Doughty Double Does It

Bison 3 Raiders 2

11/9/21

O Joy! Planet Ice is still standing. Do the steps slope more than they did 18 months ago? Or have we forgotten how much they sloped already? Who knows? What we do know for sure is that hockey has returned! And on Saturday night our creaking shed was packed to the gunwhales, except those areas closed off to the public for fear of a structural collapse. We had all come to see the season opener – a friendly with the London/Romford Raiders. Well I say “friendly”, although, as you will become aware if you read on, dear reader, events at the end of P2 threatened to rebrand this fixture an “unfriendy”. But, as usual, I jump ahead. Let us return to the beginning of the game – P1 opened……

Bison broke the deadlock on 10:43. Alex Roberts robbed a dilatory and dithering D-man of the puck on the blue line. I shall decline to name the D-man, not because I wish to spare his blushes, but because I don’t know who he was. The Canadian fellow slewed a diagonal pass to the man sporting the best Irish name I have heard since I worked with Mick O’Toole on a building site in 1979. Of course it was Aidan Doughty. The Irishman (actually he was born on the Isle of Wight not the Emerald Isle, but why let that prevent a plethora of Irish references in forthcoming reports) unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot past Brad Windebank, the despairing Raiders goaltender. The puck crashed into the net with such force that, had it been as flimsy as Ena Sharples’s hair net (that famous Coronation Street battle-axe - see below), it would have passed through and travelled all the way to Dublin. But the Bison goal nets are made of stern stuff and this did not happen. The net merely bulged. 1-0 Bison and no more scoring in the period.

Bison began P2 hoping to increase their lead, but, much to their very grave chagrin, the Raiders levelled it up instead. On 21:15 ex-Bison man Desperate Dan Scott found another ex Bison man Aaron “Billy” Connolly. Billy, who won everything at Bison, but very little at the Raiders (in fact nothing at all) executed an oh so familiar Connolly move, cutting in from the right wing and whipping a shot past Alex “Mittens” Mettam in the Bison net. 1-1. The handful of Raiders fans who had made the trip attempted to emulate the shock waves generated by the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883, which circled the planet 7 times. Alas not only did their cheering not circumnavigate the globe seven times nor once, it couldn’t even be heard in Block C, but never mind. Perhaps they would have an opportunity to do better if the Raiders scored again.

Bison restored their lead before the period had drawn to a conclusion. On 23:07 Rio Grinnel-Park was deemed guilty of a crosscheck. Whether he was cross at the time he committed the check, only he can confirm. It mattered not. Referee Brooks blew a thunderous blast from his Acme Thunderer and exclaimed “Oi matey! You can’t do that. You’re going down the steps”. And indeed down the steps he went, albeit only metaphorically, as the way to the penalty box from the ice is actually up one step. It matters not a jot how many steps and in which direction were involved. The end result was that Grinnel-Park was banged up. Bison went on the power play and managed to take advantage of the 5 on 4 with the clock on 24:25. If you are curious to find out how, read on.

A lightning attack involving Roberts and Zack “Paradise Lost” Milton displayed such artistry that, if it had had static physical form, you could have hung it in the Tate. They cut the Raiders D to ribbons as effectively as a scorned girlfriend would scissor up your best Savile Row suit. The set up pass was to Doughty steaming in from the left wing with only Windebank to beat. It called for a top ched screamer and this is precisely what the much larger than a leprechaun forward produced. He whipped an unstoppable shot past the head and shoulder (nothing to do with dandruff shampoo) of the hapless goaltender. 2-1 Bison. The Bison backers exploded and attempted to show the Raiders’ fans how to properly emulate the eruption of Krakatoa. They did their best but a 7 times circling of the earth with their shock waves was not achieved. Goal no.2 for Doughty and Irish eyes must have been smiling.

The period ended with scenes of the most appalling violence, more than the Battle of Waterloo (1815), the Cawnpore Massacre (1857) and the first day of the Somme (1916) combined. It started with Alex Mettam being given a snow shower by Tom Relph as he, the former, covered the puck in his crease. Liam “Square Sausage” Morris quite rightly took exception to this and attempted to extract an apology from Relph. The latter clearly was not going to offer one up, so Morris decided to knock the errant fellow’s block off instead. A scene of the most virulent violence erupted. The crowd were on their feet wallowing in blood lust and shouts of “KILL ‘IM” were heard emanating from Block C. Possibly exhortations to Morris to commit serious atrocities on Relph were made elsewhere also, but I heard none. Meaty blows were exchanged until finally the officials stepped in to call a halt to the proceedings. The pugilists skated off, doubtless hoping that the officials hadn’t noticed and no censure would be forthcoming. They were mistaken. The contretemps had been difficult not to see, even for the myopic officials, and each miscreant received a 5 minute fighting penalty with the errant Relph an additional 2 minutes for “unsportsmanlike conduct”. You bet it was.

And so into the final period we passed. The game was evenly poised, but not for long. On 47:16 Lukas Sladovsky got cross and was called for checking. “I’m the man with the tin star,” said Ref Matthews, “and you can either get out of Dodge or go to the penalty box”. It is doubtful that Sladovsky even realised he was in Dodge in the first place, so he chose to go to the box, hoping for a 2 minute feet up rest while his colleagues defended the power play. Alas they failed and he was out in only 5 seconds. The puck was worked back and forth across the Raiders’ goal. Brendan Baird (I wonder if he has as many superstitions as his brother Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird) lurked on the point with stick raised. He brought it down with the blade hitting the ice just behind the puck. The stick bent and straightened (OK I couldn’t actually see that from Block C) and thwacked the biscuit to make it fly in a goalwards direction. Windebank may have had the shot covered, but he never had the pleasure of finding out because, before it reached him, a twig was dangled and the biscuit changed direction and was past him before he could say “Jack Robinson”, although I am not sure he would have wanted to say that anyway. The twig dangler was Alex Sampford. Goal no.1 of the season for him. A second assist to Liam Morris. 3-1 Bison.

Bison were now comfortable, but as we know as 2 goal lead can be lost in as little time it takes to say Jack Robinson (oh no not him again). A further 10 minutes passed with the Raiders trying desperately hard to reduce the arrears, but to no avail. Then suddenly they did just that with Erik Piatak whipping a pinpoint accurate shot past Mettam, who had delivered a stellar performance in the Bison net and had stopped all manner of goalbound shots until then. Dan Scott was once again identified as assistant. 3-2 Bison and all to play for in the last 2:44.

The Raiders threw their all into a final effort. Time was running out and a last desperate throw of the dice was needed. They were in the last chance saloon and they would have to pull their goaltender. The signal was made and Windebank skated off at such speed that I thought he was being chased by a rabid stoat. However, no such creature could I see. A 6 on 5 ensued, but yielded no benefit. The final buzzer sounded and it was Goodnight Vienna for the Raiders.

Men of the Match were elected. Bison’s best was adjudged to have been Aidan Doughty and the Raiders’ top banana was Aaron “Billy” Connolly.