If anyone is interested I shall be putting together
a season’s souvenir book of unofficial match reports and photos of 110-120 pages. I
emphasise this is not a money spinner on my part – it will be available at
cost. Alas not cheap (about £35 inc P & P), depending on numbers and
whether or not Blurb increase their prices between now and the summer. Click on
this link to see one of my previous years’ books. This one is not supposed to
be for sale please note – I just put it up to give you an idea of what the
finished article looks like :-
If you might be interested in the 2015-16 book (no
obligation yet) FB message me or e-mail me (tevor.rutter@btopenworld.com) so I can gauge numbers.
Balmer Hat-Trick Blast Holes the Pirates’ Hull
Bison 10 Hull Pirates 0
5/3/16
The Saturn V transporter is the largest self-powered land vehicle in the world. It measures 40 x 35 m and weighs 6,000,000 lbs. (That’s the same as 3,000,000 bags of sugar – imagine those piled up on your kitchen work surfaces). It requires a team of 30 engineers, technicians and drivers to operate it. Imagine such a vehicle rumbling along the M3. In its way stand Barbie and Ken. For the Saturn V transporter read Basingstoke Bison and for Barbie and Ken read the Hull Pirates? Could the latter stop the former? I should flippin’ co-co. Not a chance, not a hope, not a prayer. As so it proved in a very one sided engagement at Planet Ice last night. The table topping titans swept aside the challenge of the buccaneers from Yorkshire to strengthen their quest for the thing beginning with “T” which I am not going to mention.
All credit to the Pirates for giving a chance to young players. In this case they started Ashley Smith in the net, but alas the young netman, not quite 17 years old, had a nightmare of an evening and we must hope that the experience did not dampen his confidence and enthusiasm as the British hockey is crying out for teams to bring through home grown goaltenders
It took Bison 2:20 to fire their first goal. Set up by René Jarolin, Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird sent in a waffly shot which was tipped by Arron “Billy” Connolly. It seemed an age between the sound generated by rubber against stick tape and the goal celebration and we wondered where could the puck be. By suddenly up went the arms, on came the goal light and our question was answered. 1-0 Bison
Less than 2 minutes later it was 2-0. Set up by Jarolin, Declan “Barrack-O” Balmer sent in a long range shot. We heard a thud. Goaltender Smith had saved it. Alas for the hapless custodian the puck then appeared behind him and pea rolled over the line very slowly, but quickly enough to prevent it being prevented from doing so. High up on the glass behind the goal a red light illuminated. Had it been put on by Roxanne, ignoring Sting’s advice that she didn’t have to put on the red light? 2-0 Bison.
Roxanne’s thumb was called into action again barely a minute later. Ryan Sutton fed Jarolin who slammed a centring pass to Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack to fire home. 3-0 Bison. Jarolin had assisted in all 3 goals thus far and I was getting bored with writing his name, which I have had to do on so many occasions since he was let go by Milton Keynes and joined Bison. Jarolin goals and assists are coming out of our ears. But I received a respite because he had absolutely nothing to do with the 4th goal, scored in the 15th minute, as I shall relate, dear reader, but not very well because I lost my concentration as the flurry of activity leading up to the goal was acted out and I was reduced to asking the Bespectacled Youth on my right and the Man with 3 Ear-rings on my left “How did that go in?” Alas my enquiries left me none the wiser. All I can tell you is that Lack had scored his second and Shaun “The Sheep” Thompson and Matt Towalski were declared his assistants. 4-0 Bison
Much to the relief of the visitors there were no more goals in the period and the jolly buccaneers sailed off to the locker room to work out how they were going to stop a rampant Bison in the second. Well, if they had a plan, either they didn’t use it or it failed because P2 saw more of the same and at the 40 minute mark the Pirates were doing half of what Chuck Berry sang about in his 1958 hit record “Reelin’ and Rockin’” and it was the former action not the latter. Another 4 goals to the Bison tally and no way back for the visitors. To have had a chance of salvaging anything from the game, their D had to play concretely in P2. (OK I know concretely isn’t a proper word, but in my opinion it should be). It could be said that they did display the resistant qualities of a barrow full of Readymix, but alas before it had hardened. Bison continued the onslaught to romp into an 8 goal lead by the end of the 2nd period
Goal no.5 came on the power play on 27:18. Jonathon Kirk tripped and was incarcerated, but only for 24 seconds. Bison circulated the puck around the goal looking for an opportunity. Karpov to Thompson, who was forced away from the goal, but laid it on a plate, not literally of course, for Balmer just inside the blue line. The Balmer stick came crashing down for a one timer clapper. The puck moved faster than a drag racer off the grid at Santa Pod. Perhaps if he had been facing such a vehicle Smith would have had a better chance of stopping it than Balmer's slap shot. He wasn’t, didn’t and couldn’t. 5-0 Bison.
Goaltender Smith suffered his worst “Ooo Betty” moment in the 31st minute. He collected the puck and shaped to shoot it around the boards. But for reasons known only to himself he dithered and then, even worse, gave the puck straight to Karpov, who promptly passed it out from behind the goal line to Long Ciaron Long. Long Ciaron took his time, picked his spot and fired in a wrist shot. There was a suspicion of net off, but the referee didn’t call it. The goal had been such a gift it should have been wrapped up in fancy paper, tied in ribbon, had a bow on top and come with a greetings card. 6-0 Bison
Bison’s 7th goal came on 33:55. Put in by Stuart “The Cat” Mogg, the follically challenged Matt Towalski drifted in on goal and scored with a wrist shot across Smith. It was good to see Matt rewarded with a goal, his tireless grinding work in the corners having been a feature of his play since he joined Bison. Of course that sort of contribution doesn’t get on the game sheet. 7-0 Bison and evening over for the young goaltender. He was pulled from the net, not literally of course – now that would have been an entertaining sight. In came Martins Raitums. I am always confused by players with an “S” on the end of their names – it sounds as if there should be more than one of them. It’s even worse in the case of Martins Raitums. His name suggests there are 4 of them, namely 2 x Martins and 2 x Raitums. Could these 4 goaltenders block the goal completely? We shall see.
So Smith pulled out, Raitums dragged in. The Pirates fortunes were surely to be on the up with four goaltenders to replace the one. Well no because a minute later the four Martins Raitums were beaten by their first shot on goal against and it was 8-0 Bison. This goal was a piece of genius from Karpov. It was up to the Pirates’ D to provide a formidable obstacle to impede the progress of the Czech chap, but alas the obstacle they provided could not be described as formidable nor indeed an obstacle at all, as “Grandmaster” Karpov, displaying skating and stick handling skills of subliminal quality, danced through the D as elusively as a solitary strand of spaghetti drizzled in olive oil would slip through the prongs of a fork and whipped a wrist shot past the hapless Raitums. None of the four goaltenders could stop the shot. Lack and Marvellous Miroslav Vantroba were admitted to the order of assistants to the scorer.
So far the Pirates’ D work had been a mishap, a mistake, a misadventure, a misdemeanour, a mischance and a misfortune all rolled into one. The blueline had gone missing and now it seemed mission impossible. But, as we know, anything can happen in hockey at only at only 0-8 to the bad, all the Pirates needed was 5 or 6 quick goals at the start of P3 and they would be back in it. But how were they going to find a way to get the puck past the rock solid Jon “Shut-em-out” Baston, their former netman? They may have spent the entire P2/P3 interval formulating a detailed and cunning plan to achieve this objective, but, if they did, it was all to no avail as Coach Sheppard put Dan “The Beast” Weller-Evans in the net for P3. On seeing Dan “The Beast” taking up his position in the net, Iron Curtain Ben, goaltender extraordinaire of Block C, protégé of Dan “The Beast” and holder of membership card no 001 of the Dan “The Beast” Appreciation Society, was beside himself with joy and reached new heights of non-drug induced ecstasy every time Dan made a save. Any why not? Dan proved just as solid as Jon Baston had proved in P1 & P2 on his way to a P3 shut out
At the other end the goal conceding misery continued for the Pirates and Roxanne’s thumb moved into overtime. On 43:29 Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird found Cuddly Joe Greener at the back post. René Jarolin lurked in support to the goaltender’s left, but he was not needed, as Joe, Greener that is not Baird, scored himself. 9-0 Bison.
A ruthless performance by Bison so far, but still the Bison backers were not happy. Well they weren’t unhappy, but they wanted double figures. Sadly the honour of achieving that for his team was denied to the indefatigable Dan Lackey, who lashed in a shot. There was no need for referee Matthews to don the black cap to announce the death sentence for the goal. The gesture of throwing wide his arms was enough. The net had been off its moorings and Lackey, lacking a goal to his name, returned to the bench with a resigned smile on his face. Never mind, he had had a great game and showed once again he is much more than a grinder.
Double figures came shortly after. Lackey and Ryan Sutton (well done to him with 2 assists on the night) set up Bison’s Top Banana, Balmer, who hammered in another slap shot for his hat-trick and doubtless warm the hearts of the Peterborough Phantoms fans of his who might have been following the game on social media. 10-0 Bison and game over. Another 2 points to enter on the Matrix Maid’s spreadsheet. And on towards that thing beginning with “T” rumbles the Bison Saturn V transporter.
No comments:
Post a Comment