Bison 5 Hull Pirates 2
11/1/20
The
Hull Pirates sailed into Basingstoke with new heavyweight signing Matt
Bissonette of elite league fame and 3 of the top 7 points scorers in the
league, namely Hewitt, Bonner and Chamberlain, with the intention of bashing up
(Coach Hewitt’s terminology) the Hampshire icemen. But the reality was that you
can’t win a game if you have a rubberoid goaltender and if your inept defence
is all at sea, the latter being graphically illustrated by one of the worst
empty net defenses I have ever seen. But I jump way ahead so let us return to
the start of the game.
P1
opened and with only 1:10 on the clock Bison grabbed a go–ahead goal. Coach
Tait took possession of the puck and bore down on goal. He surged forward with a
velocity that would have impressed Usain Bolt, grace that Rudolph Nureyev would
have admired, and determination that would have been applauded by a bull in a
china shop, notwithstanding that bulls are incapable of clapping. The arena
lights glinted off his shiny black helmet like the Sun’s ray off the waters of
the Mississippi Delta (thanks for that image Paul Simon). Had he not been
wearing one the lights would have glinted off his bald head. But he was, so his
follically challenged dome remained unglinted off. Now came the first test of
the game for Ashley Smith in the piratical net. Could he stop what was coming?
Yes he could. He blocked the Tait shot, but, much to his very grave chagrin,
the puck rebounded off his rubberoid form in a fashion most ghastly (for him)
and there to sweep it over the line was Michal Klejna. Smith’s save percentage
had gone from not applicable to 100% to 50% in the time it took to say Oooo
Betty. 1-0 Bison.
The
second goal was a completely different kettle of fish. No poaching of mackerel
was involved for a start. But it was a goal of great beastliness for the Pirates
as was the first. It started with a chunderous giveaway, a piece of hockey
skill which lacked both skill and hockey. It was a veritable blunderous,
bungling boo-boo perpetrated by an incompetent nincompoop. What happened? Well a
D-man, passed the puck straight to Klejna, scorer of the first Bison goal,
Bison’s best player and the player who was best capable of taking down the
Pirates’ metaphorical trousers and giving them what for. Who was that D-man? I
shall decline to name him for two reasons. Firstly, I would wish to spare the
hapless chappie’s blushes and secondly, I don’t know who he was. What matters
is that the Slovak fellow, now in possession of the biscuit, advanced in a
netwards direction and then, with a twist of his wrists, unleashed a shot,
which flew past the wretched netman and into the net before he could say
“Blistering barnacles! I’ll see you hang from the highest yardarm, you swab” to
the dumkopff D-man who had given the puck away in the first place. 2-0 Bison
with only 3:18 gone.
Back
in 1994 D-Ream told us that things could only get better and this the Pirates
must have hoped was true. However, things got decidedly worse for them shortly
after. On 8:25 Chris Wilcox heard a shrill blast from the referee’s Acme
Thunderer. He must have been fearful that a 5 year stretch in Woomwood Scrubs
was coming for his stick holding offence, the stick in question being someone
else’s, not his own of course as that is perfectly legal. But no. Merely a 2
minute stretch in the penalty box awaited him. And he didn’t serve even that as
he was out in less than a minute not for good behaviour but when Bison bagged
another goal and thus brought to an end Wilcox’s punishment for his shameful deed.
The power play was a joy to watch by all assembled including Wilcox I am sure
with speed, passing and movement of breath-taking purple spectacularity,
drawing the Pirates’ D this way then that until they were puffed out, confused
and begging for mercy. Set up by Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones, Coach Tait
fired in a shot. Once again the infelicitous netman proved rubberoid and the
puck went as loose as a goose. Sean Norris, ruthlessly pounced on it with the
determination of a rodent control operative chasing a rabid stoat to deliver a
fatal blow and sent it over the line. It was turning into a
hooray-hotdog-hallelujah evening for Bison and a Prozac inducing one for Smith
and his team-mates. 3-0 Bison.
P1
ended and P2 started. It was as if someone flicked a switch and out came a
totally different Pirates team for the 2nd period. Could the team who had
played in the 1st been left in the locker room and a new one come out for the 2nd?
Of course that’s nonsense as the spatially challenged visitors’ locker room
just wouldn’t have comfortably accommodated 30-odd players, nor even 30 odd
players. But the Pirates had stepped up
a gear and played like a totally different team for the 2nd period, in which
they managed to pull back 2 goals. First on 29:53 Matt Bissonette found Matt
Davies, who passed across goal so quickly that Bison netman Alex “Mittens”
Mettam was completely pulled out of position. There at the back door was Bobby
Chamberlain to fire home and spoil it being a Matt goal as he is a Bobby not a
Matt (not even a Matt for a middle name, which is Colin by the way). 3-1 Bison.
“Well
that seemed to work quite well,” thought the Pirates. “Why don’t we try it
again?” And this they did, but with different personnel. On 31:26 Lee Bonner
scored their second, an almost identical goal, with Jason Hewitt and David
Norris acting as his assistants. 3-2 Bison.
There
were no more goals in P2 and so into P3 we passed with the Pirates looking to
continue their good form of P2 and snatch the game. Goaltender Smith was
looking better and by 47:24 he hadn’t conceded a goal for 38 minutes of play.
But he was still proving a trifle rubberoid, giving up a plethora of rebounds,
and his propensity to do this was to prove his undoing once again. Josh Kelly,
who shortly before had been knocked headfirst over the wall, an occurrence
which resulted in much merriment from himself and his team-mates, set up Coach
Tait and Klejna in an odd man rush, which for those not well versed in hockey
parlance means an attack where the forwards of one team outnumber the defenders
of the other, as opposed to being an attack delivered at great speed by an odd
man. Once again Tait moved forward in a manner which belied his 44 years. No
zimmer frame nor mobility scooter was required as he surged towards the
Pirates’ goal with the quicksilver fleet footedness (yes that is a real word)
of a man half his age. As the arena lights glinted off his skates like the
Sun’s rays off a National steel guitar (that’s one below and thanks again Paul
Simon), sinews strained, muscles pumped and perspiration broke out in an
attempt to get to goal before the Pirates’ D-men could catch him. They couldn’t
of course and he was left free to unleash a wrist shot. Goaltender Smith may
have had a feeling of impending doom as the puck left the geriatric coach’s
twig and flew towards him. But he need not have feared as he managed to save
it. Alas for the beleaguered custodian, however, jubilation was to immediately
turn to dejection, as Klejna smashed the rebounded biscuit past him sending his
spirits spiralling downward into the bubbling, steaming quagmire of despair.
4-2 Bison and a hat-trick for the Slovak fellow. Zim-zam-zaramango.
The
Pirates were fast entering the last chance saloon. With 1:18 left on the clock
the signal was given and Smith skated maniacally from his crease as if his life
depended on it. On came skater no. 6 and the Pirates sought to besiege the
Bison goal and pull back the two goal deficit. But to be successful in this
situation you need to keep the puck. Piratical attempts to achieve this were
lamentable as the 6 marauding Pirates behaved like a bunch of beer league
imbeciles in trying to keep the puck out of Bison hands. Their net became as
bombarded as a coconut shy as Bison were presented with one empty net chance
after another. Inaccurate shooting from the homesters saved the Pirate’s’ net
until with 14 seconds left Jones and Tait combined to set up Ryan Sutton with a
yawning mass of net as wide as the Grand Canyon to shoot at. He made no
mistake. The biscuit left his twig and shot over the line for 5-2 Bison and fat
lady singing.
All
that remained was for the election the Top Bananas. Lee Bonner grabbed the pirates’
treasure chest (actually only a box of beers), whereas the Bison award went to
Klenjna of course. The Pirates returned to the frozen wastes of the north suitably
bashed up.
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