Thompson’s Tremendous Treble Trumpets Titanic Triumph

Bison 8 Bracknell Bees 1

17/9/16

In Greek mythology, Icarus and his father Daedalus attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. Daedalus warned his son not to fly too high or the sun's heat would melt the wax holding the feathers together. Alas Icarus ignored his father's instructions whereupon the wax in his wings melted and he fell to an ignominious doom into the sea. Ayeeee! The moral of the story is over confidence can lead to disaster. Could the Icarus factor have explained Bison’s downfall last weekend with 2 defeats to open the EPL season? Maybe, maybe not. If you are one of my regular readers you will realise I know nothing about hockey, so who am I to judge.

So we come to last night’s game. What better chance did Bison have of making amends for their chunderous first weekend than entertaining the Bracknell Bees, last season’s bottom of the pile team, a team with numerous changes and a load of new unproven imports. And the homesters took full advantage and dished out a sound flagellation.

The game opened and Bison had no intention of hanging around. Early pressure paid off with a goal on 3:37. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds burst forward on a rare attacking foray over the blue line. His shot was blocked, but Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson picked up the puck wide of the goal and whipped in a wristy. The aristocrat in Block A was moved to shout, “Oh Crickey. Ghastly defending, but a frightfully good goal. Top hole you chappies.” 1-0 Bison.

However, much to the chagrin of the aristocrat, the Bison lead was short lived. Only 31 seconds of play elapsed before the Bees bumbled back with an equalising score. Bison looked half asleep, wide open and out to lunch as Alex Barker centred for Luka Basic to drive in from in front of the net. Oh dear Bison. Icarus, Icarus, ICARUS! Was that mythological birdman rearing his ugly head once more?

Bison had to play fruitlessly for nearly 10 minutes more before retaking the lead with a power play goal on 13:48. Lukas Smital was called for slashing. You would have hoped that the player/coach would have set a better example, but no. He was lucky that the referee was Dave Cloutman not Hanging Judge Jeffries on this occasion and it was only 2 minutes in the penalty box for him. Don’t ask me to describe the goal – all I saw a big bundle in front of the net. On came the red light and it was 2-1 Bison. The scorer was announced as Dan Davies. Had the announcer been Michael Caine he might have added “not a lot of people know that” as I suspect most of crowd had no idea who it was who had put the puck in the net. Long Ciaron Long was declared to have been Desperate Dan’s assistant.

Another goal arrived less than a minute later. The 3rd goal was a completely different kettle of fish to the 2nd. No poaching of mackerel was involved for a start. Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and Dan “The Specs” Lackey were the lackeys on this occasion. Baird passed to his lackey, Lackey, whose movement forward was presto, pronto, chop-chop, schnell and rápido. He centred to an unmarked Tommo. Shaun “The Sheep” received the puck wide of the goal, picked his spot and rifled home a top shelfer past a stunned Alex Mettam, who clattered into the goal frame and caused it to leave its moorings. “Not soon enough,” said Ref Cloutman as he flat handedly pointed at the net. “The puck was already over the line”. 3-1 Bison.

P1 ended and P2 opened and it wasn’t long before Bison put themselves in an even more commanding position. On 45:56 Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov weaved his magic (silly expression really – you can weave cloth, but how can you weave magic?) behind the goal line and then picked out Kurt “The Scissors” once more marauding forwards. He picked up the puck and sent in a too-hot-to-handle wristy, which Mettam saved, but spilled. Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack was there to stab in the rebounded rubber. His sister Amy resisted the temptation to punch the air in celebration, which was just as well as she was one of the linesmen (should that be linespersons?) and it wouldn't have looked appropriate. 4-1 Bison.

It was looking like a hopeless cause for the Bees, but they didn’t give up the ghost and, with defending more concrete than wet paper bag in character, they kept Bison out for most of the rest of the period. However, all good things must come to an end, just as everything which goes up must come down (just ask Sir Isaac Newton about that one) and their resolute Great Wall of China-esque resistance terminated in a most ignominious fashion with a Long Ciaron Long wrap-around goal in the 38^th minute. Petr Polodna’s shot was saved by Mettam, but Long Ciaron picked up the puck, passed around the back of the goal and prodded it in between Mettam and post. The goaltender may not have been homeless, but he was hapless, helpless and hopeless on this occasion. 5-1 Bison.

So we moved into P3 with the Bees on the wrong end of a chunderous scoreline. Let us consider a scenario. Would the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A sell his Chippendale chairs for a tenner a throw? He might if his house was on fire, his contents insurance had run out and his neighbour was offering him £10 for each. That would be what we call “damage limitation”. And that’s exactly what the Bees had to practice to avoid being on the end of an embarrassing flagellation. They failed. Damage became more damage and, as the Rabble Rouser’s chairs burned, just like Rome did as Nero fiddled, so the Bees chances of keeping the score respectable smouldered, caught fire and ended up burned to a cinder. Blistering Biriynais!

5-1 became 6-1 on 45:46 as Polodna’s pass enabled Stuart “The Cat” Mogg to burst forward and feed Matt Towlaski. The man, who sounds like a Russian import but isn’t either Russian or an import, proved he is more than just a corner grinder by whipping a wrist shot past the luxuriantly bearded but follically challenged Mettam. Another former Bee to join Thompson and Lack on the scoresheet.

6-1 became 7-1 some 3 minutes later. Fed by Moggie, Long Ciaron fired a shot goalwards and there was Shaun “The Sheep” to direct it home past a startled Mettam. It was a wacko-the-diddle-o moment for Tommo – a hat trick to his name and against his old team. His brother Carl resisted the temptation to leave the Bees’ bench and join in the congratulations. That wouldn’t have looked good.

7-1 became 8-1 on 49:21 with a Karpov special. The Czech chap picked up the puck from Desperate Dan Davies and, as Shakespeare might have said, …. “didst moveth f'rward with the elusivity of a slipp'ry eel”. Well he would have slipped through the defence like a slippery eel had there been any. Alas the Bees’ D were conspicuously absent and no slippery or eel-esque qualities were required by Karpov to move into a scoring position. This he did, picked his spot and whipped in a top shelf wrist shot past Mettam and his beard. 8-1 Bison and the Bees facing a bigger calamity than Calamity Jane herself.

Could Bison go on to record double figures? A couple of goals past a woeful Bees team looked possible or even probably, but it was not to be as the Bees, although caught with their trousers down, were not going to allow themselves to be spanked. At last they jumped on the damage limitation wagon and kept Bison at bay for the last 10 minutes. In fact they pressed very hard in the last few minutes in an attempt to bag a second goal. And why not? An 8-2 defeat would look better than an 8-1 defeat, albeit not by much. However, to breach the Bison defence was proving as difficult as it would be to cut through the crust of a two-month-old British Rail pork pie using a plastic knife and fork. They failed in the former and it must remain a matter of speculation as to whether or not any of them tried the latter.

The final buzzer sounded and it was all over. Bison’s Top Banana was, of course, Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson with Josh Tetlow picking up the MoM beers for the Bees. A resounding win for Bison and no sign of Icarus.

RIP Alex Collins

Sad news received on Friday that Alex had died suddenly at the age of 87. Alex was a stalwart of Block C for many years, supporting Bison through thick and thin. He appeared in my reports as The Man from MI5. He was a great sport and had no problem with my creating this absurd imaginary persona out of him. Dressed as always in his mac he reminded me of someone from a John Le Carré spy novel and this inspired me to write nonsense of this sort:

“The puck flew high into the net. “Not even the Berlin wall could have stopped that,” thought the Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C.”

“The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, needed a drink to calm his nerves, but alas the Planet Ice refreshments counter could not serve him a Martini (shaken not stirred).”

Cheerio Alex. We’ll all miss you. I’m sure you will be observing incognito from somewhere else.

 

Ooo Betty!

Bison 1 Telford Tigers 4

9/9/16

The 2016-17 season opened with the clash of the last two EPL champions. The Tigers were looking to stop a run of 4 successive flagellations at Planet Ice. With a 4-1 win they kicked off their season in fine fettle and must have high hopes of improving significantly on their under achievement last season, which brought no trophies and only a 4^th place finish in the EPL. As for Bison, it was an Ooo Betty night. They will have many easier games this season and hey! there are another 53 games to go.

On 4:30 the Tigers took the lead. A raking diagonal pass out of defence by Jonathon Weaver found Michal Satek on the right wing. He moved forward and centred for an incoming Matt Davies to outmuscle the Bison D-man and bundle the puck over the line. 1-0 Tigers.

The travelling Tigers supporters enjoyed 7 minutes of joy as their team held on to their lead. However, that all changed on the stroke of 12 minutes. A sonorous blast emanated from Ref Matthews’s whistle. He held up 4 fingers and 2 thumbs. Too many men on the ice was the call. Perhaps one of them had been Greg Clarkson who is so colossal he looks like 2 men. Into the box went someone or other to serve the bench minor. 33 seconds later Bison had levelled it. An attempted clearance out of defence was deflected into the air by Petr Polodna. The puck was then batted down to the ice by Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer. He slewed a cross ice pass to Long Ciaron Long, who shaped to shoot, didn’t, then did. The puck flew across the goaltender and in top shelf. Had Geoffrey Chaucer been present and a Bison fan he might have announced to those around him - “Mi herrt ys full of joye. Good and gentil folke of Olde Basing - if ye be on twytter, I do invyte yow to poost the excitinge newes wyth a hashtagge and tell of yower fayre and mirthful celebracion wyth the manye folke of yower hockye familye”. It was 1-1.

Bison were, however, unable to break through further and, as the period drew to a conclusion, it was the Tigers who took control of the game and scored a couple of goals, which propelled them into an impressive lead and a dominating position. First on 17:04 former Bison Sam Zajac found Matt Davies who centred for Satek to score. 2-1 Tigers. Then, with Jake “the Peg” Bartoň on the naughty boys’ step for tripping, the Tigers bagged their third. Zajac passed to Satek, newly signed from the Manchester Phoenix, for whom he poached a plethora of points last season. Satek set up Rick Plant just inside the blue line. Plant planted the puck in the net with a long range wrist shot. One can only assume that Bison goaltender Tomas Hiadlovsky was screened as the puck sailed in from a long way out. Amongst the Bison crowd some shouted “Holy cow!” Others “Holy makerel!” Others still “Holy Guacamole!” The tigers were taking a 3-1 lead into the interval.

It had been a chunderous period for the home team. Although outshot by only 6-9 the period had been much more one sided that that suggests. Bison had been second best in all aspects. They had to do three things in P2. Firstly, they had to shut down Satek, who was on 1+2. Secondly, they had to tighten up their D work. Thirdly, they had to get men in front of the net to sweep up the gift wrapped opportunities which were being present in the form of rebounding rubber off Tigers’ netman, Ondrej Raszka. As it proved they achieved the first two, but not the third, as I shall relate, dear reader.

We saw a much improved Bison in the 2^nd, but, much to the chagrin of the Bison backers, the Tigers’ goal was proving as impregnable as a trench on the Somme, protected by barbed wire entanglements with machine guns and artillery respectively raking and bombarding no-mans-land in front of it. Bison failed to breach their defences and had to rely on a massive hit by Petr Polodna on Dan Scott, which threatened to bring down the building (that wouldn’t have been difficult), as the highlight of the period.  Luckily for Scott, he is seemingly of robust bodily construction as he was able to absorb the titanic force of Polodna’s body check, albeit with a degree of discomfort I am sure. However he clearly didn’t like the hit, which was perfectly legal, and moments later assaulted Polodna in a fashion perfectly illegal and ended up having his collar felt. But Bison could not take advantage of the 5 on 4.

As the period drew to a close with a frustrated Bison unable to break through, the Tigers hammered another nail into their coffin with their 4^th goal. On 38:01 Warren Tait and Phil Hill combined to set up Macauley Haywood for a shot. Hiadlovsky blocked his first effort, but the puck went straight back to Heywood who put it in from a very tight angle. 4-1 Tigers and hats off to them. That was only their 13^th shot on goal and they had bagged 4 goals.

P3 was played out in much the same way as P2 with Bison pressing, but falling short and goaltender Raszka giving up rubber. Late in the period Antonov’s shot was saved by the Czeck goalie chap, but the puck spilled out in front of the goal. Screws can be loose, cannons can be loose and, I am told, women can be loose. In this case it was the puck which was loose. Loose as a goose in fact. But Bison could not put it through the pipes. Moments later another shot was blocked by Raszka. The puck dropped to the ice in front of the crease as before and a mêlée of enormous, gargantuan, colossal, stupendous, gigantic and brobdingnagian (yes that is a real word) proportions developed. Once again the Tigers’ defence managed to eventually clear it and the scoreboard remained at 1-4.

Sad to relate the highlight of the period for the Bison backers was not a goal, but another incident, this time an unseemly altercation of the most opprobrious variety. Balmer and Heywood came together after the former had punched or pushed the latter (opinions varied). The blood lust of the crowd must have come from watching too many films of the calibre of “Django Unchained”, “The Wild Bunch” and “Cannibal Holocaust”. There was much whoopin’ and a hollerin’ from the crowd, but, alas, their insatiable craving for violence remained unfulfilled as in steamed the officials and doled out penalties to the would be pugilists without a meaty punch being thrown.

The final buzzer sounded as the clock ticked away to 0:00 remaining in the period and Bison backers were left to muse over their heaviest home ice defeat for quite some time. Never mind. It’s a long season and one swallow does not make a summer. The election of the Top Bananas is all that remained. The award of boxes of beers to Satek for the Tigers and Bison’s General Grant Rounding rounded off the proceedings.

Fog on the Tyne is All Mine All Mine

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 1

3/9/16

Remember Randy Crawford? She had a big hit in 1981 with a cover of the song “Rainy Night in Georgia”. Well parallels can be drawn with last night’s season opener pitching the league champions Basingstoke Bison against the EPL Cup and Playoff winners the Guildford Flames – we had a “foggy night in Basingstoke”. The less said about the farce of the structurally defective building, the foggy icepad and perpetually steamed up plexi, which rendered the game unwatchable from several of the blocks, the better. Everyone who was there knows what I am talking about. Planet Ice – sort it! It was an embarrassment. Anyway there was actually a game played, despite the fact that many people who were there probably saw as much as those who were not there at all. Hopefully, my humble account will render those whose optical experience was severely impinged upon slightly better informed concerning the proceedings of the night.

Down went the puck and P1 opened. It took Bison just under a minute to snatch the lead. They had hardly allowed the Flames out of their half with a tactic of aggressive forechecking. And it paid off when Stuart “The Cat” Mogg fired in a shot from just inside the blue line. Ivan/Vanya Antonov got a piece of it before Petr Polodna put it past goaltender Michael Will and over the line. It was a bally good goal. Just the ticket you might say, dash it all. The mood in the away block was one of great pathos. For the avoidance of doubt Pathos was not one of the three musketeers - that was Porthos. 1-0 Bison.

The Flames came back into the game on 8:19 with a power play goal scored in a 5 on 3. With a cross checking Long Ciaron Long and a hooking Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov banged up the Flames worked the two man advantage to perfection. With Tom Duggan and Jens Eriksen combining to fashion a wide open back door opportunity for Danny Meyers. He cracked the puck home by way of a clapper and it was 1-1.

It didn’t take Bison long to resnatch the lead – less than 4 minutes to be precise. According to Edward Lear the owl and the pussy cat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. On 12:06 the Flames D also went, not to sea but to pot. General Grant Rounding slipped the puck to Karpov, who was completely unmarked. He had dodged the Flames’ defence as skilfully as a couch potato would slalom past the lettuce and grated carrots at a buffet lunch. He set off across the face of the goal and backhanded a 5-holer. 2-1 Bison.

3 minutes later the Flames were undone once more. Caught with their trousers down, they conceded that ignominious of all goals – a shortie. Karpov was called for tripping. As this was Bison’s 4^th penalty of the game we wondered whether it was a deliberate ploy so they could practice their penalty kill. The Flames found themselves over committed in attack so that when René Jarolin broke forward on the left wing with Aaron “Billy” Connolly in support they could boast only a solitary D-man to cover both Bison forwards. The Bison men precipitated towards the goal like a couple of gold prospectors rushing to the Klondike circa 1897. Jarolin looked up, moved forwards and then squared the puck to Connolly, who rifled a shot towards goal. Billy saw the puck passanda the bar and into the net. Blistering Biriyanis! What a goal. And a goal which curried great favour with the crowd who bubbled over like an overheated saucepan of chicken vindaloo. 3-1 Bison and oh dear Flames.

So ended the period with Bison sitting pretty, but there was a long road still to navigate before the final curtain and, although the short handed goal had added insult to injury to the visitors, it was no good crying over spilt milk. It was back to the drawing board for the Flames. The ball was now back in their court and they would have to get themselves into gear and firing on all cylinders to pull the iron out of the fire or Bison would foreclose on the Flames’ mortgage. It wasn’t going to be a piece of cake and they couldn’t cut corners. They had to step up to the plate and give Bison a taste of their own medicine or they would miss the boat. (15 idioms in one paragraph – not bad, eh? However, what did it all mean? Who knows?).

As it proved, the Flames did not step up to the plate or anything else for that matter and, once again, found themselves soundly spanked by bad defending on 24:02. It is widely known that the Dodo, a flightless bird native to the island of Mauritius, is now extinct. It is thought that the last one fell of its perch in 1681. Look for one today, either on Mauritius or in Basingstoke, and you will be engaging in a fruitless search, especially in the latterly mentioned metropolis. Similarly had you looked for a Flames’ defenceman in the 24th minute at Planet Ice last night, your quest would have resulted in a comparable lack of success. The D was completely absent when Desperate Dan Davies fired a pin point accurate pass down the centre of the ice to an unmarked Jarolin. He set off over the blue line and then cracked in a slapshot over the shoulder of Will, who may have been willing, but with all the will in the world, couldn’t stop it. He must by now have been wishing that he had written his will because impending doom for the Guildford icemen seemed to be fast approaching. An assist also to Connolly. 4-1 Bison.

Despite their best efforts the Flames could not find a way through and the period was played out with no further scoring. But shortly after the opening of the 3^rd period there was more Ooo Betty defending from the visitors. Polodna carried the puck along the right wing and into the corner. It appeared that the covering defenceman had him well boxed in, but suddenly the puck emerged – Polodna had manged to squirt a brilliant pass across ice to the centre of the goal area. The goaltender must have thought he was seeing double as both Antonovs (Ivan and Vanya) appeared in front of him. As described by the Bespectacled Youth “he dangled the jock strap off the nettie” and scored. 5-1 Bison.

With the 5^th Bison goal blood drained from the Flames’ chances of winning the game, which now took on a pallid, cadaverous and positively sepulchrally wraithlike look. The bell was tolling. They could make no impression in the remaining 14 minutes and the game ended in ignominious defeat.

Men of the match were Ben Campbell (remember Glencoe – never trust a Campbell) and the Bison award was shared between Ivan and Vanya Antonov, who received half a box of beers each.