Lazarus Style Bison Power Past Wilting Cats

Bison 4 Swindon Wildcats 2

19/3/17

No dead rubber was this. An astonishing 6-5 overtime win in Swindon on Saturday night hauled Bison in 3^rd place in the EPL. A win against the same feline opponents on home ice would secure that placing and give Bison a potentially easier play off group, avoiding the Telford Tigers and the Guildford Flames, both of whom Bison have struggled to get the better of this season. The homesters cracked it, but no cake walk was this and it was only in the second half of the game (OK I know hockey is a game of 3 periods, but this truly was a game of 2 halves) that they finally managed to rattle in the goals to secure the win, as I shall relate, dear reader.

P1 opened and it was not long before the scoreboard clicked from Visitors 0 to Visitors 1. Bison 0 stayed on Bison 0. On 5:49 Stephen Whitfield set up Robin Kovar for a shot. Tomas Hiadovsky saved with his pad but the puck went straight to Maxim Birbraer, who drove it in without further ado. 1-0 Cats.

The Cats went further ahead on 10:38, thanks to a calamitous and indeed chunderous error by the hapless Hiadlovsky. Harvesting the puck behind his net, he shot the puck out, but it went straight to Birbraer, who rifled it into the empty net. Since time immemorial bluesmen have been singing the line “Going down to the station, catch the fastest train I see”. Such was the embarrassment of Hiadlo for perpetrating such a ghastly error that was exactly what he might have wanted to do in order to convey himself away from the scene of his ignominy. 2-0 Cats and an uphill struggle for Bison. The doubters, the deprecators, the depressed, the disconsolate, the disillusioned and the downright deranged (some may have qualified on all six counts) began to sink slowly into their oozing, slimy quagmire of pessimism. Surely it was curtains for Bison.

There were no more goals in the period and away went the Bison players to the locker room to what may have been a roasting from Coach Sheppard. They needed to step up a gear and fire in more quality shots. But, as the second period wore on (I forgot to mention that it had started), the Cats were proving an awesome obstacle. Bison attempts to crack their concerted concrete curtain were being counteracted, circumvented, conquered and cancelled out. More than half the game had gone and still Bison could not find a way past Stonewall Stevie Lyle. But all that was about to change.

In the 36^th minute the puck became trapped on the boards behind the Cats’ goal, not once but twice. Eventually Lumberjack Joe Rand managed to grind it out and feed René Jarolin, who snapped a pass to the top of the crease. And there in front of goal all on his tod (on his what? See footnote) was Aaron “Billy” Connolly, who thwacked the puck past a startled Stevie Lyle. According to Little Richard (that’s him below) “from the early, early mornin' till the early, early night you can see Miss Molly rockin' at the house of blue light.” When Connolly’s shot hit the net we saw a light. It wasn’t blue, however, it was red – the goal light. Good Golly! 2-1.

 Bison tails were up. A goal at last and surely more were to follow. Yes they were. On 44:32 Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov glided around the back of the net and emerged at the back door with no-one guarding it. His attempt to slip the puck past Lyle failed, but the hapless netman could merely block but not freeze or clear the puck and there was Rand lurking in front of the net. He forced the puck over the line. 2-2. 

Rand’s dirty goal, the latest in a long line of many similar he has scored, was a hooray-hotdog-hallelujah moment for Bison. From 0-2 to 2-2 and the initiative in the game seized back, could they go on from here to take the victory which would guarantee them 3^rd place in the league? They could, bagging a third goal 4 minutes later. In 1995 Tracey Emin created a “work of art” entitled “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With 1963–1995”. It was a tent with 102 names sewn to the inside. Charles Saatchi paid £40,000 for it. It was destroyed by fire in 2004. Hurrah! Bison’s go ahead goal was a work of art infinitely better than Emin’s wretched tent. However, I jumped ahead. Let us return to the 47^th minute. Oliver Stone slashed and, although Referee Szuchs may have wanted to turn him to stone as punishment, he couldn’t, so he sent him “up the river”, not to a place they call Sing Sing, but instead to the penalty box. A minute into the resultant power play saw Karpov surging over the blue line and passing inside to Desperate Dan Davies. Instead of shooting, as Lyle was expecting, Davies fired a pass in a westerly direction to long Ciaron Long, who hammered a shot into the wide open net past a stranded Lyle. It was a wonderfully executed move, the artistry of which might have impressed even Tracey Emin. 3-2 Bison.

The game ground onwards towards the desired outcome for Bison, but there were not over the line yet. The Cats were becoming as desperate as a heroin addict in need of a fix. They needed to find their goal scoring touch once more, but were finding a Berlin wall-esque Bison giving nothing away and they hadn’t scored for 46 minutes of playing time. Time to throw caution windward as opposed to the towel in. Within just under 2 minutes left the Cats called a time out. Lyle was pulled from the net and on came 6 skaters for the restart. The visitors had to keep it tight. To lose possession of the puck would have been as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler using his priceless antique diamond and pearl encrusted tie pin to spear slugs in the cabbage patch. Alas for the visitors exactly that happened. That is they lost the puck. The latter scenario may also have occurred, but only the Rabble Rouser can tell us. Within seconds the Cats had lost possession to Long, who passed to Dangerous Derek Roehl on the left wing. He had no clear sight of goal, but moved forward, as the Cats D desperately backpedalled. Big D picked his spot and drove the puck into the net formerly but no longer occupied by Lyle. The crowd bubbled over like an overheated saucepan of goat vindaloo. Don’t they just love an empty netter? 4-2 Bison.

Lyle returned and the game was played out. The final buzzer sounded and that was it. The fat lady was shattering crystal glasses with her high pitched notes. She could have achieved the same outcome by merely sitting on them. Lyle at least had the consolation of being named the Cats’ Top Banana. The Bison award went to Karpov. Regular season over. Bring on the play offs.

Footnote : the expression on your tod is cockney rhyming slang. On your Tod Sloan - on your own. In 1897 Lord William Beresford, who won the Victoria Cross during the Zulu war of 1879, brought over an American jockey called Tod Sloan (that's him below) to race for his stable. Sloan was responsible for the short stirrup style of riding being adopted in this country.