Bison Pull Down Payette's Trousers Once Again

Bison 4 Sheffield Steeldogs 3

15/3/14

We didn’t need Mystic Jo to predict what kind of hockey fare would be served up for André Payette’s Sheffield Steeldogs’ 3^rd visit of the season to Planet Ice. Yawningly predictably it was the usual physical, bad tempered, agitating, intimidating, cheap shotting, rule bending, bullying, blustering type of game, at which the Dogs excel. Past masters they may be at this brand of play, but that doesn’t mean it gets results. Bison managed to pull Payette’s trousers down (thankfully not literally) for the 5^th time out of 6 meetings this season, but it was close.

The first surprise of the evening was Payette, a man of limited hockey talent, starting on the top line. The reason for this became apparent very soon after – he wanted a piece of Matt “The Tank” Selby. And that’s what he got. With the puck miles away he hammered into Matt the Tank, doubtless hoping to provoke him into a fight. Matt is now 18 years old, which is lucky for Payette as his assault could have landed him with a criminal charge of child abuse. The cynical assault went unseen by the officials, who, seconds later, were doling out a roughing penalty to Ben Morgan following a big bundle on the boards at the other end. A few minutes later there broke out an opprobrious outrage of the most brutal and barbarous kind, following a Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird slash. The unsavoury Craig Elliott (we know all about him – see previous reports) steamed in and blows were exchanged. 2 slashing and 2 + 2 roughing to Joe and 2 + 2 roughing and a 10 misconduct for Elliott. That would not be his last visit to the box during the course of the game. Mystic Jo would not be required to predict that one either.

Let’s not forget there was a hockey game going on as well. And it would be the Dogs who would snatch the lead on 7 minutes. Ashley Calvert’s wayward shot hammered against the glass and fell fortuitously to Tom Squires in front of the net. He hammered home before Bison netman Dean Skinns realised where the puck was. 1-0 Dogs.

Bison levelled it 2 minutes later on the power play with Steve Duncombe in the slammer for high sticks. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba’s shot was saved by Dalibor Sedlar, but the rebound went straight to Cuddly Joe Greener. There was nothing scrambled or untidy about the finish unlike other Bison goals I will be mentioning. The puck was put away clinically, precisely and decisively. All square.

Bison were having much the better of the play in the period, which ended with a shot count of 12-3 in their favour, but they needed to capitalise and this they did in the 14^th minute. Cuddly Joe bagged another. Bison skipper Nicky Chinn won a face off in the Dogs’ defensive zone. The puck fell perfectly for Joe who rifled in the sweetest wrist shot you are ever likely to see before Sedlar knew what was happening. It was a bonzer goal and had any Australians been present would have ripped open tinnys of Fosters in celebration, unless they were Dogs supporters instead, in which case the ring on the tinny would have remained unpulled. 2-1 Bison. 

No sooner had P2 opened than Payette was called for a stick holding offense. Stick holding? What an understatement! He snatched Muzzy Wales’s stick from his grasp, skated around with it and then dropped it realising he was holding a smoking gun. He then adopted the innocent look of a puppy sitting at the side of your shredded slippers. Who me? Yes you. Down the river he went. He served his sentence in full as the Dogs successfully defended the 5 on 4 and only 6 seconds after he emerged from the box a reformed character full of penitence and contrition (no not really) he levelled it up for the Dogs. Greg Wood’s shot was stick saved but rebounded straight into the path of the onrushing Donkey. A snap shot and it was 2-2. He threw his generous form against the glass in an exuberant celebration, which must have frightened the goal judge.

The Dogs took the lead on the power play on 36 minutes in controversial circumstances. Bison were called for an icing infringement. It was an outrage, bearing in mind the fact that the Dogs had previously committed at least one themselves and got away with it. Joe Greener protested as did the Howling Man, the latter at a considerably higher volume. In fact his protest was louder than a blast blown on an Acme Thunderer referee’s whistle by the man with the largest lungs in the world (I am not sure who that might be). All to no avail. Any “Machine Gun” Melachrino entered the box to serve the bench penalty. 39 seconds later Lee Haywood set up Steve Duncombe for a slap shot just inside the blue line. The exocet shot arrowed in and fired the Dogs into a 3-2.

The period ended with a bizarre incident. With 0.9 seconds on the clock there was a face off in the Bison defensive zone. Payette called off his goaltender to get an extra man on the ice. Why? Surely the only way a goal could have been scored would have been the puck freakishly flying in straight from stick clash of the face off. Why therefore was an extra man needed? What was the tactical thinking behind this move? I wasn’t going to ask Payette. You can if you like.

It had not been a good period for Bison – P2 rarely is. Over the 40 minutes of play they had been the better side, but they now found themselves languishing in arrears and with news of a Manchester Phoenix reverse at Swindon coming through on the wires (mobile phones actually) they needed to pull a rabbit out of a hat. The rabbit duly appeared and holding it by the ears was Lumberjack Joe Rand, who would score 2 of the scrappiest goals you are ever likely to see. To liken the goals to artistic masterpieces worthy of hanging in the Tate would be a stretch of the imagination of the most biased of Bison backers, but they all count and you have to be Johnny on the spot and stick your stick where they don’t want it (like Lance Corporal Jones and his bayonet) to get these dirty goals and this is exactly what Joe did. The first followed a shot by Coach Sheppard which Sedlar saved but couldn’t hold. The puck slid through him and came to rest agonisingly for the Dogs and inviting for Bison on the goal line giving rise to a blue paint scramble of frantic proportions. The puck was forced across the line and Lumberjack Joe’s lumber was adjudged to have put it there. Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Maple Leaf Doug were declared assistants. The reaction of the Bison crowd was substantial, sublime and sustained, not substandard, subsiding or subdued. 3-3 and all to play for.

With 6 minutes remaining a series of game deciding incidents occurred. A bundle in front of the Bison net culminated in Dean Skinns eventually covering the puck followed by the usual post whistle pushing and shoving. A disagreement between Greg “Chubbs” Chambers and his former Bison team mates quickly escalated into an outrageous affray of the most uncivilised variety. When the dust had settled it was Chambers who had been seen throwing a punch and it was only he who would have his collar felt. Into the glasshouse he went and in the subsequent power play Bison snatched the game winner. Don’t ask me how it went in. All I could see were bodies flying everywhere, goalies floundering, sticks poking and slashing, nets moving off moorings, goal lights coming on and, most importantly, the referee pointing to the net with a flat hand to indicate a goal. In the final analysis it had been Lumberjack Joe Rand who had again proved as sharp as the tip of a freshly sharpened HB pencil and had got the puck over the line before the net moved. Connolly picked up an assist for the goal. With zest, zeal, zip and zing Bison had zoomed to zone zenith, while the Dogs had zig-zagged to a zonked, zapped zero. 4-3 Bison.

But there was still time to play and 2 minutes later there was another blue paint scramble, this time at the Bison end. It ended with the puck falling to Duncombe whose slap shot from the slot hit a prostrate player and flew high into the netting above the glass much to the relief of the Bison backers. With just over a minute remaining Coach Sheppard called a time out and Payette called his goaltender off. 6 on 5 became 6 on 4 when Kurt “The Knife” Reynolds was jailed for holding. The Dogs could not capitalise and instead capitulated. The final buzzer was greeted with relief by the Bison backers.

The men down from Sheffield had thrown the gauntlet down, but Bison had taken them down. The Dogs had been brought down, broken down, cut down, cast down, slapped down, worn down and knocked down. When it all boiled down to it, it was a thumbs down performance. The chips were down and their defeat had been mainly down to their D failing to close Bison down. The home team had knuckled down and ground the visitors down, as the clock ran down, to nail down an emphatic win. Payette’s trousers had been pulled down and it was now time for the Dogs to stand down, ring the curtain down and prepare for the coach’s dressing down.