Bison 3 Telford Tigers 1
27/2/16
The Telford
Tigers paid their final visit of the season to Planet Ice. Was it going to
prove the cakewalk that the Tigers’ last visit proved when they slumped to a
defeat most ignominious, atrabilious and opprobrious by a score of 7-0? Well
not this time. They put up a much more robust competitive performance, but were
overpowered by a determined Bison, who seem to grow in confidence week on week
as they arrow in towards that thing beginning with “T” which I shouldn’t
mention.
The game opened
in spectacular fashion for Bison. What the Tigers fans wanted from their team
was teeth – the teeth of a tiger. What they got was gums like those of an
octogenarian granny who had taken her dentures out, as the Basingstoke icemen surged
into a 2-0 lead before the 9th minute had ended. It certainly looked
as if Bison were on a course to infinity and beyond, but the Tigers had other
ideas, put their dentures in and showed a bit of bite. However, I jump ahead.
The first goal
arrived in the 3rd minute and was put away in spectacular style by
Bison skipper, Aaron “Billy” Connolly. In the Tigers’ D there was a scene of
misinterpretation, misapprehension, misdadventure and miscalculation and the
result was a massive muddle of monumental magnitude which allowed Long Ciaron
Long to take possession of the puck and carry it into the Tigers’ defensive
zone. Just inside the blue line Long Ciaron shaped to slap one towards the
Tigers’ net, but changed his mind and charged forward instead. His netward path
was blocked, but Connolly was steaming up on Long’s left in support. To stop
him the Tigers’ D-men would have to be present in both body and spirit. They
may have satisfied the latter criterion, but were woefully lacking in the
former as an all alone Billy received a cross ice pass from Long Ciaron and
sent an unstoppable wrist shot high into the net over the shoulder of a shocked
and indeed hapless Tom Murdy in the Tigers’ net. 1-0 Bison.
Hardly any time
was allowed for the goal celebrations to die away before Bison had bagged their
second and once again it was Connolly who scored it. On 7:28 the referee
noticed a hooking incident. In order to stop the players from continuing their
robust but honest endeavours, he brought play to a halt with a shrill blast on
his Acme Thunderer. OK it could have been another make of whistle – I couldn’t
see the maker’s name from Row F. But let’s not split hairs. The offender was Peter
Szabo, once of the fearsome sounding team the Landshut Cannibals. Ref Pickett didn’t
have the authority to impose a sentence of 5 years in the Bastille, which some
in the Bison blocks thought the offense deserved, so the former cannibal went
to the penalty box for 2 minutes instead. Alas for Szabo his 2 minute rest was brought
to an abrupt end just under a minute later. René Jarolin passed to Declan “Barrack-O”
Balmer, who I am told is known as “Sodding” Balmer in some Peterborough
Phantoms supporting circles. He cut inside and fired in a slapshot, which “Billy”
Connolly tipped past a startled Murdy. 2-0 Bison. The goal made those in the
away block adopt a somewhat Dr. Gachet-esque demeanor. Dr. who? Why Van Gogh’s
physician of course (see below).
The Tigers had
to tighten up and show their teeth and claws or all would be lost before the
game was half played and this they did. There were no more goals in the 1st
and indeed the entire 2nd period was played out with scoreboard
remaining on 2-0. P2 was characterised by a succession of penalty calls, 4
against Bison, 3 against the Tigers, but neither team could take advantage of
their power plays. The most bizarre call was made in the 28th minute
when there was a confrontation between Tomas “Grandmaster” Karpov and former
Bison Joe Miller, not to be confused with any of the other 7 x Joe Millers and indeed 2 x Joel Millers who play in world
hockey. Joe threw off his gloves and the two stood toe to toe without so much
as a blow, a push or even a grab. In steamed the officials and doled out a
roughing penalty to each. As far as Karpov is concerned, it would appear that “roughing”
can involve merely looking at a player standing in front of you. Perhaps I
missed something – well that wouldn’t be for the first time.
And so into the
final period we moved. Bison looked comfortable, but chickens were not being
counted amongst the Bison backers. Marcus Maynard copped a 2 + 10 penalty for
checking from behind as he shoved Matt Towalski into the goal frame and
netminder Murdy, leaving the latter two in an unsightly pile on the ice.
Fortunately neither was seriously injured, but Maynard suffered the ignominy of
having his liberty revoked for virtually the rest of the game. The Tigers
managed to kill the power play, but on the stroke of the 2 minute penalty
expiring, namely on 51:30, they succumbed for a 3rd time in the
game. Ryan “You What” Watt set up Stuart “The Cat” Mogg for a shot, which was
saved by Murdy. Alas for the hapless netman he could do no better than give up
a rebound, which was stabbed in by a loitering René Jarolin. “Goldfinger. He’s
the man, the man with the golden touch.” So sang Shirley Bassey. Well Jaro may
not be Goldfinger, but he certainly does have the golden touch. This was his 22nd
goal and 41st point in 27 games for Bison. Why ever did Milton Keynes
let him go? Coach Russell are you reading this? 3-0 Bison.
An unfortunate
incident occurred sometime after involving the somewhat corpulent linesman Mr
Gipps. Minding his own business on the boards he, presenting a rather large
target, was hit by the puck. A shout of “Eat less pies and be more agile” was
heard emanating from Block C. Perhaps the dietarily challenged Mr Gipps heard
it and will take the advice proferred. Perhaps not. We shall be in a position to
judge when he visits Planet Ice for the first time next season.
Things were now
looking fairly terminal for the Tigers. If they were to have even a Mars bar’s
chance in the pocket of a chocaholic they had to get back in the game and
prevent Tomas Hiadlovsky from recording a second successive home shut out against
them. Well someone must have mentioned the “S” word, as within a minute the
Hiadlovsky’s pipes were penetrated and the hypothetical Mars bar looked as if
it had an outside chance of remaining uneaten. A shot from Blahoslav Novak was
saved by Hiadlovsky, but alas for the Slovak custodian, the rebound fell
perfectly to Dan Davies who slotted into an open net. Macaulay Heywood was
award the second assist. 3-1 Bison.
The game rumbled
towards termination, but the drama had not concluded. With 3:37 remaining
Hiadlovsky was unlucky to shoot a puck clearance over the glass. Accidental it
may have been, but rules is rules and the hapless netman was called for delay
of game. The Tigers spent 1:21 of the consequent 5 on 4 trying to crack open
the Bison defence but failed to do so. It was time to throw caution to the
wind. A time out was called and Murdy was pulled for a 6 on 4 empty net
assault. The Tigers had to keep their discipline at all costs. To lose it would
have been as undesirable as the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home
to find his eccentric butler feeding a feast of caviar, smoked salmon, foie
gras and quail’s eggs to his iguana. But that was precisely what happened. The
former not the latter that is. At the precise moment that the puck went wide
from an empty net attempt along the full length of the ice Novak became
embroiled in an unwise altercation with Rabbit’s Foot Joe Baird. Most of us
missed the lead up, so bound up were we in following the puck down the ice and
wide of the post and letting out our “Ooos” and Ahs”, that, when we turned
round, there was a prostrate Joe Baird with Novak standing over him grasping
his shirt. Into the box went Novak, back came Murdy and the Tigers’ chances of
winning were now as dead a man from the KGB who had been eliminated by the Man
from MI5 using his poison tipped umbrella. The game was played out to its
conclusion and 2 more points passed into the ever bulging Bison bag.
All that
remained was to appoint and indeed anoint Sam Zajac and “Billy” Connolly Top
Bananas for their respective teams. Off home went the Bison backers to enter
the result (and the Phantoms’ overtime loss to Milton Keynes) into their
spreadheets, pie charts, bar charts, line charts, tree charts, bubble charts, predictor
models and other “Can Bison win the title” mathematical aids. The basic maths
of the all is that Bison need 6 points from their remaining 3 home and 2 road
games to win the thing beginning with “T” which I shouldn’t really mention (oh
dear I just did). And that is assuming that either the Phantoms or the Flames
win all their remaining games (7 each), which is surely unlikely, particularly
as these two have to face each other next week in the 2 legged EPL Cup final in
addition. Nevertheless, the champagne had better remain un-uncorked and the
silver polish unbought for now.
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