20/10/19
Make no mistake
- this was a veritable trousers down spanking that even Madam Whiplash, armed
with a bull whip, a horse whip and a cat-o-nine-tails, would have trouble
matching. With a performance of purple spectacularity Bison hammered, humbled
and humiliated their bitterest rivals to bring their victorious tally to 7 wins
against 1 loss since the summer defections of 2018. It turned out to be a tale
of three netmen, one stellar and the other two lamentable, a 4-goal Slovak
assassin, a Bees’ reject who slammed a hat-trick against his old team and a
bunch of raving lunatics – the Bison backers who turned out in massive force to
cheer their team on to victory. Let us preamble no further, dear reader, but
instead why don’t we move into the first period.
With only 49
seconds on the clock, the Bees’ grim evening began. Coach Tait squared to Pilot
Office Paul Petts in front of the net. His attempts to get the puck past Adam
Goss failed, but the biscuit spilled loose off the rubberoid custodian and
there emerging from behind the net like a ghost was Michal Klejna. The Slovak
chap poked the puck over the line. By the way Kat Meszarosova, a native
Slovakian known to me, has reliably informed me that the correct pronunciation
of Klejna’s name is Clay-na. Now we know. It was a scrappy goal, but it still
had more artistic merit than Damien Hirst’s half a sheep in a tank of
formaldehyde. The Bison goal celebration was sizeably massive, excessively
copious and immeasurably monumental. 1-0 Bison.
On 11:21 Harvey
Stead interfered. “Oi you,” shouted Ref Belfitt. “That’s bang out of order.” It
was to be a 2 minute stretch of solitary without even bread and water (actually
there may have been some water available). But not quite as Stead’s porridge
came to an end after 1:27, an insufficient period of reflection for him I am
sure. Gordon “George” Norcliffe set it up for Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones to
whip an Ooo Mr. Rigsby wrist shot from the slot. Goss diverted it onto the post,
but, much to the netman’s very grave chagrin, it fell at the stick of Ryan
Sutton, who fired it in. Had Tommy Cooper been present and a Bison fan, he
would have thrown his fez into the air. 2-0 Bison.
On 16:12 Ivan
and Vanya Antonov were both called for a simultaneous hook. Into the glasshouse
went the errant twins and it did their team no good at all, for 39 seconds
later Sutton took a pass from Norcliffe from Klejna, and skated in on goal. He
wasn’t toting a six shooter, but he was toting a hot hockey stick (equally as
lethal) and he proved he was as deadly a shot as Wild Bill Hickok (that’s him
below). He whipped a wrist shot across the goal tender and into the opposite
top shelf. 3-0 Bison. The Bison backers trumpeted their approbation at an
elephantine level of noise. P1 ended without further scoring.
Ooo Betty Bees. 0-3
to the bad. But never mind a couple of quick goals at the start of the 2nd
would see them back in it. Alas that’s not quite what happened. Read on.
On 24:05
Norcliffe hooked and was hooked into the box. Here was the Bees’ chance - a
power play would surely bear fruit. Well it did, but not Bees’ fruit. 50
seconds into the PP Jay King passed out (not out cold but out of defense) to
Coach Tate who slipped a pass to Klejna. Over the blue line in a most velocious
fashion went the Slovak geezer. He bore down on goal and suddenly whipped a
wrist shot past the glove of Goss, who by now must have wished he was elsewhere.
Soon he would be. The Bison backers volcanized once more. Red Leader was so
excited his dentures nearly fell out. 4-0 Bison and strangely enough no assist
to Tait. Oh the inaccuracy of official game sheets!
But there was to
be joy in the Bees’ camp 28 seconds later. Still on the power play, the Antonov
twins poked in for 1-4. Stuart “The Cat” Mogg and Josh Smith assisting for an
all ex Bison players’ goal. Damn them. Not to worry, their euphoria didn’t last
long. On 28:39 Klejna struck again. And the rubberoid Goss, hapless netminder
extraordinaire, must have wanted his Mummy after this one. He saved Tait’s
shot, but, now drawn hopelessly out of position, he could only flop around on
the ice like a freshly caught haddock on the deck of a trawler as Klenja poked
the puck into a vacated net. Oh dear. Suddenly we heard a bell. Was the bell
tolling for the Bees? Or was it school’s out? No it was Honest Pete ringing his
Bison bell in celebration. 5-1 Bison.
Coach Sheppard
must have been very angry by this stage.
The Bison drummers
seemed to have more drums than Ginger Baker, John Bonham, Keith Moon and Gene
Krupa put together, as they beat out a victory roll. Hang on. Gene who? Gene
Krupa, legendary big band leader and drummer from the 1940s/50s - that’s the
geezer below.
It was becoming
embarrassing for the homesters. But alas for them their chunderous and
blunderous evening was far from over. They still had a long way to go before
they reached the bottom of their pit of calamitous disaster. On 29:28 Smith
hooked and was invited to embark on a 2 minute journey of reflection and
contrition for his misdeed in an attempt to find a path to redemption. He may
have been well on the way towards achieving this, but alas his introspective
ruminations were cut short by yet another goal. Tait squared to King (I think),
who found Klejna wide and to the left of the goal on the point. He made his
point by snapping an unstoppable (well unstoppable by Goss anyway) shot past
the exceedingly hapless netman, who was by now well on the way to needing
counselling. Hat-trick for Klejna and 6-1 Bison. Honest Pete’s bell tolled once
more. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt hugged the Che Guevara
impersonator in celebration. The Desperate Dan lookalike wanted to devour a cow
pie in celebration, but alas the catering faculties at the Hive could not
furnish him with such a culinary delight. It was deep joy, as Stanley Unwin
might have described it, in the Bison blocks.
Popeye once said,
"That's all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more!" Coach
Sheppard may well have said the same thing. He had seen enough. If the hapless
Goss had been a horse they would have shot him to put him out of his misery. But
I heard no neighing coming from his direction. Instead he suffered the ignominy
of being dragged from the net, not literally mind you, with a chunderous save
percentage of 76%. In came Danny Milton supposedly to shore up the goal. He was
to fare even worse (with a save percentage of 72.7%), as I shall relate, dear
reader.
P2 ended without
further goals. 5 goals to the bad, the Bees must have been reaching for the
Prozac. Did they have enough to go round the locker room? But never mind, 3 or
4 quick goals at the start of the 3rd and they would be back in it.
Well there were a couple of quick goals at the start of the 3rd,
but, alas for the homesters, they were Bison goals, which pushed the Bees
further down into the dark recesses of their septic tank of dejection. They
were now well and truly swirling round in the glutinous, steaming mass which is
the detritus of disappointment.
Only 49 seconds
into P3 a slick move involving Petts and Ollie Stone set up Alex Sampford
skating in at the back door. And what of the Bees’ D? Coach Sheppard might just
as well have entrusted snuffing out the Bison threat to a team of half asleep
down and outs tanked up to the eyeballs on meths and heroin. His D proved just
as ineffectual, as an unopposed Sampford wiggled his twig to fox Milton. It
worked as the puck looped over hapless netman no.2 and into the net. 7-1 Bison.
Then on 42:32
Edward Knaggs fired the puck into the Bison defensive zone only for Hallam
Wilson to chop it down out to Sutton, who didn’t dilly-dally, delay or dawdle.
Oh no matron. He immediately fired a stretch pass down the middle to Liam
“Square Sausage” Morris. Back in 1969 the Beach Boys told us “Break break shake away, break
breakaway, now I'm free to do what I want to do”. Well that applied to Morris
also. He was free to do what he wanted to do as he broke straight down
the centre and whipped a net rippling shot past Milton glove side. The goal was
greeted by a sudden outburst of noise decibelularly (OK I made that word up)
equivalent to a herd of elephants stampeding through the Serengeti. Conversely silent
pathos pervaded the Bees’ blocks. 8-1 Bison.
Still no peace
for Milton. On 46:42 with the Bees defending a power play, Aiden Doughty having
been sent down the steps for kneeing, Klejna squared a pass across the crease
through a lethargic Bees’ D to Sutton who put lumber to rubber and breached the
Milton 5-hole which gaped as wide as a yawning Hippopotamus. A first ever
senior hat-trick for Sutts. 9-1 Bison
“We want 10, we
want 10” chanted the Bison backers. “We want 2, we want 2,” chanted the Bees
fans. The Bespectacled Youth was heard to shout “7 quick goals and you’re back
in it.” And he was right. But were the Bees capable of bagging them? Well
actually no, matron. But they did grab one shortly after. So the fans got their
2 after all. Tom “Wreck-It” Ralph had his collar felt for a hook and in the
ensuing powerplay, the Antonov twins swept around the back of the net and poked
in a loose puck, which Alex “Mittens” Mettam thought he had covered. Assist to
Zack Milton. 9-2 Bison. For the Bees that sounded a lot better than 9-1 Bison.
That was it as
far as the scoring was concerned. The game ended and Sutton was elected Bison’s
Top Banana with Klejna receiving the Bison belt. A great night for the
visitors, but what on earth has happened to the Bees? Last summer when Doug
Sheppard, top coach in the league, defected with 8 players from the treble
winning side they looked like they had a rosy future. In the game they matched
Bison shot on goal for shot on goal, but ended up on the wrong end of a very
embarrassing scoreline, looked at times as if they didn’t want to be there and
stunned their fans into Guildford library-esque silence. As Yogi Berra, baseball
catcher extraordinaire and purveyor of famous nonsensical utterances, once
said, “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
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