Bison 3 Bracknell Bees 2
27/12/15
Bison backers in their hordes and Bees backers in their handfuls dragged themselves away from their refrigerators full of cold turkey to witness the spectacle of Bison v Bees. The last time
the Bracknell Bees visited Planet Ice they suffered a double figure debacle.
This time they lost by only 3-2 instead of the previous 10-2. Had they
tightened up their defence or were the Bison players full of turkey and
Christmas pud? Who knows? It mattered not as Bison carried off the points they
needed to sustain their challenge for the EPL title and with the table topping
Peterborough Phantoms suffering a double reverse at the hands of the Milton
Keynes Lightning it was enough to send the Bison backers into raptures of ecstasy,
even the stand in announcer – more about him later.
Bison snatched
the lead on 8 minutes. Don’t ask me to describe the goal – I wasn’t there. Thank you snarled up M25. All
I can tell you is that it was a power play goal following a tripping Lewis
Turner taking a trip to the box. The scorer was Long Ciaron Long assisted by
Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba and René Jarolin. Alas not only did I miss the
goal, but I also missed the stand in announcer’s doubtless enthusiastic
broadcast of the details. 1-0 Bison.
The period ended
with a severely outplayed Bees (they managed only 2 shots on the Bison net)
hanging on to a respectable solitary goal deficit. They were
much improved in the 2nd, however, and on 33:31 snatched an unlikely equaliser
on the power play. On 32:51 Stuart “The Cat” Mogg was escorted to the penalty
box for to serve a 2 minute custodial sentence without remission for good behaviour
for tripping. He did receive remission but only because the Bees scored. Milan
Koustourec drifted across the slot looking for an opportunity to shoot through
the screen of players between himself and the goal. Suddenly he unleashed a
wrist shot and the net bulged. “Players in the crease!” enunciated the
Bespectacled Youth at high volume. Clearly goaltender Jon Baston agreed as he
remonstrated with officialdom, but to no avail. Remember “The Prisoner” with
Patrick McGoohan as “number six” – a Sunday night television drama from the
late 60s. “I am not a number. I am a free man,” he would declare every week. Well
perhaps the stand in announcer thought that those involved in the goal had
forgone their liberty in a similar fashion to number six as he declared a
series of numbers (88/24/10) but no names for the scorers and assistants.
With the score
now at 1-1 the mood amongst the Bison backers now became as flat as a pummelled
and pounded pancake, plastered and perished, prostrate, prone and procumbent.
They had expected another cricket score, but it just wasn’t happening. The
period ended all square at 1-1.
So, having
grabbed that equalising score, the Bees now started the 3rd period
from scratch, but would they come up to scratch and emerge without a scratch or
would they have their eyes scratched out and be scratched from the proceedings.
It turned out to be the latter and it took Bison only 1:14 of the 3rd
to surge into the lead and make the Bees doubt that they had bought the scratch
card of success. Set up by Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird and Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, Jarolin
moved around the back of the goal. Had goaltender Mettam travelled on the
London underground recently he might have heard the warning “Mind the gap” on
the platform tannoy. In this instance the gap which needed minding was between
himself and the post. He didn’t. The Slovak sorcerer found the gap between
Mettam and the post on the wraparound. Mettam, sporting a colossal beard which
turned out to be of no assistance to him, must have been so embarrassed to
concede a wraparound goal that he might have wanted to run away like a man who
has had a shot of Pain is Good Batch #114 Jamaican Hot Sauce squirted up his
left nostril. Look I’ve told you before about these hot sauces which I keep
mentioning – they really exist. Go on Google it. The stand in announcer,
clearly intoxicated with rhapsodic elation and delirious with joyful euphoria,
enthusiastically broadcast the scorer and assistants for the goal. 2-1 Bison.
2 minutes later
it was 3-1. This was more like it thought the Bison backers. The goal was a
piece of hockey theatre. It had everything you could want – drama, a chase, calamity,
antagonism, tension, pathos and joy all rolled into one, but thankfully no sex,
although I have to say it was a sexy goal. How was it scored? Well I only saw
it once in real time without the benefit of action replays from 18 different
angles and in slo-mo. By the time Bison TV posts up their match highlights my
humble account may be exposed as a tissue of lies – a combination of
misinformation, exaggeration, half truths and downright falsehoods. However,
this is what I think I saw…...
It all started
with Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird having his collar felt for roughing on 42:27.
“It’s a fair cop,” said Joe as he skated off to the institute of correction
which is the penalty box to serve his sentence. In the ensuing power play the
Bees buzzed around the honey pot which was the Bison goal looking for an
opening for a shot, but finding this difficult due to the defensive screen in
front of goal. Eventually Milan Koustourek (I think it was him) received the
puck in the slot from where he fired a slap shot goalwards. Much to his
chagrin, Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer was in the way and the puck rebounded back to
Koustourec who failed to get it properly under control. Suddenly Long Ciaron
Long was on the scene. He stick lifted Koustourec and then kicked (I think) the
puck forwards. Koustourek had a head start as the two raced forward in pursuit
of the loose puck. Long Ciaron moved with the grace of Rudolph Nureyev and the
speed of a thoroughbred racehorse. Koustourek’s movement was not so much
Bolshoi Ballet, but more Keystone Cops and not so much Aintree, but more
Blackpool beach. Eventually the poor fellow, dispossessed, outpaced,
demoralised and doubtless embarrassed, fell over in a Frank Spencer-esque
finale to his part in the action. Oooo Betty. Long Ciaron took the puck wide to
Mettam’s right and then calmly backhanded across the line for a shortie, his
second on successive nights. It looked like it was going down on the game sheet
as an unassisted goal. The stand in announcer now entered the twilight zone of
frenzied delectation as he announced the scorer in tones which clearly
indicated he was intoxicated with joy. But an unassisted goal it turned out not
to be. Balmer’s block to set up the chase was declared worthy of an assist, but
not straight away. We had to wait a few minutes for the stand in announcer’s
broadcast rapturously and blissfully delivered from his location on cloud nine.
3-1 Bison.
It may have been
3-1, but Bison were not cruising and a late Bees goal set the nerves a-jangling.
It was scored on 56:37 and led to an uncomfortable few minutes for the home
fans. A rebounded shot was bundled in. 67 from 88 we were told in
Prisoner-esque style but no more. I can tell you that was Alex Barker from
Milan Koustourek.
There was hope
for the Bees, but the clocked ticked down and it was now last chance saloon for
the Bracknell bumblers. They must have been amazed, after their previous 10-2 trousers
down spanking at Planet Ice to be in a position of only a solitary goal to the
bad and a minute to play, but time was running out fast. Both Mettam and his beard were pulled and
on came skater no.6 (not Patrick McGoohan) to exert pressure on the Bison goal.
Very soon an almighty melée developed in front of the Bison net. The scene was
disordered and unruly, tumultuous and chaotic, anarchic and turbulent as
players jabbed and stabbed, wacked and thwacked, mashed, smashed and slashed at the loose
puck, but to no avail as a sonorous blast from referee Dave Cloutman’s Acme
Thunderer indicated a stop in play for net off moorings. There were to be no
more goals and moments later the final buzzer sounded as did the stand in
announcer with an enthusiastic and rhapsodic declaration of “Bison 3 Bracknell
Bees 2” just in case no-one could see the large illuminated numbers on the
scoreboards at each end of the rink. Top Bananas were the appropriately named Tom
Beesley for the Bees and Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds for Bison. Off trudged
Bison and Bee faithful alike, doubtless to their refrigerators and meals of cold turkey.
No comments:
Post a Comment