Miller’s Brace Bombs Out the Tigers

Bison 3 Telford Tigers 0

9/2/13

Can Joe Miller keep a secret like the Man from MI5, who watches incognito from Block C? Can he throw a 9 dart finish like the Gooner? Can he solve a quadratic equation like Climbing Girl? Can he drum in 9/8 time whilst ironing a shirt and eating a pizza like the Rabble Rouser of Block A? Maybe not. But what he can do is score goals. Hell yes. Last night those assembled under the leaking roof (actually I think it might have been fixed) of Planet Ice were treated to a master class in the art of goal scoring from Shoeless Joe, who bagged a brace. His form on the night was as sharp at a lion’s claw, a butcher’s paring knife, a druggie’s hypodermic, a tatooist’s needle, an Agincourt archer’s arrow or any other sharp implement you may care to name.

Bottom of the table Telford Tigers with their small contingent of loyal fans (let’s raise our glasses to them) made the long journey to Basingstoke, hoping to continue their unexpected revival in form, which saw them record a 4 point weekend last time out, including a 3-1 win on home ice over Bison. Alas for the Tigers, their winning streak was terminated.

It took Bison 5 minutes to record their first score. Strong forechecking in the Tigers’ defensive zone saw Cuddly Joe Greener force an error and Greg “Chubbs” Chambers was in on goal. The late/great Jazz trumpeter Dizzie Gillespie had the ability to inflate his cheeks to a phenomenal size (Google image him if you wish). Although the Tigers’ netminder, Declan Ryan, did not have the same inflationary powers and could not block the goal completely, he did manage to thwart Chubbs’s attempt to find the net with a low shot. As he gave up a rebound from his pad save, Ryan seemed to be saying “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to get in the way. Have another try.” The puck went straight to Coach Sheppard, who hammered home a snap shot for 1-0 Bison.

4 minutes later it was 2-0. The architect of the goal was Lumberjack Joe Rand, put in by Alex Symonds. Joe skated diagonally across the goal under pressure from the covering D-man. This was no time to take a cat nap or play cat and mouse games. Joe caterpaulted himself forward, not like a caterpillar, but like a big cat after an antelope. He didn’t need cat’s eyes to show him the way to goal. The D-man left him barely enough room to swing a cat, as he and Joe fought like cat and dog for possession of the puck. But the Bison winger was determined to put the cat amongst the pigeons. There are many ways to skin a cat and he didn’t let the cat out of the bag to the goaltender about what he was going to do. His backhanded blind shot deflected to Shoeless Joe Miller, who shovelled it in from just outside the crease.  The two Joes had proved to be cool cats, not some pair of moth-eaten alley cats. They had grins as wide as a Cheshire cat’s on their faces. The Bison crowd jumped around like cats on a hot tin roof and caterwauled their approval of the goal. Meow!

Early in the 2^nd the Man whose Charlestown Chiefs shirt is in the wash made a hideous error. Seeing a cage wearing player surging past, he shouted “Go on Cam”. His utterance was greeted with much mirth and merriment by those around him – it wasn’t Cam “Popeye” Wynn, it was Matt “No Nickname Yet” Selby. Perhaps the Chiefs Man ought to visit Specsavers.

5 minutes into the period saw the Tigers go on a power play with Nicky “You What?” Watt doing porridge for interference. Lumberjack Joe Rand curried favour with the Bison crowd during the penalty kill. Sandwiched between two Tigers, who nibbled away at him, he well and truly brought home the bacon as battled hard and kept possession of the puck. It looked like it would be easier to pick up a greasy sausage from the ice using a teaspoon that to poach the puck away from Joe. Eventually his goose was cooked, but valuable seconds had been eaten up. Joe showed that you don’t have to feast on a banquet of goals to contribute to the team’s success. As he left the ice, he attracted a spontaneous burst of applause from the gourmet crowd for what he had brought to the table. Just mustard, Joe.

Before the power play had expired Bison nearly scored a short handed goal. An exocet style slap shot was hammered in from just inside the Tigers’ blue line. If Ryan had been given the choice of stopping the shot or swimming the seven seas, he may have chosen the latter as the easier option. However, no-one heard him saying, “Gimme the Speedos”. Instead he flashed the glove and the puck disappeared into the netting like a small particle of food being ingested by a large leather amoeba. The Charlestown Chiefs Man wrote down “Watt – slapshot – glove save”. 2 seconds later, the aforementioned Nicky Watt returned to the ice from the penalty box. The shooter had been Cesky. What was I saying about Specsavers?

Close to the half way point, Matt Selby was denied a goal. It would have been his first for Bison. However, he was adjudged to have kicked the puck in and, to make matters worse, he was in the crease when he did it. Apart from washing off the “goal” perhaps Bison should have had a goal deducted for this double offense. Thankfully not. 

On 34 minutes Thomas Soar made Matt Selby feel very sore when he bundled him into the boards. Matt stayed down injured, as one of his teammates sought to settle the score with Soar. The players huddled together, not to conserve body heat, but to politely exchange opinions at close quarters. Suddenly fists were flying and many of those observing from afar assumed that the Bison protagonist was that well known pugilist, Nicky Watt. But no. It was ………… Lumberjack Joe Rand! 2 + 2 roughing for each was the sentence on termination of the hostilities. Matt took no further part in the game, but thankfully, so the Bespectacled Youth found out, was not seriously injured. And ...... Joe Rand? Yes Joe Rand!

Minutes later it was 3-0. A defense splitting pass from Maple Leaf Doug Sheppard put in Shoeless Joe Miller. Joe hammered forward at breakneck speed. He couldn’t have got to goal faster than if he’d hitched a ride on the back of the Planet Ice Zamboni – on second thoughts that would have slowed him down. He deked and when he saw the whites of Ryan’s eyes, he shot. PING! The puck cannoned in off the bar. The goal light came on. Joe’s arms were raised aloft in triumph. A tumultuous turbulence broke out in the Bison blocks as cries of approval rent the air. The fat lady might just as well have started singing at this point, as, although there was still a whole period to play, the game was to peter out somewhat tamely with Bison doubtless keen to conserve their energy for tonight’s visit to the Dog’s kennel.

Cuddly Joe Greener was Bison’s man of the match. It had been a rather one sided affair. If you had to use a Monoploly analogy Bison would be Mayfair to the Tigers Old Kent Road. Whilst Telford did not even pass “Go”, Bison grabbed their chance and thrilled the Bison community, perhaps not with a chest full of goals, but certainly with enough on the board to ultimately send the Tigers to jail and bank the 2 points available.

A final word for stand in goaltender, Dan Green (I don’t think he’s related to either Desperate Dan or Hughie Green), borrowed from the Nottingham Panthers to cover for Stonewall Stevie Lyle’s absence on Team GB duty. You can only save what the opposition throws at you and, although Dan faced only 12 shots on target in the game, he dealt with everything admirably to record another Bison shutout. They all count. Well done, Dan.