Fumbling Phantoms Falter and Fail

Bison 6 Peterborough Phantoms 0

18/9/21 

On June 25^th, 1876 a dreadful massacre occurred on the banks of the Little Bighorn. A combined force of  Lakota, Northern Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors under the command of Crazy Horse surrounded and annihilated to a man a force of US 7th Cavalry troopers under the command of George Armstrong Custer (that’s him below). It was, of course, what became to be known as (as well as being grossly inaccurately portrayed) Custer’s last stand. What we saw at Planet Ice last night was a massacre of similar one sided proportions, although thankfully no-one was killed.  What on earth has happened to the Phantoms? The team we saw last night looked a shadow of the strong competitive team that nearly won the league in 2016 (pipped by Bison) and 2018 (pipped by Bison). Bison cruised to a shutout victory with the greatest of ease, as I shall relate in the forthcoming paragraphs. I would urge you, dear reader, to read on.

P1 opened. There were no goals. P1 closed. What more is there to say?

P2 opened and it didn’t take Bison long to open the scoring and start the agonising slide of the Phantoms down the greasy pole to reach their place of inconsolable, Prozac popping wretchedness by the end of a match which will haunt them for all eternity (OK that last bit might be a trifle exaggerated). What about the goal? Oh yes. On 23:18 a stretch pass so enormous that even Stretch Armstrong would have been impressed (Stretch who? See below) was delivered by Brendan Baird to the Phantoms’ blue line. There lurked Adam Harding, who took possession of the biscuit and set forth in a goalwards direction. The Phantoms’ D had been caught with their trousers down, but thankfully not literally so there was no public outrage. Nevertheless they were out to lunch, out of sorts and out for the count as Harding bore down on the hapless Jordan Marr, custodian of the ghostly net. Harding whipped an unstoppable wrist shot past the unfortunate Caledonian. Well it may have been stoppable, but not by Marr. The net bulged and it was 1-0 Bison. A goal of great ghastliness for the ghostly visitors to concede. It had been ghoulish defending. It was Bison’s first competitive goal for a year and a half. The crowd showed their approbation. Had there been any vicars present, they may have shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”, although it is unlikely that the Almighty had anything to do with the goal, but Baird and Hallum Wilson had and they were awarded assists.

Not content with a one goal lead (well why should they be?), Bison surged further ahead on 27:39. Alex Sampford scrapped for the puck on the boards, won it and then thought he had become Lionel Messi. He kicked the puck forward with great accuracy to Harding, who charged forward over the blue line with Gordon “George” Norcliffe in support in a 2 on 1. The 1 didn’t hinder the 2 at all as Harding slewed an across the crease pass to Norcliffe. We heard the thwack of stick tape on rubber and the puck flew past the despairing netman. His life was turning into a nightmarr (Credit where credit’s due - Red Leader came up with that one – awful isn’t it?) Marr had been left exposed once more. However, from the Bison perspective it was a goal of great artistry, which had the crowd shouting “HOLY MACKEREL!” and “JUMPING JEHOSOPHT ON A POGO STICK!” and similar exclamations in recognition of the spectacularity of the shot. 2-0 Bison.

3-0 followed 2-0 in quick succession. Just over a minute after goal 2 more unspeakable blue line ineptitude from the visitors allowed Alex Roberts, set up by Paul Petts, to slip the puck past Marr on the doorstep. Zack Milton with the second assist. The Bison crowd trumpeted their approval at an elephantine level of noise.

By now Coach Koulikov must have been popping the Prozac as he watched with cringing embarrassment the chunderous defending of his team. There seemed no answer to a rampant Bison. However, the Phantoms did hold out for the remaining 11 minutes of the period and must have been relieved when the end of second buzzer sounded, as indeed it inevitably did – on 40:00 in case you are wondering.

P3 opened and very soon the crowd were treated to a moment of great comedic value. Just like a man who had been on a 3 day bender in the company of Jack Daniels, Glen Fiddich and Captain Morgan and had then been hit on the head with a baseball bat, Ref Matthews lost his balance and fell to the ice in a most ignominious fashion. The combined efforts of Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers, Tommy Cooper and Mr. Bean could not have produced a greater piece of slapstick comedy – or at least so the crowd appeared to think. The embarrassment suffered by Mr. Matthews can only be imagined.

Back to the more important issue of the outcome of the game. The calculation was simple. 3 goals and the Phantoms would be on level terms. And indeed 3 goals were scored. Much to the very grave chagrin of the apparitional visitors, however, it was Bison who bagged them, starting on 46:29. Adam ”Oh no not Jonesy” Jones set up fellow D-man Brendan Baird for a clapper. He, the latter, brought his lumber down and propelled the biscuit goalwards. The shot was blocked, but the puck fell invitingly in front of the crease to Alex Sampford, who turned and slotted it past Marr. Ref Matthews flat-handedly pointed at the net whilst keeping his feet – a fine example of multi-tasking from this dangerously unstable official. 4-0 Bison.    

Worse was to come for the spectral visitors, who were clearly scaring no-one by this juncture. On 49:33 Corey McEwen tripped Liam Morris. “Oi Geezer! I saw that. You’re gonna do porridge,” said Mr. Matthews or words to that effect. The errant Phantom entered the box with a remit to reflect on his inappropriate conduct and hopefully emerge a reformed character 2 minutes later. Alas his period of reflection and contrition was cut short as less than a minute later Coach Ashley Tait hammered in at the back door (assists to Jones and Milton). Don’t ask me to describe the goal – I wasn’t looking. 5-0 Bison.

The Phantoms’ night of misery and dejection was not yet over. The same combination for goal 5 worked goal 6. The goal caused the traveling Phantoms’ fans to spiral downwards into a dark place where depression, hopelessness and melancholia abounded. There was only 1 bottle of Prozac left in the away block and fights broke out amongst the fans for its contents (OK I might be exaggerating a little here). Goal no. 6 was another power play goal. On 50:15 Thomas Barry (not to be confused with Barry Thomas, Hackney Hawks speedway rider from the 70s – Honest Pete will remember him) was adjudged guilty of a trip. The dictionary defines trip as “a voyage or journey made by a boat, train, bus or the like between two points”. This clearly not what Barry did, although he was invited by Ref Matthews to make a voyage to the penalty box in consequence. No conveyance of any sort was available, so Barry had to go to the cooler under his own steam. And there he sat for 1:58.

A mere 2 seconds remained on the penalty and it looked as if the Phantoms might be successful in defending the PP. However, Jones, Tait and Milton had other ideas with the latter slotting in on the doorstep. 6-0 Bison.

The clock ran down and no-one dared to even whisper the word beginning with “S”. At 60:00 the final buzzer sounded, the shut out had been achieved and the Little Bighorn-esque massacre was complete. Oh dear Phantoms.

Top bananas were elected. The Bison choice was a difficult one. Alex “Mittens” Mettam with a shut out? Adam “Oh no not Jonesy” Jones with 3 assists – points scoring D-men don’t grow on trees, unlike money? No it was Zack “Paradise Lost” Milton with 1 goal and 2 assists and now a box of beers. Best Phantom was the incredibly speedy Morgan Clarke-Pizzo.