Bison 5 Manchester Phoenix 0
9/1/16
“Here’s Jonny!”,
one of Hollywood’s most famous catchphrases, blared from the rink tannoy. On
this occasion it wasn’t Jack Nicholson using an axe to break in through the
match officials’ locker room door. Now that would have been interesting. It was
Bison goaltender, Jon “Shut-em-out” Baston taking to the ice. He came to the
game with 5 shuts outs in his 10 games for Bison under his belt and an insane
save percentage of 0.95. Were the struggling Phoenix going to get the puck past
this brick wall. No they weren’t. Sorry, dear reader, I’ve given the ending
away. Never mind. What we saw was a game totally dominated by Bison, as I shall
relate.
Bison took the
lead in the 5th minute. Kurt “The Scissors” Reynolds, playing out of
defence, found Stuart “The Cat” Mogg. A superb long pass from Moggie up the
centre of the ice found Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov steaming forward like the
9:08 to Waterloo. Consider this. However awful someone might be supporters and
apologists will always find something good to say about him. Benito Mussolini,
fascist dictator of Italy, was pretty damned awful, but he did make the trains
run on time they said. He clearly wasn’t in charge of the Phoenix defensive
train on this occasion as they were not only not running on time, but they
looked as if they’d been shunted up a siding and left there. The Karpov
locomotive steamed through and rifled in a wrist shot into the top corner of
the net 1-0 Bison.
On 12 minutes
Martin Baranek tripped. Up went Ref Pickett’s arm, but the upwardly mobile arm
indication was not accompanied by a sonorous whistle blast. Baston raced from
the net to allow a 6th skater on and moments later it was 2-0 with a
delayed penalty goal. Karpov took the puck in on Fone and then fired a pass to
the back door where lurked the follically challenged Matt Towalski, not to be
confused with Matt Towe, who is someone completely different, has a full head
of hair, doesn’t play for Bison and has no “alski” on the end of his name. It
mattered not who was at the back door as he couldn’t miss. It was Towlaski of
course and he snapped the puck between Fone and post and it was 2-0 Bison. The
further assist went to Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson.
There were no
more additions to the score sheet before P1 ended. It had been a dominant
period for Bison with a staggering shot count imbalance of 17-6. And of those 6
none looked good enough to penetrate the Baston pipes. Could Phoenix step up a
notch and find a way past “Shut-em-out” Baston in the second? Of course not.
The period proved more of the same with 2 further Bison goals and none for
Phoenix. The first of those two was scored on 24 minutes and what a cracker it
was. René Jarolin picked up a bad pass and took it over the blue line. He
passed inside to Long Ciaron Long, who thwacked a one timer slapshot Fonewards.
The puck flew past the hapless goaltender’s head at 90 mph, the shock waves
produced by the puck’s rapid motion through the air taking the paint off the
side of Fone’s mask. (Oh really? If you believe anything you read in
Hockeybloke match reports, you’ll believe that). 3-0 Bison. The Man from
MI5, observing incognito from Block C, photographed the goal celebrations using
the camera concealed in his bowtie.
Just over a
minute later it was 4-0. The square jawed Phoenix skipper, Luke Boothroyd was
called for delay of game as he scooped the puck over the plexi as if shovelling
manure from a cow shed. In the ensuing power play Jarolin set up Long Ciaron
for a slap shot from just inside the blue line. Surely he couldn’t score from
there? No he couldn’t, but his netbound shot was tipped in by Aaron “Billy”
Connolly who lurked like a suspicious character in a dark alley in front of the
crease. I thought I heard a thud, so maybe Billy’s tip went in off Fone’s pad.
It mattered not a jot as the puck had crossed the line and it was 4-0 Bison.
Halfway through
the period Phoenix were nearly rewarded with a goal during a goalmouth
scramble, but not quite. The scene could be described as a maelstrom of
pandemonium, an unholy mess or indeed a rat’s nest of topsy turviness. It matters
not how you choose to describe the unseemly bundle, the puck stayed out. This
was the best chance of the period for Phoenix, but it came to nought. There
were other opportunities at both ends and a catalogue of bizarre penalty calls,
but no further scoring.
In the second
interval an opprobrious altercation of the most disgraceful variety broke out,
not on the ice but in the stands as the goaltenders of Block C were involved in
an unseemly exchange. In “Ernie the fastest milkman in the west” a strawberry
flavoured yoghurt thrown by Ernie sends Two Ton Ted’s bun “spinning from his
hand”. In similar fashion a swipe from Iron Curtain Ben sent the Bespectacled
Youth’s glasses spinning from his face, but there the similarity ends. The altercation
reached a conclusion, but neither miscreant was sent to the penalty box.
Within 3 minutes
of the start of the 3rd it was goodnight Vienna, but not with a
sequence of events we would have imagined. It began on 41:47. Ben Wood found
himself locked up for hooking. The referee may have wanted to throw away the
key, but there was just a bolt on the penalty box door and no key to throw
away. Bison were on the power play, but there fell an opportunity of a short
handed goal to Satek. He skated towards the Bison net, but was forced behind by
the covering Bison player, Long Ciaron Long. The latter was adjudged to have interfered
with Satek’s progress and a penalty shot was awarded. The Bison backers were
incandescent with rage. So enraged they were that they raged, not against the
machine, but against the referee. Some hit the roof, others climbed the walls,
others still stomped on the floor. They would have smashed windows, slammed
doors and ripped out the plumbing if they could, such was the anger at the
decision. But really was it that bad? It was obvious to all that Baston was
going to save the penalty shot and he so did with a shrug of the right shoulder
deflecting Satek’s goal attempt high in the air. The score remained 4-0. But
not for long.
It would have
been poetic justice had Long Ciaron, victim of the harsh penalty shot call, gone
up the other end and scored immediately afterwards, but I saw no poets or
judges present and score Long Ciaron did not. However, he was involved in the
tic-tac-toe goal which followed. It was a peach of a goal – right off the
training ground (ice) chalkboard. Coach Sheppard must have had an A-Team moment
and muttered to himself “I love it when a plan comes together.” But it was not
B.A. Baracas, Hannibal Smith and Howling Mad Murdock who fashioned and scored
the goal. No it was Long, Greener and Jarolin, none of whom are howling mad, as
far as I am aware. What happened? Long Ciaron skated across the slot and fired
a pass to the back door where lurked Cuddly Joe Greener. Rather than shoot
himself he fired an across the crease pass to the other post, which had become
the new back door, and there was René Jarolin to fire home. 5-0 Bison.
The remaining
minutes were played out not without incident. As Baston’s third shut out in a
row approached, nobody dared to say the “S” word. And because nobody did
Baranek, on a breakaway while the Phoenix were shorthanded, rang the puck off
the bar. Had someone said “Baston’s going to get a shut out” before Baranek’s
attempt at goal the puck would have gone in of course (am I becoming as
superstitious as Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird?).
And so the game
drew to a conclusion and someone pulled the final curtain. Was it the fat lady?
No she was too busy singing. Another win for Bison to maintain their top of the
table position and yet another shut out (OK to mention the “S” word now) for
marvel man, Go-Jonny-Go Baston. Long and Gron were named top bananas. A final
word for the visitors and their loyal fans. It is sad to see a once mighty
Phoenix reduced to their current lowly state by short benching (they iced only
12 skaters last night) and off ice problems, none the cause of the players or
the fans. Bison have been there.
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