Bison Down the Dirty Dogs

Bison 6 Sheffield Steeldogs 2

30/3/14

2 goal Joe Rand gave Bison a leg up to the Coventry playoffs in a one sided 2 leg victory over the Steeldogs, which made the Dogs look like a load of legless men, as Bison whipped the legs from under them, leaving them without a leg to stand on. Bison’s quest for play off silverware most definitely has legs.

Bison had seized the advantage by winning the first leg by 2-0 at the Dogs’ kennel the previous evening. It was a night of surely the most bizarre officiating ever seen. The officials failed to call numerous infractions, the most outrageous of which was a deliberate kick on a prostrate Deans Skinns by the odious and detestable Craig Elliott, who was to prove equally repulsive and repellent at Planet Ice. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder would have seen more that these officials. However, that was history. Last night Bison had to continue their dominance and make sure that the Steeldogs ant was crushed under the size 13 Doc Marten which is Basingstoke Bison. This they did and an out-of-sight 8-2 aggregate win could have caused the crowd to fill the auditorium with a rendition of …♫ We’re all going to Coventry…♫…We’re all going to Coventry…♫….La-la-la-la…♫…La-la-la-la…♫, but thankfully didn’t. Instead they shook the very rafters of Planet Ice singing the traditional “Great Escape” at an elephantine volume and why not? 

It wasn’t long before the game sheet filler outer was scribbling. On 4 minutes Tom Squires was thrown into solitary for interference and in the resultant power play Bison grabbed the lead. Cuddly Joe Greener behind the goal line fed Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov in front and he slid the puck straight through Steeldogs goaltender Dailbor Sedlar. There were more holes in and around the poor fellow than in a tea strainer (those under 40 and from the tea bag generation won’t know what one of those is). The puck passed between his pad and blocker and it was 1-0 Bison.

On 6 minutes the Dogs levelled it with a power play goal of their own. It was a Greg goal. With Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird on the naughty boy’s step for interference, Greg Wood banged in a rebounded shot from Greg Chambers. The second assistant was declared as Lee Haywood (not a Greg). 1-1. Could the Dogs, buoyed up by finally getting the puck past Dean Skinns, who had played out of his skin at Sheffield, go on from here and make it a contest? Well actually no, as I shall relate.

Shortly after we were entertained by a massive hit from Bison skipper Nicky Chinn. He hammered into a Dogs player with such titanic force that the man disappeared from view behind the boards thus preventing me from identifying him. So colossal was the hit that the Man with 3 Ear Rings speculated that he might have been knocked clean out of his skates.

Bison restored their lead in the 15th minute with as pretty a goal as you’re ever likely to see. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino broke from his own defensive zone along the left wing. His movement forward couldn’t be described as a somnolent meander. Far from it in fact. It was direct and with pace, power and purpose. Into the offensive zone he moved before picking out a pass inside to “Grandmaster” Karpov. The Dogs’ D must have seen the danger. This was no time for them to fool around, goof around, loaf around, mess around or hang around, but, like headless chickens, all they did was run around. Long Ciaron Long was charging up the right wing in support and met Karpov’s pass with a snap shot, which flew in before Sedlar could react. 2-1 Bison. Long Ciaron threw himself at the Grandmaster and the pair collapsed to the ice in a loving embrace like a pair of copulating turtles. It was a very special goal, not only in its execution, but also its significance. It was Long Ciaron’s 20^th Bison goal this season. He joins an impressive contingent of 6 other Bison players (well 5 current and 1 former to be pedantically correct) with 20 or more goals this season - Karpov, Rand, Greener, Melachrino, Miller and Connolly. 

2 minutes into the 3^rd and it was 3-1. Set up by Chinn, Aaron “Billy” Connolly fired in a shot which Sedlar saved. Alas for him Lumberjack Joe Rand latched onto the rebound, pirouetted like a ballerina and slid the puck past Sedlar.

There would be no more scoring in P2, but the period ended with the abhorrent and loathsome Craig Elliott being banged up for high sticks and then receiving an after the buzzer 10 misconduct for abuse of officials.

And so the final 20 minutes of Planet Ice hockey faced off with Bison enjoying a comfortable 5-1 aggregate lead and playing well. The Bison backers didn’t have to wait long to make their vocal chords even more enflamed with another raucous goal celebration. On 44 minutes Nicky Chinn bamboozled the Dogs D and sent a cross crease pass onto the stick tape of Lumberjack Joe Rand, who snapped it past Sedlar for 4-1.

The Dogs were getting frustrated and it all boiled over a minute and a half later when a Tom Squires interference infraction attracted the ire of Danny “The Iceberg” Ingoldsby, who seemed to want to take on all comers right in front of the Dogs’ bench. He was slapped with a 2 + 2 for roughing, Kohron with a 2 roughing and Squires a 2 interference. The Dogs men went to join the unsavoury and repugnant Craig Elliott in the box where there was standing room only – well almost.

Danny “The Iceberg”, clearly no shrinking violet, although tender of years, took his legal revenge on Squires shortly after his release from the dark, dang dungeon that is the Sapphire Cleaning penalty box with a massive hit into the boards in front of the Bison bench. Tipu Sahib, the Sultan of Mysore, once said that it was better to live one day as a tiger than a thousand years as a sheep. Danny clearly agreed with this sentiment because there was nothing sheep like about the bone crunching body check he delivered. The hapless Squires was bent in half over the top of the wall. Moments later when Ingoldsby left the ice the helmet slapping celebrations he received from his team mates confirmed their approval of his perpetration of legal violence on the hapless Squires.

Bison added to the Dogs’ misery with 2 goals in 16 seconds 52 minutes into the game, which made the Dogs look like so many lemons and as stationary as sacks of potatoes. The first was a wrist shot by Andy Melons (assists to Long and Karpov) and the second a blast from Cameron “Popeye” Wynn, set up by Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. That made it 6-1 and no way back for the Dogs, who were reeling like a man who has drunk 10 pints, smoked 5 joints and then been smashed in the face with a frying pan. Coach Payette called a time out and netman Sedlar was replaced by Bradley Day. 2 minutes later they managed to pull one back scored by Edgars Bebris assisted by Kohron and Hirst. Don’t ask me to describe the goal. I wasn’t looking. But who cares?

A minute later there was an appalling challenge on Aaron “Billy” Connolly by guess who? Yes it was the repellent and repugnant Craig Elliott. He clipped Billy and sent him cartwheeling through the air. The crowd rose to their feet in unison and bayed their protestation like a crowd of angry villagers. For those who had brought their pitchforks to the arena, now was the time to wave them. But nobody had. The Howling Man opened up with a characteristic tirade as loud as a burst of rapid fire from a Vickers machine gun, as opposed to a vicar’s machine gun (I doubt whether many vicars carry them). The offense was worthy of capital punishment surely? No merely a 2 minute minor for the obnoxious and unpleasant Elliott. Lucky man. I am now running out of adjectives to put before the name of Elliott and, in case I haven’t expressed it clearly enough, no I don't like him.

 

The clock ticked down to zero and Bison had progressed in the quest to find the pot of gold (actually more of a chrome egg cup) at the end of the Coventry rainbow. Let’s not go off on a red herring. Steeldog faces were red with embarrassment. This was black and white with no grey areas. During Bison’s purple patch, which was really the whole game, the Dogs had shown the white flag and earned themselves a black mark from their coach. Talk about showing a red rag to a bull. Payette was purple in the face. It was a red letter day the Bison forwards who had been shown the green light to paint the town red and put the Dogs’ goal account well into the red. They had beaten their opponents black and blue, resulting in a blue feeling on a very grey evening for the visiting fans. They must have been green with envy at the talent on show on the Bison bench. They say the grass is greener on the other side, but the Dogs faithful must have hoped in vain for a white knight like Joe Greener or, failing that, some sort of black magic solution to put their account back in the black and their team in the pink. The blueprint for success had eluded them.

Record for Skinns as Long's 2 Goal Blast Sinks Lightning

Bison 4 Milton Keynes Lightning 1

23/3/14

Down to Planet Ice they came in their droves for the last game of the regular season. Oxobloke was clutching his flask of gravy, the Headbanger wore his Metallica T-shirt under his Bison jersey, the Genial Brummie had a smile on his face, the Howling Man and the Crinkly Haired Lady were ready to exercise their vocal chords. (Well nearly all were present. The seat of the Man from MI5, who watches incognito from Block C, was empty. Was he really absent or merely in a dastardly disguise?) They came to see what was effectively a dead rubber, league positions and play off quarter final opponents already decided. Was it going to be a dull practice style game with two teams pussy footing around trying to avoid injury? No it most certainly was not. The game was played with a tough competitive spirit and in the end Bison emerged worthy winners over a spirited Lightning.

Bison snatched the lead on 6 minutes. A lightning break caught Lightning in a 3 on 2 with Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov streaking down on the goal with lightning pace from wide left. He unleashed not a dog but a shot, which MK goaltender Stephen Wall saved but could not freeze. The rebound went straight to Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino, who fired home with the accuracy of a bullet shot from Annie Oakley’s Winchester rifle. 1-0 Bison. The goal caused the Bison backers to behave as if intoxicated. Had they drunk a vat of Vat 69 or a silo of Cointreau perhaps? No – they were merely drunk on success.

6 minutes later an appalling and most shocking outrage occurred in front of the penalty boxes. Janne Jokila seemed to want to live up to his name and kill a Joe as he launched an assault on Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird. Perhaps I missed something which the officials saw because I didn’t see Joe doing anything other than standing his ground and refraining from retaliating. However, each was giving a 2 roughing penalty. The doors of their respective penal institutions swung open and they didn’t have far to go.

The period drew to a close with no further scoring. Bison had had the better of the period with a shot count of 12-6 in their favour. The 2^nd period was to see a similar pattern.

At the beginning of the 2^nd a scramble behind the MK net resulted in Karpov losing his stick. The Man with 3 Ear Rings speculated that the Grandmaster was so skillful he could play without one. However, he decided to pick up the stick anyway and a couple of minutes later used it in an interchange with Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino. The set up for Long Ciaron Long in front of goal was perfect. Long Ciaron’s shot smacked into the wall which is Stephen Wall with a very loud thud. I lost sight of the puck, but I did see the goal light coming on. It was a goal. The puck had gone straight through the hapless Wall, who had proved not to be a wall of any substance after all. 2-0 Bison.

On 34 minutes it was 3-0. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn combined with Coach Sheppard behind the net. Maple Leaf Doug spotted his Canadian compatriot Lumberjack Joe Rand in front of the net a fed him a pass. Joe’s first shot was saved, but the rebound came straight back to him and he slotted home with further ado for his 30th goal of the season. The concession of the goal caused the Lightning backers to be plunged headlong into the Ravine of Doom, whereas their Bison counterparts ascended to the top of Mount Nirvana.

The period ended with Bison 3-0 to the good and sitting comfortably. However, as we know, a 3 goal lead in hockey is nothing. 3 goals can be scored in the time it would take to say, “My hovercraft is full of eels” and so MK were always going to be in with a shout. The problem was how were they going to find a way past Bison netman Dean Skinns, who was moving towards the milestone of having played every minute of every game in the season? He seems as impregnable as ever, particularly when MK caught Bison in a 2 on 1 at the beginning of the 3^rd. Lightning’s top marksman, Stanislav Lascek, elected to shoot rather than pass, but, alas for him, he saw Deano execute his characteristic splits butterfly and, seemingly nonchalantly, pluck the attempted top shelfer out of the air. It was classic Deano.

MK were beginning to become as frustrated as a family of head lice trying to find a home on Joe Baird’s head. Eventually they found a way to crack the Bison D and it was Lascek, formerly of the Chicoutimi Sagueneens (great name), who would be the architect of the goal.  In a rush towards goal he jinked through the Bison D with craft and cunning, agility and alacrity, subtlety and subterfuge, which was much admired by the connoisseurs of fine skating in the crowd. As he skated across the front of the crease he delivered a drop pass into the path of Tom Carlon. The Lightning man unleashed a wrist shot from the slot which beat Skinns for sheer pace and flew in 5-hole before Deano could shut it.

It was 3-1 and MK were back in the game. They had to keep cool, keep it tight and keep their discipline. They seemed to be doing this very well and even drew a penalty. A cross check from Carl “Scooter” Graham made the referee very cross and he ordered Graham to check into the penalty box for 2 minutes. MK could make no impression with their power play, however, and 1 second before the expiration of the Graham penalty, the referee blew his whistle.  Had Whistling Jack Smith been present he could have stopped play. (Who? A one hit wonder from 1967.  Don’t bother watching the Youtube clip of “I was Kaiser Bill’s Batman” - it’s pretty naff.) But Jack wasn’t so the referee had to rely on his Acme Thunderer instead. Janne Jokila, the man who had earlier tried to kill a Joe, was adjudged to have hooked, this time a Sheppard not a Joe, and into the slammer he went of his own accord and without bothering to wait for a striped escort or even an armed response unit to assist in his removal. He knew he was banged to rights and to discuss a contrary view of the proceedings with the referee would have been waste of time. This was not what the MK faithful were looking for. Their team was 2 goals to the bad with around 10 minutes remaining and on the penalty kill. To concede a penalty, which gave Bison the chance of a power play goal, was as undesirable as the scrapings from the inside of an elephant herder’s turban. But that is exactly what they had done and it turned out to be a penalty too far as Bison took advantage of the power play and sealed the win with a 4^th and final goal on 50 minutes.

The scorer was Long Ciaron Long with his second of the game and what a goal it was. Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino battled long for the puck on the boards and fed Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. He slewed a long pass to the opposite point where lurked Long Ciaron Long. The long and the short of it was that Long Ciaron didn’t need to think long and hard or take a long look at the goal. He knew exactly where it was. The crowd, who were longing for a 4^th goal, didn’t have to wait for long to see what Long was going to do. He brought his stick down in a long arc and crack! it hit the ice and followed through to the back of the puck. Before long (in fact in a split second) the puck had flown the long distance from the point to the back of the net via the bar with a sonorous clunk. It was so long to MK and the fat lady was singing, not the Beatles classic “Long, Long, Long”, but “So Long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night” from the Sound of Music.

A final word for Dean Skinns, whose season's record will show that he played every minute of every game (apart from empty net situations of course). A great achievement. But not only that he put to bed all the doubts about whether he could follow in the pads of Stonewall Stevie Lyle. He has had a fantastic season and, if there is anyone out there he hasn’t won over, they must be curmudgeonly down-in-the-mouths suffering from a severe paucity of spirit. Speedway Girl, holder of membership card number 001 of the Dean Skinns Appreciation Society must have a warm glow inside.

Bison Pull Down Payette's Trousers Once Again

Bison 4 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

15/3/14

We didn’t need Mystic Jo to predict what kind of hockey fare would be served up for André Payette’s Sheffield Steeldogs’ 3^rd visit of the season to Planet Ice. Yawningly predictably it was the usual physical, bad tempered, agitating, intimidating, cheap shotting, rule bending, bullying, blustering type of game, at which the Dogs excel. Past masters they may be at this brand of play, but that doesn’t mean it gets results. Bison managed to pull Payette’s trousers down (thankfully not literally) for the 5^th time out of 6 meetings this season, but it was close.

The first surprise of the evening was Payette, a man of limited hockey talent, starting on the top line. The reason for this became apparent very soon after – he wanted a piece of Matt “The Tank” Selby. And that’s what he got. With the puck miles away he hammered into Matt the Tank, doubtless hoping to provoke him into a fight. Matt is now 18 years old, which is lucky for Payette as his assault could have landed him with a criminal charge of child abuse. The cynical assault went unseen by the officials, who, seconds later, were doling out a roughing penalty to Ben Morgan following a big bundle on the boards at the other end. A few minutes later there broke out an opprobrious outrage of the most brutal and barbarous kind, following a Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird slash. The unsavoury Craig Elliott (we know all about him – see previous reports) steamed in and blows were exchanged. 2 slashing and 2 + 2 roughing to Joe and 2 + 2 roughing and a 10 misconduct for Elliott. That would not be his last visit to the box during the course of the game. Mystic Jo would not be required to predict that one either.

Let’s not forget there was a hockey game going on as well. And it would be the Dogs who would snatch the lead on 7 minutes. Ashley Calvert’s wayward shot hammered against the glass and fell fortuitously to Tom Squires in front of the net. He hammered home before Bison netman Dean Skinns realised where the puck was. 1-0 Dogs.

Bison levelled it 2 minutes later on the power play with Steve Duncombe in the slammer for high sticks. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba’s shot was saved by Dalibor Sedlar, but the rebound went straight to Cuddly Joe Greener. There was nothing scrambled or untidy about the finish unlike other Bison goals I will be mentioning. The puck was put away clinically, precisely and decisively. All square.

Bison were having much the better of the play in the period, which ended with a shot count of 12-3 in their favour, but they needed to capitalise and this they did in the 14^th minute. Cuddly Joe bagged another. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn won a face off in the Dogs’ defensive zone. The puck fell perfectly for Joe who rifled in the sweetest wrist shot you are ever likely to see before Sedlar knew what was happening. It was a bonzer goal and had any Australians been present would have ripped open tinnys of Fosters in celebration, unless they were Dogs supporters instead, in which case the ring on the tinny would have remained unpulled. 2-1 Bison. 

No sooner had P2 opened than Payette was called for a stick holding offense. Stick holding? What an understatement! He snatched Muzzy Wales’s stick from his grasp, skated around with it and then dropped it realising he was holding a smoking gun. He then adopted the innocent look of a puppy sitting at the side of your shredded slippers. Who me? Yes you. Down the river he went. He served his sentence in full as the Dogs successfully defended the 5 on 4 and only 6 seconds after he emerged from the box a reformed character full of penitence and contrition (no not really) he levelled it up for the Dogs. Greg Wood’s shot was stick saved but rebounded straight into the path of the onrushing Donkey. A snap shot and it was 2-2. He threw his generous form against the glass in an exuberant celebration, which must have frightened the goal judge.

The Dogs took the lead on the power play on 36 minutes in controversial circumstances. Bison were called for an icing infringement. It was an outrage, bearing in mind the fact that the Dogs had previously committed at least one themselves and got away with it. Joe Greener protested as did the Howling Man, the latter at a considerably higher volume. In fact his protest was louder than a blast blown on an Acme Thunderer referee’s whistle by the man with the largest lungs in the world (I am not sure who that might be). All to no avail. Any “Machine Gun” Melachrino entered the box to serve the bench penalty. 39 seconds later Lee Haywood set up Steve Duncombe for a slap shot just inside the blue line. The exocet shot arrowed in and fired the Dogs into a 3-2.

The period ended with a bizarre incident. With 0.9 seconds on the clock there was a face off in the Bison defensive zone. Payette called off his goaltender to get an extra man on the ice. Why? Surely the only way a goal could have been scored would have been the puck freakishly flying in straight from stick clash of the face off. Why therefore was an extra man needed? What was the tactical thinking behind this move? I wasn’t going to ask Payette. You can if you like.

It had not been a good period for Bison – P2 rarely is. Over the 40 minutes of play they had been the better side, but they now found themselves languishing in arrears and with news of a Manchester Phoenix reverse at Swindon coming through on the wires (mobile phones actually) they needed to pull a rabbit out of a hat. The rabbit duly appeared and holding it by the ears was Lumberjack Joe Rand, who would score 2 of the scrappiest goals you are ever likely to see. To liken the goals to artistic masterpieces worthy of hanging in the Tate would be a stretch of the imagination of the most biased of Bison backers, but they all count and you have to be Johnny on the spot and stick your stick where they don’t want it (like Lance Corporal Jones and his bayonet) to get these dirty goals and this is exactly what Joe did. The first followed a shot by Coach Sheppard which Sedlar saved but couldn’t hold. The puck slid through him and came to rest agonisingly for the Dogs and inviting for Bison on the goal line giving rise to a blue paint scramble of frantic proportions. The puck was forced across the line and Lumberjack Joe’s lumber was adjudged to have put it there. Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Maple Leaf Doug were declared assistants. The reaction of the Bison crowd was substantial, sublime and sustained, not substandard, subsiding or subdued. 3-3 and all to play for.

With 6 minutes remaining a series of game deciding incidents occurred. A bundle in front of the Bison net culminated in Dean Skinns eventually covering the puck followed by the usual post whistle pushing and shoving. A disagreement between Greg “Chubbs” Chambers and his former Bison team mates quickly escalated into an outrageous affray of the most uncivilised variety. When the dust had settled it was Chambers who had been seen throwing a punch and it was only he who would have his collar felt. Into the glasshouse he went and in the subsequent power play Bison snatched the game winner. Don’t ask me how it went in. All I could see were bodies flying everywhere, goalies floundering, sticks poking and slashing, nets moving off moorings, goal lights coming on and, most importantly, the referee pointing to the net with a flat hand to indicate a goal. In the final analysis it had been Lumberjack Joe Rand who had again proved as sharp as the tip of a freshly sharpened HB pencil and had got the puck over the line before the net moved. Connolly picked up an assist for the goal. With zest, zeal, zip and zing Bison had zoomed to zone zenith, while the Dogs had zig-zagged to a zonked, zapped zero. 4-3 Bison.

But there was still time to play and 2 minutes later there was another blue paint scramble, this time at the Bison end. It ended with the puck falling to Duncombe whose slap shot from the slot hit a prostrate player and flew high into the netting above the glass much to the relief of the Bison backers. With just over a minute remaining Coach Sheppard called a time out and Payette called his goaltender off. 6 on 5 became 6 on 4 when Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds was jailed for holding. The Dogs could not capitalise and instead capitulated. The final buzzer was greeted with relief by the Bison backers.

The men down from Sheffield had thrown the gauntlet down, but Bison had taken them down. The Dogs had been brought down, broken down, cut down, cast down, slapped down, worn down and knocked down. When it all boiled down to it, it was a thumbs down performance. The chips were down and their defeat had been mainly down to their D failing to close Bison down. The home team had knuckled down and ground the visitors down, as the clock ran down, to nail down an emphatic win. Payette’s trousers had been pulled down and it was now time for the Dogs to stand down, ring the curtain down and prepare for the coach’s dressing down.