Basingstoke Bison match reports: Dogs Lack Bark and Bite

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 2

15/9/18

I have always thought that the Steeldogs is a naff name for a team from Sheffield. I mean steel yes – city of steel after all. But dogs? There is no connection between steel and dogs except for Doctor Who’s rover K9 (thank you for pointing that out Man with 3 Ear-rings), although I think he was made of aluminium. Had they sought my advice when branding in 2010, I would have suggested a much more steel relevant name, such as the Sheffield RSJs. Or maybe the Sheffield Bessemer Converters – a nice ring to that one. Or maybe, to honour the predominant industry of the city the Sheffield Cutlery. Or, reflecting their sponsorship partners the Bradfield Brewery, the Sheffield Binge Drinkers. But no my opinion was not sought. So they ended up with a naff name. And on the strength of last night’s performance in this Autumn Cup season opener they have a naff team as well.

The scoreline might suggest it was all wine and roses for Bison, but it wasn’t. Indeed no. The opening 7:45 proved to be nothing short of cataclysmic disaster for the homesters – perhaps not of earthquake, typhoon or volcano eruption magnitude, but it was definitely high on the Ooo Betty scale. It involved the concession of a power play goal and then a short handed goal to plunge the homesters into a 2-0 deficit and send their loyal fans spiralling downwards into a cesspool of defeatism as they reached for the Prozac in an attempt to overcome their feelings of anxiety and hopelessness.

The first canine goal came on 3:08. 30 seconds earlier Tom Ralph, not to be confused with Tom Relph, who is someone completely different and who was playing for the Dogs, was adjudged to have interfered, although with whom I did not see. My failure to identify the victim, however, matters not a jot. All we need to know is that Referee Evans put his pealess Fox 40 Classic (or whatever whistle he uses) to his lips and caused a shrill blast to emanate therefrom. “Oi geezer!” he shouted at Ralph. “Get down the steps, matey”. And down the steps, or rather up one, went the hapless D-man. 30 seconds later Ben Morgan and Ashley Calvert combined to set up Duncan Speirs in front of the crease and he slipped the puck past Sheffield born Alex Mettam in the Bison net. 1-0 Dogs.

On 5:47 Tom Barry was called for charging, albeit not in a monetary sense of the word, and into the house of correction he went. Now was Bison’s chance to pull level. Alas much to the chagrin of the loyal home fans i.e. those who haven’t defected to watch the Bracknell Bison this season, which seems to be 99.9% of them, they not only failed to do that, but they fell further behind to a short handed goal. Within only 2 seconds of the power play left a giveaway saw Nathan Salem break away, deke and slide the puck past Mettam. 2-0 Dogs. Oh bloody.

As far as the flat cap wearing, whippet owning, dale rambling men from Yorkshire were concerned, that was the high water mark. Bison well and truly pulled the plug on their hopes of victory to send those hopes draining through the plughole never to be seen again. How? They pilfered two quick fire goals in the 9^th minute and a 3^rd before the period ended in an audacious display of larceny, which topped even Captain Blood’s seizure of the Crown Jewels in 1671, to surge into a lead they never surrendered, as I shall relate, dear reader, so don’t go off to make a cup of tea but pray read on.

On 9:17 Tom Ralph, as opposed to Tom Relph, fired the puck netwardsly from just inside the blue line. Brandon Stones in the Dogs’ net may have had the shot covered, but he didn’t bargain for the action of Coach Ashley Tait, who thrust his lumber into the path of the puck and deflected it past the hapless Stones. The net bulged as did Stones’s eyes. 2-1 Dogs and hope for the Basingstoke icemen.

Things went from bad to worse for the canine netman 33 seconds later. Screws can be loose, cannons can be loose, women can be loose. In this case it was the puck which was loose. Loose as a goose in fact. Where you ask? In the blue paint in fact. Stones had failed to freeze it and Richard Bordowski squeezed it past him for an unassisted goal, much to the lament of the netman, who stopped short of actually singing a lament or at least I couldn’t hear him doing that from Block C. 2-2 and all to play for.

On 16 minutes precisely Bison went stratospheric and grabbed the lead. It was turning into an Ooo Matron evening. This time it was Liam “Square Sausage” Morris (how did he get that nickname – anyone know?) with a pass from behind the goal line to find Bison skipper Russ Cowley in front of the net. Where was the Dogs’ D? I can throw no light on that except to say they were nowhere to be seen. Cowley dragged the puck across the face of the crease and delayed his shot until a committed Stones was down on the ice, up the swanny (see footnote 3) and out of the equation. He looked in horror as Cowley slid the puck past him and across the goal line. Stones couldn’t see the goal light illuminating, but he must have heard the crowd bursting into a vociferous expression of their approbation, the surest indication to him that he had been undone. 3-2 Bison. Second assist to Dangling Dick Bordowski.

The period ended with no further scoring, but there was another goal more or less as soon as P2 opened – on 20:56 to be precise. In came a shot which was blocked or saved (sorry I can’t be more precise than that). The puck was picked up by a Dogs’ D-man. Take some corned beef, onions, tomato, potato, baked beans, marmite (optional) and fry them up together in a wok and then bake on the middle shelf in the oven at Gas Mark 6 for roughly half an hour until the top has started to crisp. What do you have? Why corned beef hash of course. There is one word in “corned beef hash” which accurately describes the D-man’s attempt to clear the puck and it’s not corned or beef. It was a pig’s ear, a bungling blunder and a chunderous blooper all rolled into one. It enabled Dangling Dick Bordowski to seize the puck, which previously wasn’t, but which had become loose as a result of the D-man’s ineptitude. The Czech chap fired it past a despairing Stones, who immediately made a mental note to cross the D-man off his Christmas card list. He, the latter, had been a contributor to Stones ending the night with a chunderous 0.75 save percentage (OK that’s a decimal I know). Assist to Morris. 4-2 Bison.

The Bison goal machine was not done and on 37:07 the Dogs were undone, but thankfully not in the flies department. And this goal was one of great spectacularity. It was almost an all Scottish affair with Jay King and Liam Morris involved. Alas Tom Ralph, who is English not Scottish, was also involved, so it wasn’t. But never mind. A wing pass from mid ice by Ralph or King (not sure which) set Morris away. He cut in from the right wing and lined up his sights on goal. There was no need for Bison assistant coach Tosh Redmond, the arena lights glinting off his bald head, to shout instructions to Morris in Gaelic. He knew exactly what to do. He suddenly whipped a wrist shot goalwards. Had Stones possessed the physical attributes of a London bus he could have blocked the goal completely. But he didn’t and couldn’t and Morris’s shot found the gap between the hapless custodian and the goal frame. 5-2 Bison.

That concluded the scoring in P2 and so into P3 we passed. Could Bison start the period in the same explosive style as they had started P2? Yes they could. Within 38 seconds it was 6-2. Coach Tait fired in a shot which Stones did well to save. During the battle for Stalingrad in 1942/3 Russian mice (“specially trained” some poppycock spouting conspiracy theorists say) rendered tanks of the German 22^nd Panzer Division immobile by gnawing through the insulation on electric cables inside the tanks as they were parked up in reserve. The Dogs’ D appeared as immobile as those German tanks as they failed to pick up Hallam Wilson at the back door. He forced the puck past a by now suicidal Stones for the final score of the night.

On 54:53 Tim Smith, not the one who is on the Steve Wright show on Radio 2 (see below), and Liam Morris were involved in an unseemly altercation, which resulted in match penalties for both. Butt ending, roughing and fighting were involved.

The Dogs were unable to pull off a Lazarus-esque come back and with 60:00 on the clock the final buzzer blared forth to bring to an end an evening of bizarre officiating with Mr. Evans giving articulation to several somewhat creative rule interpretations. Never mind – it hadn’t prevented Bison from grabbing the laurel wreath. Top Bananas were elected – Andrew Hirst was considered top dog and Richard Bordowski outstanding Bison.

Footnote 1 : RSJ stands for rolled steel joist.

Footnote 2 : The Bessemer Converter and process was patented by Henry Bessemer (that’s the geezer and his industrial behemoth below) in 1856. If Wikipedia is to be believed (yeah right) it was the first inexpensive industrial method for the mass production of steel from molten pig iron. Air is blown through the molten iron to oxidise impurities which separate out to form a slag on the surface of the molten iron. Now you know.