonka tripped Roehl, the latter didn’t like it and decided to make his views known to the former, a few punches were thrown before the two were separated. Suddenly over the wall came Jez Lundin and expressed his disapproval of Roehl in a physical manner.  It was 2 roughing for Roehl, 2 tripping and 2 roughing for Maslonka and a 2 + 2 + game for Lundin for leaving the bench. With all those penalties it should have ended up with a Bison 5 on 3, but, as his name suggests, Mr Cloutman is the “man with the clout”, and he deemed a 5 on 4 restart appropriate. It mattered not a jot as Bison bagged the game clinching goal power play a minute later. Long Ciaron Long set up Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov for a shot from the slot. As the shot came in Rand thrust his lumber into the path of the biscuit and redirected the rubber disc past Deano for 4-2 Bison. "I believe in miracles." So sang the late Errol Brown of Hot Chocolate. Had he been at Planet Ice last night he would have recognised it was going to take a miracle for the Flames to come back from this. They didn’t.

The entertainment was far from over, not that I would condone violence of course. Within seconds of the restart General Grant Rounding was flattened and left a prostrate and forlorn figure in front of the net. This led to a most opprobrious outbreak of violence of the most virulent variety. 10 players crowded into an angry scrum behind the Bison goal. Players postured, jostled, pushed, shoved, mouthed off and waved handbags until then it all broke loose with Balmer taking on Phillips, who then resisted the officials trying to break them apart. It cooled down, but not for long. Suddenly Balmer was fighting Sivhonen as Dan “The Specs” Lackey took on Sam Godfrey. In the meantime Dean Skinns, feeling rather lonely at the other end, skated forward over the red line to engage in a friendly conversation with his opposite number, Hiadlovsky. No I’m not being sarcastic – that’s exactly what happened. However, for crossing the red line Deano should have been chucked out of the game, but Referee Cloutman either let him off or was back in Ray Charles mode and Deano escaped censure.  Then it all died down, the blood lust of the crowd satisfied. 12 PIMs for Bison and 32 to the Flames including a game misconduct for Phillips.

10 seconds of play later and it was all over. David Savage and Lumberjack Joe Rand were appointed Top Bananas for their respective teams. And what about the Flames? They will be going up into the Elite League for 2017-8. Alas with an unconvincing mid table season and on last night’s performance they will need more or less an entirely new roster and there will be an large number of ex Flames and indeed ex Milton Keynes Lightning British players waving P45s and looking for jobs with one of only 7 of the current EPL teams remaining. We may admire the Flames’ ambition, but we should feel sorry for the players who will not be good enough to play at the higher level.

Footnote : Dan Meyer, not Danny Meyers, is a world champion sword swallower. He holds 39 world records and once swallowed a solid steel 30” sword while submerged 15 feet underwater in an 85,000 gallons tank filled with live sharks and stingrays at Ripley's Aquarium in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. He is clearly not the man who assisted in the Flames’ second goal.