The Ugly Side of Hockey

Bison 0 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

23/2/13

This was Tosh Redmond’s 600^th game for Basingstoke. How sad that his special occasion should be marked by a game of this type. Memorable yes, but for the wrong reasons. The Steeldogs won the game with their usual brand of pantomime villainy, dirty tactics and verbal and physical provocation. I would challenge any neutral to admire what we saw from the Dogs last night. The people I admire are the genuine hockey loving Dogs’ fans for putting up with this sort of stuff. Presumably they have to watch it week in week out because the Dogs don’t seem to be able to win any other way. 

There was an explosive start to the game. Nicky Watt called out the unsavoury Craig Elliott as soon as the puck was dropped in retaliation for a jump on Cesky which Elliott had made in the last Bison v Dogs game, according to Watty. Now…..Craig Elliott. This is the man who has "previous", not only with Bison, but with other teams as well. This is the man who plays as a forward and has scored 1 goal and 4 assists in 44 games this season. His stats for last season were about the same. There are no prizes for guessing why he is in the team. Anyway back to last night. Off came the gloves, off came the helmets. As they squared up Elliott looked decidedly uncomfortable as if he knew it was a case of impending doom. They came together and Elliott managed to drag Watty to the ice to make the officials step in. When they were all back on their feet Watty called Elliott out again. Eventually the officials stood aside. Back into the clinch they went, but not for long as Watty landed a peach of a punch to Elliott’s jaw and down he went into the turtle position with his hands over his head. Knock out win I would say. As he got up Elliott had his hand clamped to his aching jaw and looked relieved it was all over. Some may criticise Watty for being a hothead, but the guy stands up for his team mates and in this case doled out a well deserved punishment to an odious individual who brings nothing but bad feeling, obnoxious behaviour and unpleasantness to the hockey table. The sooner players (and I use the term advisedly because I can’t see any genuine hockey talent there) like him are marginalised and drummed out of the game the better. Alas that is but a pipe dream – it will never happen. 

Anyway back to the game. Sheffield opened the scoring with a power play goal after 6 minutes. A scramble in front of goal and Edgars Bebris netted with an assist to player/coach André Payette. Payette? I haven’t mentioned him yet. Ready for another Hockeybloke rant? Perhaps not. I’ll spare you that. You can make up your own mind about him. What I would say is that he is everyone’s favourite pantomime villain. However, on a scary scale of 1 to 10 with Captain Hook at one end and Widow Twankie at the other, Payette would be off the scale……..but not at the Captain Hook end. The Man with 3 Ear Rings described him very appropriately as a big wrecking ball.

The next major controversial incident in the game came close to the end of the period when Elliott (yes him again) sniped at Jaroslav Cesky and was cross checked back. This resulted in a bit of “roughing”. Suddenly in steamed Ashley Calvert, shoved Cesky to the ice and hammered away at him. It was a classic case of “third man in”. Cesky got a game penalty and Calvert a match  penalty, which seemed very harsh on, Jaro, who picked up his for “resisting the officials”. When one is assaulted in such a fashion what is one supposed to do? Grin and bear it like Greg “Chubbs” Chambers did last week against Adam Greener (see the Bison v Jets report). Not everyone can exercise that degree of self control and obviously Jaro, who seems to be targeted game after game, could not and he became the first victim of Dogs tactics on the night.

The Dogs went 2-0 ahead a minute later when Bebris and Bell set up Kohron, who 5-holed Stonewall Stevie Lyle. Enough said.

The man in the Charlestown Chiefs shirt accosted Andy Payette during the interval and told him to his face that he was “one hell of a mean bastard”. Yes I actually did. Fortunately Mr Payette took this as a compliment and there was no need for the Chiefs man to pay a visit to A & E.

On 32 minutes the Dogs grabbed a 3-0 lead. A big turnover around the blue line saw the puck shoot straight to Payette in front of the crease with Lloyd Gibson in support. It was a 2 on 0 and Lyle had no chance as Payette squared to Gibson to fire in a snapshot.

Trouble erupted again at the start of the 3^rd. Before the puck had been dropped Payette was seen barging into Joe Miller and mouthing off in typical style. Shortly after Payette was dumped to the ice with a high stick to the face. Our Widow Twankie then hammed it up in Oscar winning style and got what he wanted – a match penalty for Joe, possibly later commuted to a game penalty as Payette was OK to continue (surprised?). Blood has been spilled! Some wondered whether it was a blood capsule. Remember the “Bloodgate” scandal in rugby? To avoid the risk of getting sued for slander by Mr. Payette, I couldn’t possibly support this opinion of course. Was it a frame up? It certainly looked like a classic stitch up.

Back to the “hockey”. Could Bison find a spark from somewhere to drag them back into contention? Yes they could. On 41 minutes Coach Sheppard found himself in on goal. He rifled in a shot. On went the goal light. 1-3 surely? No. The puck came straight out and the officials didn’t give the goal. Most of us, including the goal judge, were convinced it had gone in. Some said it hit the back stanchion and came out. The officials thought it had hit the goal frame, but there was no characteristic “PING!” sound. One close observer said it was a brilliant save by the goaltender. Video highlights later showed that the puck had indeed hit the post. Good call by the officials. 3 minutes later Andrew Hirst became the second Dogs player to be chucked out of the game with a match penalty for a hit to the head on Shep.

That was it really. The game fizzled out from a Bison perspective, as spectators started streaming away halfway through the 3^rd. Despite having 11 power play opportunities they could not capitalise on one, just like on Wednesday when the same number against Slough also failed to bear fruit. There was no lack of effort from the team, but nothing seemed to click. To add to Bison’s injury woes, Alex Symonds left the game in the second and Nicky “You What?” Watt finished the game in considerable discomfort and was later seen hobbling around. The list grows game by game. Back to Sheffield went the Dogs with their 2 points, deserved on the balance of play, but hardly won in a fair and sportsmanlike manner, but then hockey always has had its ugly side.

Bison Out But Not Down

Bison 2 Slough Jets 1 (aggregate 4-4)

EPL Cup semi final second leg

Jets win in a shoot out

Blimey! Where do we start. As a sports report writer, whether a professional or a rank amateur like me, you need a theme to hang your report on. But last night was a game of many themes, namely Bison’s quest for silverware cruelly receding, top drawer goaltending performances, a game in which the Jets were called for a total of 26 minutes in penalties and yet managed to shut out the Bison power play or the heroics of Nick “You What?” Watt, who gave his absolute all to haul Bison into the final of the competition. Well maybe it would be appropriate to highlight all of those features.

Having seen their chance of the EPL title more or less evaporate last weekend, Bison were hanging their hopes on an emphatic victory to overcome a 2-3 first leg deficit against the Jets and move into the final of the Cup where either the Guildford Flames or the Manchester Phoenix await. Alas after elimination from this competition, the only remaining hope of a pot is victory in the play offs at the end of the season when surely Bison have little better than a one in eight chance, such an insufficient reward for all the hard work of this season.

It was a night of goaltending performances of connoisseurs’ quality. Greg Rockman won the game for the Jets with two penalty saves and forcing Joe Miller to shoot wide, not to mention a number of impressive saves during the game. However, eclipsing Rocky’s performance was that of Stonewall Stevie Lyle, who was a colossus in the Bison net and produced a string of blocks, saves and catches, some of which had the Bison crowd gasping in disbelief and renting the air which such utterances as “What a save!” and “The man’s a genius”

“It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men!” So sang the Weather Girls (and Geri Halliwell). At Planet Ice last night it didn’t rain men or even cats and dogs, but it did rain penalties, Bison picking up 12 minutes and Slough a staggering 26 minutes, but, due to a combination of stout defense, solid goaltending and ineffective forward play, the Jets managed to negate Bison’s numerical advantage on every occasion.

And a word for Nicky “You What?” Watt, who put himself about in typical style, had a fight, set up Bison’s “winning” goal and was back on the ice on his next shift after sustaining what looked like a game ending injury in the 3^rd. People use the cliché “giving 110%”. That’s not possible – just ask Climbing Girl. But Nicky sure gave everything that was in his tank.

Anyway what about the game? Bison started rather tentatively and paid the price with a goal against on the stroke of 3 minutes. Frankie Bakrlik, a giant of a man at 6’5” and 231 lbs, but lean and quick on his feet unlike his team-mate Adam Greener, heavier, considerably shorter and not so fleet of foot, tore down the right wing covered by Zach Sullivan, who is much leaner than Greener (who isn’t?). Zach did a very good job of preventing Bakrlik from shooting himself (not literally of course), but Big Frankie chose the other option of a pinpoint pass inside where Matt Towalski, who had left his covering D-man for dead, belted in a snap shot. On came the red light and it was 0-1 on the night and 2-4 on aggregate.

Disorder of the most virulent and shameful variety broke out midway through the period. Mindy Kieras and Nicky Watt exchanged blows before Watty turned round and had a go at Aaron Connolly, who I suspect was expressing his opinions of the Bison man in a somewhat forthright manner. Next we saw Kieras and Cuddly Joe Greener become pugilistically entangled. Someone intervened and held Joe’s arms, but, much to his chagrin I am sure, Mindy continued to strike him. Suddenly a satellite encounter developed with Watty and Connolly skating to open ice, posturing, removing helmets and getting stuck in with the Bison crowd baying for blood. It was an interesting encounter, which ended about even with no blood spilled. 2 + 2 for Connolly, 2 + 2 + 2 for Watt. Heaven knows why Watty got the extra 2. As for Kieras nothing at all despite punching both Watty and Cuddly Joe.

The fisticuffs were not over. Shortly afterwards the incredible bulk, who is Adam Greener, took exception to something Greg “Chubbs” Chambers had done or said, stood in front of him and proceeded to punch him in the face. Chubbs stood his ground, declined to retaliate and amazingly had a smile on his face, maybe because he knew he had goaded the big man into buying a penalty. As for Greener, had he been a military man, he would surely have been court martialled, reduced to the ranks, had his epaulettes torn off and his sword broken in two before being incarcerated in the stockade with nothing but bread and water for sustenance and then having to suffer the final ignominy of being dishonourably discharged with a permanent stain on his character. Thankfully for him a military man he is not and all he got was 2 minutes in the box.

The Jets maintained their goal advantage until well into the 2^nd, but they were to come unstuck in the 29^th minute. Alex Symonds fired a pass from defense to Shoeless Joe Miller on the left. Joe cut in and squeezed a shot under Rockman’s pad. Duracell Man, a closer observer than me, confirmed that the puck had dribbled over the line, thereby indicating that Rocky had “got a piece of it” but couldn’t keep it out. Bison had been pressing hard and the goal hadn’t exactly come out of the blue.

The Jets fans were to become even bluer in the 36^th when Bison stormed into a 2-1 lead and level on aggregate at 4-4. The architect of the goal was Nicky “You What?” Watt, now wearing shirt no. 26, following the renting asunder of his regular no.49 shirt in the Connolly fight.. You couldn’t have described Watty’s movement as clumsy, ungainly, awkward or blundering, but rather graceful, adroit, elegant and aesthetically pleasing. In fact you could say his movement was as graceful as Canova’s Three Graces. Not that he resembled any of them (Google the Three Graces and make up your own mind). His slide rule pass (ask Climbing Girl what a slide rule is) found his ex Swindon team-mate, Jaroslav Cesky crashing the net and forcing the puck home. Neither does Jaro resemble any of the Three Graces, certainly not with five o’clock shadow of that magnitude. I would like to say that he possesses the sure footedness of an Alpine goat, but I can’t because he didn’t on this occasion. In fact, he fell over, which was hardly surprising as the desperate sprawling from of Rockman took his legs away. The red light illuminated and a sudden commotion stirred amongst the Bison faithful, who in unison sprang to their feet and delivered a vocal hullabaloo loud enough to register on the Richter Scale. Jaro regained his feet quickly enough to enjoy the goal celebrations.

Sadly for Bison, they failed to find the net again and, although winning the game on the night, they now had to face a shoot out to decide who would go through to the final. Bakrlik was the only scorer of the 6 shooters and wild celebrations broke out on the ice and in the away supporters block as Rocky saved the final penalty from Chubbs. We must now wish the Jets success in the final. Over the two legs there was nothing more than a Rizla fag paper separating the teams.

Lightning Triple Strike Zaps BisonTitle Hopes

Bison 1 Milton Keynes Lightning 3

17/2/13

Bison saw their chances of the EPL title slip further down the greasy pole with defeat on home ice last night (only their third of the season) to the Milton Keynes Lightning. Following on from a shoot out defeat at Slough the night before and coupled with another 4 point weekend for the Guildford Flames, title hopes seem to be evaporating game by game. Once again, Bison’s season has been unhinged by a spate of injuries, which last night saw Cuddly Joe Greener, Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds, Matt Selby, Jacob Corson-Heron and Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino scratching (not literally of course). If that wasn’t enough, Lumberjack Joe Rand was chucked out of the game early in the 3^rd for what many regarded as a legal check and the resultant 5 minute power play proved the undoing of Bison. Up until that point they looked capable of going on from a 1-1 position to win the game. Such is fate.

An even 1^st period ended with a solitary goal to separate the teams. That came in the 16^th minute and was quite a spectacle it must be said. A mid ice collision enabled Adam Brittle and Blaz Emersic to set up Leigh Jamieson, but skating across and away from goal. He suddenly spun around like a ballerina on top of a musical jewellery box, although obviously he didn’t look like one, turning on a sixpence you might say (thankfully monetary decimalisation hasn’t changed this expression to “turning on a 5 pence piece”). In one fluid movement he unleashed an unstoppable wrist shot which flew high over Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s shoulder. 

The 2^nd period belonged to Bison. Playing with more cohesion, but still finding it difficult to find a way past the wall which is Stephen Wall, Bison had to wait until the 35^th minute to get back on level terms, although not in the way one would have expected. A 34^th minute clash between Alex Symonds and Janne Jokila, formerly of the Syracuse Crunch (yes really) resulted in a 2 + 2 for the Welshman for cross checking and slashing and a 2 elbows for Jokila supplemented by a 10 for abuse of the officials, as he delivered his considered opinion in a what must have been a robust and forthright manner. Quite an impressive collective list of crimes. The least they could have done was round it off with a bit of cross checking and spearing, but sadly no. By the time the dust had settled and the convicts settled in their respective boxes, Lightning were on a power play.

Things didn’t go the way the MK icemen planned, however - the Bison penalty kill unit were about to zap them between the eyes. An interchange between Coach Sheppard and his captain Tosh Redmond set Lumberjack Joe Rand on his way with one blueliner to outsmart. Joe’s progress towards goal could not be described as gradual or tardy, but rather precipitous and hasty. He glided forward with poise and balance akin to that of The Great Blondin crossing the Niagara Falls on a tightrope, but rather quicker (The Great who? Google him). A burst of power and Joe had reduced the hapless D-man to rôle of an impotent or indeed emasculated observer of the play. He had been outpaced  like a Reliant Robin left standing at the lights by a Maserati. Now Joe had only the goaltender to beat. Wally must have realised he was not going to be able to make himself larger and the goal frame sure wasn’t going to get any smaller as would a woolly jumper in a hot wash. (Undomesticated blokes take note that you don’t wash woollens on “hot”). It was all a question of perspective in the same way that some items are small and others appear to be the same size but are, in fact, larger but far away, as Father Ted would have explained. It mattered not a jot as Joe toe dragged the puck and slid a backhander in through the wide open isosceles triangle that was Wally’s 5-hole. As the puck slid across the line, a wild uproar, which could only be described as unrestrained disorder, suddenly broke out in the Bison blocks. The crowd always love a shortie. Some sympathy is due to Wally, the ex Bison backstopper. He must have felt small and wished he was far away at that moment.

Bison started the 3^rd with much more vigour than before and looked the likelier of the two teams to win the game. An extraordinary incident occurred just 3 minutes into the period. Nicky ”You What?” Watt attempted a wraparound and just as Wally was saving the shot, the net crashed forwards on top of him and left him looking like a caged animal. I can only assume that one of the pursuing D-men lost his footing and fell into the back of the net thus pitching it forwards.

Fate then vomited on Coach Sheppard’s best suit. Lumberjack Joe Rand was called for a head check on Lewis Christie, and given a 5 + game penalty. There was a delay on the call, which was not made by the two officials closest to the incident, but by another far away (let’s not revisit Father Ted) and seemed to be influenced by the crumpled form of Christie remaining on the ice, apparently at death’s door. There were many amongst the Bison faithful who said that it was a perfectly legal check. However, the officials decided otherwise and decreed that Bison should have a 5 minute power play to kill. This became a 4 on 4 just over 2 minutes later with Lightning’s Ross Green banged up for holding, but a minute later MK grabbed the lead. A shot from Tvrdek was kick saved by Lyle, but unfortunately the puck went straight to Blaz Emersic who returned it with interest. 2-1 Lightning.

Still with the Rand penalty current, Zach Sullivan was the next to receive an invitation to observe the game from the comfort of the Bison penalty box, this time for hooking. Bison were defending the 5 on 3 well until, Tvrdek, his name as unpronounceable as ever, hammered in a piledriver of a slap shot from the point which Lyle probably never saw as it whistled past him high into the net. An assist to Leigh Jamieson who set up the chance with a cross ice pass to his team-mate. 3-1 Lightning.

Was there a way back for Bison? It wasn’t looking likely, even though there was enough time for a late rally. However, goaltender Wall was playing a blinder. The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, was beginning to think that the MK goal was becoming as impenetrable as the Iron Curtain. Although Bison rained in 17 final period shots on goal, Wally appeared as massive as a great English oak from the heart of Sherwood Forest, instead of a Bonsai tree from Forest Gate, which the Bison faithful would have preferred. The minutes wound down with Bison on 5 on 4, then 5 on 3 power plays until finally with Stonewall Stevie withdrawn from the net a 6 on 4. All to no avail. “Doh...Ray...Me...Far...So...La...Te...Doh”. The fat lady had been practicing her scales. Now she was ready to sing.

Miller’s Brace Bombs Out the Tigers

Bison 3 Telford Tigers 0

9/2/13

Can Joe Miller keep a secret like the Man from MI5, who watches incognito from Block C? Can he throw a 9 dart finish like the Gooner? Can he solve a quadratic equation like Climbing Girl? Can he drum in 9/8 time whilst ironing a shirt and eating a pizza like the Rabble Rouser of Block A? Maybe not. But what he can do is score goals. Hell yes. Last night those assembled under the leaking roof (actually I think it might have been fixed) of Planet Ice were treated to a master class in the art of goal scoring from Shoeless Joe, who bagged a brace. His form on the night was as sharp at a lion’s claw, a butcher’s paring knife, a druggie’s hypodermic, a tatooist’s needle, an Agincourt archer’s arrow or any other sharp implement you may care to name.

Bottom of the table Telford Tigers with their small contingent of loyal fans (let’s raise our glasses to them) made the long journey to Basingstoke, hoping to continue their unexpected revival in form, which saw them record a 4 point weekend last time out, including a 3-1 win on home ice over Bison. Alas for the Tigers, their winning streak was terminated.

It took Bison 5 minutes to record their first score. Strong forechecking in the Tigers’ defensive zone saw Cuddly Joe Greener force an error and Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was in on goal. The late/great Jazz trumpeter Dizzie Gillespie had the ability to inflate his cheeks to a phenomenal size (Google image him if you wish). Although the Tigers’ netminder, Declan Ryan, did not have the same inflationary powers and could not block the goal completely, he did manage to thwart Chubbs’s attempt to find the net with a low shot. As he gave up a rebound from his pad save, Ryan seemed to be saying “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to get in the way. Have another try.” The puck went straight to Coach Sheppard, who hammered home a snap shot for 1-0 Bison.

4 minutes later it was 2-0. The architect of the goal was Lumberjack Joe Rand, put in by Alex Symonds. Joe skated diagonally across the goal under pressure from the covering D-man. This was no time to take a cat nap or play cat and mouse games. Joe caterpaulted himself forward, not like a caterpillar, but like a big cat after an antelope. He didn’t need cat’s eyes to show him the way to goal. The D-man left him barely enough room to swing a cat, as he and Joe fought like cat and dog for possession of the puck. But the Bison winger was determined to put the cat amongst the pigeons. There are many ways to skin a cat and he didn’t let the cat out of the bag to the goaltender about what he was going to do. His backhanded blind shot deflected to Shoeless Joe Miller, who shovelled it in from just outside the crease.  The two Joes had proved to be cool cats, not some pair of moth-eaten alley cats. They had grins as wide as a Cheshire cat’s on their faces. The Bison crowd jumped around like cats on a hot tin roof and caterwauled their approval of the goal. Meow!

Early in the 2^nd the Man whose Charlestown Chiefs shirt is in the wash made a hideous error. Seeing a cage wearing player surging past, he shouted “Go on Cam”. His utterance was greeted with much mirth and merriment by those around him – it wasn’t Cam “Popeye” Wynn, it was Matt “No Nickname Yet” Selby. Perhaps the Chiefs Man ought to visit Specsavers.

5 minutes into the period saw the Tigers go on a power play with Nicky “You What?” Watt doing porridge for interference. Lumberjack Joe Rand curried favour with the Bison crowd during the penalty kill. Sandwiched between two Tigers, who nibbled away at him, he well and truly brought home the bacon as battled hard and kept possession of the puck. It looked like it would be easier to pick up a greasy sausage from the ice using a teaspoon that to poach the puck away from Joe. Eventually his goose was cooked, but valuable seconds had been eaten up. Joe showed that you don’t have to feast on a banquet of goals to contribute to the team’s success. As he left the ice, he attracted a spontaneous burst of applause from the gourmet crowd for what he had brought to the table. Just mustard, Joe.

Before the power play had expired Bison nearly scored a short handed goal. An exocet style slap shot was hammered in from just inside the Tigers’ blue line. If Ryan had been given the choice of stopping the shot or swimming the seven seas, he may have chosen the latter as the easier option. However, no-one heard him saying, “Gimme the Speedos”. Instead he flashed the glove and the puck disappeared into the netting like a small particle of food being ingested by a large leather amoeba. The Charlestown Chiefs Man wrote down “Watt – slapshot – glove save”. 2 seconds later, the aforementioned Nicky Watt returned to the ice from the penalty box. The shooter had been Cesky. What was I saying about Specsavers?

Close to the half way point, Matt Selby was denied a goal. It would have been his first for Bison. However, he was adjudged to have kicked the puck in and, to make matters worse, he was in the crease when he did it. Apart from washing off the “goal” perhaps Bison should have had a goal deducted for this double offense. Thankfully not. 

On 34 minutes Thomas Soar made Matt Selby feel very sore when he bundled him into the boards. Matt stayed down injured, as one of his teammates sought to settle the score with Soar. The players huddled together, not to conserve body heat, but to politely exchange opinions at close quarters. Suddenly fists were flying and many of those observing from afar assumed that the Bison protagonist was that well known pugilist, Nicky Watt. But no. It was ………… Lumberjack Joe Rand! 2 + 2 roughing for each was the sentence on termination of the hostilities. Matt took no further part in the game, but thankfully, so the Bespectacled Youth found out, was not seriously injured. And ...... Joe Rand? Yes Joe Rand!

Minutes later it was 3-0. A defense splitting pass from Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard put in Shoeless Joe Miller. Joe hammered forward at breakneck speed. He couldn’t have got to goal faster than if he’d hitched a ride on the back of the Planet Ice Zamboni – on second thoughts that would have slowed him down. He deked and when he saw the whites of Ryan’s eyes, he shot. PING! The puck cannoned in off the bar. The goal light came on. Joe’s arms were raised aloft in triumph. A tumultuous turbulence broke out in the Bison blocks as cries of approval rent the air. The fat lady might just as well have started singing at this point, as, although there was still a whole period to play, the game was to peter out somewhat tamely with Bison doubtless keen to conserve their energy for tonight’s visit to the Dog’s kennel.

Cuddly Joe Greener was Bison’s man of the match. It had been a rather one sided affair. If you had to use a Monoploly analogy Bison would be Mayfair to the Tigers Old Kent Road. Whilst Telford did not even pass “Go”, Bison grabbed their chance and thrilled the Bison community, perhaps not with a chest full of goals, but certainly with enough on the board to ultimately send the Tigers to jail and bank the 2 points available.

A final word for stand in goaltender, Dan Green (I don’t think he’s related to either Desperate Dan or Hughie Green), borrowed from the Nottingham Panthers to cover for Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s absence on Team GB duty. You can only save what the opposition throws at you and, although Dan faced only 12 shots on target in the game, he dealt with everything admirably to record another Bison shutout. They all count. Well done, Dan.