Disciplinary Dogs' Dinner Does for the Dogs

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

29/2/20

The Steeldogs journeyed to the sunny south from the frozen wastes of the north looking to sweep Bison, having won 3 out of 3 in this season’s previous encounters. As it turned out they were the architects of their own downfall, as I shall relate, so, dear reader, I would implore you to refrain from diverting your attention elsewhere and instead to read the humble account which I lay before you in the hope of eliciting edification.

P1 opened and after some early pressure by Bison it was the Dogs who snatched a go-ahead goal on 3:23. I must confess, dear reader, I can cast no light upon how the goal was scored, and so the method by which the visitors breached the pipes behind goaltender Alex “Mittens” Mettam will remain uncommented upon here. Suffice it to say that the scorer was James Spurr assisted by Tim Smith, but not the Tim Smith who appears on Steve Wright’s radio 2 show – he was elsewhere. 1-0 Dogs.

Bison levelled it on 9:34. Fed by Coach Tait, Michal Klejna slewed a pass across the face of the goal. The Dogs’ D made a dog’s dinner of defending. It was indeed a trousers down moment for them as they failed to cover Sean “Eminem” Norris. He, the latter named, smacked the puck home and it was 1-1.

A very even period was moving to a close with Bison on the attack. Could they launch one last effort to snatch a go-ahead goal before the cessation of P1 hostilities? Ben Morgan, formerly captain of the Dogs, but, when he was, not a distiller of rum as far as I am aware, hauled down Norris as he latched onto a stretch pass and hammered towards goal as if there was no tomorrow. If he, Norris or anyone else for that matter, thought there was going to be no tomorrow, he was wrong, as, if you are reading this today (yesterday’s tomorrow) there clearly was and is. A shrill blast emitted from the referee’s whistle and Morgan had his collar felt. It was arguably a penalty worth taking, at least so the Dogs must have thought at the time, but, much to their very grave chagrin I am sure, it proved not to be such. Whilst Morgan was doing his stretch of solitary and able to reflect on his misdeed and emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later, his spell down the steps was cut short when Bison bagged one in the dying embers of the period. Gordon “George” Norcliffe dug the puck out and short passed to Tait. Back in 1961 Del Shannon (that’s the geezer playing  a Gretsch guitar above) had a bit hit with “Runaway”, in which he lamented “and I wonder, I wa wa wa wa wonder, why a why why why why why she ran away, my little runaway, my run run run run runaway”. Well at this moment it wasn’t Del Shannon’s “she” who ran way. No indeed. It was the Dogs’ D. Netman Dmitri Zimozdra went to ground to save Tait’s shot but the rebounded rubber went straight to Klejna. The hapless goaltender was now up a gum tree, up the creek without a paddle and floundering like a beached whale all at the same time (a fine example of multi-tasking). Klejna stood, perhaps not on the steps of destiny, but certainly in front of an inviting open net, much larger than Ena Sharples’s hair net (see below). The Slovak chap slapped the biscuit into the stringbag and it was 2-1 Bison with only 2.6 seconds of P1 on the clock – a timely strike indeed.

Into the 2^nd epoch of play we passed. And it would be the Dogs who would level it on 25:11. The puck bobbled around in the Bison defensive zone with the homesters unable to clear it. Suddenly it broke to Jack Brammer, a callow youth of 16, who rifled it top ched like an experienced pro. Well done to him. Reece Cochrane and Ben Morgan picked up assists. 2-2.

7 minutes later Bison snatched back the lead. You may recall on Boxing Day last Adam Harding scored a goal against the Swindon Wildcats from behind the goal line by banking in a shot off the goaltender. The ever curmudgeonly Cats’ coach Aaron Nell, in a fit of resentment devoid of generosity and suffering from a bankruptcy of spirit, whilst wallowing in a sea of begrudgement (OK that’s may not be a real word but it should be), described Harding’s goal as “the luckiest goal you’ll ever see”, indicating that it was unintentional. Not so. He proved it by doing exactly the same thing on 32:46. With Zimozdra down on the ice like a beached whale up a gum tree without a paddle once more, Harding saw the opportunity and fired in off the helpless custodian’s skate from behind the goal line. Mr. Nell were you watching? Assists to Norris and Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones. For Zimozdra it was a perfectly beastly moment. Had he been from the East End of London like me, he might have been moved to shout “COWSON”, but he isn’t and didn’t. 3-2 Bison.

P2 ended and into the final epoch we moved and it didn’t take long for Bison to extend their lead. Set up by Ryan Sutton and Sam “Turbo” Talbot, Dangling Dick Bordowski skated out in front of goal and then fired in a wrist shot bar Mexico on the swivel. (Bar what? It’s hockey parlance for off the bar and down of course). 4-2 Bison.

The Dogs were not done yet, however, and on 51:11 they stormed back into a solitary goal deficit with a superbly executed move up the left wing, a cut inside and an unleashing of an unstoppable wrist shot past Mettam by Vladimir Luka. Lovely move and score it has to be said. Tim Smith assisted. 4-3 Bison, but the Dogs very much back in it.

The clock ticked down and the Dogs were, not quite in the last chance saloon, but fast entering the period where they had to crank up the pressure and not give away any penalties to make them short handed with 5 minutes to play. Simon Sudbury was a very silly fellow. That’s the geezer above or at least what’s left of him. As Lord Chancellor he introduced a crippling poll tax on the people of England. This was the spark which lit the powder keg which was the Peasants’ Revolt of 1381. An enraged mob of thousands of downtrodden serfs led by Wat Tyler and Jack Straw marched on London and burst into the Tower of London where Sudbury was hiding. The angry villagers dragged out the terrified Lord Chancellor and decapitated the featherbrained fellow. He just hadn’t thought the poll tax thing through, had he? On a Simon Sudbury scale of silliness where 1 is very sensible and 10 is very silly, the Dogs scored 10. It all started on 55:48 when the bell tolled for Lewis Bell, guilty of a late hit. Off to the glasshouse went the miscreant. “OK see out the power play and we still have 2:12 to bag a levelling score,” must have been the visitors’ thoughts. A sound plan indeed. But alas with one fatal flaw. They couldn’t defend the power play. Set up by Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, Bordowski rapped a shot against the bar. It wasn’t bar Mexico this time as the puck flew sideways. Zimozdra must have been pleased when he heard the distinctive sound of rubber against metal as he realised that the goal frame had saved his bacon. He may even have been filled with a warm glow of satisfaction, which would of course have put him in a different place to the Rolling Stones (see below), whose lead singer, Mick Jagger, told us back in 1965 “I can't get no. No no, no. Satisfaction. Hey, hey, hey. That's what I say. I can't get no satisfaction”. However, whether or not he did experience such an emotion must remain a matter of speculation. The unfortunate fellow he must have been filled with a sense of foreboding, disaster and indeed impending doom immediately after as the rebounded puck went straight to Alex Sampford, but not via Mexico. Just as Klejna had espied a massive expanse of Ena Sharples-esque net for Bison’s first goal, Sampford now saw the same. The hapless and helpless goaltender was a beaten and broken man in front of him. The dictionary defines “thwack” as “to strike or beat vigorously with something flat” Sampford duly multi-taskedly thwacked, whacked, wellied, leathered and smote the puck all at the same time and it flew into Ena’s hairnet for goal no 5. It was now 5-3 Bison with 3:35 remaining.

OK so that wasn’t good for the Dogs, but, if they avoided any more Simon Sudbury silliness, they were still in with a chance. After all 2 goals in 3:35 can be done. But Simon Sudbury was to rear his ugly head once again, not once but twice. On 57:54 Luka went down the steps for a late hit. 5 on 4. Then on 58:23 Smith was thrown in the can for charging. 5 on 3 and curtains for the Dogs. Their chances of levelling it up were now deader than a do-do if indeed there can be degrees of deadness – I mean you’re either dead or you aren’t. You can’t be deader than something else which is also dead, can you? Never mind all that. The Dogs had the final task of defending the 5 on 3 to achieve a modicum of respectability at least. They failed. With 23 seconds remaining Jones slewed an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Tait. The latter then found the man over at the back door. It was Klejna. He hammered the biscuit straight through the 5-hole of Zimozdra, who had another good reason to shout “COWSON”. With the concession of the 6^th Bison goal the mood in away fans block became funereal. Black armbands were donned, obituaries were written and eulogies were read. 6-3 Bison and goodnight Vienna.

Top bananas were elected. Luka won the Dogs’ award and Talbot took the Bison beers.

Night of the Netmen

Bison 2 Leeds Chiefs 0

22/2/20

If you look back in history you will find a veritable cornucopia of incredible achievements by man. In 1909 Louis Blériot became the first man to fly across the English Channel......

..... in 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first men to conquer Mount Everest......

..... in 1969 Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the Moon.

 

The monumental task, with which I am faced, is how to write 1,500 words on a game with only two goals. I will have a go, dear reader, but I will almost certainly slide into the bubbling cesspool of failure and I hope I will be forgiven.

The visitors to Planet Ice last night were the Leeds Chiefs in their very first season. They languish at the bottom of the league, lower even than the Bracknell Bees, which is an achievement in itself, albeit an unwanted one, knowing how bad the Bees are (see previous reports to enjoy the veritable smorgasbord of trousers down spankings which Bison have doled out to their bumbling rivals). The Chiefs have only 11 wins from 40 games (now 41), but they are an embryonic outfit and I am sure we will see a vastly improved team next season, which cannot be said about the Bees, especially if they can hang on to their star man from last night’s game, namely goaltender Sam Gospel, who faced 40 shots and allowed (strange use of wording that – I mean it sounds so polite) only 2. Bison backers will remember that the Chiefs achieved a double header win when last at the Basingstoke Arena. Were they going to make it 3 out of 3? Well actually no they didn’t, as you will have gathered already from reading the score at the beginning of this report.

P1 opened and it was all Bison from start to finish. 14 shots were rained in on Gospel whereas at the other end, Alex “Mittens” Mettam was tested on only 2 occasions. Despite the bombardment of the Leeds net, the period produced only a single goal. This was scored on 13:33. Coach Tait away to the goal tender’s right found Sean “Eminem” Norris behind the goal line. Was the coach going to let the grass grow under his feet? Well, grass growing though the icepad is one thing we haven’t yet seen at our crumbling rink, but it could happen. The long-in-the-tooth coach cast aside any thoughts of what the ravages of time may have done to his creaking and indeed enfeebled 44 year old limbs. Indeed no, Matron. Coach Tait wasn’t going to let the grass, or anything else for that matter, grow under his feet. On his part there was no unconditional surrender, no slide into the quagmire of defeatism, no meek acceptance of the decrepitisation (OK that’s not a real word) of his crumbling form. He threw aside his Zimmer frame and advanced through the secondary crease. (If you are unaware of what the secondary crease is, ask the Bespectacled Youth – he’s researched it you know). Norris fired a lay it on a plate pass from behind the goal line into the path of the advancing geriatric. Perhaps Tait should have phoned the Police to report the Leeds’ D as missing persons, but he had no time. He smacked the puck home past a startled Gospel for his 20^th goal of the season. If there were any members of the aristocracy present (unlikely) they may have described the goal as spiffing, spanking, top drawer, wizard or capital. What ho? To the rest of us it was just a bloody good goal. 1-0 Bison. By the way anyone who has seen Ashley Tait play will know that above description of him is load of unadulterated claptrap, but hey! you don’t read these reports expecting accuracy do you? Why let the truth get in the way of a good story?

P1 ended with no further scoring, so into P2 we passed. We were to see an improved Leeds performance, but not by much. Offensively yes, but defensively no. They managed to quadruple their tally of shots on the Mettam net from P1, 8 in total, but the Yorkshireman (yes he’s actually from Sheffield, but, as far as I am aware, does not possess a cloth cap or a whippet) proved equal to all of them. Was he going to achieve something beginning with S? No-one dared to utter that word. At the other end Bison fired 16 shots at a frequently hung out to dry Gospel. Never mind the gospel according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. This was the Gospel according to Sam – the gospel of top notch goaltending as he stopped 15 of them. But alas for the beleaguered netman he was once again let down by chunderous defending. On 31:42 an attempted clearance out of defense met with a disaster, perhaps not as cataclysmic as the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 admittedly, but a calamity, a debacle and a catastrophe nevertheless. A Leeds D-man who I shall decline to identify, not to spare his blushes, but because I have no idea who he was, hoisted a clearance into the air. His heart must have sunk as a marauding Norris batted down the airborne puck, took control and skated across the goal, leaving the D-man for dead.....

Back in 1964 the Velvelettes released their classic Tamla Motown song “Needle in a Haystack”, in which they told us … 

“Findin' a good man, girls, is like findin' a

Needle in a haystack

What I say, girls?

Needle in a haystack

Shee-doop, wha-la, Shee-doop

Shee-doop wha-la”

Well Norris didn’t have a task half as difficult as finding a needle in haystack. All he had to do was find a team-mate to slam the puck into the net past the goaltender. However, facing the wrong way, he had to rely on telepathy and hope that one of his line mates had the fleet footedness and slippery eel-esque qualities to evade the Leeds D. His no look drop pass was indeed rewarded as there, charging forward with the speed of Kanazawa to Tokyo bullet train and displaying the enigmatic elusiveness of a jack-o'-lantern on a dark night, was Michal Klejna. The Slovak chap hammered home from the secondary crease, which is of course located in front of the primary crease (I’ve already told you to ask the bespectacled Youth about that). It was a Shee-doop, wha-la goal and by way of celebration a convulsive commotion characterised by a cacophony of caterwauling broke out in the Bison blocks. 2-0 Bison.

P2 ended without further scoring and a cumulative shot count of 30-10 in Bison’s favour. It had looked like plain sailing so far, but, as we know, 2 goals can be scored in the blink of an eye and the points were far from in the bag. But the Chiefs could not breach the defenses of Mettam in the final epoch and Gospel, who had played like the Berlin Wall in the first period and the gates of Fort Knox in the second, now displayed the impregnable qualities of the Iron Fortress of Rajsasthan (that's the gaff below) and shut out the Bison onslaught. The highlights of the period were Referee Brooks falling over, this evoking a cheer which reached a higher decibellular level than when Bison had scored, and Referee Jarvie picking up a discarded stick and skating along with it during active play as if to say, “Look here you Leeds chappies, I’m going to show you how to score a goal.” Thankfully he made no attempt to do so, as it transpired.

And so P3 ended with Bison very worthy winners by 2-0. Top bananas were appointed. Of course it was a netman’s night with Gospel and a save percentage of 95% carrying the day (evening) for the Chiefs and Mettam with the S-word which no-one dared to utter. Well done both of them.

P.S. OK only 1,330 words. Perhaps I should have taken on scaling Everest instead.

Bees Fall to Bison Onslaught ... Again

Bracknell Bees 4 Bison 7

2/2/20

The Bees must really hate Bison. In the last 2 seasons the teams have now met 10 times with Bison winning 8 and putting an avalanche of goals past the hapless icemen from Berkshire – last Sunday’s 7 brought the season’s total to 34 in 6 games. Ooo Betty. The bumbling Bees now languish one off the bottom of the table. Quite simply they are not very good.

Never mind all that let’s get on to the events of the night. P1 opened and within 2:37 Bison rejoiced in a 2-0 lead. On 1:23 the Bees’ D treated us to a demonstration of how chunderous and blunderous they could be. It was a cataclysmic disaster on a par with the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, as they failed to clear their lines. Sean “Eminem” Norris picked up the puck and shot. Danny Milton saved, but not well enough. The puck went straight to Michal Klejna, who scooped a short backhanded pass from under his feet back to Norris on the doorstep. He whipped it home and it was 1-0 Bison. As my compatriot cockneys might have said “Gor blimey, me ol’ China. Let’s celebrate with an Aris of pigs and a Ruby” – God blind me, my old mate. Let’s celebrate with a bottle of beer and a curry.

On 2:37 Bison broke out of defense. Adam Harding slipped the puck to Sam “Turbo” Talbot. In on goal he rifled a wrist shot which Milton saved, but once again the hapless netman proved rubberoid and the rebounded puck went straight into the path of Talbot who backhanded it in. Oh Lordy what a disaster for the Bees and in particular for the hapless netman, who so far had had both his rebounds put back past him. 2-0 Bison. Had my Welsh ancestors been present they might have said “Nawr mae yna hyfryd, Boyo. Gallai hyn droi i mewn i fflangellu arall-sef trowsus go iawn i lawr yn sboncio”  - Now there's lovely, boyo. This could turn into another flagellation - yes a veritable trousers down spanking.

The Bees pulled one back on 12:46 with Roman Malinik firing in a rebound from Harvey Stead’s shot. 2-1 Bison and things on the up for the Bees but not for long. Indeed no Matron. They had a chance to level it when Josh Smith was away on the breakaway from a stretch pass, but as he was shaping to shoot Stonewall Ollie Stone nicked the puck off his stick with a side swiping poke check. It was a miracle on a par with turning water into wine. What beastly luck for Smith.

Moments later on 17:11 it was 3-1 with a nearly all Alex goal. Alex “Mittens” Mettam swept the puck from the doorstep to Alex Sampford. Alex to Alex. Sampford could not find another player called Alex to pass to, so he rifled a long pass which eluded the inept Bees’ D and found Turbo Talbot racing forward. In on goal the slippery eel-esque Welshman bore down on Milton. The hapless goaltender made like a frog in a desperate attempt to smother the puck and save himself from further excruciating embarrassment, but he only succeeded in adding to it by committing himself. Forehand to backhand and in 3-1 Bison. It was fast turning into another chunderous evening at the hands of Bison for the Bees.

Would we see more of the same in P2? Yes we would. On 21:05, defending a power play with Elliott Dewey banged up for roughing, Mettam saved and Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, tidying up the loose puck, shovelled it to Coach Tait inside his own defensive zone. One could not help but admire the lean and lithe form of the follically challenged Bison coach as he precipitated forward in a manner most lissom and velocious. With Klejna up in support it looked like a square pass to bypass the two D-men would be the preferred choice. Do you have a concept of perfection? For me a fine example of this is Leo Fender’s Stratocaster guitar. The Strat is the most popular guitar of all time and worldwide. And yet it has been around since 1954. If you don’t believe me have a gander at the picture below - it's the great Buddy Holly with a Strat circa 1957. You could walk into a guitar shop and buy one exactly like that tomorrow, which illustrates what perfection in design Leo Fender achieved way back then. Tait, with a similar degree of perfection, whipped the puck glove side past Danny Milton, who by now must have been plunged into an unassuageable state of intolerable anguish. 4-1 Bison.

 

Give up a power play and score a shortie seemed to be a good Bison tactic, so on 26:05 Dewey returned to the glass house for holding the stick (presumably someone else’s). Alas on this occasion the tactic failed with the Bees scoring on the PP. Josh Ealey-Newman from Ed Knaggs from Dominik Gabaj. 27:31 on the clock and 4-2 Bison.

On 30:38 Harvey Stead tripped someone – I know not who that was. “Oi, geezer,” said the referee. “You can’t do that. 10 years in the Siberian salts mines for you.” Off went the ne’er-do-well. Bison went on the PP. Morris planted the puck around the boards. It reached Knaggs, who had a chance to clear but the dummkopf D-man fluffed it, allowing Harding to find Dangling Dick Bordowski out front and to Milton’s right. There have been many incredible successful quests throughout history. Mossad agents found Nazi war criminal Adolph Eichman in Argentina, Howard Carter and his team of archaeologists found Tutankhamun’s tomb and marine detectives found the wreck of the Titanic. Had all those involved in these historic finds been present at this moment and had they put together their expertise in a quest to find the Bees’ D it would have ended in a dismal failure. The D simply wasn’t there. An unchallenged Bordo had a quick dangle and then rifled the puck across the ice and in off Milton’s back stick. Had my Austrian ancestors been present they may have been moved to comment “Nehmen Sie, dass Sie inkompetent bummeln. Es ist ein weiteres im auge für aie. Holen sie sich etwas Prozac im nacken.” - Bad luck you bumbling incompetents. It's another one in the eye for you. Get some Prozac down your neck. 5-2 Bison.

Bison were not taking their foot off the gas. Oh no Matron. On 36:33 Coach Tait fired in a shot in a netwards direction and there was Harding dangling his twig in the path of the puck. We heard the distinct sound of rubber on taped fibreglass and the puck flew past Milton and into the net. 6-2 Bison.

Into P3 we moved and a disaster worse than the loss of the Titanic in 1912, the eruption of Vesuvius in AD79 and the Jiajing Great Earthquake of 1556 all rolled into one was about to befall the hapless hosts. They were about to concede another shortie, but not just any old shortie a 5 on 3 shortie. Oh Lordy! How on earth? With Tait and Harding both in the slammer for hooking the Bees had 10 seconds of a 5 on 3. From the face off the puck squirted to Klejna. He began a charge up ice from his own D zone with Ed Knaggs providing a  challenge no more threatening than an angry Chihuahua .....

....nibbling at the heels of a rhinoceros. Klejna’s progress was not impeded in any way as Knaggs proved nothing more substantial than an annoying fly except that he didn’t even annoy Klejna. In fact the “challenge” was so feeble that Klejna may not even have been aware that Knaggs was there at all. Ok enough on the ineptitude of the hapless Bees’ D-man. The Slovak chap ended his surge forward with a whipped wrist shot past Milton blocker side. Oh dear the ignominy of it all. A 3 on 5 shortie. Had my Polish ancestors been present they may have been moved to shout, “Oooo matronowy hokej Bison i jak zawstydzające dla was Pszczółka”. – Oooo matron hockey Bison and how embarrassing for you Bee fellows. (Oh come on I hear you say – Cockney, Welsh, Polish, Austrian? Actually yes all of those). 7-2 Bison.

Going into the last phase of the game the Bees managed to pull 2 goals back through Aiden Doughty and Dominik Gabaj to make the scoreline a bit more respectable at 7-4. Is a 7-4 defeat on your home ice respectable in any way?

Top Bananas were elected. Harvey Stead for the Bees and Gordon “George” Norcliffe for Bison. Bison’s MoM could have been Mettam yet again with an outstanding performance in the net and 2 goal assists. Perhaps he didn't get the award because he didn't score a goal.