Bison 6 Milton Keynes Lightning 4
15/3/15
Hat-tricks each
from Cuddly Joe Greener and Lewis Hook should have been the main talking point
of this encounter, but alas unsavoury altercations of the most outrageous
variety overshadowed these fine achievements. The game contained enough
violence for an X certificate to be awarded, mostly involving Chris Wiggins,
who has to be the most profoundly unpopular ex Bison player to return to Planet
Ice. The Bison backers have not forgotten how, earlier in the season, he ended
Matt Selby’s season with an assault, which resulted in a serious concussion to
the latter. But I have much more to relate than tales of vitriolic violence of
the most vile and virulent variety and so, dear reader, I would urge you to read
on.
Following on
from their astonishing 8-4 victory at Swindon on the previous evening, Bison
needed only 2 points from their last 2 games to be certain of 3rd
place in the EPL. By the 14th minute they were cruising 4-0 ahead
and all looked rosy, but of course a 4 goal lead in hockey can be lost in the
blink of an eye and those who thought it was all over were to have a rude
awakening. MK came back to eventually make it a one goal game before a late
goal put the result beyond doubt and give Bison the 2 points they needed to
clinch that 3rd place.
It didn’t take
long for Bison to get into their stride and with the clock standing on 4
minutes gone they took the lead. Imagine eating the finest Beluga caviar with a
silver fork from a bone china plate in the finest 5 star hotel in Mayfair.
Could you liken the MK defending to that? Well actually no. It was more akin to
eating tripe with a plastic fork from a polystyrene dish in a homeless shelter
in Whitechapel. Coach Sheppard passed to Long Ciaron Long from behind the goal
line and he centred to Cuddly Joe Greener, who snapped the puck in without a
challenge. 1-0 Bison.
2 minutes later
it was 2-0. The goal displayed fantastic determination from Billy, but once
again the MK was more tripe than Beluga caviar. Ryan “You what?” Watt dumped
the puck into the corner. Aaron “Billy” Connolly chased it in, took possession,
brought the puck out, skated in across the goal and let loose a wrist shot to
beat Jordan Hedley. The Bison backers rejoiced. The Frenchman in Block F,
shouted “MON DIEU!” and the hillbilly in Block H “JUMPING JEHOSOFAT!” In block
M the man from Milan greeted the goal with an exclamation of "MAMA MIA”.
Goal no. 3 came
on 11 minutes. It was a gift, a donation, a bestowal, a handout, a charitable
giveaway, an offering on a plate and gesture of the greatest generosity. The
donor was Chris Wiggins, who made a mess of everything with such a display of uncoordinated
leg and hand movement that one wondered if his brain was present. He stumbled
and bumbled and handed the puck to Watt. Watt put in Connolly, who jockeyed for
position before firing in. The Bison backers called for Wiggins to be awarded
an assist for the goal, which is no less than he deserved, having had such a
prominent hand in it, but it was not going to happen. Wiggins’s generous benefaction
went unrecognised. Never mind. 3-0 Bison and MK were reeling like a bigamist
punched on the nose by his first wife, hit on the head with a rolling pin by
his second and smashed in the face with a frying pan by his third all at once.
A time out was called in an attempt to stop the rot. I have no idea what was
said, but clearly it didn’t work as 3 minutes later it was 4-0.
Michael “Muzzy”
Wales was fed by Maple leaf Doug Sheppard. Muzzy set himself up for a slap shot
from the blue line. As he fired the puck, goaltender Hedley must have wished he
could inflate like a puffer fish and, in doing so, block the goal completely.
However, such a metamorphosis remained an unfulfilled aspiration for Hedley as
the puck flew past him and into the goal off the stick of Cuddly Joe Greener –
a perfect redirect.
Only 14 minutes
had been played and already the Lightning were 4 goals to the bad. Could they
launch a comeback from this seemingly hopeless and hapless position? It
appeared that MK’s hopes had died and been embalmed. Not only that but the
coffin lid had been put in place and Bison were banging in the nails. However,
the fat lady wasn’t singing yet and the latter stages of the game saw Lightning
almost salvage something after all, as I shall relate.
On 16 minutes MK
pulled a goal back with Ross Bowers on the breakaway centring for Lewis Hook to
slide the puck very slowly past Dean “Deano” Skinns. 4-1 Bison. And that was
the final score of the period.
P2 produced no
goals, but it did see the first incident of extreme violence in the game as
Chris Wiggins assaulted Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba. The former received a 2 +
2 and the latter a 2 for roughing. I may have missed something, but I couldn’t
see that Miro was deserving of any penalty at all as he was still gloved and
holding his stick when the officials stepped in to bring an end to hostilities.
Into P3 we went
and, apart from 5 further goals, we were “treated” to two further outbreaks of
opprobrious violence. On 43 minutes the Lightning further reduced the arrears
as a shot from Milan Kostourek was dropped over the line by Skinns. Adam Carr
and Petr Horava were awarded assists.
Shortly after there
occurred a series of events, which were altogether abhorrent, atrocious and
atrabilious. The aforementioned Chris Wiggins checked “Billy” Connolly from
behind and sent him face first to the ice. In steamed a very angry Muzzy Wales
to challenge Wiggins to a gladiatorial contest in support of his fallen
comrade. Off came the gloves and together came the pugilists. Alas for the
Bison backers, Wiggins gave Muzzy a pasting, but it didn’t matter, everyone
admired the way he had stuck up for his team-mate. However, the referee’s
punishments of two sluggers made the Bison backers collectively fly into the
mother of all rages. Some even fell to the floor in a dead feint exhibiting
symptoms of advanced incredulity. It was a 2+2 roughing for Wiggins (nothing
for the check from behind) and a 2 + 2 roughing as well as a 2 instigator
penalty to Muzzy, handing MK a power play. Eh? Yes a Mr. Magoo-esque Referee
Pickett had completely missed the original offence which had given rise to the
unseemly fracas. In the end it mattered not a jot.
And so a power
play to MK. They needed to capitalise. Alas for them what was about to happen
was as undesirable as the scrapings from a car mechanic’s finger nails. Not
only did they fail to score, but they also conceded a shortie. Oooo Betty. Set
up by Joe Greener breaking from defense, Long Ciaron Long whipped in a wrist
shot to make it 5-2 Bison.
Things looked
comfortable again for Bison, but 2 quick goals in the 54th and 56th
minute changed that completely. MK’s goal no 3 came from an across the crease
pass from a Ross Bowers fed Adam Carr to Lewis Hook, who hammered in. Goal no.
4 came from a set up by Michael Farn and Leigh Jamieson. The man on the end of
the move was once again Lewis Hook, who hammered home for his hat-trick. The
goal was a pain in the neck, a pain in the backside and a pain in the
proverbials to the Bison backers. With 3 and a half minutes to play a Bison
victory was no longer a formality. MK were within touching distance at 4-5. Were they about to snatch something from the game?
Before the game
had progressed much further, Kostourek went down with an injured wrist. He
protested so much to the officials that he was slapped with a misconduct
penalty and ordered from the bench. Strangely enough this penalty did not
appear on the officially signed off game sheet. Well they’re not always right.
With a minute
and a half to go Bison bagged the clincher. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds passed
from defence to Coach Sheppard, who found Cuddly Joe Greener on the boards. Joe
broke forward, outstripped the covering D-man, cut in towards goal and lifted a
wrist shot past the blocker of a hapless Hedley. Bison’s 6th goal
ensured that MK’s chances of winning were now well and truly consigned to the pan.
And with that goal Bison pulled the chain to flush those chances away
completely. Round the U-bend and out of sight they went. The game was won and 3rd
place clinched. Unsurprisingly hat-trick men Hook and Greener were elected top
bananas for their respective teams. And what did Chris Wiggins receive? Nothing
but boos and jeers as he tried to cause trouble in the handshake line. He was
left with a quest to find his brain, which had been left somewhere – maybe in
the locker room or worse still back in Milton Keynes.
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