Hat-tricks for Hook and Greener as Wiggins’s Brain Goes Missing

Bison 6 Milton Keynes Lightning 4

15/3/15

Hat-tricks each from Cuddly Joe Greener and Lewis Hook should have been the main talking point of this encounter, but alas unsavoury altercations of the most outrageous variety overshadowed these fine achievements. The game contained enough violence for an X certificate to be awarded, mostly involving Chris Wiggins, who has to be the most profoundly unpopular ex Bison player to return to Planet Ice. The Bison backers have not forgotten how, earlier in the season, he ended Matt Selby’s season with an assault, which resulted in a serious concussion to the latter. But I have much more to relate than tales of vitriolic violence of the most vile and virulent variety and so, dear reader, I would urge you to read on.

Following on from their astonishing 8-4 victory at Swindon on the previous evening, Bison needed only 2 points from their last 2 games to be certain of 3^rd place in the EPL. By the 14^th minute they were cruising 4-0 ahead and all looked rosy, but of course a 4 goal lead in hockey can be lost in the blink of an eye and those who thought it was all over were to have a rude awakening. MK came back to eventually make it a one goal game before a late goal put the result beyond doubt and give Bison the 2 points they needed to clinch that 3^rd place.

It didn’t take long for Bison to get into their stride and with the clock standing on 4 minutes gone they took the lead. Imagine eating the finest Beluga caviar with a silver fork from a bone china plate in the finest 5 star hotel in Mayfair. Could you liken the MK defending to that? Well actually no. It was more akin to eating tripe with a plastic fork from a polystyrene dish in a homeless shelter in Whitechapel. Coach Sheppard passed to Long Ciaron Long from behind the goal line and he centred to Cuddly Joe Greener, who snapped the puck in without a challenge. 1-0 Bison.

2 minutes later it was 2-0. The goal displayed fantastic determination from Billy, but once again the MK was more tripe than Beluga caviar. Ryan “You what?” Watt dumped the puck into the corner. Aaron “Billy” Connolly chased it in, took possession, brought the puck out, skated in across the goal and let loose a wrist shot to beat Jordan Hedley. The Bison backers rejoiced. The Frenchman in Block F, shouted “MON DIEU!” and the hillbilly in Block H “JUMPING JEHOSOFAT!” In block M the man from Milan greeted the goal with an exclamation of "MAMA MIA”.

Goal no. 3 came on 11 minutes. It was a gift, a donation, a bestowal, a handout, a charitable giveaway, an offering on a plate and gesture of the greatest generosity. The donor was Chris Wiggins, who made a mess of everything with such a display of uncoordinated leg and hand movement that one wondered if his brain was present. He stumbled and bumbled and handed the puck to Watt. Watt put in Connolly, who jockeyed for position before firing in. The Bison backers called for Wiggins to be awarded an assist for the goal, which is no less than he deserved, having had such a prominent hand in it, but it was not going to happen. Wiggins’s generous benefaction went unrecognised. Never mind. 3-0 Bison and MK were reeling like a bigamist punched on the nose by his first wife, hit on the head with a rolling pin by his second and smashed in the face with a frying pan by his third all at once. A time out was called in an attempt to stop the rot. I have no idea what was said, but clearly it didn’t work as 3 minutes later it was 4-0.

Michael “Muzzy” Wales was fed by Maple leaf Doug Sheppard. Muzzy set himself up for a slap shot from the blue line. As he fired the puck, goaltender Hedley must have wished he could inflate like a puffer fish and, in doing so, block the goal completely. However, such a metamorphosis remained an unfulfilled aspiration for Hedley as the puck flew past him and into the goal off the stick of Cuddly Joe Greener – a perfect redirect.

Only 14 minutes had been played and already the Lightning were 4 goals to the bad. Could they launch a comeback from this seemingly hopeless and hapless position? It appeared that MK’s hopes had died and been embalmed. Not only that but the coffin lid had been put in place and Bison were banging in the nails. However, the fat lady wasn’t singing yet and the latter stages of the game saw Lightning almost salvage something after all, as I shall relate.

On 16 minutes MK pulled a goal back with Ross Bowers on the breakaway centring for Lewis Hook to slide the puck very slowly past Dean “Deano” Skinns. 4-1 Bison. And that was the final score of the period.

P2 produced no goals, but it did see the first incident of extreme violence in the game as Chris Wiggins assaulted Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. The former received a 2 + 2 and the latter a 2 for roughing. I may have missed something, but I couldn’t see that Miro was deserving of any penalty at all as he was still gloved and holding his stick when the officials stepped in to bring an end to hostilities.

Into P3 we went and, apart from 5 further goals, we were “treated” to two further outbreaks of opprobrious violence. On 43 minutes the Lightning further reduced the arrears as a shot from Milan Kostourek was dropped over the line by Skinns. Adam Carr and Petr Horava were awarded assists.

Shortly after there occurred a series of events, which were altogether abhorrent, atrocious and atrabilious. The aforementioned Chris Wiggins checked “Billy” Connolly from behind and sent him face first to the ice. In steamed a very angry Muzzy Wales to challenge Wiggins to a gladiatorial contest in support of his fallen comrade. Off came the gloves and together came the pugilists. Alas for the Bison backers, Wiggins gave Muzzy a pasting, but it didn’t matter, everyone admired the way he had stuck up for his team-mate. However, the referee’s punishments of two sluggers made the Bison backers collectively fly into the mother of all rages. Some even fell to the floor in a dead feint exhibiting symptoms of advanced incredulity. It was a 2+2 roughing for Wiggins (nothing for the check from behind) and a 2 + 2 roughing as well as a 2 instigator penalty to Muzzy, handing MK a power play. Eh? Yes a Mr. Magoo-esque Referee Pickett had completely missed the original offence which had given rise to the unseemly fracas. In the end it mattered not a jot.

And so a power play to MK. They needed to capitalise. Alas for them what was about to happen was as undesirable as the scrapings from a car mechanic’s finger nails. Not only did they fail to score, but they also conceded a shortie. Oooo Betty. Set up by Joe Greener breaking from defense, Long Ciaron Long whipped in a wrist shot to make it 5-2 Bison.

Things looked comfortable again for Bison, but 2 quick goals in the 54^th and 56^th minute changed that completely. MK’s goal no 3 came from an across the crease pass from a Ross Bowers fed Adam Carr to Lewis Hook, who hammered in. Goal no. 4 came from a set up by Michael Farn and Leigh Jamieson. The man on the end of the move was once again Lewis Hook, who hammered home for his hat-trick. The goal was a pain in the neck, a pain in the backside and a pain in the proverbials to the Bison backers. With 3 and a half minutes to play a Bison victory was no longer a formality. MK were within touching distance at 4-5. Were they about to snatch something from the game?

Before the game had progressed much further, Kostourek went down with an injured wrist. He protested so much to the officials that he was slapped with a misconduct penalty and ordered from the bench. Strangely enough this penalty did not appear on the officially signed off game sheet. Well they’re not always right.

With a minute and a half to go Bison bagged the clincher. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds passed from defence to Coach Sheppard, who found Cuddly Joe Greener on the boards. Joe broke forward, outstripped the covering D-man, cut in towards goal and lifted a wrist shot past the blocker of a hapless Hedley. Bison’s 6^th goal ensured that MK’s chances of winning were now well and truly consigned to the pan. And with that goal Bison pulled the chain to flush those chances away completely. Round the U-bend and out of sight they went. The game was won and 3^rd place clinched. Unsurprisingly hat-trick men Hook and Greener were elected top bananas for their respective teams. And what did Chris Wiggins receive? Nothing but boos and jeers as he tried to cause trouble in the handshake line. He was left with a quest to find his brain, which had been left somewhere – maybe in the locker room or worse still back in Milton Keynes.

Cats Scratch Out a Well Taken Road Win

Bison 3 Swindon Wildcats 5

7/3/15

Last weekend we saw the EPL championship decided. As expected, it was the table topping Telford Tigers who took the title. Congratulations to them and in particularly Bison’s own (alas no longer) Joe Miller. Unless they have a Mr. Creosote explosion of form it will be the Guildford Flames who will claim 2^nd spot. A closer contest is the battle for 3^rd, with 3 teams, Bison, the Swindon Wildcats and the Peterborough Phantoms, scrapping for that final podium place. Last night’s game at Planet Ice between Bison and the Cats was, therefore, of particular significance. 

P1 opened well for Bison. They dominated play and looked slick in their passing and movement and solid in defence until allowing two breakaway attempts in the 8^th minute. First of all Floyd Taylor found himself in on goal in a 1 on 1 with Dean Skinns. He shot, but Deano butterflied and blocked the puck. One would have thought that the Bison D, having thus been caught out as easily as a bunch of schoolboys smoking behind the bike sheds after failing to post a lookout, they wouldn’t have been caught in this way again. Alas they were for within seconds of the Taylor breakaway there was another. Unfortunately for Bison the goal assailant this time was the deadly Aaron Nell and he made no mistake with a rifling shot past Deano for 0-1 Cats. Sam Bullas and Toms Rutkis picked up the assists for the goal.

The Cats doubled their lead on 13 minutes with a cracker of a clapper – a slap shot from the point fired in with such pace by Lee Richardson that Skinns was unable to react as the puck found the gap between his person and his post. 0-2 Cats. Assists were dished out to Jonas Hőőg and Aaron Nell. Even the negative moaners, the grumbling curmudgeonlies and the begrudging naysayers in the Bison blocks had to admit it was a spectacular goal.

Bison had to find something from somewhere and they did 3 minutes later. Cuddly Joe Greener and Ryan “You What?” Watt combined to supply Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba behind the goal line and on the boards. He dug the puck out and emerged goalside. Somehow he managed to squeeze the puck under Stevie Lyle in the Cats’ net. 1-2. It was an unfortunate goal for the Cats’ to concede. Defensively they had loused up, screwed up, messed up and mucked up, but it mattered not because P2 proved to be a disaster for Bison. Which ancient philosopher said “if you put your chances away you win hockey games, if you don’t you won’t”? Was it Socrates, Plato or Aristotle? I’m not sure, but whoever it was should have been at Planet Ice last night where the events of P2 proved this theory. Outshooting the Cats by 9-6, Bison couldn’t ripple the net, whereas the Cats managed to do it twice from their 6 shots on target. Both came late in the period and sent the Cats in at the 2^nd buzzer with a comfortable 3 goal lead despite having been outplayed. But all credit to them they did what Socrates, Plato and Aristotle ordered and Bison did not.

The first of the Cats’ P2 goals came on 37 minutes. The move was exquisite and elegant, sublime and stylish, pleasing to the eye and aesthetic, even to the Bison backers, albeit through gritted teeth. Sam Bullas picked up the puck on the right wing, charged forward, then skated across the goal, bypassing a gaggle of players, none of whom sought to challenge him and then slid a backhander across the line. 1-3 Cats. Floyd Taylor and Toms Rutkis assisted.

Barely 2 minutes later it was 1-4. Fed by Tomasz Malasinski, Aaron Nell fired an across the crease pass, which Skinns attempted to poke check away. He failed to make contact and, from that moment, it was curtains, for there at the back door with an empty net to aim at was Jonas Hőőg. They say that legendary Stalingrad sniper Vasily Zaitsev never missed. Well Hőőg does sometimes, but not on this occasion. Even his grandmother would have buried it. Thankfully for the Cats’ faithful it wasn’t Grandma Hőőg on the end of Nell’s pass, it was Jonas and he fired in without ado. It was an “Ooooo Betty” moment for Deano.

The Bison team must have left the ice at the end of P2 as frustrated as a man chasing a greyhound that has just stolen his hair piece. They had failed to find a way past Lyle, but, despite allowing the Cats only 6 shots on goal in the period, as I have already mentioned, they had let in 2 avoidable goals and now found themselves with the north face of the Eiger to scale. It appeared that they stood as much chance of winning the game as someone had of remaining in the land of the living after getting on the wrong side of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Pol Pot all at once.

Which way was P3 going to go? The Man from MI5, observing incognito from Block C, may have had the blueprint for success on a piece of microfilm concealed in the heel of his shoe, but he didn’t reveal it. There were some who feared that Bison might give up the ghost and the Cats would dish out a clawing. But such individuals surely deserve to be, well perhaps not hung, drawn and quartered, but certainly thrashed to within an inch of their lives for harbouring such defeatist thoughts. There must have been at least one optimist amongst the Bison backers who thought that Bison could launch a comeback, but I have to confess I met no such individual. Well whoever that person was he or she was proved to be right and we saw a totally committed P3 Bison, peppering the Cats’ goal with shots, 21 on target to be precise, and scoring 2 goals to bring it back to a one goal game with 10 minutes to play and setting up an exciting finish.

Bison’s second goal of the game came on 45 minutes. Aaron “Billy” Connolly and Bison skipper Nicky Chinn did the spade work to set up Coach Sheppard at the back door. Maple Leaf Doug’s one timer found the net and it was 2-4. A glimmer of hope was now showing.

Bison were now on the up, in the ascendancy and holding the whip hand. They converted their aspirations into something tangible – another goal. On 49 minutes Lumberjack Joe Rand fired in a shot, which Lyle pad saved. The hapless goaltender then appeared to either lose sight of the puck or have an attack of lethargy because he didn’t move to cover or poke check the puck away, but stood as still as one of those living statues who had had no money thrown into his box. The other living statue which is Nicky Chinn, on the other hand, must have received a donation as he moved quickly to the rebounded puck and tapped it in. 3-4. Had the Bishop of Basingstoke been present he would have celebrated the goal by hurling his mitre it into the air. His counterpart, the Bishop of Swindon, would have thrown his mitre to the floor and trampled it into the remnants of his discarded Pukka Pie. However, neither were present, or, if they were, they were as incognito as the Man from MI5, and I saw no episcopal headgear treated in these ways. (In case you’re wondering, these ecclesiastical gentlemen really exist).

The final minutes saw a bombardment of the Swindon goal akin to a Naval broadside, an artillery barrage and a kitchen sink throwing competition all rolled into one. But Bison could not break through and with 1:16 left, Coach Sheppard called a time out. Play resumed with Skinns pulled and a 6 on 5. The bombardment continued. One shot rebounded off Lyle’s pads and was picked up by a Cats’ player (sorry I’m not sure who that was). His shot towards the empty net was brilliantly deflected away by the stick of a Marvellous  Miroslav Vantoba at full stretch. But it was only a temporary respite as, shortly after, Swindon were presented with another empty net opportunity and this time they made no mistake. Adam Harding picked up the puck and fed Tomas Kana. He took his time to find the space to slip the puck past the covering Bison players and into the gaping goal. 3-5 and game over.

All credit to the Cats for a vital road win which has now swung the pendulum for a 3^rd place EPL finish back towards them. Despite being outshot by 46-22 they took their chances and withstood a P3 bombardment. Bison can take heart from an outstanding P3 performance. At the end of P2 and 1-4 in arrears, some teams may have surrendered. Long and Nell were elected top bananas for their respective teams.

Rounding Rounds off Exciting Shoot Our Win for Bison

Bison 5 Guildford Flames 4 (shoot out)

28/2/15

“Game of the season,” many said as they tramped away from Planet Ice high on a cocktail of hockey entertainment, but hopefully nothing else. The game had virtually everything – fast flowing hockey in front of a sell out crowd, plenty of goals, bizarre officiating, a short handed goal, a fight and a shoot out decider. Last season the Bracknell Bees won a shoot out at Bison with the winning goal coming from General Grant Rounding. Now Rounding, back from a long injury lay off, plays for the Bison and he showed it was no fluke with a rifling penalty shot past the hapless James Hadfield for the decisive goal. But, dear reader, I fear I jump too far ahead. Let us return to the beginning.

The game opened in a fast, flowing fashion. The early exchanges were robust. The first major incident of the game occurred in the 7^th minute. It was not a goal, but a scandalous confrontation of the physical kind, most deplorable, disgraceful and distressing for those in the crowd who abhor violence and had the misfortune to witness it. I saw no such individuals. Everyone around me seemed to be on their feet - men, women and children alike, even babies, their blood lust manifesting itself by shaking, shouting and salivation. Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer hooked Andrew McKinney and the latter took umbrage. The two came together in a slugging match which was fought to an honourable draw with both still standing to satisfy the blood lust of the crowd, babies and all. Off to the box went the pugilists to do their porridge.

The Flames broke the deadlock in the 10^th minute. Set up by Vladimir Kutny and Tom Duggan, Matt Towe picked up the puck, skated forward and fired the puck through Dean “Deano” Skinns for 1-0 Flames. The goal caused the home fans to adopt a miserable Albert Tatlock-esque demeanour, but they needn’t have because there was still a long way to go with many twists and turns along the yellow brick road to come.

A mere 11 seconds of play later we saw an altogether opprobrious attempt by Kutny to murder Andy “Machine Gun” Melachrino, not by shooting, stabbing or poisoning, but by boarding. It was an outrage and the Bison crowd, with a purple pulsating Howling Man in the vanguard, let their feelings be known. Referee Hogarth pointed at Kutny. ”You’re banged to rights. Bang goes your freedom. You’re gonna be banged up,” he said. And indeed he was and, as it turned out, to the detriment of his team as they could not defend the resultant power play. The equalising goal was not the most aesthetic as Aaron “Billy” Connolly stabbed home a rebounded shot, but they all count. 1-1. Cuddly Joe Greener and Long Ciaron Long assisted.

As the clock ticked down the period seemed to heading towards first interval parity, but the Flames had other ideas and with just over a minute to play Branislav Kvetan, set up by Roman Tvrdon and Neil Liddiard, scored the goal of the game with a rocket powered slap shot. 1-2 Flames. Albert Tatlock-esque demeanours amongst the Bison backers returned.

The 2^nd belonged to Bison. Oushooting their opponents by 14-7 they scored the only 2 goals of the period to come from a position in the rear to one in front. The first goal was scored on 24 minutes. Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba and Michael “Muzzy” Wales combined to set up Cuddly Joe Greener on the breakaway. Joe’s shot was saved but he banged in the rebound for 2-2.

4 minutes later the Flames thought they had scored. A loose pass back went well wide and at pace past Long Ciaron Long. A Flames player (sorry not sure who that was) skated after the puck and one timed it. Flames’ arms went aloft to celebrate the “goal”, but, according to Speedway Girl, a close observer of the incident, the puck hadn’t even gone in and certainly the goal light remained unilluminated. Furthermore a delayed penalty had been called and the moment the stick hit the puck was the moment play would be stopped. The “goal” would have been obliterated from the records, as if it had never happened, if indeed it had ever been entered in the records, which it hadn’t. Had it been an illusion? A dream? A fantasy? To the Flames players it must have been. They were convinced it had been a goal, judging by their celebrations. The score remained at 2-2.

On 33 minutes “Billy” Connolly was called for high sticks. Advantage Flames? As it turned out, no. Bison were to bag that ignominious of all ignominious goals for a team on the power play – a shortie. Long Ciaron Long took an interception and skated forward with Lumberjack Joe Rand in support. Like a malfunctioning refrigerator, the Flames’ D proved to be out of order, on the blink and gone to pot. They seemed as slow to get back and cover as would have been a lethargic tortoise on weed. It was a classic 2 on 1. Long Ciaron drew the goaltender and then fired a centring pass to Lumberjack Joe at the back door. 3-2 Bison. Recently Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled”. We now saw the opposite of this as scorer and assistant threw their arms around each other and “consciously coupled” in celebration of the goal.

There were no more goals in P2, but it wasn’t long before we saw another in P3. On 41 minutes David Longstaff used his long staff to carry the puck around the back of the goal and set up Danny Meyers in front at point blank range. Myers forced the puck over the line and it was 3-3. Ben Campbell, possibly a descendant of the treacherous Campbells of Glencoe, was awarded the second assist.

A flurry of penalties in and around the 54^th to 56^th minutes saw Bison on a 4 on 3. 18 seconds was all they needed to take advantage with “Billy” Connolly stabbing home his second of the game in a goalmouth scramble set up by a Long Ciaron Long shot. Kurt “the Scissors” Reynolds picked up the second assist. 4-3 Bison.

The game moved into the last 2 minutes of regulation time. The Bespectacled Youth shouted to the Flames’ bench that they ought to call a time out. Seconds later they did. He then shouted instructions to the bench to pull their goaltender. They did. Perhaps the Youth regretted this as his sound tactical advice resulted in an equalising goal a mere 12 seconds into the 6 on 5. It came from a goalmouth scramble with Kutny stabbing the puck over the line from Longstaff. 4-4. For Bison concession of such a late gaol was just about as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler chopping up his Chippendale chairs to use as kindling. But all square it was and all to play for. Hadfield returned without the need for the Youth to instruct the Flames’ bench to reinstate him and the final minute and a half were played out without further addition to the score. Neither did the overtime period see a match winning goal with only 2 shots on goal, both from Bison, in the entire 5 minutes. The overtime period was not, however, without controversy. Long Ciaron was clean through and in on goal, but, before he could shoot, he was hooked backed in a most violent fashion immediately prior to the net mysteriously moving off its moorings. A venomous uproar haemorrhaged from the ranks of the Bison backers. Some called for a penalty shot, others a penalty goal, other still the death sentence, but, quite bizarrely, the referee’s decision was that it had all been legitimate play. What? How? Never mind. No use crying over spilt milk. Bison had to get on with the game and continue their journey up the yellow brick road to win in a way which circumvented the myopia of Referee Hogarth. Neverthelesss, the crowd were left with the feeling that surely Stevie Wonder could have done a better job than Mr. Hogarth.

And so the game was going to be decided by that most nerve wracking of hockey experiences – the dreaded penalty shoot out. From the first two rounds only Marcus Kristoffersson managed to find the net with a rifling forehander. It was now the last chance saloon for Bison as Tvrdon skated up to take the Flames’ 3^rd shot and win the game if he scored. Dean Skinns had to save it. He did in spectacular style. Bison were still in the last chance saloon, however, as shooter Cuddly Joe Greener had to score to take the shootout into sudden death. He skated up and with a clever deke managed to get Hadfield to commit to his left before knocking the puck past the grounded goaltender on the backhand and then sweeping in off his forehand. Sudden death awaited. Kvetan  attempted to restore the Librarians’ advantage, but Deano blocked his effort. Next up for Bison was General Grant Rounding, no slouch when it comes to taking penalties and clearly as cool as a cucumber. He skated forward and rifled the puck home with the accuracy of Phil “The Power” Taylor going for a treble 20. Just as it had near the end of overtime, an uproar haemorrhaged from the ranks of the Bison backers, but this time it was not a venomous one. Indeed no it was a joyous one. Bison had snatched the victors’ laurels from a pulsating encounter. Kutny and Long were elected top bananas for their respective teams.