Bison 5 Manchester
Phoenix 2 (aggregate 7-3)
EPL Playoff quarter final 2nd leg
27/3/16
What is following Bison all about? On the ice it’s fast competitive EPL
hockey, breathtaking skating and stick handling skills, netminder heroics, unseemly
altercations of the most opprobrious variety (OK punch ups), breaking down
Zambonis, blind men in black and white striped shirts, the superstitious
routines of Rabbits’ Foot Joe Baird. Off ice it’s outrageous road trip
behaviour from the Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A, purple throbbing vein
outbursts from the Howling Man of Block C, obscure rules we never knew existed
shouted out by the Bespectacled Youth, Mystic Jo’s wayward predictions, Bavy’s
hilarious song choices, “The Great Escape”, the incoherent ramblings of
Hockeybloke match reports and, if you’re reading this, you must clearly be one
of that small band who is prepared to waste 5 minutes of your life every
Sunday, as these off-the-wall reports bring you inaccurate game descriptions
wallowing in alliteration, bizarre imagery and obscure analogies. But most of all following Bison is about the
camaraderie of the hockey family – that strange mixed bag of folk of all ages,
shapes and sizes united in one common cause – to give our red raw larynx
support to the best team in the EPL (yes I can say that without fear of bias). And
every time Bison score those Basingstoke Bison backers become a bunch of
bellicose, boisterous, bonkers blokes and birds bellowing and bawling their
bacchanalia bender-esque brand of barking-madness. And so it was with mixed
feelings that we trudged away from Planet Ice at the end of last night’s game.
Delirious that the boys had qualified for the Playoff semi-finals, but saddened
beyond consolation that it would be another 5 months before we would experience
the match day delights our tired old barn has to offer, featuring soggy Pukka
pies with unidentifiable fillings, a leaky roof, cobwebs in the safety netting,
crumbling ice, malfunctioning scoreboards, invisible red and blue lines, sticky
rubber flooring. But hey! It’s our barn and we will miss it.
And so to the game. All Bison had to do was avoid a defeat to qualify
for Coventry. A hard fought 2-1 road win in Deeside the night before,
characterised by goaltender heroics from Men of the Match Steve Fone and Tomas
Hiadlovsky, which prevented a cricket score - I am not sure why people say that
as a cricket score in typically 153 for 6, which means nothing in hockey terms.
In the EPL anyone can beat anyone, so could the Phoenix rise from the ashes and
put out Bison or could Bison make it 8 wins out of 8 for the season against the
itinerant Mancunians? Prey read on, dear reader, and I will reveal all.
The first period was played with Bison totally in control. In fact it
wasn’t until the 10th minute that Tomas Hiadlovsky had to make a
save, this being a stick save from someone or other. I couldn’t identify him as
the name on his shirt was in purple on a black background – who designed those
shirts?
4 minutes later Bison went ahead. Long Ciaron Long took possession of the puck on
the left wing. He nearly lost it but didn’t. He then skated in on goal and
unleashed a shot from the slot which rebounded off netman Steve Fone, who
couldn’t freeze it. “It’s loose,” shouted the Man in the Charlestown Chiefs
shirt, as if he wished to alert the players who maybe hadn’t noticed. But indeed
they had noticed. What we then saw was a maniacal maelstrom, a frenzied fracas
and a gargantuan get-stuck-in until on came the red light – it was a goal. In
all the excitement I must confess I was unable to identify the scorer, however,
such was announced as René Jarolin, which gave his admirers, both overt and
covert, among the crowd a feeling of hitherto unexperienced satisfaction. Long
Ciaron picked up an assist of course and so did Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack, who I
concluded must have had a stab at the puck during the blue paint scramble. 1-0
Bison.
The 1st period ended with Bison 1-0 up in the game and 3-1 on
aggregate. There was still all to play for. The players reappeared for the 2nd
and it seemed that Bison would have no chance of increasing their lead as there
was no goal for them to shoot into (see below). The rink staff hadn’t brought
back the net as they were busy repairing the boarding, which necessitated the
drafting in of accomplished DIY-er, Duracell Man, although not Jon Baston with his Black and Decker
Workmate (see previous report).
Alas for the hapless telephonically named Phoenix netman, the goal
reappeared and it took only 25 seconds for him to fail in his duty to protect
it. But his D should take the blame for this one as a loose pass intended to
send the puck out of the Phoenix defensive zone was intercepted by Tomas “Grandmaster”
Karpov before it crossed the point where the blue line should be (see comments
above). He swiveled on the puck, turning through 180˚, and now faced the goal
with no-one to challenge him. He skated forward and unleashed an unstoppable
wrist shot past Fone. 2-0 Bison and “Oooo Betty” Phoenix.
Things were not looking good for the Phoenix. At an aggregate of 1-4
down to the EPL champions (home record 24 and 3) and a verses Bison record
of 0 and 7 this season, outplayed and outshot, outclassed and outmuscled, out of
sorts and out to lunch for the 2nd goal they needed to pull a rabbit
out of the hat or they would be down and out and out of the playoffs. A Phoenix rabbit duly appeared. On 34 minutes Stanislav Gron saw his shot saved by Hiadlovsky, who deflected
the puck wide to his right, but there was Michal Satek (I’m not going to bother
putting the accents on his surname as there are too many of them) to hammer home
the rebound. A further assist to James Neil. 1-2 and a chink of light at the
end of the tunnel.
A couple of minutes
later the Howling Man of Block C became mildly agitated. OK that’s a bit of an
understatement. In his last outburst of the season, against what I know not, he
scaled new heights of rage. We saw the usual changed of colour of his bald
patch from pink to dark cerise, we heard the incomprehensible shouting, we saw
the throbbing veins standing out on his temple, but this time his waved his
arms in the air to add emphasis to what I would guess was his disagreement to a refereeing decision (aren't they always?).
But he calmed down once his opinion had been broadcast and was soon transformed from a state of agony to one of ecstasy as Bison
bagged a 3rd goal. A pass from Alan “Prairie Dog” Lack set Shaun “the
Sheep” Thompson on his way with the follically challenged Matt Towlaski, the man who sounds like an import but isn't, in
support for a 2 on 1. Thompson drew the goaltender as the covering D-man
remained central. He then passed to a back door lurking Towlaski, who, instead of shooting, cut
back inside and, with Tommo now screening Fone, unleashed his shot. Fone got a
piece of it, but, alas for the hapless netman, not a big enough piece. The puck slid over the line and it was 3-1 on the
night and 5-2 on aggregate. Morose, miserable and melancholic are words which
could be used to accurately describe the mood in the away block, but they carried on drumming. There were
no more goals in the period and their team trooped back to the locker room.
Although still in with a chance, they would need a monumental effort in P3.
We saw a strange sight immediately prior to the commencement of P3. Referee
Miller was building a snowman on the ice. Didn’t he realise that there was an
important game to referee? Well he must have because the snowman was never
completed. It was removed on a shovel before he could bedeck it with a scarf
and put in a carrot for a nose and, playtime over, Mr. Miller called the teams together
for the face off.
With 20 minutes remaining could the Phoenix pull another rabbit out of
the hat? Indeed they could. On 48 minutes Gareth O’Flaherty (is he Irish or is
he Welsh?) ran in a puck which had rebounded off the post. James Archer with an
assist. It was now 3-2 Bison with 12 minutes to play and a glimmer of hope.
Phoenix needed to keep their heads, keep it tight, keep it up, keep a tight
ship and keep calm. To hand back the initiative to Bison now would have been as
undesirable as the
Bearded Rabble Rouser of Block A returning home to find his eccentric butler
feeding a feast of caviar, smoked salmon, foie gras and quail’s eggs to his
iguana. But that is exactly what happened, certainly the former and maybe even
the latter.
A lapse of
concentration condemned the Phoenix, not to be hanged, but to another 2 on 1
against. Put in by Jarolin, Grant Rounding raced forward with Cuddly Joe
Greener in support. Rounding’s dashing dash could certainly not be described
as indolent, nor even insolent, insular or insidious, but it did knock the Phoenix
D insensible and left them feeling insignificant, insulted and inconsolable and
their goaltender insane with indignation. Rounding decided he didn’t need
Greener as he shaped to shoot. Had the Fone been Pavaroti he would have had a good
chance of blocking the goal completely and stopping the shot. However, the
renowned corpulent tenor was not icing. Well how could he be? He is no longer
in the land of the living and, had he been, he would have been
elsewhere - probably singing or eating. But I have gone off on a red herring
(which Pavarotti would have eaten as well). The Springbok sniper fired an
unstoppable wrist shot past Fone and it was 4-2 Bison.
Bison sewed it up on 52 minutes with goal number 5 on the night to give
them a 7-3 lead, not unassailable but certainly as difficult to assail as the
north face of the Eiger. Long Ciaron Long took possession of the puck on the
left wing and skated in on goal in much the same way as he had done for the
first goal. He unleashed a shot which rebounded off Fone. What happened next
could be described as a battle royal in front of goal, except that no soldiers,
kings or queens were involved. Alan Lack did not lack the wherewithal to force
the puck over the line from the blue paint scramble and it was 5-2 Bison.
With 8 minutes
to play and only 4 goals needed could Phoenix come back from this? Imagine
you’re at a Metallica concert. On stage comes special guest Alan A’Dale, plugs
into a Marshall stack and delivers a shredding lute solo. Likely to happen? No.
And neither were Phoenix coming back from this dire position. The final buzzer
buzzed 8 minutes later and it was Bison who were off to Coventry. The crowd
were too busy with “The Great Escape”. No one thought of singing ♫“We’re all
going to Coventry, we’re all going to Coventry. La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la.”♫,
which might have sounded quite good with Alan A'Dale providing musical accompaniment. No not really. It’s a moronic song and doesn’t scan properly with
Coventry substituted for Wembley – one too many syllables. Never mind Bison
were indeed going to Coventry and the Phoenix season was sadly over.
A final word for
Bison’s opponents – the Manchester Phoenix. They have endured a very difficult
season of playing far from home, short benching for much of the time and
financially rocky. But they managed to make it to the end of the season,
fulfilling all their fixtures, and won the Fair Play award for the least number
of penalty minutes in the season, an award the Sheffield Steeldogs are never likely
to win. The Phoenix play fair competitive hockey and are a credit the EPL, as are
their fans, always friendly, welcoming and as fair minded as any biased sports
fan could be, unlike some I could mention! I just wish they’d stop banging
those bloody drums.
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