Steeldogs Show They Can Bite As Well As Bark

Bison 2 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

26/12/12

The last time the Dogs came to town they came with a snarl and a bark and went away with a whine and a whimper. Their dreadful indiscipline cost them the game that time with a staggering total of 58 penalty minutes including three 10 misconducts. This time they attracted only 2 minors, although the myopic officials failed to call a number of misdemeanours much to the chagrin of the Bison crowd. In particular both Lumberjack Joe Rand and Greg “Chubbs” Chambers were high sticked in the face without a call for either. According to GI Dave, Chubbs had to “have his eyeball glued back in”. You see I’m not the only one who is capable of exaggeration. However, the Dogs can return to their kennel happy that they were worthy winners. 

It was Bison who took the lead midway through the 1^st period shortly after the Dogs had hit the post. Put in by Zach Sullivan, Jaroslav Cesky, the Bouncing Czech and James “No Nickname” Smith found themselves in on goal in a 2 on 1. It was the classic old dog/young pup combination (Jaro is almost but not quite old enough to be James’s dad). The geriatric forward, well relatively speaking anyay, drew the Dogs netman, James Flavell, and then rifled a pass to the back door. A gaping hole presented itself to just out of nappies James. “Even my granny couldn’t miss this,” he must have thought. Maybe Granny Smith wouldn’t have, but nor did James. His snap shot hit the net and he had recorded his first Bison goal. Well done James.

Pantomime villain André Payette was entertaining the crowd with his comic antics as usual - cheap shots, off the puck stuff and all. Alas the man can barely skate these days and, after one particular short shift where he did barely more than just move around slowly for a bit with the grace and poise of a sack of potatoes, the Bespectacled Youth shouted at him as he left the ice “Come off, Payette. You’ve done enough.” The Man with 3 Ear Rings was a trifle more charitable, saying, “Come on. He’s done 10 seconds on the ice”. The Man in the Charlestown Chiefs Shirt shouted “Give the man some oxygen.”

Bison maintained their lead for the rest of the period, but were clearly not firing on all cylinders and a couple of delay of game penalties late in the period did for them. The first was called on Alex Symonds and the second on Tosh Redmond, although the latter call attracted much debate on the ice, which is hardly surprising as the puck appeared to be deflected over the glass rather than lobbed directly over as with the Symmo effort. Suffice it to say that Bison survived 22 seconds of 5 on 3 and reached the first break with their lead intact. However, before the 5 on 4 had run its course at the beginning of the second the Dogs had levelled it. Pavel Gomeniuk fired in a massive slap shot from the slot, which was deflected past Stonewall Stevie Lyle by Lloyd Gibson. Ben Morgan with the second assist.

Shortly after it was the Dogs who found themselves in a 2 on 1, but a brilliant piece of defending from Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds saved the day as he got his stick to the centring pass which would surely have left Lyle facing a point blank shot with a wide open back door. 

Re-enter the pantomime villain. Oh no he didn’t. Oh yes he did. His first Tommy Cooper style trick gone wrong was a check into the boards which missed completely, resulting in him checking himself, and then, shortly after, he was on the receiving end of a massive check from Tosh Redmond and, with the wild cheers of approval of the Bison faithful ringing in his ears,  he crashed to the ice like……..a sack of potatoes. He got to his skates and raced for the bench as rapidly as he could manage, not with the speed of a thoroughbred racehorse, but certainly with the style of a drayman’s cart horse. In his way was Kurt “The Knife”. Payette attempted one of his usual tricks, namely to bump into him accidentally on purpose, but Kurt saw him coming and side stepped him. Payette’s momentum took him clean out through the bench door and halfway back to the locker room before he could stop. It was pure theatre.

The Dogs ended the period as they had started – with a goal. Cuddly Joe Greener may not have been the Messiah, but he was a very naughty boy. “You have hooked your opponent,” said the referee. Into the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box he went, thankful that the place of incarceration for his misdemeanour was not Wormwood Scrubs. The Dogs took a 2-1 lead on the resultant power play. Once again a long range Gomeniuk slap shot from the point was Bison’s undoing. The puck flew in low off the post past Lyle, catcher side. Greg Wood assisted.

Bison continued to stutter in the 3^rd at a time when they should have been throwing the kitchen sink at the Dogs’ goal. By the end of the period they had managed only 6 shots on Flavell for the period. It became so frustrating that when Stevie Lyle raced out of his goal to fire the puck back into the attack, a frustrated spectator in Block C urged, “Go on, Stevie. SHOOT!” He didn’t. In the interval Mystic Jo had predicted a 5-2 victory for Bison. The Man with 3 Ear Rings insisted she was always right. However, the 4 goals required to achieve this score showed no sign of materialising. Even worse for the Bison faithful they had the cup of victory snatched from their lips, Tantalus style, with a late equaliser negated by an even later winner.

That levelling score was made by Shoeless Joe Miller with less than 4 minutes remaining. Set up by the Bouncing Czech, Jarolslav Cesky, Greg “Chubbs” Chambers fired in a shot which went wide of the goal. Flavell must have thought “danger over” as he heard the familiar sound of puck against board. But his confidence proved woefully misplaced, as the puck entered his peripheral vision and rebounded straight to Shoeless Joe in front of goal. Joe made no mistake. At 2-2 and with the pendulum now swinging their way so late in the game, surely Bison had it within their power to go on and snatch a win despite a lack lustre performance? Alas no. Coach Payette immediately called a time out and whatever he said worked for with 2 minutes remaining Edgars Bebris rifled in a wrist shot from the point for 3-2 Dogs. Stonewall Stevie Lyle may have expressed his disappointment with a torrent of Billingsgate language delivered from inside his mask. Thankfully, if this did occur, it was not audible. The goal was the last straw for Bison. Despite a desperate final two minutes and a pulled goaltender for the last minute they couldn’t find a way back. Ben Morgan and Stonewall Stevie Lyle were men of the match.

Bison will be disappointed with their performance as they struggled to get going throughout the game. Too much turkey and Christmas pud? I don’t know about them, but I certainly did. Is there anything positive for the Bison faithful to take away from the game? Well yes I would say there is. We are very fortunate to be playing in a competitive league where anyone can beat anyone. This certainly was a night when the form book and league positions counted for nothing. Who would want to see their team win or even lose 15-0 every week? Not me for sure.

Clash of the Titans

Bison 1 Guildford Flames 0

22/12/12

The world was supposed to be ending on Friday. Perhaps the Guildford Flames and their travelling support felt it had as their 10 game winning streak came to an end. Or perhaps the world really did end and we were relocated to a parallel universe without realising. Well, if that were the case, parallel Bison are top and the parallel Flames second in the parallel EPL in that parallel universe. 

Let’s get back to reality. The Genial Brummie had started his Christmas celebrations the night before and was suffering the consequences of his deviation from the path of sobriety. He looked washed out.

The first close call of the game came just after a Bison power play in the 12^th minute. Branislav Kvetan was adjudged to have tripped. Had the game been taking place in Calcutta in 1756, he may have had to serve his sentence in the infamous Black Hole for his misdemeanour, but it wasn’t. Instead he was invited to enjoy the relative comfort and luxury of the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box. The Flames snuffed out Bison’s power play, which has proved so effective this season, but shortly after Bison came close to a goal when Greg “The Specs” Owen shaved a post.

Bison needed to get their teeth into the task of winning the game. Enter Lumberjack Joe Rand. He fought tooth and nail to keep possession of the puck on the boards. He brushed aside everyone trying to gum up his path, as he train tracked his way forward. He passed inside to Cuddly Joe Greener, who drilled his way towards goal unopposed. Cuddly Joe fired the puck behind him and across the face of the goal. There lurked Greg “The Specs”, who, filling in as Joe's support man, had eluded the Flames’ D as effortlessly as a piece of dental floss travelling between Terry Thomas’s front teeth (Google image a picture of him if you don’t know what I’m talking about). He smashed in an unstoppable snap shot. The puck squirted over the goaltender’s shoulder like a jet of toothpaste ejected from a tube at high speed and hit the net with a sound akin to a Steradent tablet plopping into a glass of water (OK that last bit might be a bit fanciful). There was much gnashing of teeth among the Flames supporters. They had had it up to the teeth and their evening’s experience threatened to become as painful as pulling teeth. Their team had been kicked in the teeth by a Bison team armed to the teeth with talent. But at 0-1 the Flames were losing only by the skin of their teeth and a comeback from this position would certainly not have been as rare as hen’s teeth.

The Genial Brummie didn't care about things dental, as he continued to look washed out.

As the period drew to a close Guildford thought they had equalised, but the goal was washed off, wiped out, cancelled, expunged (not this again – see last week’s report for a full list if you’ve nothing else to do). The ever dangerous Curtis Huppe with 29 goal notches on his stick already this season skated forward and unleashed a piledriver of a shot from the slot. The puck sailed into the net, but as Huppe skated away towards his bench with arms raised aloft to celebrate his 30^th goal, referee, Mr Boardman, was seen frantically waving his arms from side to side, indicating that, in his considered opinion, Huppe was still on 29 goals. A player was adjudged to have entered the no-go area that is Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s crease as Huppe had shot. The Flames argued, but Mr Boardman stood firm and into the break at 1-0 Bison we went. The goal was washed off and the Genial Brummie continued to look washed out.

The 2^nd period saw the Flames come on strong, but fail to snatch an equaliser. The nearest they came was when Paul Dixon shot against the post and when Huppe found himself in on Lyle, but saw his shot saved. Bison also had their opportunities, most notably whilst defending power plays. The first fell to Greg “The Specs” Owen, who robbed he puck in mid ice and loosed off a wrist shot, which was saved by Mark Lee. Later Cuddly Joe Greener nearly scored a shortie with some tasty skating and delicious stick handling. It was just like a barbecue with Joe playing the part of the accelerant as he flambé-ed his way past a static Flames D-man, whose resistance disintegrated like a crumbly biscuit. Joe knew which side his bread was buttered and, as he fired in a backhander, the final ingredient of his move, he may have been thinking “Swallow that, goaltender”. Lee did just that and Joe was prevented from having the memory of a fine goal to take away. No bread and jam effort was this, but rather caviar and smoked salmon. The Genial Brummie probably preferred not to think of food as he continued to look washed out.

The period ended in controversy as Lumberjack Joe Rand was felled to the ice. Joe was clearly hurt as he remained in the foetal position for some time. The Bison crowd became ugly. The Howling Man cranked himself up to full volume in a manner only he is capable of. The nature of his tirade clearly indicated his disagreement with the officials, but the only word I caught was “spirit”, which didn't seem to have any relevance unless he thought that the officials had been drinking spirits which had thus impaired their eyesight and judgment. A characteristic Howling Man incomprehensible rant. Close by the Man from MI5 also looked aggrieved with the call (or rather lack of one). He may even have wanted to stab one of the officials with his poison tipped umbrella, but alas he’d left it at home. The Genial Brummie was too washed out to express his anger.

The 3^rd period turned out to be a titanic struggle with only 10 shots on goal between the two teams. However, the tension and robust competitive nature of the play made for a very entertaining last 20 minutes. With less than a minute left the Flames gambled by pulling Lee from the net. This was not the time for the Flames’ netman to procrastinate, dawdle, drag his feet,  hold off,  linger, loiter, deliberate, take 5, hang loose, hold back, shill-shally, dither, stall or tarry a while. He did none of those things. He raced towards the bench faster than a Santa Pod drag racer to enable a 6^th skater to take to the ice. The ploy so nearly paid off with a goalmouth scramble in the dying seconds. Cake Lady, enjoying an excellent view of the incident, thought the puck had crossed the line, but Climbing Girl, who is good with maths and angles etc., having an equally excellent view from the other side, said “NO”. And "NO" echoed the officials. Seconds later Bison made an attempt at the empty net. The puck slid agonisingly towards the gaping goal. Was it going in? Was it going wide? Neither. It hit the post. 8 seconds late the final buzzer sounded to the relief of all (except those in the away seats), especially the Genial Brummie, who continued to look washed out.

Top Banana awards went to Guildford’s Rick Plant and Bison’s Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds for another fantastic performance on the blue line. The beers they received were almost certainly not coveted by the Genial Brummie. It was a shame that Stonewall Stevie Lyle had to miss out after putting in a top drawer performance, which was well worth his third shutout of the season. With this hard fought victory Bison extend their lead over the Flames at the top of the table to 5 points.

Trousers Down Phantoms Undone by Bison Power Play

Many of you know already that Pete Croombs (aka Honest Pete and also BisonPete) received a nasty facial injury when hit full in the face by a puck last night. Pete is a damned fine fellow and a thoroughly good egg. I am sure everyone who knows him will agree. He has been a Bison fan since Queen Victoria was on the throne and selflessly gives his time as a volunteer to Bison, acting as goal judge and in various other capacities. He was the first person to identify me as the otherwise anonymous Hockeybloke and seek me out at the rink and tell me he liked my reports, so he has a lot to answer for, as his encouraging words were probably instrumental in my reports becoming more and more outrageous and preposterous and further and further off the wall. Pete's injury could have been worse, but it's a nasty one nevertheless. Get well soon, Pete. See you back at the rink asap. Might have to rename you Scarface Pete in future reports.
 

Trousers Down Phantoms Undone by Bison Power Play

Bison 5 Peterborough Phantoms 3

7/12/12

Two goals on the power play and a 100% power play kill helped Bison to maintain their 3 point advantage at the top of the EPL table. After a 6-3 reversal (in which 2 of Bison's 3 goals were on the power play incidentally) on ghostly ice last Sunday,  Bison were looking for instant revenge. It turned out not to be the runaway victory against a struggling Phantoms team many might have hoped for, but by the end of 60 minutes Bison had the job done and the points in the bag. The game was admirably officiated by the two linesmen. The referee failed to turned up, stuck in traffic it is said, or maybe he stayed in to watch the final of X-Factor. Surely not!

Potty gave Bison a reality check in the 8^th minute by taking the lead. The scorer was dangerous Latvian, Maris Ziedins, scorer of a hat-trick last Sunday, tipping in a Tom Norton wrist shot from the point. Further assist to Jeff Glowa.

 

Bison had to step up their game - it all looked a bit too much like a training session lacking the urgency, determination and fight that we had seen at the last home game when the Phoenix were vanquished. Enter the Bouncing Czech, Jaroslav Cesky, the man who has surely the best 5 o’clock shadow in the entire EPL. Jaro, now a firm favourite with the Bison crowd, notched his 10^th Bison goal (and his 18^th of the season) to level things up at 1-1 in the 12^th minute. It was Bison’s first power play goal. Tom Norton was adjudged to have slashed. The sentence? 5 years in Strangeways? He may have strange ways, but he was not sent to Strangeways. Instead to the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box for 2 minutes he went. He disagreed with the decision, but didn’t throw his toys out of the pram, but instead he flung his stick to the floor in protest on entering the box. Bison again made the power play count. Former Phantom blueliner, James “Starsky” Hutchinson, fed Greg “Chubbs” Chambers, whose centring pass found Cesky in front of the net for a simple tap in. 1-1. 

Towards the end of the period a big hole appeared in the ice and the game was stopped for several minutes while repairs were carried out. Then came the goal that never was. Greg “the Specs” Owen’s shot had surely gone in and come out again, maybe off the centre stanchion at the back of the goal. But the goal light remained unlit, the players played on (only Greg allowed himself a celebration which quickly terminated), and the “goal” was chalked off, marked off, struck off, washed off, scrubbed off, rubbed out, wiped out, weeded out, crossed out, abolished, annulled, deleted, erased, cancelled, voided, eliminated and called “no”, not to mention purged, obliterated and expunged from the records or at least it would have been had it been recorded at all. If you need any further clarification………..it didn’t count. Had it gone in at all? Some said it hit the post, but no PING! was heard.

The period ended with a bit of push and shove behind the Potty goal, which failed to develop into a full blooded ignominious embroilment of the most disreputable variety. A what? OK to put it simply …… a punch up. As the players pushed and shoved and exchanged opinions regarding each others’ conduct, they appeared to be soiling the pure air of Planet Ice with the type of language which would have shocked both a drunken sewer worker from the Gorbals and an angry fishwife from Grimsby. However, no custodial sentences were imposed after the ugly fracas broke up.

Within 2 minutes of the restart, Bison powered into a 2-1 lead. It was another power play goal with Tom Norton in the slammer again, this time for roughing. The goal was similar to Bison’s first with Greg “Chubbs” Chambers setting up Lumberjack Joe Rand to backhand in in front of the net. Greg “the Specs” Owen earned the second assist.

Soon after Josef Sladok and Cuddly Joe Greener became involved in another unseemly affray. The latter slashed the former and the former slashed and then punched the latter. The former then gave the officials some “verbals”. 2 minutes slashing for both the former and the latter and a further 10 misconduct for the former (2 Greener and 2 + 10 Sladok if you’re confused - I am).

Bison were now looking more in command and increased their lead in the 25^th minute. Some superb work by Lumberjack Joe Rand made the opportunity for Coach Sheppard. They say there is a thin dividing line between genius and insanity. Let’s hope it won’t be necessary for men in white coats to cart Lumberjack Joe away in a straitjacket sometime soon. His skating and stick handling frequently border on the genius. Fleet of foot, keen of eye and sharp of brain he showed sleight of hand as he outsmarted the Potty D. He glided around the back of the goal and looked like he was going to try a wrap around. Instead he fired a short pass to set up a “can’t miss” opportunity for his boss lurking in front of the net. Shep (Coach Sheppard that is not the Blue Peter dog) accepted Joe’s invitation to find the net. 3-1 Bison.

The  Phantoms made it a one goal game again a minute later when a long range James Ferrara wrist shot from the slot was deflected in by Maris Ziedins - his 5^th goal in a week against the Bison.

Then came a great opportunity for the Phantoms to level things up. A 5 on 4 power play became a 5 on 3 as Lumberjack Joe Rand scooped the puck over the glass in an attempt to murder Honest Pete and was called for delay of game. But the Phantoms chance was frittered away. Bison killed the penalties and on the stroke of 36 minutes went further ahead. Alex “Tatooed Taff” Symonds passed out of defense to Coach Sheppard, who skated forward like crazy (perhaps he had gone crazy, at least temporarily). He muscled his way through the Phantoms defense as easily as Hulk Hogan would push through a crowd of 7 stone weaklings. Around the back of the net he went, emerged the other side and set up Cuddly Joe Greener to mark his comeback from injury with a back door snap shot goal. 4-2 Bison. Gloom, doom and despondency engulfed the consciousness of the visiting fans as their Bison counterparts exploded into a show of near orgasmic ecstasy, which threatened to elevate them to a new level of Nirvana (that is the state of mind which is achieved after a long process of committed application to the path of purification, not the Kurt Cobain sort of Nirvana).

4 minutes into the 3^rd Bison surged further ahead with an unassisted goal from Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard to make the score 5-2. Intercepting a slack pass out of defense he carried the puck at breakneck speed diagonally across the face of goal. Goaltender Damien King may have had a feeling of impending doom. If he didn’t, he should have had because Shep scored, sliding in a backhander. As he floundered prostrate upon the ice, King’s first indication that the puck had crossed the line must have come from the crowd’s jubilant, exuberant, animated, blissful, excited, ecstatic, gleeful and indeed joyful reaction, which must have made him depressed, miserable, gloomy, dismal, sorrowful, unhappy, crestfallen and indeed dejected. But his spirits may have been buoyed somewhat when his team mates reduced the arrears 5 minutes later and put the Phantoms in with a chance of a comeback. Assisted by Ferrara and Carlon, Bison old boy, Ondrej Lauko found himself in a shooting position on the point. He was unable to bend it like Beckham, but here was no need as the puck flew straight as an arrow into the top corner of the net. The Howling Man suddenly became animated. His rant indicated that he thought the goal should have been chalked off, washed off, rubbed out (we won’t go through that list again – see above) for offside, but the officials disagreed and the goal stood.

Bison stood firm for the final 10 minutes as the game trundled rather tamely towards a conclusion. Jamie Line and Coach Sheppard (with a 2+1 game) carried off the Top Banana awards. Another 2 points in the bag for Bison who maintain their lead at the top of the table.