Night of the Netmen

Bison 2 Leeds Chiefs 0

22/2/20

If you look back in history you will find a veritable cornucopia of incredible achievements by man. In 1909 Louis Blériot became the first man to fly across the English Channel......

..... in 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first men to conquer Mount Everest......

..... in 1969 Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the Moon.

 

The monumental task, with which I am faced, is how to write 1,500 words on a game with only two goals. I will have a go, dear reader, but I will almost certainly slide into the bubbling cesspool of failure and I hope I will be forgiven.

The visitors to Planet Ice last night were the Leeds Chiefs in their very first season. They languish at the bottom of the league, lower even than the Bracknell Bees, which is an achievement in itself, albeit an unwanted one, knowing how bad the Bees are (see previous reports to enjoy the veritable smorgasbord of trousers down spankings which Bison have doled out to their bumbling rivals). The Chiefs have only 11 wins from 40 games (now 41), but they are an embryonic outfit and I am sure we will see a vastly improved team next season, which cannot be said about the Bees, especially if they can hang on to their star man from last night’s game, namely goaltender Sam Gospel, who faced 40 shots and allowed (strange use of wording that – I mean it sounds so polite) only 2. Bison backers will remember that the Chiefs achieved a double header win when last at the Basingstoke Arena. Were they going to make it 3 out of 3? Well actually no they didn’t, as you will have gathered already from reading the score at the beginning of this report.

P1 opened and it was all Bison from start to finish. 14 shots were rained in on Gospel whereas at the other end, Alex “Mittens” Mettam was tested on only 2 occasions. Despite the bombardment of the Leeds net, the period produced only a single goal. This was scored on 13:33. Coach Tait away to the goal tender’s right found Sean “Eminem” Norris behind the goal line. Was the coach going to let the grass grow under his feet? Well, grass growing though the icepad is one thing we haven’t yet seen at our crumbling rink, but it could happen. The long-in-the-tooth coach cast aside any thoughts of what the ravages of time may have done to his creaking and indeed enfeebled 44 year old limbs. Indeed no, Matron. Coach Tait wasn’t going to let the grass, or anything else for that matter, grow under his feet. On his part there was no unconditional surrender, no slide into the quagmire of defeatism, no meek acceptance of the decrepitisation (OK that’s not a real word) of his crumbling form. He threw aside his Zimmer frame and advanced through the secondary crease. (If you are unaware of what the secondary crease is, ask the Bespectacled Youth – he’s researched it you know). Norris fired a lay it on a plate pass from behind the goal line into the path of the advancing geriatric. Perhaps Tait should have phoned the Police to report the Leeds’ D as missing persons, but he had no time. He smacked the puck home past a startled Gospel for his 20^th goal of the season. If there were any members of the aristocracy present (unlikely) they may have described the goal as spiffing, spanking, top drawer, wizard or capital. What ho? To the rest of us it was just a bloody good goal. 1-0 Bison. By the way anyone who has seen Ashley Tait play will know that above description of him is load of unadulterated claptrap, but hey! you don’t read these reports expecting accuracy do you? Why let the truth get in the way of a good story?

P1 ended with no further scoring, so into P2 we passed. We were to see an improved Leeds performance, but not by much. Offensively yes, but defensively no. They managed to quadruple their tally of shots on the Mettam net from P1, 8 in total, but the Yorkshireman (yes he’s actually from Sheffield, but, as far as I am aware, does not possess a cloth cap or a whippet) proved equal to all of them. Was he going to achieve something beginning with S? No-one dared to utter that word. At the other end Bison fired 16 shots at a frequently hung out to dry Gospel. Never mind the gospel according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. This was the Gospel according to Sam – the gospel of top notch goaltending as he stopped 15 of them. But alas for the beleaguered netman he was once again let down by chunderous defending. On 31:42 an attempted clearance out of defense met with a disaster, perhaps not as cataclysmic as the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 admittedly, but a calamity, a debacle and a catastrophe nevertheless. A Leeds D-man who I shall decline to identify, not to spare his blushes, but because I have no idea who he was, hoisted a clearance into the air. His heart must have sunk as a marauding Norris batted down the airborne puck, took control and skated across the goal, leaving the D-man for dead.....

Back in 1964 the Velvelettes released their classic Tamla Motown song “Needle in a Haystack”, in which they told us … 

“Findin' a good man, girls, is like findin' a

Needle in a haystack

What I say, girls?

Needle in a haystack

Shee-doop, wha-la, Shee-doop

Shee-doop wha-la”

Well Norris didn’t have a task half as difficult as finding a needle in haystack. All he had to do was find a team-mate to slam the puck into the net past the goaltender. However, facing the wrong way, he had to rely on telepathy and hope that one of his line mates had the fleet footedness and slippery eel-esque qualities to evade the Leeds D. His no look drop pass was indeed rewarded as there, charging forward with the speed of Kanazawa to Tokyo bullet train and displaying the enigmatic elusiveness of a jack-o'-lantern on a dark night, was Michal Klejna. The Slovak chap hammered home from the secondary crease, which is of course located in front of the primary crease (I’ve already told you to ask the bespectacled Youth about that). It was a Shee-doop, wha-la goal and by way of celebration a convulsive commotion characterised by a cacophony of caterwauling broke out in the Bison blocks. 2-0 Bison.

P2 ended without further scoring and a cumulative shot count of 30-10 in Bison’s favour. It had looked like plain sailing so far, but, as we know, 2 goals can be scored in the blink of an eye and the points were far from in the bag. But the Chiefs could not breach the defenses of Mettam in the final epoch and Gospel, who had played like the Berlin Wall in the first period and the gates of Fort Knox in the second, now displayed the impregnable qualities of the Iron Fortress of Rajsasthan (that's the gaff below) and shut out the Bison onslaught. The highlights of the period were Referee Brooks falling over, this evoking a cheer which reached a higher decibellular level than when Bison had scored, and Referee Jarvie picking up a discarded stick and skating along with it during active play as if to say, “Look here you Leeds chappies, I’m going to show you how to score a goal.” Thankfully he made no attempt to do so, as it transpired.

And so P3 ended with Bison very worthy winners by 2-0. Top bananas were appointed. Of course it was a netman’s night with Gospel and a save percentage of 95% carrying the day (evening) for the Chiefs and Mettam with the S-word which no-one dared to utter. Well done both of them.

P.S. OK only 1,330 words. Perhaps I should have taken on scaling Everest instead.

Bees Fall to Bison Onslaught ... Again

Bracknell Bees 4 Bison 7

2/2/20

The Bees must really hate Bison. In the last 2 seasons the teams have now met 10 times with Bison winning 8 and putting an avalanche of goals past the hapless icemen from Berkshire – last Sunday’s 7 brought the season’s total to 34 in 6 games. Ooo Betty. The bumbling Bees now languish one off the bottom of the table. Quite simply they are not very good.

Never mind all that let’s get on to the events of the night. P1 opened and within 2:37 Bison rejoiced in a 2-0 lead. On 1:23 the Bees’ D treated us to a demonstration of how chunderous and blunderous they could be. It was a cataclysmic disaster on a par with the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, as they failed to clear their lines. Sean “Eminem” Norris picked up the puck and shot. Danny Milton saved, but not well enough. The puck went straight to Michal Klejna, who scooped a short backhanded pass from under his feet back to Norris on the doorstep. He whipped it home and it was 1-0 Bison. As my compatriot cockneys might have said “Gor blimey, me ol’ China. Let’s celebrate with an Aris of pigs and a Ruby” – God blind me, my old mate. Let’s celebrate with a bottle of beer and a curry.

On 2:37 Bison broke out of defense. Adam Harding slipped the puck to Sam “Turbo” Talbot. In on goal he rifled a wrist shot which Milton saved, but once again the hapless netman proved rubberoid and the rebounded puck went straight into the path of Talbot who backhanded it in. Oh Lordy what a disaster for the Bees and in particular for the hapless netman, who so far had had both his rebounds put back past him. 2-0 Bison. Had my Welsh ancestors been present they might have said “Nawr mae yna hyfryd, Boyo. Gallai hyn droi i mewn i fflangellu arall-sef trowsus go iawn i lawr yn sboncio”  - Now there's lovely, boyo. This could turn into another flagellation - yes a veritable trousers down spanking.

The Bees pulled one back on 12:46 with Roman Malinik firing in a rebound from Harvey Stead’s shot. 2-1 Bison and things on the up for the Bees but not for long. Indeed no Matron. They had a chance to level it when Josh Smith was away on the breakaway from a stretch pass, but as he was shaping to shoot Stonewall Ollie Stone nicked the puck off his stick with a side swiping poke check. It was a miracle on a par with turning water into wine. What beastly luck for Smith.

Moments later on 17:11 it was 3-1 with a nearly all Alex goal. Alex “Mittens” Mettam swept the puck from the doorstep to Alex Sampford. Alex to Alex. Sampford could not find another player called Alex to pass to, so he rifled a long pass which eluded the inept Bees’ D and found Turbo Talbot racing forward. In on goal the slippery eel-esque Welshman bore down on Milton. The hapless goaltender made like a frog in a desperate attempt to smother the puck and save himself from further excruciating embarrassment, but he only succeeded in adding to it by committing himself. Forehand to backhand and in 3-1 Bison. It was fast turning into another chunderous evening at the hands of Bison for the Bees.

Would we see more of the same in P2? Yes we would. On 21:05, defending a power play with Elliott Dewey banged up for roughing, Mettam saved and Liam “Square Sausage” Morris, tidying up the loose puck, shovelled it to Coach Tait inside his own defensive zone. One could not help but admire the lean and lithe form of the follically challenged Bison coach as he precipitated forward in a manner most lissom and velocious. With Klejna up in support it looked like a square pass to bypass the two D-men would be the preferred choice. Do you have a concept of perfection? For me a fine example of this is Leo Fender’s Stratocaster guitar. The Strat is the most popular guitar of all time and worldwide. And yet it has been around since 1954. If you don’t believe me have a gander at the picture below - it's the great Buddy Holly with a Strat circa 1957. You could walk into a guitar shop and buy one exactly like that tomorrow, which illustrates what perfection in design Leo Fender achieved way back then. Tait, with a similar degree of perfection, whipped the puck glove side past Danny Milton, who by now must have been plunged into an unassuageable state of intolerable anguish. 4-1 Bison.

 

Give up a power play and score a shortie seemed to be a good Bison tactic, so on 26:05 Dewey returned to the glass house for holding the stick (presumably someone else’s). Alas on this occasion the tactic failed with the Bees scoring on the PP. Josh Ealey-Newman from Ed Knaggs from Dominik Gabaj. 27:31 on the clock and 4-2 Bison.

On 30:38 Harvey Stead tripped someone – I know not who that was. “Oi, geezer,” said the referee. “You can’t do that. 10 years in the Siberian salts mines for you.” Off went the ne’er-do-well. Bison went on the PP. Morris planted the puck around the boards. It reached Knaggs, who had a chance to clear but the dummkopf D-man fluffed it, allowing Harding to find Dangling Dick Bordowski out front and to Milton’s right. There have been many incredible successful quests throughout history. Mossad agents found Nazi war criminal Adolph Eichman in Argentina, Howard Carter and his team of archaeologists found Tutankhamun’s tomb and marine detectives found the wreck of the Titanic. Had all those involved in these historic finds been present at this moment and had they put together their expertise in a quest to find the Bees’ D it would have ended in a dismal failure. The D simply wasn’t there. An unchallenged Bordo had a quick dangle and then rifled the puck across the ice and in off Milton’s back stick. Had my Austrian ancestors been present they may have been moved to comment “Nehmen Sie, dass Sie inkompetent bummeln. Es ist ein weiteres im auge für aie. Holen sie sich etwas Prozac im nacken.” - Bad luck you bumbling incompetents. It's another one in the eye for you. Get some Prozac down your neck. 5-2 Bison.

Bison were not taking their foot off the gas. Oh no Matron. On 36:33 Coach Tait fired in a shot in a netwards direction and there was Harding dangling his twig in the path of the puck. We heard the distinct sound of rubber on taped fibreglass and the puck flew past Milton and into the net. 6-2 Bison.

Into P3 we moved and a disaster worse than the loss of the Titanic in 1912, the eruption of Vesuvius in AD79 and the Jiajing Great Earthquake of 1556 all rolled into one was about to befall the hapless hosts. They were about to concede another shortie, but not just any old shortie a 5 on 3 shortie. Oh Lordy! How on earth? With Tait and Harding both in the slammer for hooking the Bees had 10 seconds of a 5 on 3. From the face off the puck squirted to Klejna. He began a charge up ice from his own D zone with Ed Knaggs providing a  challenge no more threatening than an angry Chihuahua .....

....nibbling at the heels of a rhinoceros. Klejna’s progress was not impeded in any way as Knaggs proved nothing more substantial than an annoying fly except that he didn’t even annoy Klejna. In fact the “challenge” was so feeble that Klejna may not even have been aware that Knaggs was there at all. Ok enough on the ineptitude of the hapless Bees’ D-man. The Slovak chap ended his surge forward with a whipped wrist shot past Milton blocker side. Oh dear the ignominy of it all. A 3 on 5 shortie. Had my Polish ancestors been present they may have been moved to shout, “Oooo matronowy hokej Bison i jak zawstydzające dla was Pszczółka”. – Oooo matron hockey Bison and how embarrassing for you Bee fellows. (Oh come on I hear you say – Cockney, Welsh, Polish, Austrian? Actually yes all of those). 7-2 Bison.

Going into the last phase of the game the Bees managed to pull 2 goals back through Aiden Doughty and Dominik Gabaj to make the scoreline a bit more respectable at 7-4. Is a 7-4 defeat on your home ice respectable in any way?

Top Bananas were elected. Harvey Stead for the Bees and Gordon “George” Norcliffe for Bison. Bison’s MoM could have been Mettam yet again with an outstanding performance in the net and 2 goal assists. Perhaps he didn't get the award because he didn't score a goal.

Tait Drags Bison Back From the Apocalypse

Bison 4 London/Romford Raiders 3 (O/T)

1/2/20

What was the shortest war in history? It was the Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896, of course. It didn’t last for years, months, weeks, days or even hours. It was all over in 38 minutes when a naval bombardment on the Sultan’s palace (that’s the geezer’s gaff below after the bombardment) persuaded the Zanzibaris to surrender. In short they gave up. There is no similarity between Anglo-Zanzibar War and last night’s game between Bison and the Raiders because, despite being 0-3 down with 3:28 to play and their best player off the ice with a match penalty, Bison didn’t give up. Oh no matron. There was no Zanzibar-esque capitulation here. Bison won the game in the most dramatic fashion imaginable. But you, dear reader, will not have to use your imagination, as, if you read the following humble acount, you will become wholly appraised of the events of the night.

I will not dwell in great detail on the events of the first 46 minutes of the game. Eh? What sort of a match report is this? OK then just a bit.

The Raiders built themselves a 3-0 lead with a goal in each period. The first resulted from a stretch pass from former Bison skipper Aaron “Billy” Connolly to Brandon Ayliffe, who was in on goal and cleverly deked Alex “Mittens” Mettam to score. 1-0 Raiders. Ooo Betty.

We moved into P2 and on 35:06 violence of the most malodorous variety broke out. Basingstoke had not seen such violence since the great Temperance Riot of 1881. (Riot in Basingstoke? Oh yes. See footnote). It was difficult to tell exactly what happened, but, whilst several players went down the steps, others involved in the unsavoury proceedings got away without having their collars felt. When the dust settled Bison’s Michal Klejna had a 2+2 for fighting and a match penalty for slew footing, about which he was incredulous. This was subsequently overturned as there was absolutely no video evidence to support the decision. Oh Lordy! One wonders whether Stevie wonder could have made a a worse call. Mason Webster with a 2+2 for fighting, Callum Wells with a 2+10 and match for checking to the head and Jack Flynn with a 10 misconduct were the Raiders miscreants.

2 minutes later the Raiders scored again with an unfortunate deflection from Dancing Jay King past Mettam. Ayliffe was credited with Erik Piatak and J.J. Pitchley the assistants. 2-0 Raiders. Oh Lordy. Nothing was going right for Bison.

Into P3 we passed and into a 3-0 lead the Raiders moved. On 49:43 and on the power play, Ayliffe, assisted by Lukas Sladowski completed his hat-trick with a ballet-dancer-on-the-top-of-a-jewellery-box-esque twirl and back handed shot past Mettam. 3-0 Raiders. Flamin’ Nora.

As I put pen to paper to record the goal details, the Bespectacled Youth, who knows I write reports only when Bison win, asked “why are you bothering?” I replied “you never know.” Did I believe Bison were going to come back from the dead and win the game or was I was swilling around in the quagmire of defeatism as much as the next man. Put me in the stocks and throw rotten vegetables at me if you must, dear reader, but I am ashamed to admit I held the latter opinion. It was looking very much like one of those nights when nothing would go right. But then something did go right, although not in the manner we would have expected. Shortly after their 3^rd goal, Piatak thought he had bagged a 4^th, but, after consulting Honest Pete, the goal judge, the officials decided it hadn’t gone in. What may have happened was Piatak’s shot went in through the Mettam 5-hole, hit the goal frame and then came back out of the 5-hole and into the blue paint where Mettam smothered it. It was very difficult to see. No discredit to Honest Pete. You could search the world over in a quest for a comparable fine upstanding fellow of impeccable moral fibre, integrity and virtuosity and not find one (OK that might be a bit of an exaggeration). Had the goal been given it would have been 4-0 and Bison hopes of winning the game would surely have suffered a fate similar to that of Richard the Raker, a Mediaeval gong farmer, who in 1325 fell into a cess pit and drowned. What is a gong farmer? Well, dear reader, as you may be enjoying your breakfast, lunch or even an early tiffin as you read this report, I shall hold back from describing the utterly ghastly, revolting and degrading tasks which gong farmers had to perform. However, if you wish to appraise yourself of the details of what was probably the worst job ever invented, I have provided you with a link in footnote 2.

We moved into the final phase of this extraordinary game and what we were about to see was scarcely believable. However, I can assure you it actually happened. I know I have mentioned him a couple of times in previous reports, but the comeback from the brink of Armageddon  eclipsed anything Lazarus might have done in rising from the dead. There’s no other suitable analogy. So, having suffered 46 minutes of unadulterated agony, worse than having pins driven into our eyeballs, we were about to experience an 8 minutes which propelled the Bison backers onto a new plane of Nirvana. Conversely it was 8 minutes of ravine of doom plunging beastliness for the Raiders, who must have thought the spoils were theirs.

On 56:32 with Ollie Baldock banged up for interference, Bison bagged what looked like a consolation goal. Ryan Sutton to Gordon “George” Norcliffe, who slipped a pass to Coach Ashley Tait. In 1899 American poet William Hughes Mearnes penned a curious little poem entitled Antigonish, the first verse of which is :

Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today, oh how I wish he'd go away

Perhaps Mearns had the Raiders’ D in mind when he wrote the poem as, like the man upon the stair, quite simply they weren’t there. Tait had all the time in the world to skate across the crease unchallenged and propel the puck past the pad of Ethan James and into the net. 3-1 Raiders.

Bison tails were up and only 36 seconds later it was 2-3. A delayed penalty was called, occasioning the exit of goaltender Mettam. He bolted for the bench as if his life depended on it. If he was actually thinking that his life did depend on it, he must be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia because it didn’t really. Over the wall came skater no.6 and Bison mounted a Zanzibar War-esque bombardment on the Raiders’ net. Tait to Liam “Square Sausage” Morris to fellow Caledonian D-man Dancing Jay King. Ever heard of Dave Tutt? Of course you haven’t. Well he was the first man to be killed in a gunfight by the legendary Wild Bill Hickok, not to be confused with Alfred Hitchcock, who is someone completely different. It is believed this was the very first “quick draw” gunfight where antagonists start with holstered weapons. The duel took place on 21st July 1865 in Springfield, Missouri. The two stood sideways to each other and Hickok nailed Tutt with a single shot from his 1851 pattern Navy Colt cap and ball revolver at 75 yards! Even if the range was exaggerated (well it is a tale from the Wild West so it’s bound to be), it was incredibly accurate shooting. And with a similar degree of accuracy, King wiggled his twig and whipped a pinpoint accurate wrist shot high into the net from the hash marks. 2-3 Raiders.

Dave Tutt and Wild Bill Hickok

The 1851 Pattern Navy Colt cap and ball revolver

Bison had 2:52 to snatch a levelling score. Surely they couldn’t? There was an explosion of noise from the crowd, attaining new decibelular levels as their wall of sound encouraged their icemen forward. Time was ticking away. Surely all was lost as we entered the last few seconds. But fie and pish. With a mere 3.6 seconds left on the clock it was all square. An on the doorstep Tait poked in with Dangling Dick Bordowski and Adam Harding assisting. In 1959 Rosco Gordon (that’s him below) had a huge R & B hit with “Just a little bit”, a song later also recorded by a myriad of artists including Elvis Presley. In the song Gordon urges the object of his affections to “turn your lights down low, honey, slip me a kiss, turn your lights down low, I beg you, I can’t resist.” All he wanted was an “eeny-weeny bit, a teeny-weeny bit” of her (could have been his) love. Tait’s goal brought the opposite reaction from the goal judge. He didn’t turn his light down low, he put it on full blast to indicate it was a goal. 3-3. It was a comeback of gargantuan magnitude. Ooo Matron!

And so into overtime we passed. This was dominated by Bison with 7 shots on goal to the Raiders’ 1 and a penalty to each side. As we lolloped towards a penalty shoot out Bison snatched it on the power play with a mere 1.6 seconds left on the clock. Adam Jones provided an Ooo Mr. Rigsby pass to Tait who laid lumber to biscuit and fired the puck goalwards. The last thing James wanted to do was give up a rebound, but, much to his very grave chagrin, he proved rubberoid on this occasion and there on the doorstep was Dangling Dick. No need for a dangle on this occasion, he just needed to smash it in and this he did. 4-3 Bison and game won. Arms were thrown aloft, hats were propelled to the rafters, banshee-esque cries rent the air, donkeys brayed, grown men burst into tears and ladies of delicate constitution fainted and had to be revived with smelling salts. Holy Guacamole, blistering Biriyanis and Hell’s bells and buckets of blood! What a wacko-the-diddle-o comeback. You could watch a thousand hockey games in a hundred countries and see nothing like this ever again. As for the Raiders, they must have thought they had it in the bag only to have the sweet smell of success wafted away from their nostrils in the cruellest fashion imaginable. You have to feel sorry for them. No? OK maybe not. All’s fair in love and hockey I suppose.

Top bananas were chosen. Netman Ethan James was considered best Raider and Coach Tait with 2 + 2 was elected top Bison.

Footnote 1 : In 1881 Basingstoke boasted 3 breweries and 50 pubs and the mayor, W.B. Blatch, was a brewer. On March 27^th of that year over 1,000 people took part in The Battle of Church Square, as local brewery workers, publicans and assorted blackguards and ne’er-do-wells, many of whom were drunk it is said, sought to break up a Salvation Army march preaching against the evils of alcohol. As the town, so one London newspaper described it was ‘populated chiefly by a set of barbarians’ (still true today?), the Salvation Army didn’t have much of a chance. No-one was killed, but bones were broken, windows were smashed and it was Brewers 1 Sally Army 0.

Footnote 2 : Gong farming - https://bendgong.wordpress.com/category/gong-farming/the-gong-farmer-of-the-middle-ages-and-tudor-england/