Swashbuckling Pirates Prevent a Bison Boarding

Bison 4 Hull Pirates 3

Autumn Cup semi-final 1^st leg

26/1/18

Planet Ice saw the first leg of the semi-final of the Autumn Cup, played in the Winter and with the final in the Spring. Confused? I am. At least there’s no Summer involved. Avast there you landlubbers. The buccaneering visitors were the Hull Pirates for their first game on the crumbling ice of Basingstoke for nearly a year. Their visits last year ended in a trio of Ooo Betty defeats by 3-1, 6-1 and 7-1. However, now playing in a league, which has been rather harshly described as a “tinpot league” and, worse still a “beer league” (what an insult), the privateers from Kingston Upon Hull are a relatively stronger team and last night, despite being outplayed and outshot by Bison for the whole game, they came away with a very creditable single goal deficit and all to play for in the second leg. They taught Bison a lesson – put your shots away.

It was the piratical visitors who snatched the lead in the game. Our favourite lino, the corpulent Justin Lalonde, seems to be currently obsessed with throwing players out of face offs. At a fifth minute face off he chucked 2 Bison players out and was immediately besieged by Pirates holding up two fingers, victory side showing of course. A face off violation minor was called and onto the power play went the Pirates. And they made it count. Bobby Chamberlain (as opposed to Neville Chamberlain, who is/was someone completely different) lurked menacingly at the top of the crease. Jason Hewitt, a man with a luxuriant beard but no hair, fired in a pass towards the net and there was Chamberlain to poke the puck in 5-hole. His lurking had paid off. 1-0 Pirates. Second assist to Matty Davies.

Bison were level on 12:02. It was an even handed goal set up by Roman Malinik and Aaron “Billy” Connolly. The puck arrived in front of Desperate Dan Scott just inside the blue line. If he had done his homework Hull netman Adam Long must have been aware of Scott’s capability of scoring with thunderous clappers. He may have thought “I don’t want to be here”. But the matter was neither here nor there, as here, or rather there, was where he was, albeit that he might just as well have been not here nor the heretofore mentioned there nor, in fact, anywhere because he couldn’t prevent the puck from crossing the line as it raced across the floor and in. 1-1.

On 17:48 it was 2-1. The goal was preceded by a passage of play where neither side could keep the puck, punctuated with a series of miscontrols and giveaways. The Bespectacled Youth said, “that must be the worst 20 seconds of hockey we have seen this season.” And indeed it was – real beer league stuff, dare I say. But suddenly in the blink of an eye the play went from beer league to NHL as Hallam Wilson took a pass from Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, moved forward, drew the defense and found Tomas Karpov all alone in front of the net. The piratical D had offered as little resistance as the ugliest girl in the Golden Nugget saloon in Tombstone circa 1881. Karpov snapped it home and it was 2-1 Bison.

Into the last minute of the period we passed and Bison missed then took a chance to go 3-1 ahead. First Connolly from a pass by Malinik hammered the puck against the post, an occurrence which gave rise to two distinctive sounds, namely a sonorous clunk followed by an Oooo from the crowd. Then seconds later Roman Malinik from a pass from Stuart “The Cat” Mogg set up Connolly once again and this time he whipped a wrist shot past a despairing Long. The puck flew past the hapless goaltender like a jet of toothpaste ejected from a tube at high speed and hit the net with a sound akin to a Steradent tablet plopping into a glass of water ready for your dentures. 3-1 Bison.

So into P2 we passed and things were looking good for the homesters. But all was to go horribly wrong as fate vomited on the Bison eiderdown. Although the home team dominated the period, which ended with a shot count of 16-3 in their favour, it was the guests who scored the only goal of the period.

Early in the period Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird tripped and took a trip to the institute of penal reform which is the penalty box. On 22:24 Bison thought they has bagged a shortie as Desperate Dan Scott, fed by Desperate Dan Davies forced the puck through netminder Long and over the line. As the puck disappeared from the view of Referee Matthews, he blew his whistle. His enthusiasm for stopping the play proved a trifle premature as the puck re-emerged from the personage of Long, who had failed to be in control of the puck, the situation and his faculties all at once. Over the line it went. Some even said that the hand of Mr. Matthews became flat and pointy in a netwards direction, but I didn’t see that. The officials huddled together for a convoluted confusing confabulation clearly cluttered with contradiction and conflicting conjecture. A decision was made. The “goal” was assassinated by the officials. It would have been expunged from the records as if it had never had been scored, which it actually had, but officially hadn’t, had it had ever been recorded in the first place, which it hadn’t, so it wasn’t. (Did you understand that last sentence? I’m not sure I did). Bad luck for Bison.

Worse still for the Basingstoke icemen was the concession of an out of the blue Pirates goal on 35:31. Jamie Chilcott passed out in front of the net where Chamberlain was steaming in and catching the Bison D out to lunch, out and about and out of contention. Chamberlain snapped the puck home. 3-2 Bison. Second assist to the bald but bearded Jason Hewitt.

Things started to go Bison’s way at the beginning of the 3^rd. On 43:41. Elliot Dewey miscontrolled the puck in the neutral zone, nearly lost it but didn’t, recovered and sent Malinik on his way. The Czech chap muscled his way through the Pirates’ defense as easily as Hulk Hogan would push through a crowd of 7 stone weaklings. As Malinik emerged free of defensive encumbrance netman Long must have wished that he could be transported to a parallel universe where he plays behind a proper defense, but he couldn’t and wasn’t. Indeed no. He remained in this universe and had no option but to face his doom, which was about to be sealed by the Czech chap, who rifled a shot past him low blocker side. 4-2 Bison. Assists to Dewey and Reynolds.

Bison looked capable of going on from here and building up a sizable lead to take to the frozen wastes of the North for the return leg. But that’s not what happened. The period played out with no more Ooo Matron moments for Bison, but alas an Ooo Betty one, allowing the Pirates to reduce the deficit to a solitary goal once more. With Baird going down the steps for a trip the Bairdless Bison botched baffling the belligerent buccaneers from blisteringly bagging a bonus. Eh? On 47:15 slick round and round passing gave Hewitt a chance at the back door. The follically challenged but facially hirsute chap smashed a blistering biriyanis shot into a yawningly open, Grand Canyon sized Bison net with Skinns out of position and yielding a gap between him and the goal frame far wider than the gap between Terry Thomas’s front teeth. 4-3.

The period played out with neither side able to find the net further and the game, which had proved a far more entertaining and competitive encounter than you are ever likely to find in a beer league finished with the clock on 0:00. Top bananas were elected - Davies for the Pirates and Scott for Bison. All to play for in the concluding game of the semi-final to be played on Wednesday week. Be there or be square.