Bees Fall to Bison Onslaught ... Again

Bracknell Bees 4 Bison 7

2/2/20

The Bees must really hate Bison. In the last 2 seasons the teams have now met 10 times with Bison winning 8 and putting an avalanche of goals past the hapless icemen from Berkshire – last Sunday’s 7 brought the season’s total to 34 in 6 games. Ooo Betty. The bumbling Bees now languish one off the bottom of the table. Quite simply they are not very good.

Never mind all that let’s get on to the events of the night. P1 opened and within 2:37 Bison rejoiced in a 2-0 lead. On 1:23 the Bees’ D treated us to a demonstration of how chunderous and blunderous they could be. It was a cataclysmic disaster on a par with the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, as they failed to clear their lines. Sean “Eminem” Norris picked up the puck and shot. Danny Milton saved, but not well enough. The puck went straight to Michal Klejna, who scooped a short backhanded pass from under his feet back to Norris on the doorstep. He whipped it home and it was 1-0 Bison. As my compatriot cockneys might have said “Gor blimey, me ol’ China. Let’s celebrate with an Aris of pigs and a Ruby” – God blind me, my old mate. Let’s celebrate with a bottle of beer and a curry.

On 2:37 Bison broke out of defense. Adam Harding slipped the puck to Sam “Turbo” Talbot. In on goal he rifled a wrist shot which Milton saved, but once again the hapless netman proved rubberoid and the rebounded puck went straight into the path of Talbot who backhanded it in. Oh Lordy what a disaster for the Bees and in particular for the hapless netman, who so far had had both his rebounds put back past him. 2-0 Bison. Had my Welsh ancestors been present they might have said “Nawr mae yna hyfryd, Boyo. Gallai hyn droi i mewn i fflangellu arall-sef trowsus go iawn i lawr yn sboncio”  - Now there's lovely, boyo. This could turn into another flagellation - yes a veritable trousers down spanking.

The Bees pulled one back on 12:46 with Roman Malinik firing in a rebound from Harvey Stead’s shot. 2-1 Bison and things on the up for the Bees but not for long. Indeed no Matron. They had a chance to level it when Josh Smith was away on the breakaway from a stretch pass, but as he was shaping to shoot Stonewall Ollie Stone nicked the puck off his stick with a side swiping poke check. It was a miracle on a par with turning water into wine. What beastly luck for Smith.

Moments later on 17:11 it was 3-1 with a nearly all Alex goal. Alex “Mittens” Mettam swept the puck from the doorstep to Alex Sampford. Alex to Alex. Sampford could not find another player called Alex to pass to, so he rifled a long pass which eluded the inept Bees’ D and found Turbo Talbot racing forward. In on goal the slippery eel-esque Welshman bore down on Milton. The hapless goaltender made like a frog in a desperate attempt to smother the puck and save himself from further excruciating embarrassment, but he only succeeded in adding to it by committing himself. Forehand to backhand and in 3-1 Bison. It was fast turning into another chunderous evening at the hands of Bison for the Bees.

Would we see more of the same in P2? Yes we would. On 21:05, defending a power play with Elliott Dewey banged up for roughing, Mettam saved and Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, tidying up the loose puck, shovelled it to Coach Tait inside his own defensive zone. One could not help but admire the lean and lithe form of the follically challenged Bison coach as he precipitated forward in a manner most lissom and velocious. With Klejna up in support it looked like a square pass to bypass the two D-men would be the preferred choice. Do you have a concept of perfection? For me a fine example of this is Leo Fender’s Stratocaster guitar. The Strat is the most popular guitar of all time and worldwide. And yet it has been around since 1954. If you don’t believe me have a gander at the picture below - it's the great Buddy Holly with a Strat circa 1957. You could walk into a guitar shop and buy one exactly like that tomorrow, which illustrates what perfection in design Leo Fender achieved way back then. Tait, with a similar degree of perfection, whipped the puck glove side past Danny Milton, who by now must have been plunged into an unassuageable state of intolerable anguish. 4-1 Bison.

 

Give up a power play and score a shortie seemed to be a good Bison tactic, so on 26:05 Dewey returned to the glass house for holding the stick (presumably someone else’s). Alas on this occasion the tactic failed with the Bees scoring on the PP. Josh Ealey-Newman from Ed Knaggs from Dominik Gabaj. 27:31 on the clock and 4-2 Bison.

On 30:38 Harvey Stead tripped someone – I know not who that was. “Oi, geezer,” said the referee. “You can’t do that. 10 years in the Siberian salts mines for you.” Off went the ne’er-do-well. Bison went on the PP. Morris planted the puck around the boards. It reached Knaggs, who had a chance to clear but the dummkopf D-man fluffed it, allowing Harding to find Dangling Dick Bordowski out front and to Milton’s right. There have been many incredible successful quests throughout history. Mossad agents found Nazi war criminal Adolph Eichman in Argentina, Howard Carter and his team of archaeologists found Tutankhamun’s tomb and marine detectives found the wreck of the Titanic. Had all those involved in these historic finds been present at this moment and had they put together their expertise in a quest to find the Bees’ D it would have ended in a dismal failure. The D simply wasn’t there. An unchallenged Bordo had a quick dangle and then rifled the puck across the ice and in off Milton’s back stick. Had my Austrian ancestors been present they may have been moved to comment “Nehmen Sie, dass Sie inkompetent bummeln. Es ist ein weiteres im auge für aie. Holen sie sich etwas Prozac im nacken.” - Bad luck you bumbling incompetents. It's another one in the eye for you. Get some Prozac down your neck. 5-2 Bison.

Bison were not taking their foot off the gas. Oh no Matron. On 36:33 Coach Tait fired in a shot in a netwards direction and there was Harding dangling his twig in the path of the puck. We heard the distinct sound of rubber on taped fibreglass and the puck flew past Milton and into the net. 6-2 Bison.

Into P3 we moved and a disaster worse than the loss of the Titanic in 1912, the eruption of Vesuvius in AD79 and the Jiajing Great Earthquake of 1556 all rolled into one was about to befall the hapless hosts. They were about to concede another shortie, but not just any old shortie a 5 on 3 shortie. Oh Lordy! How on earth? With Tait and Harding both in the slammer for hooking the Bees had 10 seconds of a 5 on 3. From the face off the puck squirted to Klejna. He began a charge up ice from his own D zone with Ed Knaggs providing a  challenge no more threatening than an angry Chihuahua .....

....nibbling at the heels of a rhinoceros. Klejna’s progress was not impeded in any way as Knaggs proved nothing more substantial than an annoying fly except that he didn’t even annoy Klejna. In fact the “challenge” was so feeble that Klejna may not even have been aware that Knaggs was there at all. Ok enough on the ineptitude of the hapless Bees’ D-man. The Slovak chap ended his surge forward with a whipped wrist shot past Milton blocker side. Oh dear the ignominy of it all. A 3 on 5 shortie. Had my Polish ancestors been present they may have been moved to shout, “Oooo matronowy hokej Bison i jak zawstydzające dla was Pszczółka”. – Oooo matron hockey Bison and how embarrassing for you Bee fellows. (Oh come on I hear you say – Cockney, Welsh, Polish, Austrian? Actually yes all of those). 7-2 Bison.

Going into the last phase of the game the Bees managed to pull 2 goals back through Aiden Doughty and Dominik Gabaj to make the scoreline a bit more respectable at 7-4. Is a 7-4 defeat on your home ice respectable in any way?

Top Bananas were elected. Harvey Stead for the Bees and Gordon “George” Norcliffe for Bison. Bison’s MoM could have been Mettam yet again with an outstanding performance in the net and 2 goal assists. Perhaps he didn't get the award because he didn't score a goal.