Bison Bounce Bees Back to Bracknell

Bison 3 Bracknell Bees 2

27/12/15

Bison backers in their hordes and Bees backers in their handfuls dragged themselves away from their refrigerators full of cold turkey to witness the spectacle of Bison v Bees. The last time the Bracknell Bees visited Planet Ice they suffered a double figure debacle. This time they lost by only 3-2 instead of the previous 10-2. Had they tightened up their defence or were the Bison players full of turkey and Christmas pud? Who knows? It mattered not as Bison carried off the points they needed to sustain their challenge for the EPL title and with the table topping Peterborough Phantoms suffering a double reverse at the hands of the Milton Keynes Lightning it was enough to send the Bison backers into raptures of ecstasy, even the stand in announcer – more about him later.

Bison snatched the lead on 8 minutes. Don’t ask me to describe the goal – I wasn’t there. Thank you snarled up M25. All I can tell you is that it was a power play goal following a tripping Lewis Turner taking a trip to the box. The scorer was Long Ciaron Long assisted by Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba and René Jarolin. Alas not only did I miss the goal, but I also missed the stand in announcer’s doubtless enthusiastic broadcast of the details. 1-0 Bison.

The period ended with a severely outplayed Bees (they managed only 2 shots on the Bison net) hanging on to a respectable solitary goal deficit. They were much improved in the 2^nd, however, and on 33:31 snatched an unlikely equaliser on the power play. On 32:51 Stuart “The Cat” Mogg was escorted to the penalty box for to serve a 2 minute custodial sentence without remission for good behaviour for tripping. He did receive remission but only because the Bees scored. Milan Koustourec drifted across the slot looking for an opportunity to shoot through the screen of players between himself and the goal. Suddenly he unleashed a wrist shot and the net bulged. “Players in the crease!” enunciated the Bespectacled Youth at high volume. Clearly goaltender Jon Baston agreed as he remonstrated with officialdom, but to no avail. Remember “The Prisoner” with Patrick McGoohan as “number six” – a Sunday night television drama from the late 60s. “I am not a number. I am a free man,” he would declare every week. Well perhaps the stand in announcer thought that those involved in the goal had forgone their liberty in a similar fashion to number six as he declared a series of numbers (88/24/10) but no names for the scorers and assistants.

With the score now at 1-1 the mood amongst the Bison backers now became as flat as a pummelled and pounded pancake, plastered and perished, prostrate, prone and procumbent. They had expected another cricket score, but it just wasn’t happening. The period ended all square at 1-1.

So, having grabbed that equalising score, the Bees now started the 3^rd period from scratch, but would they come up to scratch and emerge without a scratch or would they have their eyes scratched out and be scratched from the proceedings. It turned out to be the latter and it took Bison only 1:14 of the 3^rd to surge into the lead and make the Bees doubt that they had bought the scratch card of success. Set up by Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, Jarolin moved around the back of the goal. Had goaltender Mettam travelled on the London underground recently he might have heard the warning “Mind the gap” on the platform tannoy. In this instance the gap which needed minding was between himself and the post. He didn’t. The Slovak sorcerer found the gap between Mettam and the post on the wraparound. Mettam, sporting a colossal beard which turned out to be of no assistance to him, must have been so embarrassed to concede a wraparound goal that he might have wanted to run away like a man who has had a shot of Pain is Good Batch #114 Jamaican Hot Sauce squirted up his left nostril. Look I’ve told you before about these hot sauces which I keep mentioning – they really exist. Go on Google it. The stand in announcer, clearly intoxicated with rhapsodic elation and delirious with joyful euphoria, enthusiastically broadcast the scorer and assistants for the goal. 2-1 Bison.

  

2 minutes later it was 3-1. This was more like it thought the Bison backers. The goal was a piece of hockey theatre. It had everything you could want – drama, a chase, calamity, antagonism, tension, pathos and joy all rolled into one, but thankfully no sex, although I have to say it was a sexy goal. How was it scored? Well I only saw it once in real time without the benefit of action replays from 18 different angles and in slo-mo. By the time Bison TV posts up their match highlights my humble account may be exposed as a tissue of lies – a combination of misinformation, exaggeration, half truths and downright falsehoods. However, this is what I think I saw…...

It all started with Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird having his collar felt for roughing on 42:27. “It’s a fair cop,” said Joe as he skated off to the institute of correction which is the penalty box to serve his sentence. In the ensuing power play the Bees buzzed around the honey pot which was the Bison goal looking for an opening for a shot, but finding this difficult due to the defensive screen in front of goal. Eventually Milan Koustourek (I think it was him) received the puck in the slot from where he fired a slap shot goalwards. Much to his chagrin, Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer was in the way and the puck rebounded back to Koustourec who failed to get it properly under control. Suddenly Long Ciaron Long was on the scene. He stick lifted Koustourec and then kicked (I think) the puck forwards. Koustourek had a head start as the two raced forward in pursuit of the loose puck. Long Ciaron moved with the grace of Rudolph Nureyev and the speed of a thoroughbred racehorse. Koustourek’s movement was not so much Bolshoi Ballet, but more Keystone Cops and not so much Aintree, but more Blackpool beach. Eventually the poor fellow, dispossessed, outpaced, demoralised and doubtless embarrassed, fell over in a Frank Spencer-esque finale to his part in the action. Oooo Betty. Long Ciaron took the puck wide to Mettam’s right and then calmly backhanded across the line for a shortie, his second on successive nights. It looked like it was going down on the game sheet as an unassisted goal. The stand in announcer now entered the twilight zone of frenzied delectation as he announced the scorer in tones which clearly indicated he was intoxicated with joy. But an unassisted goal it turned out not to be. Balmer’s block to set up the chase was declared worthy of an assist, but not straight away. We had to wait a few minutes for the stand in announcer’s broadcast rapturously and blissfully delivered from his location on cloud nine. 3-1 Bison.

It may have been 3-1, but Bison were not cruising and a late Bees goal set the nerves a-jangling. It was scored on 56:37 and led to an uncomfortable few minutes for the home fans. A rebounded shot was bundled in. 67 from 88 we were told in Prisoner-esque style but no more. I can tell you that was Alex Barker from Milan Koustourek.

There was hope for the Bees, but the clocked ticked down and it was now last chance saloon for the Bracknell bumblers. They must have been amazed, after their previous 10-2 trousers down spanking at Planet Ice to be in a position of only a solitary goal to the bad and a minute to play, but time was running out fast. Both Mettam and his beard were pulled and on came skater no.6 (not Patrick McGoohan) to exert pressure on the Bison goal. Very soon an almighty melée developed in front of the Bison net. The scene was disordered and unruly, tumultuous and chaotic, anarchic and turbulent as players jabbed and stabbed, wacked and thwacked, mashed, smashed and slashed at the loose puck, but to no avail as a sonorous blast from referee Dave Cloutman’s Acme Thunderer indicated a stop in play for net off moorings. There were to be no more goals and moments later the final buzzer sounded as did the stand in announcer with an enthusiastic and rhapsodic declaration of “Bison 3 Bracknell Bees 2” just in case no-one could see the large illuminated numbers on the scoreboards at each end of the rink. Top Bananas were the appropriately named Tom Beesley for the Bees and Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for Bison. Off trudged Bison and Bee faithful alike, doubtless to their refrigerators and meals of cold turkey.

Auzins Returns to Haunt Bison

Bison 2 Peterborough Phantoms 3

11/12/13

Last night at Planet Ice Bison welcomed the Peterborough Phantoms for a tight titanic table topping tussle. At the final buzzer it was the Phantoms who emerged the winners in a robust, physical and highly competitive game, which saw them outplayed and outshot for long periods, but emerge winners which enabled them to leapfrog Bison to the top of the EPL. In the final analysis their outstanding goaltender Janis Auzins effectively won it for them. Their luck was in complete contrast to last Sunday’s game when they outshot the Swindon Wildcats by 47-14, but still needed up losing the game by 1-0. Perhaps last night, therefore, they deserved a bit of luck.

The game started badly for the Phantoms. Within the first 20 seconds they had turned the puck over in their own defensive zone and then Marc Levers nervously hoisted the puck over the plexi. A loud sonorous blast emanated from the referee’s whistle. “You can’t do that, old chap. That’s delay of the game,” he said. “You must face the consequences of your actions and serve a custodial sentence”. Within a minute of the power play Bison had scored. The Phantoms were simply outnumbered, outplayed and outdone as the puck moved from Lumberjack Joe Rand to Ryan “You What” Watt to René Jarolin, who swiped an airborne puck past Janis Auzins and into the ghostly net for 1-0 Bison.

Bison dominance continued and it would be 3 minutes before a Phantoms player entered the Bison defensive zone. However, a couple of power plays with penalties awarded to Bison on 3:53 and 7:13 gave them possession and confidence and the game became more evenly balanced and eventually resulted in a levelling score on 9 minutes. An attempted pass from one side of the back of the goal to the other hit the goal frame and went straight to Craig Scott who immediately passed out from behind the goal line where Martins Susters lurked in front of the net. Judging by his first name you might get confused that there were two players called Martin Susters. Had there been they might have got in each other's way. There weren’t and they didn’t. The solitary Susters fired in. 1-1.

The period concluded on a much more even keel than had looked likely after the opening exchanges. The 2^nd proved to be one of utter dominance from the home side with a shot count of 23-8. Despite this Bison could score but a solitary goal, the hero of the hour (actually 20 minures) being Auzins, who, not for the first time at Planet Ice, would go on to receive the Phantoms’ Top Banana award. That solitary goal came on 24:53. Lumberjack Joe Rand won a face off in the circle to the right of the Phantoms’ goal. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds picked up the ruck, skated to a central location and unleashed a wrist shot which Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack tipped in. 2-1 Bison. When the goal was scored the Irishman in Block C exclaimed "BEGORRAH!", the Australian in Block B "STRUTH!" and the men of Trio Ploskie in Block A exploded a few balloons.

In the 34^th/35^th minutes the Phantoms were presented with an opportunity to restore parity with successive penalties to a hooking Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird and a slashing Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer, which resulted in the badly behaved Bison blueliners bowling box benchward for a custodial sentence of 2 minutes each. This meant that Bison had 1:40 to defend a 5 on 3. The defence of the Bison net proved more stalwart than the siege of Pondicherry (1778 if you’re interested) and the ghostly threat was snuffed out. No sooner than Bison had returned to a complete complement than Long Ciaron Long found himself in on goal. He moved forward in a rush, with rapidity and urgency, leaving aside all temptation to be apathetic or even pathetic. He fired in a shot but Auzins proved equal to it.

The period drew to a close with Bison enjoying a 2-1 lead – not much to show for a period of utter dominance and principally due to the heroics of Auzins. Was the homesters failure to convert dominance into goals going to come back and bite them posteriorly? Ever heard of Ernesto R. Guevara de la Serna? Probably not. From 1948-53 he was a medical student at Argentina’s University of Buenos Aires. He loved playing rugby and chess, reading poetry and motorcycle touring. That’s him on the left below. Within 3 years of qualifying as a doctor he had undergone an amazing metamorphosis into Cuban revolutionary guerrilla leader Che Guevara, whose face was to adorn a million T-shirts and just as many posters. That’s the same man on the right below. If the Phantoms wanted to win this game they also had to undergo an amazing metamorphosis from the team which had been so comprehensively outplayed in the 2^nd period. This they did and went on to win the game, as I shall relate, dear reader, albeit with heavy heart.

The dictionary defines hook as “a curved or angular piece of metal or other hard substance for catching, pulling, holding, or suspending something”. Could this include a hockey stick? Yes it could and, in Ref Matthews opinion, Cuddly Joe Greener used his stick as a hook to impede his opponent in the 48^th minute. The referee blew his whistle, signalled a hooking offense and said to Cuddly Joe, ”I’m throwing you in the can for that.” And into the can he went. 6 previous power play opportunities had failed to bear fruit for the Phantoms, but on this occasion they finally made it count. Lloyd Gibson fired a cross ice pass from the left wing to Ales Padelek who slipped the puck in at the back door. 2-2. Further assist to Craig Scott.

All Bison’s good work had been undone. They needed to snatch back the initiative and regain their advantage. But, despite the homesters’ redoubled efforts, it would be the Phantoms who would grab the go ahead goal thanks to a monumental and indeed cataclysmic error from Jon Baston in the Bison net. Before I describe what happened spare a thought for the young stand-in goaltender, who has been a revelation in allowing only a single goal in his previous 2 games for Bison at an insane save percentage of 0.98. In this game he pulled off a string of impressive saves, catches and blocks to deny the Phantoms. Had one of the shots he had no right to keep out gone in, we would have had the same score had he not committed the unfortunate blunder I am about to describe. Set up by Marc Levers, James Ferrara sent a bobbling but paceless shot towards the net. We heard a thud as Baston got a pad to it, but then, much to the very grave chagrin of the Bison backers, we saw the puck slide very slowly over the line, having passed through the hapless netman’s 5-hole. It was an Ooo Betty moment for the young goaltender, whose body language clearly showed he was more than just mildly aggrieved at the manner of the score. Never mind. These things happen to all goaltenders. A further assist was awarded to Matins Susters, who, as I have already reported, is only one person.

So Bison now trailed, but had enough time to bring the game back. Now was the time to throw the kitchen sink at the Phantoms’ goal, not literally thankfully. The next 7 and a half minutes saw more action in the Phantoms’ defensive zone than had been seen at the sieges of Badajoz (1812), Mafeking (1899) and Stalingrad (1943) all rolled into one.

On 55 minutes Cuddly Joe Greener was tripped and sent headlong into the boards by Edgars Bebris. It looked very nasty and the crowd bayed for blood. Ref Matthews astonished all when he meted out merely a 2 minute minor to the errant Latvian, who for 4 years was a Sheffield Steeldog and doubtless schooled in the art of Payette-esque foul play. 30 seconds later Balmer received a 2 + 10 for checking to the head. Bearing in mind the seemingly light punishment for the Grener/Bebris incident, the penalty to Balmer had the crowd on its collective feet. Particularly vocal was the Howling Man of Block C who turned cerise as he treated all around to one of his typically incomprehensible tirades. He must have been enunciating the views held by all the Bison backers by objecting to the disparity in punishment for the two crimes, as I saw no-one disagreeing with him. Alas I could catch no words except “You moron”.

 

In the ensuing 4 on 4 Bison thought they had levelled it. When Long Ciaron fired in a shot which was saved but not covered. There then ensued a situation in front of goal which could be described as a melée magnifique, a free-for-all fracas or a demonic donnybrook (a what? OK chaos then). As the players jostled, jabbed, jolted and joggled, the scene could be accurately described as “unholy” and not only because no vicars, rabbis or bishops were involved or at least that I noticed. Eventually the puck found its way across the line only for Auzins to scoop it back out. I couldn’t see that from where I was, but the Bespectacled Youth, a closer observer in Block B, was adamant that it was over and the sight of Bison players with arms aloft confirmed that they thought so also. But the referee hadn’t seen it clearly and no goal was the black and white striped declaration.

With 1:41 remaining Baston was pulled to enable a 6 on 5. Bison continued to lay siege on the Phantoms’ net, Badajoz/Mafeking/Stalingrad style, but to not avail. The ghostly visitors held on and at the final buzzer Bison had lost their first home ice game of the season after a run of 15 consecutive wins – 2 pre season and 13 regular season games. Despite the disappointment of the loss I am sure that all fans who witnessed this edge-of-seat spectacle appreciated a game which illustrated the combative, exciting, physical and skilful brand of hockey delivered in this league. All apart from the curmudgeonly glass half empty despondents who said they weren’t coming again. But the less said about them the better. Auzins was Phantoms’ MoM, as I have already mentioned, and Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack bagged up the Bison award.